It was dark and cloudy outside, and the rain poured down as if it were further expressing everyone’s sadness. I closed my eyes and prayed that my mother would rest in peace. When I opened them again, my father was right in front of me, and that was when I saw it. In my entire life, I’d never seen my father cry even once. But now, his cheeks were wet with tears.

Our kingdom had been engaged in a long battle with the neighboring kingdom, Tweil, up until about a decade ago. Tweil was to the northwest of Tasmeria. It was a poor country with largely barren soil and few natural resources. And that was why they attacked us; they had set their sights on our rich, fertile lands. It was sudden with no forewarning and no declaration of war. And because it came out of nowhere, we were wholly unprepared. Several domains in Tasmeria were completely overrun.

In the county of Ceyzan, both the kingdom’s soldiers and the count’s personal guard were entirely obliterated, and the domain had been taken under enemy occupation. The bordering territory belonged to Count Monroe and was attacked on both the northern and western sides, putting it into a very unfavorable position.

My father’s regiment was given orders to take back Ceyzan’s domain, and so he headed for battle, commanding the first brigade of the kingdom’s army. One might question why my father, the eldest son and heir to the house of a marquis, was sent into a raging war. Often, sons of nobles were sent off to become knights to protect the capital and the royal family. However, those individuals were usually the second and third sons of a family. It was very rare for a house’s eldest son to enter the service. Ultimately, my father found aristocratic society to be too stuffy, so despite being the eldest son, he looked past joining the knights and instead became a part of the kingdom’s army.

The army’s main responsibilities were to patrol and protect our borders and maintain peace within the kingdom. The soldiers of the army and the knights were like oil and water; the knights looked down upon the soldiers as nothing but classless, brawny oafs, and the soldiers saw the knights as spoiled rich boys who had never seen real battle.

As such, it was surprising that my father, a noble and the heir to a house of marquis, had joined up with the soldiers, who were mostly commoners. I’d heard that he had it especially rough when he first joined up. There was a backlash against a noble joining the kingdom’s army, and his family had been vehemently opposed to the idea as well. There was even talk of disinheriting him as a result.

Nevertheless, my father had used his natural strength to establish a solid position for himself within the army. Status didn’t matter there, and the doors of opportunity were open to anyone. The army was a complete meritocracy, and once they saw how powerful my father was, the backlash against him quieted down quickly.

The real problem was with his family. They didn’t completely disown him, but they had disinherited him and made his younger brother heir instead. Since my father had no attachments to status, I heard that he accepted the decision easily. My paternal grandfather had made a practical decision. One never knew if a soldier of the kingdom’s army would die in battle, after all. Even though his family was a military house, leaving my father in place as the heir when he had joined the army and not the knights would ruin their reputation in the eyes of the other nobles.

…To anyone else who didn’t recognize my father’s strength, that is.

He shocked everyone and successfully recaptured Ceyzan’s domain from the enemy with only one brigade of soldiers. Reinforcements arrived shortly afterward, and he handed off protection of the domain to them. He then led his soldiers west, where they joined up with the brigade fighting alongside Count Monroe’s personal guard. Together, they accomplished a stunning defeat of the enemy. My father personally took the heads of countless enemy generals. In the end, he was hailed as a hero for his meritorious military deeds.

Despite his noble status, his achievements on the battlefield plus his natural leadership skills and charisma made him the object of admiration among the kingdom’s army and the knights alike. My father was then reinstated as rightful heir of his family, because why would House Anderson, who prided themselves in their military prowess, not exalt my father? And because the reputation that follows a war hero is very meaningful, not one person raised an objection to this.

To be frank, he had a much tougher time marrying my mother. She was the daughter of a baron. I don’t know precisely how they met, but apparently, they fell madly in love with each other and promised to marry. This wouldn’t have been a problem if he had remained disinherited, but an extraordinary war hero and the future marquis of House Anderson marrying the daughter of a mere baron was simply unheard of. In that regard, his war hero’s reputation worked against him.

Countless noble houses from all over the kingdom wanted to marry their daughters off to him. There were also many in House Anderson who objected to my parents’ union. But my father silenced all his critics with a dramatic declaration. “If I can’t marry Merelda, then I’ll quit the army!”

Now, of course, it was a lovely, heartwarming story that showed just how much Father had cared for Mother. Since they had been so deeply in love with each other, they still had a wonderful marriage even after my brother and I were born. So much so that sometimes my brother and I had to look away from their displays of affection!

My normally big, tough father was a total sweetheart around her. He acted so differently from how he was at work that his trusted confidant, Baron Messi, often had to avert his eyes when he came over to visit as well.

My mother truly was a wonderful woman. She was so gentle and kind. She certainly faced many difficulties marrying into a house of marquis, but she always had a sweet smile on her face. Still, it took nerves of steel to be married to my father. There were times that he would come home covered in someone else’s blood, and once she saw he had no injuries, she would smile and say, “Goodness, look at that mess! Let me get the bath ready for you!” That always surprised me and my brother, and we would joke that he should really get cleaned up before he came into the house.

My father always took the day of their wedding anniversary off, saying he wanted to spend time with my mother. If the soldiers begged him to come into work, he reluctantly would do so, but once he was finished with his duties, he’d race straight home. In what world would it be otherwise normal for a husband to come home to his wife on their anniversary covered in blood, one might ask? Well, it was normal in our house.

Our family consisted of Father, Mother, my older brother, and me. Even though we were a house of high-ranking nobles, things never felt stiff or formal at home. It was a very, very happy home.

At least, until that one fateful day.

I would never forget the day that my mother died.

“Brother, isn’t Mother home yet?”

“How many times are you going to ask me that, Merry? If she’s traveling according to schedule, she should be in the neighboring domain by now. Just wait patiently.”

My brother and I eagerly waited for Mother to come home that day. She had left Father in the capital and was on her way home to the march to celebrate my birthday. Father had an important ceremony to attend, so he was going to come on his own later, but I was thrilled that Mother would be coming home.

“Oh! I bet that’s Mother!”

I heard excitement through the mansion, so I rushed down to the foyer. But the source of commotion wasn’t my mother. It was a man covered in blood…holding a woman also covered in the same.

“What are y—Lady Merelda!” A scream pierced my ears.

Mother? Wait, was that limp woman covered in blood…Mother?

I couldn’t move. It felt like ice had covered my body and frozen it solid. All I could do was stand there, watching the chaotic scene as if I were observing it from a distance.

“Someone hurry! Call the doctor!”

Servants screamed and ran about. The man handed Mother to a servant and then collapsed on the spot.

“You’re seriously injured too! You need help!”

“Don’t worry about me; take care of Lady Merelda!”

“Of course, we’ll take care of the mistress, but if we don’t help you, you’ll—”

“I’m alrea—” The man’s face twisted with pain, and suddenly, blood came pouring out of his mouth, slowly turning the carpet crimson beneath him. “We were attacked by bandits… They killed all the other guards but me. I managed to bring Lady Merelda back here. How is she?!”

“Don’t worry, we’ll take care of her.”

“Thank goodness…” the man whispered with relief and then closed his eyes for the final time.

“The doctor is here!”

“Doctor, hurry!”

“What about this man?”

“It’s too late for him. Please, help me tend to the mistress.” The servant had tears streaming down her face but was trying her best to keep her composure. For a second, a hush fell over the room, and the doctor rushed over to Mother’s side. Finally, I came back to my senses and followed the doctor on unsteady feet. He leaned over my mother to tend to her wounds but then sat back on his heels.

“I’m very sorry, but…” He spoke reluctantly, bringing looks of horrified despair to everyone’s faces.

No, don’t look like that! Don’t say those things! Hurry up and heal my mother!

But the screams inside of my heart were in vain because the doctor stood up.

“No! Mother! Mother!!!”

She’s dead? No! It’s a lie! Lies, lies, lies!

I don’t remember much about what happened after that. The only things etched into my memories from that time were my violent emotions. Why did my mother have to die? Since I was born into a military house, I had learned about the harsh realities of death from a very young age. And that even though Father was very strong, he was still human. My parents told us that every time he went to work, there was a possibility that he would never return. It wasn’t because they were being pessimistic, but they wanted us to be prepared for reality. They were also proud that he risked his life every day for the sake of the kingdom. Protecting the citizens was an honorable thing and part of a noble’s sacred duty.

So then why was it Mother? Why did she have to die? My father was carrying out his duty as a noble. Mother was a citizen of the kingdom, so why hadn’t she been protected too? Why had her life been stolen from her?

I didn’t care if they were bandits. The perpetrators were also citizens of this kingdom. What had my father even been fighting for? Why had he worked so hard to protect this kingdom? Why did the nobles have to risk their lives to protect the citizens anyway?!

This world was senseless. I understood that. No, I was forced to understand that.

Not only was I a tomboy, but thanks to my brother’s influence, I hadn’t learned any etiquette or manners befitting a noblewoman at all. Instead, I often rolled around in the gardens of the Anderson manor covered in mud and climbed trees in my fancy dresses. My mother would give me a nonplussed yet soft smile as I tumbled through the door, day after day. But after all, she was the same woman who wasn’t fazed when my father came home soaked in blood.

I should have spent more time with her. Maybe if I had taken up embroidery or some other thing more suitable for a young girl, I could have. But after Mother’s death, instead of picking up those hobbies to honor her in some way, I went in the exact opposite direction. After her funeral, I cried until I just couldn’t cry anymore. I cried and cried until a hole opened up in my heart, and those violent emotions I felt for a split second during her funeral came back with a vengeance. To be specific, they were anger and hatred. I wanted revenge, and I lamented my own powerlessness. I cursed the senselessness of the world and felt ashamed by my inability to do anything.

And so that was why I went to Father and begged him to train me in combat. He never asked me why. Instead, he told me, “Since you’re asking for this, don’t expect me to go easy on you.” From that next day forward, I threw myself headfirst into my training.

 

***

 

Before my formal training began, my father made me undergo various conditioning exercises to build up my strength. “You’re a lot more agile than I expected,” he declared at the end of the routine. I apparently had much more stamina than other children my age, perhaps from a childhood filled with running around the grounds of the manor. The obstacles in the exercises weren’t a big deal to me either, possibly from years of playing in the forest. Maybe it was because I’d spent so much time chasing after wild animals that my visual acuity and reflexes were so sharp as well.

“You’re still not ready for my training.” After that, the regimen he prescribed was a sort of hell I never wanted to go through again. I would wake up before the sun rose each morning and had to run three laps around the manor. One might not think that to be much, but the Anderson manor was a very large mansion, so running three laps around it was incredibly tough.

“Ugh…” Some days, after I was done with my laps, I felt so sick that I thought I would throw up. I was then given a drink containing a mixture of salt and sugar to replenish my energy, and after I rested for a bit, it was time to resume my exercises. Next, I had to traverse the forest on the manor grounds. There were all kinds of obstacles inside the forest, so it wasn’t as easy as it may sound. For example, there was a stream running through the center of a chasm that I had to cross. There was no bridge, and the stream was at least ten feet across. I had to climb down the steep sides of the cliff, cross the stream, and then climb back up the other side to continue. The forest on our property had remained untouched like this under direct orders from my father to facilitate training exercises.

“Ah!” Unfortunately, my hand struck a rocky crag as I shimmied up the cliffs one time, bursting open a blister. I looked down to see my palm covered in blood. I dropped back down to the river to wash it from my hands. The water was clear and shimmered in the sunlight, but rivulets of crimson spread through it as I washed away my blood. I tore off a scrap of dry cloth from my clothing and wrapped it around my hand. I then climbed back up the side of the cliff and continued my training.

I developed blisters from sword practice every day. Each afternoon, I practiced swinging a blade, recreating the movements Father had taught me. The sword didn’t feel that heavy when I just held it in my hand, but after several hundreds or thousands of practice strokes through the air, my arm would feel numb from practice.

I steeled myself against the pain as I reached the top of the cliff and made it through the forest again and again. Then it would be time to run once more. Only at that point could I finally take a break for lunch. Even if I didn’t feel hungry, I had to eat or else I wouldn’t have the energy to keep up with my exercises. Every day I cleared my plate, no matter what. I had a short time to rest after that, and then I would practice with my sword until the sun went down, which was around the same time as when my father came home. Then I would eat again and afterward collapse into my bed. That was my daily routine.

“Don’t expect me to go easy on you.” My father was true to his word. He never allowed even one complaint. He looked on with no reaction as I threw up from overexertion. I knew that if I ever cried or fussed, he would stop training me immediately. Because of that, I never allowed myself to do either. I threw myself into my training as if I were possessed. I was a little girl, not even ten years old, who trained instead of playing from morning till night. I was consumed with thoughts of becoming stronger and getting vengeance. I ate, slept, and breathed my training.

 

***

 

“All right. Now I’m going to teach you the proper forms.” I’m not sure how long I had devoted myself to building up my strength and stamina before Father told me that one day and switched gears. He always watched me swinging my sword silently without critique or instruction, so I wondered what prompted him to say that all of a sudden. But before I could ask him, he began to demonstrate proper techniques. I figured I was to watch and then copy him.

I had so many questions, but I had to leave them behind as I switched gears to focus on the movements he demonstrated in front of me. I tried to burn every gesture, every movement into my mind so intently that I even forgot to blink.

“Practice that,” was all Father said before he walked away. Left alone, I remembered what he had done and emulated it over and over again. But I just couldn’t move how I wanted to. My body didn’t know how to act in the same way that Father had. My limbs felt awkward and green. I was angry at how my body moved, and I was frustrated that I couldn’t do it. It was even worse because I could imagine myself going through those same motions, but I just couldn’t do it. It probably goes without saying that after that day, I added practicing my form to my daily exercise regimen.

“Ahh!” I looked down to see spots of dark red on my dominant hand as another blister burst. I tore off a scrap of fabric from a towel and wrapped it around my hand. It doesn’t hurt. It’s not painful. I told myself that even though it did hurt, and it was painful. In fact, the pain fueled the violent anger and hatred inside of me even more. That was why I wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop. I continued my sword practice that day and continued training like that every day after.

Once I had committed the movements my father had taught me to my muscle memory, I was allowed to begin mock duels with my brother. Well, I say “duels,” but in reality, they were little more than light sparring matches. However, they were necessary to further ingrain those proper forms into my body. Practicing by myself was vastly different from sparring with someone else. As I did it, I truly understood that this was necessary for both of us to become stronger. And of course, I kept up my usual exercises while I trained with my brother.

“Hah, hah…” I panted, wiping the sweat from my brow and looking down at my palms. At some point, my skin had grown so tough and calloused that I rarely got blisters anymore. They no longer looked like a little girl’s hands. But seeing that made me happy, because it was a physical representation of my training. A dark, satisfied smile spread across my face. I looked back up and saw my brother sitting on the ground in front of me, completely exhausted. I myself was bent over with one hand on my knee, struggling to catch my breath.

“Next, you’ll spar with me, Merry.” My father suddenly appeared and announced this to us. I stared at him in stunned silence, but when I realized what he said, I smiled.

Finally. I’ve finally gotten to the point where Father has recognized my abilities and will spar with me! I felt a feeling of accomplishment and happiness I’d never felt before. But at the same time, I felt a little nervous and frightened. “Gladly, Father!”

And so my very first one-on-one sparring match with Father began. Maybe he was holding back with me; I’m not sure. But from my perspective, his movements felt absolutely merciless.

“What? That’s all you’ve got?” He looked down at me as I lay collapsed on the ground. I thought I had gotten so much stronger, but I was powerless in front of him. It was frustrating. I crawled across the dirt and looked up at my father. There was an obvious gap between us—of experience, strength, and speed—and I came up short in absolutely every way. That meant I had to come up with something to make up for it.

My father had also lost something precious because of this senseless world. How much stronger must I become? I didn’t know. But at the very least, I knew by the way my father was looking down at me that I had a long way to go before I got there. I pushed off the ground with trembling hands and stood up again.

“Not yet, Father.”

And we began to spar once more.

 

***

 

Today ended in yet another pitiful defeat. I wonder how many times I’ve lost to him by now. I let that thought run through my head, but I was mostly focused on the day’s training. I felt like I was so close to grasping something—the magical “something” that I needed to bridge the gap between me and Father. If I could only grab hold of it, perhaps I could actually have a chance in our sparring matches.

I felt like if I just returned to my room now, the sensation I’d felt when I thought I was so close to grasping that thing would feel even further away. I let out a deep sigh. I didn’t know what else to do and couldn’t think of any alternatives, so I reluctantly returned to my room to take a bath. It was an essential part of my daily routine since my training always left me covered in sweat and dirt.

“Ahhh…!” The hot water stung my scrapes and cuts, and I nearly fainted in agony. There wasn’t an inch of my body that didn’t have some kind of scratch on it, so every time I washed, I would cry out in pain. This had come to be just another part of my daily routine as well.

I wouldn’t let the servants wash me, as it was better to prepare myself for the pain when I did it myself, rather than have someone else do it. Even if it did mean agony either way. After I finished bathing, I would change into my nightclothes and get into bed. The best part about training was that it was so exhausting that I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. If not for that, my mind would be too busy, and I wouldn’t be able to sleep. All sorts of thoughts would come to mind, like my mother’s death, the grief and sadness that came along with it, my hatred toward her attackers, and I’d blame myself for all of it. That’s what I had done before I began my training; I spent so many sleepless nights plagued by those thoughts. But now, I fell right to sleep and sank into the world of dreams, praying that maybe this time they’d be good ones.

 

***

 

It was the dawn of a new day. I got up, changed my clothes, and started my laps around the manor. I hadn’t been throwing up after I was done running these days, and that meant I could go even farther. As I ran, my thoughts turned to what I’d been thinking about the day before. What was that thing that I’m lacking? While I was sparring with Father, I felt like I was right on the verge of grasping the answer. I got too frantic, and now I didn’t even know why I’d thought about it in the first place. I tried and tried, but I just couldn’t figure it out.

After I was done with my laps, I wiped off my sweat from my overheated body so I didn’t cool off too much. I would have to spar with my father again this afternoon. I still didn’t know what that “something” was, but as long as I didn’t know, nothing would change, and I wouldn’t make progress. And that meant that Father would beat me once again. If I didn’t grow, then I would never be able to overcome my biggest obstacle: him.

