Table of Contents

Color Gallery

Table of Contents Page

Copyrights and Credits

Title Page

Moored Ship

The Clear Sea

Setting Sail

The Stars Waver

Afterword

Newsletter

Moored Ship

 

“I PROCESS THINGS QUICKLY,” she said.

The face that stared back at me wore a slightly different expression from the pleasant smile I’d grown accustomed to seeing. Something glossy, like droplets of water, inched down her obviously blushing cheeks.

“Process?” I asked, holding back the slight bewilderment that crept over me.

“That’s right. I guess you could say I’m practical or that I don’t lose sleep over things I can’t control.”

A shadow came over her face again. It was as though the sun had set, and something dark was reaching out from afar.

“I’m never angry or sad for long. I can’t do it, even if I try. It hurts when your feelings don’t mesh with someone else’s and things don’t go over well. It hurts, a lot. But it’s like my heart dries up fast. It’s the same for anger—I can’t be angry at a person for more than thirty minutes.”

I supposed thirty minutes really wasn’t very long. Personally, I could stay angry for a whole year, or even two.

“I feel like morning turns to night faster for me than other people,” she continued. “Plus, people keep telling me that I walk too fast.”

“I don’t know if that one’s connected…”

She might simply be an impatient person. Still, I did envy how quickly she could switch gears. I was the kind of person who lingered and drew things out, which created the best conditions for regrets.

There wasn’t even a table between us; we were very, very close. Close enough that, had she sunk down slightly, we would have practically been on top of each other. Close enough that I could swear I heard the creaking of her bones as she placed a hand on the floor.

“That’s why, even though my eyes were following someone else a little while ago, they’re only looking at you now, Sayaka-senpai.”

Sure enough, her chestnut eyes were fixed on me directly. I did my best not to react to what had practically been a confession of love. Since I was the older one—her upperclassman—I felt a certain degree of pride and stubbornness, as though I had to make sure I wasn’t the one who gave in first.

“That’s what you’d call being on the verge of love,” I said. I’d felt it before, and knew what it was, though it felt a little arrogant to say so when I was the apparent object of such affections.

“Well, I guess that might be what it ends up being. But that’s just, I dunno…so blunt.”

This close, it was difficult to avoid her gaze. Every time we spoke, the passion in our voices rose, and I felt it getting harder to breathe.

“Well, I just can’t help it. You’re just so amazingly…amazing to me.”

That vocabulary was enough to make me worry about her grades. Maybe this was proof I shouldn’t be getting involved with an underclassman?

“If I had to say what I like best about you, uh, it’d be your face,” she continued. “Your face is just the best.” Suddenly bashful, she closed her eyes, as though trying to conceal how her nose was turning red.

“Thanks…” I had to admit her fidgeting was adorable. “I can understand that.”

Appearances may not be everything, but they’re important. I considered it more sincere to compliment a person’s appearance when you didn’t know them very well, rather than pretend to know their inner thoughts.

In return, I evaluated her with the same sincerity she’d given me. She was looking straight at me, head-on. She