Still, I felt like I was so close. My instincts were whispering that to me. I knew there was no point in continuing to agonize over it if I didn’t know the answer, so the only thing I could do was to sharpen my senses by training more and more.

It was time for the day’s mock duel with my father. As usual, he wielded his sword quickly and with a heavy hand. I couldn’t let my guard down for one second or he’d take advantage of the opening. Still, I somehow managed to keep up with him.

“Weak!” My father’s sword closed in on me once again, but I instantly thrust my sword in front of me. If I can’t dodge him, then I have to do something else! I unconsciously changed the angle of my sword ever so slightly, sweeping away the pressure from his sword. That sensation made me freeze for a split second. This is it!

But before I could resume my thoughts, his wooden sword whacked my completely vulnerable body.

“Why did you stop? Opening yourself up to your opponent like that is absolutely inexcusable!”

I grimaced at the dull pain that lingered and stood back up. “I’m sorry. Again, please!”

I was still missing something. I wondered if I just wasn’t capable of grasping it yet. My father’s swordsmanship was strong and mighty. I had a little girl’s body, weaker than his, and no matter how much I trained I would never be as strong as him. With that being the case, maybe I had to learn how to offset my opponent’s strength to use it against them. That must be the way.

Father was coming toward me again. I swung my sword against his attack. “Argh!” I fended off his advance and got in close. I brought up my sword and placed it right against his neck.

“Hah, hah…” I panted. I couldn’t believe I had just done that. I won. I won, even if my father was going easy on me.

“I was weak…” He said with a hearty laugh as he stood up. That was the first time he’d ever smiled at me during our training. That surprised me even more. “Let’s do another. Next time, I’ll use a bit more force.”

“All right!”

True to his word, my father moved faster and stronger than before. Right off the bat, I found it hard to respond to his movements, and he knocked the sword out of my hand. “Again, please!”

I threw myself into sparring with him once again.

 

***

 

Despite losing several times, I fervently devoted myself to our matches. Eventually, I was able to consistently win about one bout of every five.

One day, Father said, “All right. Starting tomorrow, you’re going to be training with the guard.”

“Huh?” His order was so out of the blue that I blurted out a baffled noise. “The guard” he was talking about was the House Anderson guard, our family’s private security force. They were warriors who were loyal to our house. Generations of boys born into the Anderson family were trained from a young age in the art of combat so as not to bring dishonor to the family name. The guard endured rigorous training to ensure they were strong enough to protect such a family. That was what made them the strongest private security force in Tasmeria.

It was incredibly tough to get into the guard, and even after making it in, members had to endure tough training day in and day out. That was why they took great pride in their military prowess and their jobs as members of the House Anderson guard.

We had a large area on the grounds solely for sparring matches between males of House Anderson and members of the guard. My father had also insisted that the courtyard of our manor in the capital be razed and had a sparring area installed so that his skills wouldn’t be dulled during his time there. It wasn’t just the guard who would train there at the capital with him, but also soldiers from the kingdom’s army and knights who admired my father as well. I had a feeling that I wasn’t the only one who felt like our house in the capital felt less like a noble family’s mansion and more like a military institution.

And I was going to be permitted to train with them?! I let out a gleeful laugh despite myself. I was overcome with excitement. Up until now, I’d only trained with my father and brother, and that was fine, of course, but I really wanted to try sparring with other people. Most of all, I wanted to test my own abilities. I was sure that I would become even stronger if I got to experience fighting with all types of people. Just the thought of it was thrilling for me. Seeing my reaction put an odd smile on my father’s face.

The next day, I headed to the sparring grounds in high spirits. When I arrived, I saw that I clearly stood out among the men there, who were twice my size.

“Hey, what’s a kid doing here?”

“N-no idea. Go see what she wants.”

“Huh? No way! I always end up making kids cry.”

Well, I suppose it might be rude to say so, but if I were a normal child, I’d probably think he did look kind of scary.

“Hey, little girl. What are you doing? It’s dangerous here, so you should run along.”

“Hello. My name is Mer. I’m going to be training here starting today. Please give me your guidance and discipline.” I made sure to introduce myself politely and properly because I knew first impressions were very important. Also, at my father’s suggestion, I used a different nickname from my usual one. It would be unheard of for the daughter of a marquis to be training here. After my remarks, the men looked even more bewildered.

“Atten-tion!” one of the guards suddenly barked. His voice was so sharp that it rattled my eardrums, and for a second, I was frozen to the spot. The other guards must have been used to it, though, because they immediately assembled into straight lines and stood at attention with perfect posture.

“The master is here!”

Once everyone was lined up, my father appeared. I glanced over at the men’s expressions, and their eyes were sparkling like little boys’ as they gazed at my father.

“Hello, everyone. Glad to see you’re all looking great today,” he said with his usual hearty laugh. But the next moment, the smile vanished from his face and was replaced with a stern expression. “Now I see that she’s already introduced herself, but Mer here will be training with all of you starting today. There’s no need to go easy on her, because I already personally oversaw her basic training. I want you all to work with her in hopes of passing along your strength.”

His deep voice made me tremble for a moment. Was it out of fear? No, that wasn’t it. I was trembling from excitement. I could tell just how serious my father was, and I was ridiculously excited to further my training.

“I’m looking forward to learning from you!” I pushed my voice out from deep in my belly and saw my father chuckle.

“All right. Let’s begin!”

As the training started, I was surprised to see that the routine was much easier than what I’d been used to with him. That was probably because lately my father had let me suggest additions to my usual regimen.

Once the conditioning exercises were over, it was time for sword practice. My blade sliced through the air. Each time I swung my sword, I cut through all of the unnecessary thoughts in my mind. The stillness I felt in my heart was very pleasant and comforting. It felt like at my core, everything inside of me was connected. I focused on that feeling, and sword practice was over before I knew it.

Finally, it was time for one-on-one sparring matches. Two names were called, and those two people faced off against each other in a match. I hungrily watched every detail and took in every movement. I picked up on new things I’d never seen before and learned from them. There were things I could imitate, but there were also moves that would be difficult for me to perform because of my size. But I watched on, thinking about how I would respond if my opponent were to move this way or that.

“Next is Mer and Lada!” My name was finally called as part of the last pair. The man I was up against was the one who had noticed me first and been confounded by my presence. He now looked even more perplexed at being told to spar with me.

“Begin!” The instructor called out.

But Lada did not move. It looked like he had no idea how to approach an opponent like me. It seemed that he wasn’t going to make the first move no matter how long I waited, so I decided that I would. I lunged forward and swung my sword.

“Whoa!” Lada’s eyes widened with surprise as he moved to block my sword with his. Unfortunately for him, the force of the collision knocked him off balance. I used that to my advantage and forced him to roll onto the ground. I then thrust my sword right in front of his face.

“Th-the winner is Mer!”

The crowd buzzed. It was a stunning conclusion to the day, and the men were shocked that I had won. However, I wasn’t pleased. I didn’t even feel like it’d been a fair fight; he had let down his guard.

“Lada… Didn’t you hear me? The girl has already completed basic training under me. This is a bad habit of yours, you know that? Every time you’re paired up with a weaker opponent than you, you let down your guard. On the battlefield—no, actually, anywhere—there are no weak opponents or strong opponents. There are only enemies whom you must defeat at all costs. Whoever is victorious is the strong one. You need to fix this bad habit of yours.”

“Yes, sir. I apologize.” Lada’s head dropped after my father’s harsh criticism.

“Mer, you’ll go again, won’t you?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Very well. Next! Guntz, step forward.” At my father’s orders, another man came forward to replace Lada.

“A-all right, next up is Guntz versus Mer. Begin!” The instructor called for our match to start.

I could tell just by looking at my opponent that he did not have his guard down against me. Very good. I smirked as I took on his sharp skills with the sword. However, his movements were slower than my father’s, and I could tell that the strength behind his sword was weaker than my father’s as well. Perhaps it wasn’t fair to compare my opponent to someone like my father to begin with, but it was enjoyable sparring with an opponent who did not move like him. After we sparred for a bit, I lunged forward and knocked his sword out of his hand. Now disarmed, Guntz was completely vulnerable to me, and I pressed my blade against his neck.

The area went silent. No one said a word or even moved a muscle.

“The winner is…Mer.” The instructor said with hesitation.

“Now you’ve witnessed Mer’s skill for yourselves. Does anyone object to training with her?” My father opened the floor for comments, but no one spoke up. I laughed, realizing he was testing them. “Good. That’s enough for today. Use the rest of your time as you like.” And with that, the day’s exercises were over.

But what should I do now? Honestly, today had been hard for me to swallow, although I had learned a lot. I felt so excited to have fought against someone other than my father or brother. I set down my sword and started to run laps around the sparring grounds.

 

***

 

“Master, where did you find that girl?” asked Gallia, the commander of the House Anderson guard.

General Gazell Daz Anderson gave him a half smile. “Why? Are you curious?”

“Yes, she’s quite skilled.”

“It’s just not possible! How can she beat members of the guard at such a young age?” Shrey, the deputy commander, spoke up from beside Gallia. He was very young to have attained the rank of deputy commander, which was a testament to his own abilities. The fact that these two were praising Merellis after only one day meant that the soldiers had recognized her merits.

“If that was all, the soldiers would probably have an issue with it. But after the matches, they were all watching her practice by herself with interest. Not only that, but they all looked stunned. I asked a few of the men about it later, and they said it reminded them of boot camp.”

Boot camp…also known as initiation through hell. Most of those chosen for the Anderson House guard were already known for their abilities, so General Gazell personally devised training plans that would knock them down a peg or two. The results were immediate. Just witnessing the general’s power was enough to humble them, and they understood that the reason that he got to be so strong was because he trained in the same manner that he was training them. Naturally, his instruction was incredibly tough. The mere fact that a child such as Merellis could take on men who had undergone the training that they had shocked them all.

“Just so you know, not even I was willing to train her that hard at first. She started with half of what she does now.”

“Even half is a lot,” the usually very serious Gallia quipped.

Shrey let out a peal of dry laughter. “She’s such a cute little girl. Shouldn’t she want to be out playing? I wonder why she’s so invested in training.”

Gazell looked off into the distance, reflecting on the past. They were right; she truly was a beautiful little girl. She had platinum blonde hair and eyes so clear and blue that they looked like aquamarines. She would grow up to be an even more beautiful woman. Her features were so striking, it was already hard to keep your eyes off her. He was genuinely looking forward to seeing what kind of woman she would become.

And yet here she was, covered in scratches and bruises, training in combat with full-grown men. Under normal circumstances, it would be completely unheard of for any noble, let alone a young girl, to be doing this. The greatest reason why Gazell had allowed her to undertake such training was because he recognized a God-given talent in her. But after his wife’s death, he also wanted to make sure his daughter had the skills necessary to defend herself. Still, there was no reason for her to train so relentlessly. She could have had a much more relaxed training regimen and been done with it. The reason he didn’t dissuade her was because he wanted to let her natural talent grow to its limits.

This all started because of what happened during his wife’s funeral. He lost his love in an unimaginable way and was overcome with grief. He cursed his own powerlessness; people called him a hero, and yet he couldn’t protect someone who was so precious to him. To make matters crueler, the person who had murdered his wife hadn’t even been someone from the enemy country who was burning with revenge. The deed had been done by one of his very own countrymen.

When he had seen how stricken with grief his children were at the funeral, his sadness only grew. But for a moment during the ceremony, he had felt goosebumps rising on his flesh. His chills were because his instincts had alerted him that there was someone of great strength nearby, and it was coming from someone among the funeral party. As he swept the room searching for the source of danger, he realized that his gaze had landed on his own daughter.

For a moment, he had doubted his own senses. After all, his young daughter wasn’t even ten, and he had sensed such intensity from her that it gave him chills. And not only that, but he’d felt danger—he, a general who had faced off against countless formidable foes. When he had looked at his daughter, she had stopped crying and instead was biting her lip so hard it drew blood. Her eyes were filled with the flames of hatred. He had instantly known what she was thinking just from one glance at the girl’s face. And the emotions that had been radiating from her were enough to set off his own warning bells.

“Merry, just think about your mother right now, all right?” he had said to her. For a moment, Merellis had stared at him blankly but then quickly turned her focus back on her mother’s form, shedding more tears. The funeral had been a devastatingly sad affair indeed, but it was over before he knew it. The days he’d spent since then had been very turbulent. He threw himself right into his work to escape from his grief.

His wife was such a large presence in his life, and the wounds would never heal. But as the days went by, he gradually came to terms with his emotions. He vowed to annihilate the bandits who had done this, and his mindset returned to a healthy state. But just around the time he made that shift, Merellis came to him and asked him to train her.

For a moment, he was bewildered. He should have agreed right away; he was thinking about teaching her self-defense techniques himself anyway. But the look in her eyes told him that self-defense wasn’t what she was after. That caused him to hesitate. It was more than enough that he’d embarked upon a blood-soaked path to vengeance himself, without bringing her into it. But at the same time, he wanted to cultivate the undeniable talent he saw in front of him. He agreed to train her before he even realized what he was doing.

He expected her to complain right away. He wanted her to. But the young girl never uttered a single complaint the entire time he trained her. She was clearheaded and determined to travel down the path laid before her. He laughed internally and had to call himself a hypocrite. He knew the best decision would be to stop her and put an end to her training. He couldn’t count how many times he’d thought, “Please, complain. Just give me an excuse to stop this!”

On the other hand, when he saw how dedicated she was, he felt pride in his daughter. She surpassed his expectations at every turn in the road. He was even looking forward to seeing how strong she would become. And so, at some point, he found himself giving up on stopping the training. Instead, he gave her a sword and taught her correct form. At first her swordsmanship was awkward, but gradually, it became more polished and refined. So quickly, in fact, that it amused him greatly. In no time at all, her skills rivaled that of her brother who was three years older than her, and he made them spar. Before long, his son was no match for her, so he began to face off against her himself. They had a great difference in height, strength, and speed, but she gave her all in every match. She gradually came up with ways to compensate for the difference in their skills and maneuverability. At some point, he felt chills when he faced her, as that same incredible talent he had first sensed at the funeral returned.

He smiled then, knowing that his judgment hadn’t been wrong. She was a prodigy. That wasn’t to say she could master things immediately, because she couldn’t. However, she understood things without being taught, and then deepened her knowledge of techniques when she was finally taught them properly. That was her talent.

“Master?” Gallia asked with concern when Gazell was silent for so long. His voice brought the general back to reality.

“Ah, I’m sorry. I was just thinking. Why does she want to get stronger, you ask? Well, it’s the same reason that I do.”

“And what’s that?”

“I cursed my own powerlessness when something precious was taken from me. And from that powerlessness came a resolve from within.”

“A wish for revenge? Is that why you took her on as a student?”

“I told you, she’s got the same reason I do.” An utterly sad and weak expression came over Gazell’s face then, the likes of which the two men had never seen before. “But most of all, I was giddy to discover a talent so young,” he said with a laugh, lightening the heavy mood in the air. The two of them nodded in agreement. “Take care of her for me and lead her if you can. I haven’t the right to do it myself, although I do care about her guidance.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Of course.”

The two of them said in agreement. “Pardon us for keeping you, Master. We’ll be going now.” The pair then excused themselves and left the room.

After they were gone, Gazell left to go to the sparring grounds. On the way there, he saw his son Pax and stopped. He realized Pax was watching Merellis as she trained, smiling with a tender look on his face. He, too, had been subjected to Gazell’s rigorous training and excelled amongst his peers, but he wasn’t anywhere near as strong as Merellis. He was keenly aware of that.

It puzzled Gazell to see that his son had so readily accepted reality and was now watching over her with such kindness. “Doesn’t it frustrate you?” he asked his son after a bit of a pause.

Pax looked up at Gazell with a confused look on his face. “Not at all. I’m a member of House Anderson, and your son. But most of all, I recognize my own limits.” He had a contented smile on his face.

“Your limits? Don’t you think it’s better to try to break them?”

“Father, I admit that it’s foolish to limit oneself and give up. But at the same time, isn’t it necessary to be honest about my own strength? She and I are coming from two very different positions. This may sound audacious, but it’s not that I don’t think I could beat the adults you would have me spar against. I just don’t have the same vision she has; I can’t compete with her in that regard. When one witnesses a true genius, I think it’s foolish to be jealous of them.”

Gazell nodded with admiration for his son as the boy spoke calmly in a matter-of-fact manner. He was speaking the truth, after all. It was crucial to know your own strength and to know when it was wisest to withdraw. His son reacted calmly and maturely even when the man tried to light a fire under him. The boy had his own unique talents.

As Pax said, the young man wasn’t weak. He wouldn’t stand a chance against one of Gazell’s right-hand men, of course, but he might be able to beat one of the newbies who’d trained under the general. Gazell honestly thought his son was capable of being an excellent military commander when he grew up, but at the same time, he entertained the possibility that Pax’s talents lay elsewhere. He didn’t have that same interest or hunger for battle like his daughter did. However, he had the aptitude to become a gifted tactician on the battlefield with the uncanny ability to analyze a situation while remaining completely calm.

“Say, Pax… What do you think about studying tactics?” He brought up the subject casually.

“Really?!” Pax’s entire face lit up in response. Gazell chuckled inwardly, thinking how that was the first age-appropriate response his son had given all day. “Actually, I was meaning to talk to you about that soon, Father! I’ve been interested in it ever since I began listening to you discussing them with your soldiers.”

“I-I see. Well, in that case I’ll talk to them about it and let you know when we decide anything.”

“Thank you, Father!”

“Of course.”

Pax bowed his head, which Gazell patted affectionately before resuming his journey to the sparring grounds.

“Master Gazell!” Desmond, House Anderson’s butler, was waiting for him at the entrance.

“How did you know I’d be here?”

“You’re often here at this time of day, sir. I thought I might find you more quickly if I waited for you here than searching the rest of the grounds. Anyway, Master Gazell, someone from the Royal Army is here to see you.”

“Very well. Let’s go, then.” He had his heart set on training some, but that would have to wait. This was a good opportunity for him to discuss Pax anyway, so he turned and headed for his study. “Oh, it’s you two. Did something happen?” He was surprised to see his right-hand man, the lieutenant general Kreuz, and Verlys, his military advisor.

“We heard you had your eye on a promising student, so we came to recruit him for the army before anyone else got to him!”

“Well, that’s not possible. The student in question only just turned ten years old!”

“That’s precisely why we’re here. Putting all jokes aside, the first regiment has returned home from duty. I handed the reins over to the first captain and decided to drop by to update you on my way home. Verlys accompanied me.”

“I see… What did the first captain have to say?”

“Tweil doesn’t seem to be making any moves. Baron Messi has been conferred a peerage, and the former Count Ceyzan’s domain has been set up under his governance and is now functioning as such. It’s also been suggested that we adjust the number of patrols at the border to their former numbers. The particulars are all recorded in documents we sent to the capital, so you’re free to read them at your leisure. Also, a letter from Baron Messi arrived and I brought it for you to read.”

“Hm… I can’t comment until I read the reports. But what do you think, Verlys?”

“There are other kingdoms bordering us besides Tweil. I think it would be unwise to concentrate all our men in one spot and neglect the others.”

“I see. I understand your logic. I’ll hurry up and return to the capital and read the reports, and then I’ll make a decision.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Oh, that’s right. I’m thinking of bringing my son Pax along to the capital with me. Verlys, when you visit my residence there, could you start teaching him some military terms? Specifically involving tactics.”

“I think that depends on him…”

“Is there some sort of problem?”

“Forgive me for being forward, General, but there’s not a problem with Pax himself. I’m only wondering why you’re asking this of me at such a late stage?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Pax is already incredibly knowledgeable when it comes to military tactics.” Gazell gave Verlys a baffled look.

“Didn’t you know, General? Every time we come to visit, Pax and Verlys look over records from past battles and discuss them,” Kreuz added.

Gazell looked quite surprised.

“I always assumed he was asking me these questions under your direction, but apparently, that wasn’t the case…”

“I’m ashamed to admit this is the first I’ve heard of it. I see… So that’s what he’s been doing…”

“Pax’s arguments are quite interesting. I’m sure he’d love it if you joined us next time.”

“I never expected to hear that from you. But yes, that’s fine. You keep taking care of him, you hear?”

“Yes, sir.”

“By the way, General… Just how much stronger do you intend to make the Anderson guard?” Kreuz said with a chuckle. Once again, Gazell seemed baffled. “First, you’ve got Pax, who Verlys claims has interesting discussions on military tactics. That man’s the strictest person I know, so that means the boy must be a very gifted tactician indeed. You also have this mysterious child you’re training. If you take yourself into account and then put those two in the mix, the House Anderson guard might become the strongest in the kingdom!”

“Hmm, you’ve got a point.” Gazell took a moment to envision Kreuz’s suggestion and felt his blood sing. He could put his daughter on the front lines, and his son would be in the rear to guide the troops with his strategies. He could then oversee the whole thing as the general. “Sounds quite interesting, indeed.”

Kreuz and Verlys laughed wryly at the general’s response.

“I’ll leave for the capital in three days. We’ll discuss what to do after that.”

“Yes, sir,” the two men answered in unison.

Once they left, Gazell again made his way to the sparring grounds. As he walked, his conversation with Kreuz and Verlys ran through his mind. After he took care of the bandits who killed his wife, he had been thinking about letting the next generation take over. However, the possibility Kreuz brought up was so alluring, he almost felt it would be a waste to do so. His children were greatly talented, and their youth was blindingly bright. Merellis and Pax were so full of energy that it made him want to work harder.

“Guess I’ll get to training myself,” he murmured as he arrived at the sparring grounds. He let out a peal of laughter so savage that members of the guard tightened with fear nearby.

 

***

 

“Merry, there’s something I want to talk to you about. Come to my study,” my father said to me once I had finished my exercises and training. I wondered what it could possibly be.

I headed toward his study as he asked; it had been a long time since I’d walked through the mansion on a sunny day like today. On nice days, I trained outside, and when it rained, I completed my exercises in the indoor training rooms we had on the property. I had formal training two to three days a week. Since my father was so busy, I trained by myself on the other days. I focused on increasing my stamina, practicing my form, or other exercises that I needed to improve on from morning till night. I used to do those things with my brother, but lately he only did his basic exercises and then shut himself away in his room to study. He had a lot to learn as the heir, but it also seemed like he was studying military tactics. One day I told him not to work too hard or he’d collapse. In return, he laughed and said he could say the same thing to me, pointing out all of my scratches and cuts.

We had all been like this since Mother died. It was as if a piece of each of our hearts had been frozen and we were throwing ourselves into things to try to fill up the void left behind. For me, I dove headfirst into my training. I wondered how long it had been since I had laughed, really laughed, from deep in my belly. Despite all the time that had passed since Mother died, none of our wounds had healed, and now they were festering.

I walked into my father’s study and saw him there, a stern expression on his face. “I’m sorry I took so long, Father.”

“It’s fine. Sorry to bother you during your training.”

“It’s all right. Was there something you needed to talk to me about?”

“Yes. I wanted to give you this.” He handed me a sword. It was rather slender, but its tip carried a different weight than the blunt point of my training sword. The seal of House Anderson was engraved in the hilt.

“What’s this?”

“I had it forged especially for you. Will you become a warrior worthy of this sword?”

I felt his gaze pierce right through me, sending a cold shiver down my spine. This was different from the swords I had used during any of my exercises. This one was a weapon specifically designed to hurt people. He was asking me if I was ready to wield such a thing. But why? No matter how favorably one tried to spin the things I had learned until this point, the truth was ultimately that all of those skills were used to hurt others.

“I’m sure you know this, Father, but the reason I picked up a sword in the first place was for my own revenge. Because of that, I cannot swear upon this seal, or upon our family name.” I had no noble, lofty goals like using a sword to protect people. I learned how to wield it for my own sake. “But I vow on my name to take pride in the training given to me by my father and those who came before, and in the swordsmanship they have bestowed upon me. I vow to wield my sword with responsibility and to never besmirch that pride.”

His response to my movements were delayed, and his sword easily flew out of his hands. I took that opportunity to aim my sword at his neck.

“There. You’ve shown me your determination now.” Hearing that, I withdrew.

“Thank you, General Gazell. You made me remember something very important.” I thanked him with a smile, then went back to the house to wash off my sweat.

 

***

 

“Oh, you’re here early.”

“Good morning, Kreuz,” I greeted the man. He was a caring person who always seemed concerned about me. He was my father’s right-hand man, and he was strong in his own right. Although he had a stern face and a big, muscular body, he was actually very kind.

“Mm, you’re looking better today. Yesterday you looked pretty rough, but you seem much improved now.”

I paused before answering him. “I’m sorry I worried you.”

“Don’t let it bother you. I just took it upon myself to worry about you, that’s all.” He patted my head. It was a natural gesture, and his hand was very warm.

Before long, it was time to start basic training. It consisted of simple conditioning exercises to warm up your body and improve your stamina. The knights didn’t usually participate in the exercises, so there weren’t many people here. Even though the motions were the same as what I had done back home, I couldn’t keep up at first. Over time, I gradually got the hang of it, and now it was like second nature to me. Today was better than yesterday. Tomorrow will be better than today. I improved bit by bit, and little by little, I mastered the things I couldn’t do previously.

In other words, everything that led up to this point hadn’t been wasted at all. I felt like the reason I was so optimistic was because I met that boy Louis yesterday.

After my conditioning exercises were done, it was time for sparring matches once more. The knights would participate from here on out, but for some reason, Donalti wasn’t here today. That was fine, though, as I was sure I’d face off against him again sooner or later. I just had to keep getting stronger to prepare for it. Stronger than I was now. I let out a small laugh when I realized that the thought of it excited me.

How strong would I have to get before I could beat him? How much stronger would I be able to get, period?

The more I thought about it, the more pumped up I got. I was still feeling that way when my name was called, and I stepped into the ring. My match was about to begin. My body felt light, my mind was clear, and I could move exactly how I wanted to. It was just like it had been when the bandits had attacked us.

“The winner is Mer!” The instructor’s voice rang out before I knew it. The match was over much quicker than I’d expected, and I felt a bit dissatisfied as I sheathed my sword and left the ring.

“Hey,” Kreuz called out to me as I wiped my sweat from my brow. “You were great today.”

“Thank you! I’m honored to hear you say that, Kreuz.” I smiled and thanked him.

But for some reason, Kreuz was frowning and had a strict look on his face. I almost laughed at the sharp contrast in our demeanors. “For Heaven’s sake. I thought you looked better today, but your swordsmanship was so sharp and clear. Nah, that’s not the best way to describe it…” He trailed off, his expression even more serious and stern now. “Hey, could I ask you something? Though it might be hard for you to answer…”

“Maybe.”

“Why did you take the sword?”

“I don’t remember taking a sword from you…”

“Not like that! I meant why did you start learning how to use a sword?”

I wondered why he was asking me that, but it wasn’t as difficult a question as he thought.

“Because my mother was murdered,” I answered frankly. Even though all I did was answer his question, he gave me a surprised look. “Did I say something strange?”

“No…” He paused for a moment as if he were speechless. “I was just wondering why a little girl like you had started learning how to use a sword, that’s all. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” I replied in a light tone of voice.

“Isn’t it, though? I’m a soldier, and I just heard about one of our citizens not being protected. I can’t forgive myself for that, even though I know that realistically speaking, it’s impossible for me to be able to protect everyone. Anyway, sorry to keep you.”

Just then, my father called for everyone to assemble, so it seemed as if the sparring matches were done for the day.

“It’s fine.”

The two of us then began walking toward my father.

 

***

 

“Excuse me, General. May I have a few minutes of your time?” Kreuz asked as he stepped into the room.

“I just finished up with something. What is it, Kreuz?” Gazell smiled brightly at him, but Kreuz’s serious expression didn’t falter. In fact, the man’s face was so serious that it seemed like something was bothering him.

“I need to talk to you about Mer.”

“Mer? What about her?” Gazell’s face turned serious at the mention of his daughter.

“Well, I suppose it’s more about you than Mer. What do you plan on doing with her?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Today… I thought she was frightening, a little girl like her fighting in that sparring match.”

“She’s a great talent, is she not?”

Kreuz smiled wryly. “I felt something different in her mood right before the match began. An intense feeling of malice, like one would feel on a battlefield. I just couldn’t believe something like that was coming from such a little girl.” He didn’t say it in a good way or a bad way—he just relayed the things he felt to Gazell. “Once the match started, she swung her sword like she was actually intending to kill her opponent. Her defense was on a razor-thin margin, heedless of danger. She lunged into her opponent’s space without hesitation. She fought as if she actually enjoyed the risk of possibly losing her life. No—it was as if she would willingly lose her life.”

To put it simply, he was afraid of her. That was why he always looked so serious when he spoke with Merellis, and why sometimes he found himself at a loss for words. He was a soldier in the kingdom’s army, so of course he’d been in life-threatening situations before and had taken the lives of others on the battlefield. But even still—or maybe because of that—he was afraid of her. Her cutting malice was so sharp it was like the girl was a blade herself. Her fighting style was just the same. She had something mysterious about her, like she was from another world or something. Her strange qualities made him afraid, but at the same time, he was in awe of her.

How much time and determination had it taken her to achieve that at such a young age?

“That’s just how Mer is.” Gazell said in a quiet, matter-of-fact tone. “Actually, ever since she got to the capital, she had lost all those qualities in her swordsmanship. What you’re seeing now is how she usually is.”

“Why did you start teaching her how to use a sword? I wonder if her talent is one that was best to let lie dormant. Because with that malice and determination…one wrong step and it could break her heart. Couldn’t you have her go down a more peaceful path?”

“It was my own selfishness,” Gazell said quietly. “I lost my wife when she was killed by bandits. The two of us went through similar experiences, and I have no right to stop her. Plus, I thought if she learned how to fight, I could make her my daughter’s bodyguard to ensure her safety.” He hadn’t even told his right-hand man the truth about Mer’s identity. “But she was even more talented than I imagined. I taught her basic form and stances and had her spar with me, but she developed that style without me teaching it to her.”

“Why did she change once she got to the capital?”

“Right before she came here, she experienced a true battle. She got it back right after I set a fire under her, though.”

“So you’re the reason why she was able to fight today like she used to, even though she had a choice to give it up… How did it happen, when she was afraid of the sword?”

“She wasn’t afraid of the sword. She was afraid of her own ability.”

“Her own ability?”

“Yes, the ability to easily take someone’s life. Ever since she got to the capital, she seemed uncomfortable, unlike when she was in the march. I knew she could win if she swung her sword as she intended, but she was subconsciously holding back. I could tell when she was still doing it while she sparred with me. She could see herself possibly taking a life, so she was holding back. She was unable to see the soldiers I trained as enemies. Sorry if that offends you.”

“But…”

“As you said, she’s in a perilous state. She took up the sword prepared to abandon everything, even if it meant she gained nothing in return…in order to get her vengeance. The sword is everything to her.”

“But isn’t that even more reason why she should’ve been pushed toward another path?!” Kreuz yelled.

Gazell just smiled sadly. “I wish she would’ve.”

“Then…”

“But you’re underestimating her resolve. I did too.”

“What do you mean?”

“I intended on making her give it up, not encouraging her. I thought since her resolve was about to break, some harsh words would finish it off.” Within his mind, Gazell had silently screamed, “Don’t pick up the sword! That’s enough!” But she resisted. She had given Gazell such a look that he knew that her heart would break if she didn’t pick up a blade. “Her heart is barely alive. Her sword is everything to her, and she sees nothing else. She knows she might not gain anything from it, and yet she still chose it. She won’t give up the sword, whether through force or anything else, and that was why her hesitation put her in danger. If she gets into the habit of holding back, it could create a pitfall for her. That’s why she needs to continue wielding her sword. There’s only one way for her to abandon this path.”

“What’s that?”

“Marriage.”

Even if Gazell took revenge on the people who killed his wife, there would always be those who tried to harm her because she was the daughter of the marquis. That’s what the duke of Armelia had implied to him. And even if he were right—no, as long as that possibility existed, Merellis would have to protect herself. The only time that would become no longer necessary was if she married and relinquished the title of “the hero’s daughter.”

“Could anyone rein her in, though? It would have to be someone interested in more than her beauty.”

“You seem to know her well,” Gazell laughed. “Honestly, I don’t know. She would have to meet someone that was more important to her than her desire for revenge. You asked me before what I intended to do. My answer is nothing. I just want her to be herself, and to be happy. That’s it. That’s truly it, but perhaps that will be a difficult thing to achieve.”

“That sounds like something a father would say.”

“I think of myself as her father.”

“I understand how you feel, General. I’m sorry for questioning you.”

“It’s fine. Keep watching over her from now on, all right?”

Kreuz bowed his head, agreeing.

 

***

 

I stared at the view below me. Ever since the day I lost to Donalti and cried over it, I grew fond of going to the top of that tower after training and taking in the sights.

“You seem on edge again today.”

“Do I?”

I thought I sensed someone nearby, and I was right—it was Louis. I’d wondered if I would ever see him again, but I hadn’t thought it would be this soon.

“I think it’s because I decided to be honest with myself,” I answered.

“Hmm…” He murmured and sat down beside me.

“Is there something in particular you want to accomplish?” I asked out of curiosity. “Last time I saw you, I just talked about myself. I want to know more about you. You said that you grew up privileged too, right? But you didn’t break. I was wondering if you had some kind of goal as well.”

“Do you think that tomorrow will always be the same as today and that it’ll come no matter what?”

“What kind of question is that? Of course not.” Louis gave me a surprised look as I spoke. “My mother was killed even though I never doubted, never even considered that there’d be a day when my family was taken away from me. You never know what’s going to happen in life.”

“Oh, right. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. It’s not like I’m hiding it. So? Go on.”

“My father took me to the graves of the soldiers who lost their lives in the war with Tweil. There were so many names, and the graveyard stretched on and on. The names of countless soldiers who fought to protect the people of this kingdom.”

“Oh…”

Before my father, the hero, joined the war efforts, the situation in the kingdom was dire. Many citizens and soldiers perished in the fight.

“I met soldiers who were wounded in battle as well. Even though they were injured for the sake of our country, many weren’t getting enough care for their wounds. On my father’s orders, that situation seems to have been resolved, but I just realized a lot of people sacrificed their lives so we could have peace. Somewhere out there, I’m sure there are still people paying for it. Do they think they’re doing it to protect the kingdom? I’m not sure anyone sees that bigger picture. They only fought to protect the things precious to them.” Louis cast his gaze out the window. “They have people who are important to them, who also have people who are important to them. Just like the people in Tweil do. When you have a big group of people gathered together, you can create a kingdom. It’s difficult to listen to the stories of every single person in the kingdom, but I want to protect it so that they can all live their lives free of worries. I want to use my intelligence to protect their peaceful way of life. I want to carry on the wishes of those who sacrificed their lives and honor them. That’s what I thought, anyway.”

“Protecting the kingdom…” Honestly, I didn’t understand those feelings. In fact, it made me sick. “Then why didn’t you pick up a sword?” I truly meant it. Why was it necessary to protect others? Strength was everything. Being weak was a crime in and of itself. I hated the people who used weakness as a shield because my father had to protect those people. And because he had to be away to do that, he, no, we had the most precious thing in our lives stolen away from us.

If you’re strong, do you get hurt? If you’re strong, do you not cry? If you’re strong, can you do anything? Of course not. So then why should strong people save the weak? The weak should just become strong, and then they can protect themselves. Why should the strong be responsible for the weak?! I didn’t understand. That’s why I was genuinely surprised when Kreuz apologized to me. I couldn’t understand why he did that. I loved the soldiers because they were strong, but honestly, I didn’t understand why they worked so hard to polish their craft all to protect someone else.

“It’s not just about maintaining the peace. It’s about creating an environment where people can live without worries. That’s the most important thing. If you go about it the right way, you can protect the soldiers too. That’s why I want to follow in my father’s footsteps. Also…I’m really bad with a sword.” He had no idea what I was thinking to myself and continued, “Why did you take up the sword in the first place?”

“Because my mother was murdered. I’m going to send her murderers straight to hell, with my own hands.”

“Vengeance, then.”

“Yes.”

“I see…” He nodded and then quietly looked outside.

“I don’t understand wanting to protect others.” I followed his gaze out the window. “How can you even feel like that? I mean all those people you talked about…they’re complete strangers. Why would you work so hard for people who aren’t even important to you?”

“Because I don’t want to see those things anymore. That’s it. It’s just for my own self-satisfaction.” He smiled faintly. “What about you? What are you going to do afterward?”

“After?” I repeated, not understanding.

“After you get revenge.”

“I don’t understand what you mean. My goal is to get revenge. That’s why I’m working so hard refining my skills with a sword. That’s the reason I’m alive.”

“That’s a waste.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I glared at him. I could feel the irritation inside of me bubbling up to the surface.

“I’m talking about you. Your only goal is vengeance, but what happens after that? Maybe you’ll feel accomplished when you succeed. But if you put everything into one thing, there’s nothing after that. There will be nothing left.”

“I don’t care if I have everything to lose and nothing to gain. This was the only path for me. You wouldn’t understand, because you’ve probably never lost someone.” I didn’t know when it started. But at some point, my vision had been tainted a dark red. I saw everything in black and white, but when I swung a sword, everything before me became red, even if there wasn’t a drop of blood around. I started to think that the only color I saw was beautiful. Maybe my heart was broken, but vengeance was the only thing keeping it beating right now.

“I don’t know. But no, I haven’t lost someone like you have.”

“Then don’t insult my plans for vengeance!”

“I wasn’t trying to. But you want to be strong so badly you cried tears over it, and even now, you’re having such fierce emotions that you’re yelling. That’s how important it is to you, right? Since I haven’t experienced what you have, I can’t insult it. If I did, I would be making light of your experience. There’s no point in doing that when you feel so strongly about something. But most of all, that would be rude.” He turned his gaze back on me. His eyes were clear, and I almost felt like I could see the peace in his heart through them. “However…there’s nothing beyond revenge in the future you’re painting. Even though I have no talent with a sword, I can tell that you’re wasting your talents. What will you do after you get your revenge? I just think it’s a waste to be unable to see the future after that.”

“How I use my skills is my own prerogative, isn’t it?!”

Louis let out another sigh. He then stood up and left.

“Ah…” As soon as the words left my mouth I felt the blood drain from my face, but it was too late—all I could do was watch him leave without a word.

 

***

 

“Brother.” As soon as I got home from the tower, I went to my brother’s room. I just felt like talking to him. He was sitting at his game board alone, and I figured he was probably replaying one of the matches he had with Uncle Romello.

“I was just taking a break. No need to be shy, come on in.”

“Thanks…”

“It’s unusual for you to come here.”

“Is it?” I gave him a puzzled look, but then I thought about it. It was true that I’d only come here maybe once or twice since we came to the capital.

“So? What is it?”

“Can I talk to you about something?”

“Of course. That’s why you came here, isn’t it?”

“Yes. Why did you decide to learn swordsmanship?”

He laughed. “That’s a funny question. How could a son of the Anderson family, the strongest house in Tasmeria, not pick up a sword?”

“I suppose that’s true.”

He set down his piece on the board with a soft clunk and then focused his attention on me. “Merry, if there’s something you want to ask me, just go ahead. It’s just me and you here. There’s no need to hold back with your family, right?”

For a second, I froze. I wondered how long it had been since the two of us had talked like this. Actually…not just with him. How long had it been since I talked to Father, or to Nana? I’d only exchanged the barest minimum of words with my family. That’s why I’d hesitated for a moment. My brother just stared at me without urging me to continue.

“Have you ever wished to get vengeance for Mother?”

He frowned thoughtfully for a moment. “Honestly, yes. I thought I’d like to kill every last one of the people who killed her and send them to hell myself.”

“What about now?”

He smiled sadly at me. “I still feel the same way. If I ever got the chance, I’d take it without hesitation. I can never forgive the people who stole our happiness…our precious family away from us.”

“Good…” I felt relieved hearing his answer.

“But, Merry, at the same time, I’m worried about how you’re going about things.”

“What do you mean?”

“You said that your vengeance was everything to you. But that means you’re turning your eyes away from the present and only looking at the past. You aren’t wishing for happiness. How can I reassure you when I see you constantly chasing a happiness from the past that we can never get back?” He spoke slowly, as if he were admonishing me. His words fell heavily onto my heart.

I’d made a decision to throw away my attachments to the kindness of the world and go down the rocky path instead. That’s why I couldn’t turn around and look at the past…but perhaps I was actually clinging to the kindness in that path, the warm days of the past that I could never recoup. I couldn’t let it rest.

It was because the reason why Mother said goodbye to Father and tried to come home from the capital before him was because of my own selfishness. If I hadn’t said I wanted to celebrate my birthday on the day of instead of later, Father would’ve come home with her and my mother would’ve reached the manor safely. I couldn’t forgive myself. The reason why our most precious person was stolen from us was because of me. I couldn’t pretend like these intense emotions of wanting vengeance—whether I had to be dragged down to hell with them or not—didn’t exist.

“Maybe you’ll be satisfied with that. But Father wants you and me to be happy, because he loves us and we’re his family. That’s why the way you’re going about this hurts so much. It worries me.” My brother’s eyes were kind as he looked at me, and that kindness hurt.

“Brother…”

“When I heard that you got attacked by bandits, all the blood drained from my face. And I cursed my own foolishness, from the bottom of my heart. The incident with Mother was important to me too. I’m not lying when I say that I wish for them all to go to hell.” My brother reached out a hand toward me. “But you’re alive. You’re alive!” His big hand clasped mine tightly. Almost as if he were trying to make sure I was really here. “I don’t want to look away from such a precious thing that’s right in my hand and regret it later.” His tone of voice grew stronger, and his words stabbed into me. Lately I felt like he was much more expressive with his emotions, just like Father. At first I thought that it was because of Uncle Romello, but I guess not.

“Are you saying what I’m doing is wrong?”

“No. Everyone’s entitled to their own emotions. There’re no right or wrong feelings. As long as you follow your heart, then that’s what’s right for you. What I’m saying is simply a result of my own selfishness.” He let go of my hand and caressed my head. “I won’t oppose your desire for revenge. I can’t. You do what you want. But don’t forget that Father and I want you to be happy.”

It was a very kind wish. However, it wasn’t enough to melt my heart that had frozen over like ice. Why did they want me to be happy when we would never have that same happiness again? Why would they wish for my happiness when those warm times would never return to me? No matter how much they wished for it, we couldn’t get back the happiness that had been stolen from us. And it was all my fault. I didn’t understand. Countless questions and doubts ran through my mind.

That night, I didn’t fall asleep right away as I usually did. I left the window open and let the night breeze blow in as I remained awake, thinking. The morning eventually came, and I hadn’t slept. I wasn’t able to sort through it all. I went to the sparring grounds and swung my sword like always. No matter how much I thought about it, I couldn’t find an answer.

Louis said this was a waste of my talent.

My brother said he wished for my happiness.

I had honed my skills so I could rip apart my enemies and get vengeance. And getting that revenge would make me happy.

That’s all I could think about. My family had lost my mother, and a part of everyone’s hearts had broken, or so I thought. In reality, it was my heart that had been frozen. Perhaps that’s not even a strong enough way to describe it. If you could have looked, I was sure my heart was tattered and broken. I still saw the world in crimson. I suddenly realized I was swinging my sword while distracted, so I quickly shifted my thoughts. I would think about those complicated things later because right now all I needed to do was focus on honing my swordsmanship.

Ahh, I was getting excited now. I was having fun. I was having so much fun I could hardly stand it. I even felt happiness seeing the red hues around me.

Once I was finished training, I looked around. There were fewer people here today, and Kreuz wasn’t here either. I wondered if something had happened, but since he wasn’t there, I couldn’t ask anyone. No one would inform a “commoner” like me even if I tried to find out. I felt something akin to resignation as I cleaned up and went back to the mansion.

As soon as I walked through the door, my brother came running to greet me, which was very unusual.

“Merry!”

“What is it?”

“We just got the news…” I braced myself for the worst when I saw his reaction. “Father has killed the bandits who attacked Mother.”

Everything went dark. It was like the entire world had frozen for a split-second. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure of it. The soldiers confirmed it!”

“Oh…” I responded and started to walk away, suddenly feeling shaky.

“H-hey! Merry!” He called my name to stop me.

“I’m going back to my room.” I rejected his attempts to continue the conversation and left. To be honest, I’m not even sure how I managed to get there, but before I realized it, I was in my room. I absently stared at the view out my window. At some point, the sun had set, and the sky had taken on the dark colors of night. It was quiet. The sight and lack of sound made it feel like I was the last person in the whole world.

Tears streamed down my cheeks. Were they happy tears, or…?

At the very least, my goal had been achieved. Father had killed the men who attacked Mother. I was certain he had been merciless and he had knocked them into hell. My wish for vengeance had been granted, and I was genuinely happy about that. I was happy, but…for some reason, I couldn’t be completely joyful about it. Instead, it felt like a new hole had opened up in my heart.

I wanted to be the one to do it. I knew it was selfish, but I’d wanted to use the skills I’d honed and everything I’d learned to put an end to them. That was why I had taken up the sword in the first place and worked hard to get stronger.

That was my whole reason for living. It made me feel so frustrated. It was pathetic.

But my goal had been achieved.

So…what was I supposed to do now? I had to take this feeling of grief and find a new goal and meaning for myself. How would I live my life? My heart felt as if it were the same color as the sky. I cried the whole night, just like the day when I had lost my mother.

 

***

 

I heard the sound of swords clanging against each other. They came from the sparring grounds, just as they did every day. Ever since my brother told me that Father had killed the bandits, I hadn’t been training and had holed up in my room. I hadn’t seen my father or my brother. I wasn’t sure how many days it had been. My heart still felt like it had a hole in it, and I was wallowing in my grief. The darkness of that night was still in my heart.

It was so bad that I didn’t want to do anything. I just wanted to stay here until I withered away.

I rolled over in bed. Were the days always this long? Morning came, then night, and then another morning. The world kept on turning, no matter what happened. Nothing would change whether I stayed in my room or not. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see the outside world. I must’ve fallen asleep, because the next time I opened my eyes, it was late afternoon. I pushed my languid body up into a sitting position and climbed out of bed. I walked over to the window. It seemed like training was done for the day. What would I do here alone? What would I want to do? I placed my hand on the windowsill and pondered.

I wanted to see the view again, I thought, so I impulsively went outside. I left the mansion and ran all the way to the tower, racing up the stairs to the very top.

“Louis…” I called his name softly, but I didn’t see him anywhere. My shoulders slumped. I wasn’t even sure what I would’ve said or done had he been here. I slid to the floor in my usual spot and slowly looked down at the view below. It was different from how it looked when I usually came up here—I noticed lights from houses hazily standing out in the darkness. All of them together created a very magical view.

It was beautiful. Although it was different from the view I was used to seeing, it captured my attention even more. Suddenly, I heard a rustling noise and I felt around on the ground to see what it was. I discovered a piece of paper that had been wedged between the stones and I pulled it out. I wondered if it belonged to one of the soldiers but then remembered that no one else ever climbed up the long staircase. So it must be…

My heart raced as I quickly unfolded it. There were three simple sentences inside. “If you no longer have a goal, all you have to do is find a new one. You have time. There’s no need to rush your life.”

If I hadn’t found this tonight of all nights, the note probably wouldn’t have meant anything to me. But now I understood it, and painfully so. Tears dripped down my face onto the paper. Vengeance had been everything to me. I had focused on it and abandoned everything else. But just like that, I’d lost it. My wish had been granted, yes—but not in the form that I’d been hoping for. It was the only thing I could see as I kept moving forward, but suddenly my goal had been snatched right out of my hands.

When I’d realized that, I almost felt like my knees would give out. I had no idea what to do now. I had no idea what I wanted to do. Vengeance was all I could see, and I didn’t know anything else. It felt like I lost my guidepost and was thrust into the darkness. I felt panicked, empty, and afraid of the future. I deeply and painfully understood what Louis was talking about now when he spoke of what would come after my goal was realized.

“I’ll just have to find a new one…” I murmured, and then smiled. “But you’re alive. You’re alive!” I remembered what my brother said. He was right. I was alive. I still had a future, unlike Mother. I wondered how many regrets she had as her life was ending. I had no way of knowing. But I had blamed myself for being the cause of her death and hated myself, hated the people who had actually caused it, and I hated the world for allowing it to happen.

My family and I experienced such sadness when we lost our mother. But the one who was the saddest and hurt the most was certainly my mother, not me. She had everything taken from her—her goals, her dreams, her family—and I only just realized that now. Maybe that was why I had been stuck…and that was exactly why I couldn’t waste the things that I had. I couldn’t throw away my future. Throwing away something that I had that someone else should have would be completely selfish. But at the same time, I felt angry at myself about it. Instead of fearing the future, I should be grateful. If I had lost my goal, I just needed to find a new one. I had to use the things I’d learned and put them toward my new goal.

It suddenly seemed like the burdens weighing down my heart were lifted just a little. I hadn’t decided anything yet, but I could take my time. All I had to do was keep moving forward. “Mother…I feel like I can finally say goodbye to you now,” I whispered as I looked up at the sky.

 

***

 

“Oh, Louis. Perfect timing. I want you to take care of these documents and add to this one. They’re both due back to me in three days.” Louis felt a split-second twinge of malice as his father Romello gestured toward the mountain of papers, but he pushed the feeling aside and nodded. His father was making him do this to teach him the job and give him experience handling things. Still, it made Louis feel a bit dreary since he knew his father could finish all this work in only one day while he was getting three.

“Yes, yes, I’ll do it. But in exchange, could you please not go out tonight and just stay in instead? I have a bunch of things I’d like you to check over on those documents you gave me the other day.”

“Oh…all right, all right.” Romello relented and nodded in agreement.

“I’ll take these documents and get them back to you later.” Louis had a feeling this batch was the same size as the last, or maybe even slightly bigger. Nevertheless, he picked up the stack and left the room. He let out a sigh as he felt the weight of the work in his arms. He stepped out into the hallway and started walking toward his room. On the way there, he glanced out the window at the tower. As he gazed at it, he thought about the girl he’d met there, Merry. Since he had helped Romello write the notification regarding the deaths of the bandits, he knew what had happened, and he was hoping that those were the bandits who she had been after. But at the same time, if that were the case, he wondered how she felt about it. She said the path of vengeance was the only one she chose, regardless of what she had to gain or lose.

The first thing that sprang to mind when she had said that was wondering what would happen once she reached her goal. She had poured everything she had into it and abandoned all else. But what would happen once that goal went away? The more she put into it, the more grief she would feel once it was gone. Once he realized that, he began to worry about her. She was single-mindedly running toward that goal. Even when someone had beat her and she cried tears of frustration, she smiled and said she would still keep going down that path. This would be true as long as her goal of vengeance remained, but once it was gone, what would she cry about? What would she smile about?

Would that feeling of loss torment her? Would it break her?

He worried about that. He looked back down at the documents. Louis was concerned about her, but he wouldn’t be able to visit the tower for a while because he had his own goal that he was running toward.

After hearing the news, I managed to find a bit of time to go to the tower, but I didn’t end up seeing her. That’s why I left her a letter. It was actually the first time I’d written a letter outside of an official capacity, so it took me forever to decide what to write. It was a good experience, though.

It was only three sentences, but I couldn’t believe how long it had taken me to write even that much. I wouldn’t blame her if she was mad at me the next time I saw her. I just hoped the feeling of loss hadn’t crushed her and that she hadn’t closed off her heart and shut herself off from her emotions. I’d rather her be irrationally angry and cry about how she had lost her goal in life.

I wondered when I started to grow so fond of her animated face. When did I start thinking I could watch her forever and not get sick of it? She wasn’t like the daughters of noble families I was accustomed to, who hid their emotions and did nothing but smile sweetly. She cried and laughed and got angry—she felt her emotions freely, and I found that very attractive.

“Excuse me, Master Louis. Lord Romello would like to see you.” A servant called out to him.

“My father? All right. I’m sorry, but could you take these documents to my room?”

“Of course.”

The boy was now even more determined to finish the work he had before him. And with that, he headed toward Romello’s room.

“Yep. I’m gonna hand them over to the army later.”

“All right. You really did save me. Thank you so much.”

This time, the boy gave her a genuine smile. Once again, the girl was so completely entranced that she couldn’t say a word the entire time back.

They safely returned to the main road and walked for a few moments. Just then, a group of people who stood out from the crowd began walking toward them. They were soldiers of the kingdom’s army—ones under the general’s direct command. They were the most skilled soldiers and had undergone strict training so they would not shame the general’s name. This was clear even by the way they carried themselves.

“Uh-oh…” The boy muttered as soon as he saw them. He was clearly flustered.

The girl wondered why, because he hadn’t been afraid of those big men back there…but she soon found out the answer.

One of the men walking with the soldiers saw the boy and was clearly surprised…and charged toward him. “You idiot!” he yelled.

The girl was totally confused as she watched the man shake his fist at the boy.

“I was wondering where you went, and here you are! Wait, I know what’s going on here. I can’t believe you… How many times do I have to tell you not to poke your nose into things!”

“Well, I didn’t mean to. I was just walking through town when I heard about it, and then I just happened to see her.”

“Whatever. Just hurry up and go home,” the man said with a deep sigh.

“All right! Sorry. I gotta go.” The boy waved at her and then left.

“Ah!” The girl tried to stop him, but she realized she didn’t know his name, so she couldn’t call out to him.

“I’m so sorry we’re late. My name is Gazell. I’ve come to take you home.”

Normally, she’d be so excited to see a war hero that she’d ask for a handshake. But right now, she was more concerned with her own personal savior—the boy who had saved her—than the kingdom’s hero. She asked the general several times on the way home if he knew the boy’s name, but he only responded vaguely and wouldn’t tell her.

She vowed to see that boy again. She swore to herself she would, and then she would thank him.

 

***

 

“Welcome home, Master Pax.” I ran into my brother as soon as I got home. I greeted him as my body double would since there were other people around.

“You’re the one who just got home, so shouldn’t I be telling you ‘Welcome home’? You went out into town again, didn’t you?”

“Ugh…”

I was still wearing the clothes I wore when I went out, so it was pointless to try to deny it. There was nothing I could say. I had purposefully chosen a different path from usual to come back so no one would see me, but I suppose I was unlucky.

“How many times do we have to tell you not to go out to town without one of the soldiers? Father is hailed as a hero and has many enemies, you know that. You’re strong, but who knows what would happen if you were targeted by a professional assassin or something. What do you think it would look like if a bodyguard fell for that reason? Well…what’s done is done, but at least make sure Father doesn’t find out.”

“Oh, um… He already did…” My eyes darted around.

“What?” My brother’s gaze sharpened.

“I was out in town, and I heard a big commotion. Apparently, a noblewoman’s daughter went missing, so I looked for her and found her. I was about to take her home when I happened to run into Master Gazell…”

Lately, I’d been going to town when I had free time. I used to go out alone before, but I only went to the tower. Nowadays I would wander every nook and cranny of the town. When Kreuz took me out that day, there were so many things I’d never seen or heard before, and it made me very curious. That was one reason, at least.

However, my main reason was because I didn’t want to dull my senses. Looking at everything from way up high in the tower wasn’t enough. I wanted to get closer and observe the people’s daily lives. I’d distanced myself from the commoners for so long, but I thought maybe if I got closer to them, it would strengthen my resolve. I had a feeling I was right.

I didn’t want them to suffer like me. And the closer I was to them, the deeper that desire was etched upon my heart. Still, what happened today was a complete coincidence. I was simply exploring the town when I heard a commotion. I was curious, so I went to see what was going on. I overheard that a girl had disappeared, and when people realized it was a nobleman’s daughter, the commotion grew even more.

I looked around for a little bit, thinking about this girl who I’d never met before. I was certain she probably didn’t know much about the outside world, just like me. I thought about what kind of places she might be curious about, so I searched those places and found her. She wore simple but pretty clothes. By the time I got to her, she was already being chased by those men.

I remembered that she had been quiet the whole way back to the main road. She must’ve been afraid of me after the way I subdued the men.

My brother heaved a deep sigh. I felt bad, but at the same time, I was satisfied that I had saved that girl.

“You really like to be out in the action even though Father’s the general, don’t you? And on top of that, you got involved when the daughter of a noble was kidnapped! I’m sure you thought that must mean you should get involved. Whatever. Just go on and get scolded already.”

“He already scolded me…”

“You’re naive. I’m sure there’s a very intense training session waiting for you to make sure you don’t go out in town again.”

“I wouldn’t mind that, actually…”

“Hah! You’re just about the only person who’d think of that as a reward!” My brother laughed and patted me on the head before walking off again.

I returned to my room and changed.

Nana came into my room right as I was finished. “Mer, the master wants to see you,” she told me and then sighed. “Mer, please don’t do such dangerous things. I’m not sure my heart can take it.” She had an usually stern look on her face. I’d done nothing but worry Nana lately.

“I’m sorry. But don’t you think I’m just being myself?”

Nana gave up and sighed again. “Don’t keep the master waiting. Go on, now. Hurry up.”

“Yes, Nana.” I meekly obeyed her and started walking to meet my father. She stayed still, so apparently she wasn’t coming with me.

“You’re such a handful because you think that way, you know that? I should be admonishing you, but when I see you walking around like that, even I can’t help but think you’re just being yourself.”

I heard her mutter in a very quiet voice behind me. I definitely heard her, though, and I had to laugh.

I went to my father’s study and saw him sitting in a chair in the center of the room. He had a very stern look on his face, just like Nana. But, of course, he was much more intimidating than her.

“What do you have to say for yourself?”

“I’m sorry for doing that without permission.” I apologized to him right away. No matter what happened, the fact remained that I had worried him.

He heaved a heavy sigh in response. “What am I going to do with you, hm? Well, no matter. You protected Count McClain’s daughter. Thank you.” I bowed my head in response to his words. “However, the fact remains that you went against my rules and went out to town alone. As punishment, I’m going to be subjecting you to very harsh, rigorous training for a week. And don’t you dare think you’ll be going out to town again for a long while.”

“Yes, Father.”

My brother was right; my punishment was indeed more special training. Lately I’d been going to town because I wasn’t training as much. I thought about how this was a good opportunity for me to start fresh, and I bowed my head to Father once more.

 

***

 

“Hah, hah…”

Romello looked out over the sparring grounds at House Anderson and Merellis was standing in the center. She was panting, trying to catch her breath. Sweat dropped down off of her, and even from this distance he could see that her clothes were drenched.

“I try to make it a habit not to comment on other people’s parenting, but isn’t this training regimen a bit too tough on a little girl, Gazell?” he said to his friend standing behind him as he watched Merellis.

“Too tough? That’s the perfect punishment for her selfish actions.” Gazell snorted but didn’t look down at Merellis.

Romello figured the general must be confident that his daughter was carrying out the training she’d been told to do, even unsupervised. She was, in fact, standing apart from the other soldiers and carrying out the rigorous training regimen her father had prescribed to her. “Her selfish actions? All she did was walk through town.”

“How do you know th—never mind. It never ceases to amaze me, but there really isn’t anything you don’t know, huh?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Of course there is.”

“I’m not so sure about that.”

“You’re really not letting this one go.” Romello said in an easygoing manner.

Gazell glared at him, prompting a laugh from his friend. That only made Gazell’s glare even sharper. Romello thought that if he laughed one more time, surely Gazell would blow his stack, so he withdrew with a sigh. “There are too many things I don’t know. Especially about people,” he said, the lighthearted tone from before now gone from his voice. Instead, it carried the weight of responsibility that came with being the prime minister and supporting an entire kingdom.

“What do you mean?” Gazell asked in a serious voice.

“Exactly what I said. Like, why do people wish for things that are out of their reach? Hope is like a flame. If you wish too hard, it can grow out of control into an ambition, and if the fires of your ambition become too great, it can burn both you and the kingdom.” Gazell looked puzzled in response. “Don’t worry about it, it’s personal. So? Why don’t you want her going into town?”

“Don’t change the subject like that! Well, no matter, but let me ask you a question. What noble wouldn’t be angry if their daughter went out to town alone?”

“Even though she has the strength to protect herself from danger?”

“That means nothing to a parent worried about their child. We still haven’t found out who was behind the bandit attack. So, why should I allow her to go out to town? Wait, don’t tell me you…!” A thought popped into Gazell’s mind, and his voice trailed off.

“You’ve got a sharp intuition.” Romello had a feeling what was going through Gazell’s mind.

“Were you using her as bait to try to draw out the culprits?” Gazell’s voice dropped several notches. An ordinary person would be shaking in their boots, hearing the hero speak like that.

Romello didn’t even bat an eyelash. “You’re jumping to conclusions. I’ll admit that the thought crossed my mind, but I didn’t know how strong she really was. I mean, I’d consider it if you think she’s strong enough…”

“Don’t be ridiculous! I can’t put her in that kind of danger!”

“I thought you’d say that. Fine, then. Stop glaring at me like that.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Oh, come on now. Don’t be angry.” Romello’s voice grew more serious in response. This was the other side of him that he usually didn’t show here in the study at House Anderson. He was a veteran of many battles, fought on a different sort of battlefield than the general. “I said you have a sharp intuition, but I didn’t say you were right. The reason I’m not making a move and haven’t told you to do anything yet is because I think it would put us at a disadvantage right now. I thought perhaps if I moved her a bit, the game board would be easier to manipulate, but there are other measures we can take without involving her.”

“You sure got serious all of a sudden.”

“That’s really your first response to that?”

“Hmph.”

Just then, they heard cheers coming from the sparring grounds. Romello automatically shifted his gaze in that direction. There were several men standing there, with Merellis in the center of the sparring circle. She had apparently finished Gazell’s punishment training and was now sparring with the other soldiers. It looked like she’d just won her match and several soldiers were on the ground around her.

“Is that truly your daughter? She’s amazing!” He blurted out. His amusement was clear in his voice. Romello had been gathering information about Merellis from various sources, but this was the first time he’d ever seen her in action. He was quite surprised. “Who could ever imagine that such a delicate little girl would be stronger than a soldier of the kingdom’s army!”

“She’s said some interesting things. ‘The movements around me feel slower and I can see them better.’ And ‘My hearing is sharpened. It’s like I can hear my opponent’s breath and the movement of each of the muscles in my body.’”

“Do you feel the same way?”

“Nope. I’m just an ordinary guy with better intuition than most.”

“Oh, please. Well, no matter. I’m glad I got to see that today. I’ll drop by again with some more liquor.”

“Next time bring me some from Macallan.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Romello bid farewell to Gazell and went back home. The minute he got there, he spotted Louis. It almost looked like he’d been waiting for him. “I’m back.”

“Welcome home. Could you please go back to your study now?” Louis had just turned ten, but he looked and acted much older. He had a sharp, stern way about him that contributed to it. He carried himself not like a child, but like a responsible adult. Sometimes when Romello heard him speaking to other children, he felt like Louis was much different than them.

“That’s cold.”

“And whose fault is that?”

“Don’t ask me. Come on. You should get back to work too,” Romello said with a cynical smile. Maybe part of the reason he doesn’t act like a child is because of me, he thought. Even though Louis was still young, Louis was already teaching him the ways of his job. He had done the same when he was a child, after all, as all the eldest sons of House Armelia did. Romello switched gears and focused on the pile of documents in front of him. “Hey, Louis…” He paused and called out.

“Yes?”

“I’ll do all those documents over there for you. Would you go over this stack and take care of them?”

Louis looked suspicious when his father handed him the pile of documents, but his expression changed once he looked at them. “This is…”

“You know without me having to explain it, don’t you? This is your first priority.”

“Of course. It would be dangerous even with just mercenaries…but I wasn’t expecting Rimmel to mobilize their troops…”

“I’m surprised you realized mercenaries were involved.”

“Well…it’s because I looked into where you’ve traveled lately. I didn’t figure it out on my own.”

“Still. There’s nothing more to do with the mercenaries though, I’ll take care of them. You’ll help me of course, won’t you?”

“Yes, of course.” Romello nodded and immersed himself in his work.

 

***

 

Ahh, it’s coming. The clanking of wooden swords sounded so far away, but at the same time, my senses felt as if they were growing sharper. My own presence grew distant. My mind became clearer. My focus was on nothing but the battle between my opponent and myself. I saw everything so clearly that it seemed like his movements were getting slower. My hearing was so sharp that I heard his breaths and the movements of every muscle in my body. All of those things came together and helped me move as efficiently as possible.

The day I renewed my resolve was the day my senses began to sharpen even more. When the feeling started coming over me, I felt myself getting far away. It was strangely frightening, but it filled me with satisfaction at the same time. My vision was no longer just black and red like it was before. Now when I fought, vivid colors flooded my vision. It was beautiful and delightful.

“The winner is…Mer!” The instructor called out, snapping me back to reality.

“I lost. You’re in great shape. You’re even faster than the last time I fought you.”

“Thank you, Kreuz.”

I shook hands with him.

“Something good happen to you lately?”

“Something good? Hmm… I guess I’m just having fun.”

“Fun?”

“Up until now, I thought it was my responsibility to become stronger.” For my revenge, to beat this senseless world. So I wouldn’t lose anything else. I just kept telling myself I had to become stronger, but I wouldn’t be satisfied no matter how strong I had become. I kept telling myself it wasn’t enough. “My goal of being stronger went away…but this is still all I have. And once I realized that, I felt hopeless for a while.” I locked myself up in my room and rejected the outside world. I had felt so empty. I wanted to turn my gaze away from my sadness and just wanted time to hurry up and pass, but at the same time, I was afraid for each second to tick by.

“But…you and the other people around me taught me how important it was to look forward to the future. And since this is all I have, I decided to keep honing my skills, toward a new goal. This time I don’t feel like I have to get stronger. I just want to get stronger. Once I realized that, it took a lot of pressure off of me, and now it’s simply fun. I know it might sound strange to say that training is fun though.”

“It doesn’t sound strange. But hey, if you’ve taken the first step toward a new goal, you’ve got my full support.” Kreuz said warmly, giving me a kind smile. I smiled back at him. “How ’bout I take you out to eat to celebrate?”

“Sure!”

And so after training was over, I went out to eat with Kreuz and the others.

“I know I’m the one who invited you, but you sure can eat a lot, Mer.”

“Huh?” I guess I’d been starving after training all day because I was demolishing my food. I realized it probably wasn’t very ladylike…and I was the only one stuffing my face. The others were leisurely enjoying their food and drinks. “I was hungry from my training. This is the usual amount I eat though… I try not to eat too much so I don’t gain weight. It would affect my performance, after all.”

“No, no, that’s not it. I just mean I’m surprised you even have the energy to eat like that after the hellish training the general puts you through!”

“Yeah, what he said! I’d probably puke!”

“Heck, I’d be puking while training!”

I half chuckled at everyone’s comments. “I used to, actually.” They all stopped and stared. No one moved for a bit. It was like time had frozen at our table. “Did I…say something strange?” I asked, and everyone started moving again.

“N-no, it’s just surprising…”

“Yeah, I can’t even imagine you doing that.”

“Yeah. You always go through it all with such ease, I never would’ve expected…”

“The general took me in to train me when I was very young. At first it was so tough I couldn’t even eat. But humans are very adaptable, you know.”

“Y-yeah… So, wait, you’ve been training like that ever since you were little?”

“At first it was impossible for me to get through it all, but I added more and more each day, little by little. It took a long time for me to think this training regimen was easy.”

“Easy…” Everyone’s expressions grew tense.

“By the way, is it really okay for you guys to be drinking in the middle of the day?” I wasn’t sure if I was even supposed to be allowed at a place like this, but I was surprised they were drinking so early. It made me feel closer to them when they invited me out like this, but I was the only one drinking fruit juice, of course.

“Yeah, well… We’re not on duty today, so…”

“Oh, you’re training even on your days off? That’s good.”

“The general’s training is popular with the army, of course, and the House Anderson guards. It’s basically like we’re wedging ourselves into the guards’ training, and there are a limited number of men who can participate. Even though we’re in his regiment, it’s not every day you can train with the general!”

“Yeah. The only way for rookie soldiers like us to get time with the general is if we spend our days off training.”

“We respect him, so I don’t mind spending my days off training with him. But the negative part is that I’m surrounded by guys all day, every day. I’ve got no chance to meet any women!”

“Don’t remind me! One day our flowers will bloom…” All of a sudden, the men got a faraway look in their eyes. I felt a sort of sadness about them.

“Don’t sound so tragic.” Kreuz looked kind of sad too.

“Someone who’s married has no idea what we’re going through!”

“Yeah! We’re surrounded by guys all the time, left and right! Ahh, it feels so empty!”

Hmm, so the reason why Kreuz is always so confident is because he’s married…

“I’m not a guy, though.” I wasn’t sure why they were counting me as one of them.

“Well, that’s true, but…”

“I know what you’re trying to say.” One of the men’s eyes started darting around. It seemed like the others knew what he was feeling.

“Mer’s more manly than some of the men here!” A few of them said at once.

Huh??? I was baffled.

“You never complain about your training even though some men would break under it. In fact, you even enjoy it! You’ve got some fortitude.”

“Then you train some more on your own, and even have more appetite than a man!”

“You appeared out of nowhere to rescue that little girl.”

“You’re way more manly than us!” They said in unison, hanging their heads. They let out a sigh but then started cracking up laughing.

“Let’s drink!”

“Yeah! All of us single guys should drink until midnight!”

“The bonds between single men will never be broken!”

“Oh, please. You know you’re gonna beat us to the punch!”

“Stop arguing, you two. We’re all in this together!”

They were getting rather excited and started drinking one glass after the other.

“Wait, if the bonds of you single guys will never be broken, doesn’t that mean your flowers will never bloom after all? Shouldn’t you just hurry up and get it over with?”

“Aw, come on. Some things in this world are better left unsaid. Just watch over us warmly, Mer.” Kreuz said after I pointed that out. He looked at the other guys fondly.

I nodded, and not wanting to make the situation worse, just watched over them too. After that, I enjoyed a little more food and drink, and then the party came to an end. They took me back to the mansion and said goodbye at the gates as they were going to go back to the restaurant to drink some more.

“I have to go eat dinner at home at least on my days off or else my wife will be mad at me!” Kreuz had said with tears in his eyes and tried to run away. Unfortunately, the other guys caught him and dragged him along with them. “Mer, at least let me walk you into the mansion! Please? Come on, please? This is my only way out! I invited you after all, so I need to take responsibility for you until you get home safely!” He tearfully sought my help, but I just silently stared at him.

That’s because I was genuinely surprised that they were much quicker and more aggressive at trying to capture him than they were during training. I realized that him bringing up his wife must’ve lit a fire under them. It definitely wasn’t because I was afraid of them and acting like I didn’t know what was going on.

“MER!!!”

“Now, now, Kreuz. You don’t need Mer’s protection. The house is right through those gates, and it’s still light outside. But most of all, she’s stronger than us. She’ll be fine! Now come out drinking with us.”

As I heard their voices growing distant, I sent a silent cheer of encouragement after Kreuz.

The sun was just about to set. I felt like it would be a waste to go home so soon, so I decided to go up to the tower. Father was so strict lately that I couldn’t go out to town alone much. I wondered if he had told Kreuz and the others that they must take me back home themselves and that was why they’d walked me back. In that case, Kreuz was making the best decision.

The guards at the tower were used to me coming up there, so they let me go ahead. I kept on running up the stairs to the top. “Louis…” I murmured, seeing his familiar figure there, but I must have said it loudly enough for him to hear because he slowly turned around.

“Nice to see you again, Merry.” It had been a long time since I saw him. He looked a bit tired, but a soft smile spread across his face.

“Nice to see you too.”

“You look better than I thought you would.”

We hadn’t seen each other since the bandits had been killed. He seemed genuinely surprised, and I had to laugh.

“Sorry about that.”

“Why are you apologizing?”

“Because I really hounded you that day, and I’m sorry.” He bowed his head to me with a serious look on his face. It just made me laugh even more.

“Don’t apologize. I’ll admit that I was pretty irritated with you that day, but you were right.” My smile tightened as I spoke in a serious voice. I chose my words carefully to try to explain myself. “I was stuck in the past, and I’d left behind all the things that were important to me here in the present. Once the bandits were caught, I felt like I lost the meaning of my life. I just became so…empty.”

I felt like I had lost my guidepost and was plunged into the darkness. I feared the future. A shiver went down my spine when I imagined what would have happened if I were still stuck in that place.

“But something my brother said to me, and that letter you left me, made me decide to move on.”

“If you no longer have a goal, all you have to do is find a new one. You have time. There’s no need to rush your life.”

That was what he had written in his letter.

“But you’re alive. You’re alive!” I remembered what my brother had practically yelled and how serious he’d been.

It was because of both of those things that I was grateful for my life right now. I could finally look ahead to the future when I hadn’t been able to before. It felt like time had finally started moving again for me in that moment.

“So, thanks,” I said. This time Louis smiled back.

“You’re kind of weird.”

“Am I?”

“Yeah. That hostility you used to have about you—like if someone got too close you’d stab them or something—it’s gone now.” Kreuz had said something similar.

“Maybe you’re right. I’m just having a lot of fun right now.”

“Really? Well, I’m glad.”

I suddenly felt a little shy and awkwardly walked over to take a seat by him. I sat down because I couldn’t look at him. If I just looked down at the view, it wouldn’t be weird if I didn’t make eye contact with him since he was still standing up. “By the way… How’d you know that my goal was for those bandits to get caught?”

“I didn’t. I just had a hunch, that’s all.”

“Oh.”

He took a seat next to me. “Hungry?” He took out something wrapped in paper. “These are buns from Old Man Faro’s place.”

“Sure. Thanks.” I picked up one of the six buns and shoved the whole thing in my mouth. An unbelievably spicy taste filled my mouth. “What the—?!”

“Oh, you got the dud.” Louis said casually when he saw my reaction.

I coughed several times. “What do you mean, dud?!”

“He sells a pack of six, all different flavors. Five of them are yummy, but for some reason there’s always one that’s super spicy. Even though I know there’s one dud, I still keep buying them. They’re famous. I heard lately it’s popular to buy a pack to share with your friends and see who gets the spicy one.” He handed me a jug of water, and I quickly opened it up and started drinking.

Even though I emptied it, my mouth still felt like it was on fire.

“I was thinking I’d never seen anyone shove the whole thing in their mouth before…but I guess you didn’t know about it. I can’t believe you got the dud your very first time eating one…”

I could tell he was stifling his laughter.

“If I would’ve known, I wouldn’t have eaten the whole thing!” I protested. Louis couldn’t hold back his laughter anymore. At first I pouted at his reaction, but at some point I started laughing too. Before long, my mouth didn’t feel like it was on fire anymore. “Well, if I just ate the dud that must mean the rest are fine, right? Can I have another one?”

“Of course.”

I hesitantly bit into the bun he gave me, but this one was delicious. “It’s really good. I wonder why he puts the dud in with the rest of the pack?”

“No idea. It may be a dud, but it’s a hit with people who like spicy foods.”

“I really don’t get it.” And I was speaking from experience. “Do you go into town a lot, Louis?” If the guards let a kid like him pass through, then his dad must be someone really important. I wondered why he was allowed to go out into town alone.

“Yeah. But I’m sure as I get older, I won’t be able to anymore. I won’t have the time, and I won’t be able to because of my position. I won’t be as free as I am now, so I want to enjoy it while I can.

“Hmm…”

Louis took one of the buns and started eating it. “At least I was able to discover delicious food like this.”

“I’ve been going to town a lot lately too. All I thought about before was my training, so there are a ton of things I don’t know. Like Old Man Faro’s buns.”

“Oh, do you like going out into town?”

I thought about it for a moment. “Yeah, I like it now.”

“You should go explore more, then. The more you know, the better. I think there’s nothing that makes you happier than discovering new things, after all.”

“Yeah.”

“Next time you should go with me to try some places at the market. I can give you recommendations.”

“Really?! You promise?”

It was a promise for the future. A step in a new direction.

“Sure.”

It was a promise that made my heart race.

 

***

 

“Hmm…” If I moved there, I wouldn’t be able to move here. But if I moved here, I wouldn’t be able to move there… I stared at the game board, but I couldn’t come up with any good moves. Rather, there weren’t any good moves left. “I retire.” I reluctantly gave up. “You’ve gotten even better than last time, Brother.”

“There’s still someone I can’t beat,” he said with a wry smile, and I immediately thought of Uncle Romello. He must really be amazing if even my brother couldn’t beat him.

“He hasn’t been around lately. I wonder if he’s out drinking somewhere again.”

“Who knows? Maybe he’s just busy with work.”

“Work? I honestly can’t even picture Uncle Romello at work.” I had only ever seen him drinking alcohol. On top of that, he seemed like such a free spirit that I just couldn’t imagine him working at some company or doing some important job for the kingdom.

“Sometimes people have sides to them that can surprise you. Just like you, for example.”

“Huh? How am I like Uncle Romello?”

“You might be doing different things, but you’re the same at the core. You’re both hiding ferocious claws.”

I gave him a puzzled look. “Well, thanks for playing with me. I should go to bed.” I glanced at the clock and stood up. It was getting late. “Good night.”

“Good night.”

The next day, I got up to do some self-guided training before the sun rose. After I was finished, I ate and then started my studies. I didn’t have any talent for strategy at all, so that wasn’t part of my studies. Father had instead insisted that I study the very basics of what the daughter of a noble needed to know. This was apparently his strategy to cut down on my free time so I didn’t go out into town. Of course, I understood why it was necessary. He knew that unless Kreuz or a member of the guard was with me, I’d find a way to go to town and stick my nose in where it didn’t belong. I had a prior record of doing so after all, so it’s not like I could complain…

Still, I had to wonder what my father was thinking, telling me to study and giving me the materials but no tutor. I suppose that since the story was that I was his daughter’s bodyguard, it was difficult to get a tutor for me. That left me no other choice but to study by myself.

Luckily, we had a fairly sizable library at the mansion. I could find any books I needed to help with my studies there, and if I was really stuck, I could just ask my very smart brother for help. Yesterday’s game happened because I’d dropped by to ask for help on my homework, and when we were done, we just naturally started playing. It had become somewhat of a daily ritual for me to go to his room for homework help and a game. I wasn’t sure what he really gained from playing against me, but I had to admit that playing every day had improved my skills a bit. That just went to show how much I was relying on my brother lately.

Also, not only did my father not hire a tutor for me, but he knew nothing about the proper etiquette of a young woman of a noble family. So luckily for me, he had made an exception about that and wasn’t forcing me to learn etiquette.

I’d finished my quota for the day, so I was left with nothing else to do. I could be a good girl and stay inside the house, or…

I looked out the window and saw the House Anderson guards doing their training.

“Shrey!” It was too hard for me to sit still once I saw that, so I decided to go out and join them.

“Hey, Mer!” I went over to a group of them who were taking a short break and watching the others. Shrey was the deputy commander of the guard, and I had trained with him many times before.

“It’s been a while since I saw you. Did something happen?”

“No, I just went back home to the march for a bit. Wanted to make sure everything was safe.”

Since the House Anderson guards were trained by my father, they were the most elite, toughest warriors in the kingdom. They had basically the same duties that the soldiers of the army had and were tasked with ensuring the safety of the march. They were essentially a natural deterrent since they had endured my father’s tough training. But naturally, my father didn’t personally need bodyguards; they didn’t have set duties. And they served our family, so we couldn’t just dismiss them.

“I see. So? How are things back in the march?”

“Same as always. No one in their right mind would try anything in the domain ruled by Master Gazell anyway.”

“That’s good.”

“By the way, Mer… I heard you’ve grown a bit wild lately.”

“Me, wild? I don’t remember doing anything like that…” Father had been keeping a close eye on me as of late, so it was difficult to go out into town alone. I also hadn’t been involved in any incidents since I rescued that girl.

“I was just joking. Kreuz told me what happened before.”

“Oh.” I chuckled dryly.

“Here.” Shrey handed me a practice sword. “Show me how strong you’ve gotten. I heard you’ve beaten Kreuz now.” He grinned at me, and I saw competitive spirit gleaming in his eyes. He was hungry for a battle. He had definitely been trained by my father. “What’s with that look on your face?” He asked with a laugh, interrupting my thoughts.

“My face?” I didn’t know what he meant. I started patting around on my face, wondering if there was something on it, then I realized the corners of my lips were upturned. Apparently, I was grinning without even realizing it. I guess I really had no room to talk. I had been imagining fighting with Shrey, and I guess I got excited about it. “Let’s go.”

“It’s on!” I started running. As I ran, I sharpened my senses to read his movements. Suddenly a sword came slicing toward me at incredible speed. But I stopped it.

“Heh.” He grinned at me. “Wasn’t expecting you to block me so easily.” He said, then started moving again. I watched the way he moved his arms, where he looked, and the casual way he swung his sword. I moved the exact same way. “You really have gotten stronger.” He said as he put some distance between us.

“So have you,” I answered as I started moving again.

“Whoa!” Our swords crashed against each other several times. His reactions were very swift, and every time I thought I had him, it wasn’t enough to finish him off. When I stepped too far toward him, a strong blow followed. I smiled again as this went on. This was fun; I was just barely getting attacks in, and just barely defending myself. One wrong move would cost one of us the match. There was a tension and excitement about it all that made me feel alive. But all fun times must come to an end. I knocked Shrey’s sword out of his hand and thrust mine toward his throat.

“You win.”

“Thank you.” I pulled my sword away.

“You really have gotten stronger. I thought I had too, but it looks like I’ve got a long way to go.”

“That’s not true. You almost had me several times.”

“Oh, stop. Ahh, now I just wanna train some more when I get home.”

“What are you talking about, Shrey?”

“Huh?” He froze.

“We’ve still got plenty of time until sundown. Let’s have another match.”

“U-uhh, well… I think I have to go give my report to the general!”

“Master Gazell won’t be home until after sundown anyway. Or was there something else you had to do?”

“No…”

“Then shall we have another match?” I smiled innocently at him. He relented with a smile and then picked up his sword.

After that we had several more matches, and then I went to spar with some other members of the guard. I didn’t even really have to concentrate that hard. I just read the atmosphere of each match because I already basically knew how they moved. They’d been there watching over me ever since I started training, so they happily went along with my requests for a match. I was touched, and it made me really happy.

When I faced off against men from the capital, they treated me like equals. A big reason for that was probably because Kreuz was their leader. Out of the Anderson guard, the soldiers, and the knights, Kreuz paid the most attention to me. It was probably because I was in an environment with a bunch of men who weren’t always friendly, but he wanted to make sure they didn’t underestimate me. I felt proud that even though they were hard on me, they treated me like a full-fledged soldier.

Training with the Anderson guard made me feel like I was back home. In contrast to their easy movements, training at the capital was tense, almost like work. Not that I knew what work felt like, but I felt like I could imagine it.

No one method was better than the other, but I felt that both were necessary to help me grow.

“Ah, Kreuz!” I said when I saw him show up at the sparring grounds.

“Hey, Mer. Looks like you’re keeping busy.” He let out a chuckle as he glanced at the men lying on the ground around me.

“What are you doing here today? Master Gazell isn’t home yet.” I smiled at his reaction.

“Oh, really? It’s a shame I missed him. Well, no matter. I was in the neighborhood, so I decided to drop by.”

“Hey, Kreuz.”

“Oh, Shrey! I didn’t know you were here.” Shrey got up and went over to talk to Kreuz.

The two of them were the same age, and since Kreuz showed up at the Anderson mansion quite frequently for training, they’d seen each other a lot and hit it off in no time. “Looks like Mer must’ve taken care of you the moment you got back.”

“More or less. I was curious to see how much stronger she got since I heard she beat you. She was great.”

“Bet she was.”

“Anyway… You free after this, Kreuz?”

“Hm? Yeah, I am. I just finished my shift.”

“Then let’s go drinking tonight. It’s been a while since I was in the capital last. Come along with me.”

“Ahh, sure. Why don’t we invite the other guys after they’re finished with their training too?”

“Yeah, let’s do it.”

“How about you, Mer?” Kreuz suddenly turned toward me and asked.

“Are you sure I can come?”

“Yeah, of course. We all worked here and sweated together, right? You’re our comrade. Let’s celebrate Shrey’s return to the capital.”

“Okay! Thank you!”

And so I went to town with them again. Father came home right before we left, they both gave him their individual reports, and I notified him that I was going with the two of them.

“Well, I’m sure you won’t try anything funny as long as you’re with Shrey and Kreuz,” he said and gave me his permission. I thought it was questionable that he was worried about me being the one to cause an incident, and I almost said so, but since I had a prior record, I kept my mouth shut. Sometimes there was safety in silence after all, so I chose to be wise.

At any rate, the city came alive once night fell. We were all pretty calm in comparison as we entered a relatively expensive establishment. It was actually my second time coming here as Kreuz and the others had brought me before.

“Oh, Shrey! Long time no see! You gonna be in the capital for a while?” As soon as Shrey took a seat, a woman from the back came over and greeted him. She was Madame Caluis, the owner of the place.

“Not sure, honestly.”

“Ha ha. Well, I guess it’s good that you’ve got work. Work hard for a while, get married, and then come here to relax.”

“I come here plenty, Madame,” Shrey said with a small chuckle. Madame Caluis’s response was a charming smile on her face.

I looked away from their conversation and scanned the establishment. There were many women dressed in beautiful clothes here. It seemed like business was thriving tonight.

“Oh, my! You brought Mer with you again!”

“It’s nice to see you again, Madame.”

“You’re always such a polite little girl! You really are so adorable.” She looked at me with sparkling eyes and patted my head. She had been very fond of me the last time I came here too. It felt so good to have such a beautiful woman dote on me. I felt people’s gazes prodding at me from all directions, but I didn’t care. “What would you like to drink tonight, honey? I bought all kinds of fruit, just for you!”

“Really? Thank you so much, Madame.”

“Let me take you over to your seat.” She took me by the hand and started walking. I was so enraptured by Madame’s conversation that I didn’t notice what others were saying around me.

“Hey, Kreuz. Why’s Madame so fond of Mer?”

“Well, Madame was attacked by a pickpocket, and Mer got back her things. She appeared out of nowhere and blocked off the culprit’s path. He was screaming mad, but Mer beat him to a pulp. She didn’t ask for anything in return from Madame and even acted as her bodyguard to escort her safely home! Madame said, ‘You’re so adorable yet even more masculine than a boy!’ Mer totally forgot it even happened, though.”

“Madame’s a veteran on her own kind of battlefield, but Mer won her over, huh? Impressive.”

“In more ways than one!”

I took my seat, and a bunch of other ladies joined us at our table. Madame was next to me and was waiting on me hand and foot. I enjoyed chatting with everyone, and the ladies really made our conversation much more fun.

“This fruit juice is good. Thank you so much, Madame.”

“I’m happy you like, Mer! I’m glad I got that fruit for you.”

Madame smiled brightly. I wondered if she didn’t usually smile like that, because the other ladies at the table seemed a bit startled and blinked at her in surprise.

“You really do love Mer, don’t you, Madame? Last time she came here with Kreuz and the others, and now Shrey is here… How do you know them all, Mer?” One of the ladies asked me.

“She trains with us,” Kreuz answered.

“What?! At that young an age? But you all are very strong, right? How in the world could she train with you?”

“She just does. Otherwise, she wouldn’t be here with us,” Kreuz said with a smile.

“But I heard that your training is really tough. Are you all right, Mer?”

“I’m a guard, just like Shrey. I need to become stronger for my mistress.” I answered according to the story my father had made up. The women looked even more surprised but accepted my answer. Their reactions were pretty entertaining. I wondered what they would think if they knew my true identity, although of course I would never tell them.

“I see… It sounds like you’re working very hard for your age!”

“Oh, I don’t know…” I answered shyly, feeling heat collect in my cheeks.

“I have a younger sister. I think she’s about your age, Mer.”

“Oh, really? I bet she’s really pretty, just like you.”

The woman I was speaking to had straight, platinum blonde hair and was incredibly beautiful. “Oh, stop!” She giggled in response. She really was gorgeous, and I was sure of it when I saw Guntz, who was sitting next to Shrey, start to blush when he looked at her.

Suddenly, I looked down at myself. No one would ever say the clothes I wore were feminine. And both Kreuz and Shrey said I was more manly than even some of the guys. I didn’t mind them saying that, and until now it had never really bothered me. But as I sat there surrounded by those gorgeous women, I started to feel self-conscious.

“What’s wrong, Mer?”

Perhaps my emotions had shown on my face, or perhaps it was just a woman’s intuition, but one of the ladies looked concerned.

“I was just thinking how pretty you all are.”

“Hee hee… Thanks! But you’re very pretty too, Mer.”

“Am I?”

“Of course you are. There’s no need to rush it. Girls always blossom at exactly the right time. I just know you’ll grow into a beautiful woman who’ll make any man’s head turn, if that’s what you want.”

Honestly, I couldn’t imagine making any man’s head turn because of my beauty, but her words of encouragement did make me feel better.

“Mer, if you ever need to talk about anything, we’re here to listen. I know you have a lot of friends who care about you, but sometimes there are things you can only ask other girls, right?”

“Thank you. I’m sorry, I don’t know your name…”

“It’s Lurulia!”

“Nice to meet you, Lurulia.”

That night, I made friends with all the other ladies who worked for Madame, and we had a wonderful time chatting.

 

***

 

A few days later, I went back up to the tower after I was finished training. Father had gone back to the march, and you know what they say about when the cat’s away…

“Long time no see, Merry.” Louis was there.

“Hi, Louis.” We hadn’t planned on meeting or anything. The only thing I even knew about him was his first name, so there was no way for me to contact him. “Have you gotten skinnier?” To be honest, “gaunt” might have been a more fitting term.

He chuckled in response. “I’ve been really quite busy lately. I’m glad to see you look well, though.”

“Thanks.” I looked down at the view below us, and he did the same.

“By the way…” he said all of a sudden. “Remember how we promised to go into town together?” For some reason, my chest felt tight as he spoke. “Do you want to go do that now?”

“Sure!”

We climbed back down the stairs together.

“This is Old Man Faro’s shop. And over there is a shop called Rusbury…”

“Oh, I’ve heard of it! That bakery is really famous.” The soldiers talked about it a lot.

“Have you ever had it before?”

“Unfortunately not.” None of the soldiers ever went there themselves, so I hadn’t had a chance to tag along yet.

“Would you like to go?”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure. I’ve been wanting to eat there myself for a while now.”

“Okay, thanks! Let’s go!”

The two of us walked toward the bakery. There were a lot of people there, so I figured it must really be popular.

“Do you know what you want?”

“Hang on, I can’t decide whether I want a pie or a scone.” I bit my lip, seriously conflicted as I looked at the display. They were both popular, and when I looked around, I noticed that many of the people sitting down were eating both.

“Okay, we’ll get one pie and one scone,” Louis went ahead and ordered and paid before I even finished deciding.

“But I haven’t decided yet, Louis.”

“You want to eat both, right? I got both so we can share.” He said it as if it were the most natural thing in the world, but I was shocked.

“Are you sure?”

“Why are you being so shy?” He asked with a chuckle.

“Well, at least let me pay…” I started to say, but he quietly shook his head.

“Just let the boy have his moment and pay, sweetie. It’s a date, after all!” the old lady behind the counter said to me as she handed Louis the food.

“Da—?!” My heart started pounding like crazy hearing that word. I’d never thought about dates before, much less ever thought I’d go on one!

“Oh, Merry! There’s an open table over there… Hm? What’s wrong?” I was completely flustered, but Louis seemed as calm as ever. I was sure he had heard the old lady too. It bothered me a little that he could be so casual when I was panicking.

“I-It’s nothing. Thanks, Louis.”

It was no wonder why this place was so popular; everything was delicious! Once we finished eating, we started walking around town again. However…I was still thinking about what the old lady said to me, and Louis was still completely unbothered. It made me feel a bit foolish to be the only one self-conscious about it, and I heaved an inward sigh.

Just then, I saw a shop with beautiful clothing on display in the window. I wondered if Louis would still feel calm and collected if I was the type of girl who wore pretty clothes like that. For that matter, did he even know I was a girl? After all, I spoke plainly with him, like one of the guys. Well, it was too late to change myself now. I’d probably even be too embarrassed to wear clothes like that…though I did see a hairpin that I really liked.

“Hey, are you all right?” I must have been spacing out, because all of a sudden, Louis leaned in close and checked on me.

“Whoa!”

He chuckled at my reaction. “Sorry, sorry… You seemed like you were spacing out. Are you tired?”

“N-no, I was just thinking.”

“Okay.” Louis answered and then started walking again.

It was nice of him to be concerned, but he could have at least said something else, I thought selfishly. Once again, I was so lost in my thoughts that I ran right into a passerby. “Ah…” There were so many people around that just stopping for a moment made me lose sight of Louis. I let out a deep sigh. We were supposed to be having fun together. Why was I being such an idiot and getting caught up in these negative thoughts?

“Merry!” As I stood there feeling sorry for myself, Louis came back to get me.

“Sorry I got lost, Louis.”

“I’m just glad I found you again. Sorry I walked off so quickly. Come on.” He held out his hand to me like it was no big deal. “Take it. So you won’t get lost again.”

“What?!”

He grabbed my hand and fell into step beside me as we started walking through town again. Spending time with Louis was so much fun that I decided to stop thinking about negative things. I really wanted to enjoy this fun time we were having together.

“I heard there’s a weapons shop nearby… Look, there it is!” Louis said suddenly.

That certainly got my attention. “A weapons shop?! I want to see!”

Louis chuckled at my reaction, and we headed toward it. This street was probably the largest area in the capital. The shop was on the corner. We went inside, and it was filled with all kinds of weapons and armor. I recognized a lot of it, but there were many things I’d never seen before as well. Even just looking was a lot of fun. Its only flaw was that it was just a bit dusty in there. I kept coughing, but it was still really exciting to explore.

“Welcome… Oh, it’s you.” An old man who seemed to be the owner emerged from the back and approached Louis.

“Why do you sound so disappointed?” Louis responded in a joking manner. Obviously the two of them knew each other.

“I was wondering why you hadn’t been by lately, and here you are bringing a pretty young lady with you! Why are you wasting your time here? Go on and show her a good time somewhere else!”

“She’s the one who wanted to come in here.”

“Huh?”

“It’s nice to meet you, sir. I like looking at weapons… I’m really interested in them, in fact. Is it all right if we stay a while and look around?” I asked.

The old man stared silently at me. But a few moments later, he chuckled. “You’re serious, aren’t you? What an odd one!”

For some reason, those words hurt me. I’d been worried about whether Louis found me pretty, but my curiosity won out and I’d asked him to take me here. I guess it was my own fault after all.

“Well, no matter. Feel free to look around.”

Louis laughed at the man’s response. “Good for you. The owner here doesn’t really care about selling anything. If he doesn’t like you, he’ll kick you out of his shop.”

“He must be very responsible,” I replied. After all, it was a weapons shop. The things sold here were made to hurt people. The owner surely understood that, and that was why he could probably identify people who wouldn’t take that seriously and prioritized that over making a profit. He understood the true purpose of weapons.

“Hey, Miss. I got a special one over here. Wanna see?”

“I’d love to!”

The old man brought out several swords from the back. They were made from all different workshops. He carefully explained each one as he showed them to me. “You wanna hold one you like?” I took him up on his offer and picked up one that caught my eye. “Now, that one is a heavy one. It’s from Ridley’s workshop. Might make your attacks more powerful, but not even I’d be able to heft that one in battle!”

I moved a distance away from the two of them and easily swung it through the air. But it was much heavier than the sword I was used to, so I couldn’t move how I wanted to.

“You do look like you know what you’re doing, Miss,” the old man murmured. I flashed him a wry smile. And then he smiled back at me—sadly. I had a feeling he knew just from watching how hard I had trained to get to this point and how much time I had spent on the way of the sword. “I don’t wanna pry or anything, but do you have someone precious to you?” He asked with sympathy in his voice.

“Of course I do!” I responded emphatically. The heavy mood in the air disappeared, and a soft smile came over his face.

“I see, I see. Well, make sure to take care of ’em. People precious to you understand you and stick by your side. Just like this young man here.”

“Thank you.”

After that, the old man started talking about swords again.

“I’ll come back again sometime.”

“I’ll be looking forward to seeing ya.”

I had really warmed up to the old man, and once we bid him goodbye, Louis and I left his shop. The sun was starting to set.

“Thanks, Louis. I had a lot of fun today.”

“I’m glad to hear it.”

The two of us walked side by side back to the tower. Louis led the way as we climbed up to the top.

“I always come here, but I like being here at this time of day the best,” he said. He was right. The sky was a pale purple color. The darkness of night mingled with the reds of the sunset, creating a gorgeous color in the sky. I looked toward the left and saw the crimson sun sinking below the horizon. And if I looked to the right, I could see the moon glowing in the dim light. Adults and children below us were all on their way home, so it looked like there were even more people out than usual.

“Hey, Louis…?”

“What is it?”

“Do you remember how you said before that you wanted to protect the kingdom so all the people down there would live without worries?”

“Yeah.”

“It took me a while, but I finally understand that feeling.”

He didn’t respond. He was quiet, as if waiting for me to continue.

“When I no longer had the opportunity to kill my enemies like I wanted to, I felt like I had nothing left. I asked myself what I wanted to do next. What I wanted to become. I thought a lot about it, and I ultimately realized that I didn’t want anyone else to have to grieve the loss of a loved one like I did. I know how much it hurts, so I never want someone else to go through that. And I decided that’s why I would continue swinging my sword.”

“I have a feeling you were overthinking it,” Louis said. I gave him a puzzled look. “That’s exactly what wanting to protect someone feels like.”

I had to laugh. He was right, after all. Then I remembered the soldiers who trained with me, who were following in my father’s footsteps. I wanted to keep training with them so that my loved ones would continue smiling. “Thanks, Louis.”

He gave me a small smile. “I didn’t really do anything. You’re the one who came to that conclusion.”

“I know. But I just wanted to thank you.”

“I see.” He smiled a little. He didn’t show much emotion on his face, but I could tell that he was smiling this time. “Oh, I almost forgot. Here.” All of a sudden, he handed me a package.

“What is it?”

“Open it up and find out.” I went ahead and opened it. A pretty hairpin was inside, the same one I stared at when we were walking around town.

“Louis, this is…!” I blurted out in shock.

“I noticed you looking at it.”

“I-I was, but…there’s no way that will look good on me.” It was cute and delicate—it definitely wouldn’t suit me. I was a girl who had just gotten excited over a weapons shop.

“Sure it will,” he said and tucked it into my hair. “Yep. It looks great on you.”

I lifted my sword and shook the crimson blood off the tip. I then moved to wait near the door. It didn’t take long for two other men to show up. I could hear their footsteps drawing nearer. I killed the first one before he even made it through the door. And while the other one was in shock seeing his comrade’s sudden death, I finished him off too. They both landed on the floor with a thud. I made sure they were both dead and then dragged the bodies next to the entrance. It would be hard for me to fight multiple people at once if they came in. This wasn’t a very large room to begin with. If a group of attackers split up, it would be hard for me to respond to all of them in time.

But I was sure that they’d freeze when they saw the bodies piled up by the door, so I had to use that to my advantage. The commotion outside was growing louder. The soldiers were getting closer. I could feel more kidnappers nearing our room too. This time, it was another pair. I did the same thing as last time and killed the first one before he got in the room. The second one was about to swing his sword, but I crouched down and then used my momentum to leap backward. The tip of his sword grazed my clothes and ripped them.

The kidnapper looked dazed for a moment but then smiled. “I thought I got you, but you’re pretty clever, aren’t you?”

“Yes, I am.” I stared at him, a cold sweat running down my back. He was strong, much stronger than the other three, and I couldn’t immediately see an opening in his technique for me to exploit.

He moved first. I silently cursed his swift, accurate swordsmanship but parried each strike.

Clang, clang, clang! The sound of our swords striking each other rang out in the room. I slightly shifted my center of gravity. The man predicted my next movement and swung his sword again. I dodged it and put distance between us. Having a strong enemy put me at a disadvantage, so why was I so thrilled about it? Why did I feel like it was fun when my life was endangered?

“Hey, why are you glaring at me like that?” The man muttered, but I didn’t hear him.

Don’t let an opportunity slip. Predict his movements.

The next moment, I closed in on him. He reacted to my movements and swung his sword upward. I dodged it, and he swung his sword even harder. I dodged it again, but he completely lost his balance. I wasn’t going to let that opportunity slip. I took a step forward and swung my blade again. I felt a slight resistance, and then there was a crimson splatter. The man collapsed.

“Good thing there weren’t two of you.” Because if there had been, it would’ve been hard for me to protect the girls. I plunged my sword into his heart, killing him. I pulled it out, and he started bleeding even more.

It wasn’t over yet, though. I quietly tried to listen for other enemies, and once again I heard footsteps approaching. They finally came inside, but I was relieved when I saw they were the familiar faces of soldiers.

“Sorry we took so long, Mer! You okay?!”

“Yes, I made it. Is the place secure now?”

“Yep. Thanks to you, we were able to fight without reserve. Thank you!”

“I’m glad to hear it. Can you help me move these things out of here?” I pointed to the barricade. For a moment the men seemed surprised but then chuckled and started helping me. I also asked some guards to move the bodies out of the room so the girls wouldn’t see.

“Everyone! The army is here to save you! Are you all okay?” I said, stepping in front of the soldiers. I thought it was better if I stepped forward since I was the one who had told them everything.

Sharia looked like she was about to cry in response to my question—or actually, she looked like she was about to cry the moment she saw me. “We’re fine because you protected us! Are you hurt?”

“No, I’m fine.” So that’s why… I thought. I smiled knowing she had just been worried about me.

“Thank you so much for protecting us. We’re all safe. We couldn’t possibly thank you enough.” She said as she walked over toward me.

“No, you’ll get dirty!” I held up a hand, remembering I was covered in blood. But she shook her head and hugged me anyway.

“How can we ever thank you for doing that for us? Thank you so much!” she said.

For some reason I had tears in my eyes too.

“We should get going…” One of the soldiers piped up hesitantly. Sharia slowly stepped away from me. After that, the soldiers and I escorted all the girls home safe and sound.

 

***

 

“It’s been a while.”

I was looking out from the top of the tower when Louis showed up. My heart pounded seeing him again. I didn’t come to my favorite spot every day, but I did go there quite often when I was in the capital. However, it had been a few months since I saw Louis last. I felt like he’d grown taller since the last time I saw him.

“Louis!”

“Did something good happen?” He asked me suddenly, and I gave him a puzzled look. “Are you sure? Because it looks like it.”

“Is it that obvious?”

Louis smiled at me. I relented and then continued. “I saved a girl recently. I can’t tell you the details, but it really made me feel like everything I’ve done until now hasn’t been a waste. It was meaningful. And it really made me happy.”

I once walked through the darkness, but now I was on a different path. I think sometimes life is just like that. You never know what will happen, or what’s waiting for you, even right up to the point when it happens. You also can’t change what’s already happened.

That’s probably why people regret things and think that they should have done this or that. Everyone was walking through their own darkness, but there were little lights to guide them through, like dreams and aspirations. That was also what made me feel anxious sometimes. I wondered if I was going down the right path or if everything I’d done so far was worth it. It wasn’t a path I’d gone down half-heartedly. It was one covered with blood, but I went down it anyway. Even if I was given a chance to do it all over again, I don’t think I would choose differently.

Still, it was an amazing feeling to have validation from someone else, and to have saved them from the frightening feeling of grief. I felt that from the bottom of my heart. I think the reason I cried that day was because I was relieved as well.

“I see. Well, I’m happy for you.”

“I’m happy too.” I smiled back at him before looking back outside.

Louis stood next to me, admiring the view. Suddenly I glanced over and stared at him. He had a soft, relieved expression on his face. A poetic thought crossed my mind, and I wondered what the world looked like through those deep blue eyes of his. After I watched him for a while, I felt a little concerned. “Are you tired, Louis?”

“Why are you asking me that all of a sudden?”

“You just look pale,” I said hesitantly.

For a moment, he was speechless, and then he sat on the ground. “Oh… Well, I guess I am. I haven’t been sleeping well lately.”

“What? So why are you here, then? Shouldn’t you be sleeping? Go home and go to bed! You’re going to get sick!” I replied frantically.

He chuckled. “I just feel like I never have enough time.”

“What do you mean?”

“That’s just how much work I have to do. It’s probably mostly my imagination, because I’m trying so hard to follow in my father’s footsteps. I want to make sure I am a good successor for him. But the more I chase after him, the more inadequate I feel compared to him,” he said as he gazed absently out in the distance. “I’m just not enough. I don’t have enough knowledge or experience or creativity. But most of all, I don’t have enough talent. I feel like I have to study way more to fill in all those gaps.”

I suddenly remembered back to when I wanted to beat Father so bad in a sparring match. I had felt the same way. I was lacking something, and I kept searching for whatever it was to make up for it.

“If I don’t have enough talent, then I just need to keep learning in order to compensate for that. Time is limited. I need to do as much as I can before it’s time for me to succeed Father. And when I think of it that way, it just feels like there’s not enough time.”

“I know it might be hard for you to believe, but I understand how you feel. When I was first learning how to fight, I felt over and over again that I was lacking something and I had to make up for it. I was a girl learning how to use a sword, after all.”

He smiled a bit.

“But what’s driving you so much? Time is limited, of course, but there’s plenty of time before you and I become adults. Maybe I don’t understand, because I’m not going to be the one succeeding my father, but…”

“No, you’re right. The reason I’m panicking is just because I’m putting that pressure on myself. But I also need to be who I am. If I let myself break, I’ll get swept up in it and I won’t be able to give my full effort. Then I feel like I’ll never be good enough, and I’ll forever be hiding in Father’s shadow. And even when I was in a position to support the kingdom, I always thought, ‘Father would’ve done this better.’ I’m afraid of that. That’s the one thing I don’t want. I don’t want to have regrets, or wish I would’ve worked harder, or been more serious.”

I knew I’d never forget when he told me about his dreams up here in the tower that day. The memory was deeply rooted inside of me now. I wondered how much he’d struggled to get to this point and how many roadblocks had stood in his way. Maybe the shadow of his father was too great for him, even if his father didn’t mean for that to be the case.

“That’s your first battle.”

“You’re right.”

“But that’s exactly why you need to go home and sleep. You won’t be able to do any of that if you collapse from exhaustion.”

“Yeah, I know…” He trailed off and looked out in the distance. “‘There are some moments people want to go home to,’” he said abstractly.

I gave him a puzzled look.

“My mom said that. For example, sitting around the table for family meals. Or spending time with your friends. The sunset you see on the way home when you’re done playing. Little everyday moments like that seem so much more special and heartwarming when you become an adult.” The setting sun had cast an orange glow over the city, and his soft voice drifted out over it and disappeared. I absently thought how beautiful and sad it was at the same time. “She said that moments like those accumulate and make you stronger when you become an adult. No matter how harsh you realize the world is once you grow up, you look back on those moments and remember that the world is beautiful. Basically, what she was trying to tell me was that I should make the most out of my childhood.”

“I think that’s lovely.”

“Me too.”

“But if you keep it up, you’re still gonna collapse and not be able to enjoy any of it.”

“I know, already!” he said with a dry laugh. “It just feels like sleeping is such a waste. I don’t want to blame it on what my mom said, but every time I get this busy, I think about those words. Because right now, this is the moment I want to go home to.”

“Ha ha. I think I understand.”

“Especially since I know that when I come here, I get to see you.” His words caught me off guard, and I could feel heat rising to my cheeks.

How cowardly, I thought. I hoped he blamed it on the color from the setting sun. “I’m honored,” I said, turning my gaze away and looking out over the city. “I want to go into town with you again. And do lots of things we can only do while we’re still children,” I said after my cheeks didn’t feel as hot anymore.

“Yeah,” he replied with a smile.

 

***

 

A few days later, I went to visit Madame in town alone again. I went before her restaurant opened so that the other ladies would be busy getting ready. I was sure they would never shut up once they learned what I was going to tell Madame, anyway.

Ever since the kidnapping incident, I was no longer under strict surveillance to make sure I didn’t go out to town, so I just quietly went anyway.

“Hello, Madame.”

I walked in and saw several ladies busy getting ready. Madame was intently focused on some kind of ledger book. “Oh, Mer! Welcome! It’s been a long time since I saw you last.” She looked up and smiled brightly at me. Her smile was so beautiful I couldn’t help but give her one in return. “What brings you here today? Are you going to tell us another romantic story?”

“No. There’s something I want to give you.” I grinned and handed her a bottle of House Anderson’s famous mead. I had bought it when I went home to the march with my brother. House Anderson was most well known for its armor and weapons because the march was rich in iron and steel, but I didn’t have the budget to buy anything like that as a gift. Plus, what would Madame do with a shield or a sword anyway? That was why I bought the mead instead. I had also heard that it was quite popular with women.

“Oh my! Is this the famous Anderson mead? Thank you so much.” She accepted it with a soft smile. “We’ll all enjoy this bottle together.”

“Please do so!” A grin spread across my face. I was so happy to hear she liked it.

Madame reached out and caressed my hair. “When did you go to the march?” she asked in a calm tone of voice.

“Recently, when the young master returned.”

“Oh, I see, you went with one of the Andersons. You must’ve felt safe on the journey, then.”

“No, I went there alone.”

“Pardon?”

“Hm?”

Madame gave me a blank stare, which was quite unusual for her. I was puzzled.

“H-hang on a minute. You traveled all the way to the Anderson march by yourself?”

“Yes. I met up with the others on the last day, though.”

“On the last day…! That doesn’t change much. Why, that’s so dangerous! There are wild animals and bandits along that road!”

“Don’t worry, Madame. I’m strong enough to protect myself.”

Madame let out a deep sigh. “Well, I know you must be quite strong if they’ve recognized your talents. But you’re just a little girl, Mer!” She said and suddenly threw her arms around me. “I’m so glad you’re safe!”

Her concern made me smile.

“We are most definitely going to cherish this bottle of mead as we drink it together.”

“Hee hee. That makes me happy.”

“Madame! That’s not fair! Let us thank her too!” The ladies must’ve finished getting ready because they rushed over and all took turns hugging me and thanking me. I had a wonderful time chatting with them all, but before long, it was time for the shop to open.

“I’ll see you later, Madame. Excuse me.”

“Come again anytime, Mer.”

I was just leaving the establishment when I heard a familiar voice. “Hm? Why, it’s Mer!”

“Hey, it is! Fancy meeting you here, Mer!”

I turned and saw Kreuz and the other soldiers.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you all here. Where are you going?”

“Madame’s place, of course. Wait, isn’t that where…?”

Please don’t finish that sentence, I gestured wildly for him to stop talking. But it was too late. They all put two and two together.

“Hey, that’s not fair, Mer! You beat us to the punch!”

And just as I expected, all the soldiers began raising a fuss. Beat you to what? I thought with a sigh.

“Mer’s our friend, so she gets special treatment.” Madame emerged from the shop with a charming smile on her face and hugged me from behind. That just riled up the soldiers even more. Madame, why are you egging them on? Well, it’s too late now. I had to let out a resigned laugh.

“Calm down, everyone. We’ll just have to beat her at her own game and show her how strong men can be!” Kreuz tried to smooth things over, and everyone went silent.

“Ugh…”

“Kreuz, I don’t think I can…”

“Beat Mer? I’d rather go hunting for a giant flesh-eating monster!”

Everyone immediately hung their heads in defeat. It was honestly adorable, really. Although I wondered what exactly they thought about me if they’d rather face off against a giant flesh-eating monster.

“Now, now, what a pathetic group of grown men!” Madame said bluntly, much to the men’s misfortune. It seems that we didn’t have the same opinion of what was adorable. I thought this would depress them even more, but for some reason I saw a renewed fighting spirit gleaming in their eyes.

“That’s right… We’re men! There’s no fight we’ll run away from!”

“Y-yeah! We can’t lose! I’m gonna win and prove that I’m a strong man! Lurulia! Will you go out on a date with me if I beat Mer?!”

“We can’t let Mer beat us forever! We’re men too, after all!”

“I think you mean ‘We’re men, after all’, not ‘We’re men too.’ I’m a girl, you know.” I muttered, but no one reacted. Oh, well… I thought with a sigh.

That competitive spirit continued to sparkle in their eyes as they looked my way, but I felt like that was a good thing for me. “Well, if that’s how you feel, then I suppose we should settle this in the sparring ring next time!”

“Bring it on!” They shouted in unison. I had to smirk in response. I couldn’t wait for our next matches. My heart was racing with excitement as I thought about their renewed sense of enthusiasm.

“All right, all right. Calm down and go inside,” Kreuz said, clapping his hands. The sound of it seemed to cut right through the mood in the air. “You coming, Mer?”

“Can I?”

“Of course you can. You’re already here, aren’t ya? Come on and have fun with us.”

“Okay!” I happily accepted Kreuz’s invitation and followed.

“Oh, please. You’re just using poor Mer here as fodder to fire us up!”

“Anything to get you more enthusiastic for training.”

I was so excited I didn’t even hear that last exchange as I trotted into Madame’s establishment.

 

***

 

I looked around at the soldiers who were covered in just as much sweat as I was, but none of them were smiling. Today, the knights were here training with us, and there was an incredibly tense atmosphere in the air.

“I’m looking forward to training with you, General Gazell.”

“Mm, likewise.” One of the higher-ranking knights spoke on their behalf as they greeted my father. However, contrary to what the knight said, none of them looked particularly thrilled to be here training with the soldiers. The air was rife with tension.

The knights standing behind their representative were practically staring daggers at me. The soldiers might finally be used to me, but I’m sure the knights felt both uncomfortable and baffled to be sparring in the same place as a little girl.

Once the introductions were over, our training began. Practice swings came up first. Everyone quietly finished the exercises. Father would occasionally weave his way between us and offer corrections. Afterward, we started sparring matches like usual. We paired up, soldiers versus knights. I stood with the soldiers to wait my turn.

“Next! Mer and Donalti!”

I heard my name being called, along with another familiar name. I looked out toward the ring and there he was—the man who had beat me before.

Now things were getting interesting. My blood sang with excitement—the time had finally come to test myself and see how strong I had become.

“Please wait, General!” Donalti yelled for some reason, spoiling the mood.

“What is it, Donalti?”

“Why must I spar with a child? This is a waste of time for me!”

“You’re not satisfied with having Mer as your opponent?” My father’s voice lowered an octave. Donalti’s mouth closed shut—he was clearly intimidated…but the moment passed, and he got back his nerve.

“No, I’m not satisfied. She’s a commoner, and a girl! I don’t care how much you favor her. I have absolutely nothing to gain by sparring with someone so weak!”

“You heard what he said, Mer. What will you do?”

My heart felt surprisingly calm even after hearing that. I didn’t blame him. He’d beaten the pants off me last time, and I’m sure it wasn’t very satisfying for him. No matter what I said, it wouldn’t change that fact. There was nothing I could say to counter it. “I think words won’t be enough.” The only thing that would shut him up was showing him my true power.

My father smiled at my response. “You heard her, Donalti. How about this—you beat Mer and then you can spar with another opponent.”

“I’ll hold you to that, General.” Donalti looked dissatisfied but reluctantly agreed. He then sized me up with eyes full of scorn, and for some reason it made me laugh. The other knights around us were looking at me in the same way. Some people might cry and run away if they were surrounded by hostile enemies like that, but instead I found it so enjoyable I could hardly stand it.

It was the same thing I’d felt when the soldiers had looked at me with that fighting spirit gleaming in their eyes. I was hungry for this feeling. It was like that tense exhilaration you get while walking on thin ice. It was a greedy feeling, wondering how you could make the enemy submit to you.

I smiled and picked up my sword, but that hunger disappeared immediately. When I held my weapon in my hands, everything else became unimportant. I pushed away any lingering feelings and thoughts and focused only on appraising my opponent.

My vision and mind were crystal clear as I concentrated on the battle.

The instructor called the match to start. I took a step forward and froze. I let my body sway like the leaves rustling on a tree branch in the wind. I needed to be ready to respond to anything my opponent did. The longer the painful silence carried on, the more in tune my body became with the match, and my feelings and thoughts sank deeper into my consciousness.

All I saw was Donalti in front of me. I handled his attacks deftly. He would swing his sword in all directions, sometimes trying to fake me out. I calmly dealt with all of it, waiting for an opportunity to arise. I don’t know if it was because he wasn’t taking me seriously or if he was always like this, but his movements were sloppy. They were fast and powerful, to be sure, and perhaps that was what had gotten him this far in the first place.

I analyzed his movements in the corner of my mind, and the moment I saw a chance to strike, I took it. Every time our swords collided, he was thrown off balance more and more. At long last, I knocked the sword out of his grip and jabbed the tip of mine toward his neck.

“The winner is…Mer!!” The instructor called out my name in a clear voice. All the knights looked stunned.

“There must be some kind of mistake!!! Yeah… I was just holding back! If I fight her again, I’ll certainly win,” he insisted. I heard sighs of relief from the knights, and it seemed like they agreed with him.

Conversely, the soldiers from the army were snickering at him.

“Hm, all right, then. Go ahead and fight her again.” My father’s voice was cold and intimidating. It was as if he were saying, “Don’t think there’ll be a next time.” Every person here knew that he was deadly serious, because that was one of my father’s teachings. Never assume there will be a next time, because in a battle, you either die or you’re victorious. Only a fool trains expecting there to be a next time. And never think that you can’t possibly win. Fear death. Fear death but also prepare for it to belong to you. My father had drilled all of this into our heads.

But apparently Donalti didn’t know that. He picked up his sword and triumphantly readied it. Meanwhile, I sharpened my senses once more, so I was ready to spring into action at the instructor’s signal.

“Begin!” His voice rang out, and I was the first to move. It felt like my entire body subconsciously jolted to take advantage of his carelessness and attack him in his unguarded moments.

“What…?” Donalti said, dumbfounded. It felt like his voice was very far away.

But it didn’t matter. It didn’t even register to me. It was like my consciousness had a thick wall built up around itself to separate it from the outside world. All I had to do was focus on analyzing my opponent’s movements.

While I had him off guard, I swung my sword upward and knocked his out of his hands. I then swung my sword back down, placing it against his neck. It felt like it was meant to be there, like this outcome was predetermined. The match had lasted mere seconds, and everyone watching was absolutely stunned.

“…The winner is Mer!” The instructor said after a pause, his voice severe. It snapped everyone back to reality. The sounds of the world came rushing back to me. I heard the cheers of the soldiers and the complete bafflement of the knights. It was difficult to separate out one group from the other because they all came at me at once, washing over me like a huge wave.

Personally, it didn’t make much of an impression to me, that I had just beaten the person I never wanted to lose to again, who I had vowed to beat the next time we faced off.

Instead, I mentally reviewed the match and critiqued my actions, thinking, I should have done this instead, or that wasn’t a bad move.

“Again…!” Donalti finally snapped back to reality himself and yelled, climbing to his feet. The sound of his voice interrupted my train of thought. Cheers of agreement went out through the group of knights, and the soldiers all started to object. I could tell this was an explosive situation.

My father’s voice rang out, interrupting Donalti. “Asking for another chance isn’t something you should do lightly. Would you do the same thing on the battlefield, on the verge of life and death?” My father asked calmly, and Donalti was speechless for a moment.

“Well…”

“You’re full of yourself. You think you’re so strong. But on the battlefield, there are no strong warriors; the only strong warriors are the ones who win, and the ones who survive.” The crowd went silent. “Training isn’t training when you get used to letting your guard down. That carelessness puts your comrades in danger too. People’s bodies are fragile. Accidents can happen, even during practice, so you shouldn’t come into it with such a lighthearted attitude that you think there’s gonna be a next time. Because that right there is how accidents happen.” As my father spoke, Donalti turned his face downward. “I’ll say it again. Asking for another chance isn’t something you should do lightly. No matter how many times you spar with her, you won’t win. Go cool off your head,” my father finished sharply. Donalti didn’t say another word.

Cheers and words of agreement went up from the soldiers, and the knights all objected. I thought my father would be irritated by the hostile atmosphere, and he certainly was angry. He yelled out, his voice dripping with malice. “I’m not just talking to Donalti! I’m talking to all of you!”

Every single person went silent.

“Why the hell are you training? Don’t underestimate others! Don’t be satisfied, either! Be hungry! Be humble! If you forget those things, then you’re nothing more than one of those bandits on the street! It doesn’t matter who your family is or where you came from. You’re learning how to kill people. And that means you must be more disciplined than anyone else. You have to continue honing your skills. Going out on the battlefield without the respect of others and without anyone relying on you is the same thing as fighting alone! Don’t forget that every single person here has an equal chance of dying out on the battlefield! And if you still wish to go down this path, then don’t rely on words! Prove yourself with your actions! That’s all I have to say. Carry on.”

My father’s words struck down like lightning bolts from the heavens. No one moved a muscle. They all just stared at him, completely stunned. Finally, the instructor hesitantly called the next match, and training resumed. The mood in the air was even more tense than before. Everyone’s fighting spirits were roiling, and knights and soldiers alike wore serious looks on their faces.

Once it was over, I picked up my practice sword and walked over to the water fountain so I could wet a cloth and wipe my face down. Unfortunately, I ran into three lower-ranking knights on the way there, Donalti being one of them. Even though there weren’t many of them, that still didn’t change the fact that I had a bad feeling about this, especially since he was there. I had a hunch that there was going to be trouble, so I tried to turn around.

“It’s all your fault…!” A trembling voice, dripping with hatred, was directed at me. Since I had just heard that same voice earlier today, there was no way I could’ve forgotten it. I knew exactly who of the three it belonged to.

“Hey.” One of the others tried to dissuade him, but there was no stopping him now.

“It’s all your fault! My reputation is completely ruined!”

I felt his hostile, violent aura and I knew I was in danger, so I made sure I could pull out my sword at any time. He was trying to get at me, but the other two were holding him back.

“Knock it off, Donalti!”

“Let me go!” He glared at me, only getting angrier because he couldn’t get to me.

“Don’t blame me. This is a result of you underestimating me during our matches. It’s just like the general said. You weren’t putting your all into training, and it came back to bite you in the end.” As I spoke, I realized that was why I couldn’t be genuinely happy that I’d beaten him. Once, I was excited to fight him. I hadn’t intended on losing, but I’d learned from my match with him. But today, I didn’t feel a thing. Perhaps since time had passed, my memory of him painted him out to be stronger than he really was. Maybe what had excited me back then was that he moved like someone who wasn’t serious about his training.

And at the same time, I thought it was a shame. I had expected that he’d gotten stronger.

“…!” He flailed around when he heard what I said. The other two frantically tried to hold him back at this point. “You’re nothing but a girl! What’s the point of you training at all?!” He continued screaming at me. I realized my words had only added fuel to the fire, but honestly, that was his own fault. “It’s just playtime to you! You’re nothing but an eyesore!”

“It’s not playtime to me. Once my job as bodyguard and body double is finished, I’m going to join the army and use my talents to protect everyone. I would never train with anything less than a serious attitude,” I replied, but for some reason Donalti started laughing. It was sadistic and filled with so much derision it was making me angry. I was so uncomfortable that I started walking again.

“Ha ha ha. That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard! You think you’re gonna join the army?! Women aren’t even allowed in the army! What the hell are you dreaming about?!” He spat, and I stopped in my tracks.

Not allowed to join the army? What in the world was he talking about?

“You’re wasting your time on something that’ll never happen! And it’s all your fault that my reputation is ruined! You’ve gotta be kidding me! You’re just an eyesore! Don’t you dare ever step foot in General Gazell’s training area again!” He screamed at me as the two knights dragged him away.

I stood there in shock watching them leave. What did he just say? He’s lying. It’s a lie. He’s lying! Kreuz knew about my dream and was encouraging me! Surely, Donalti was just saying that to provoke me! It couldn’t be true…but if it was, why was I continuing to train? I tried to come up with an answer, but I couldn’t get my doubts out of my head. I ran around, searching for Kreuz in order to clear things up.

“Hey, Mer. What’s wrong? Why are you in such a hurry?”

I finally found Kreuz in the corner of the sparring grounds.

“Oof!” And as soon as I did, I pounced on him. “Wh-what’s going on? What’s got you so worked—”

“It’s a lie, isn’t it?!” I screamed, interrupting him. “It’s a lie that women can’t join the army, right? You encouraged my dream, didn’t you?!” The easygoing look on his face had vanished, replaced with a very painful look.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized, and I immediately knew. Donalti was telling the truth.

“Why?!”

“You sacrificed everything for your revenge, but then you finally became positive and hopeful. I didn’t have the heart to tell you it would never happen. I just wanted you to look toward the future again. I knew I should have told you the truth sooner, but I was afraid. I couldn’t do it.”

No! That’s not what I want to hear!

“Why? Why can’t a woman join the army?!”

He didn’t answer me. Or maybe there is no answer. I looked at the sorrowful, remorseful look on his face, but I didn’t have the presence of mind to accept it right now.

“Ah, Mer!” I heard him yell after me as I ran toward the town.

 

***

 

I could barely see in front of me through my tears, but I knew this road like the back of my hand so it was all right. I ran and ran and ran. I finally arrived at a familiar spot—the tower. Now that I thought about it, I always seemed to come here when I was going through a rough time. It was the first place I thought of when faced with something painful. I ran up the stairs toward the top, where you could look out over the whole city. As soon as I got there, I looked for him.

But he—Louis—wasn’t there.

Of course he wouldn’t be here just by coincidence. I was about to slump right onto the ground, but…

“Oh, hi, Merry. It’s been a while since I saw you last.”

I whirled around.

“Louis…”

He was surprised when he saw my face.

“What’s wrong, Merry?”

I didn’t answer. I couldn’t answer. I staggered over, threw my arms around him, and started to sob. He didn’t ask me anything else. He just quietly held me while I cried. I wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but I cried and cried until I just couldn’t cry anymore. My tears seemed to have washed away all the dark feelings inside of me, all the anger and the pain, and I felt surprisingly calm.

But now my heart was racing for a different reason. I’d given into my emotions and hugged him. Now I was feeling bashful and couldn’t even look at him.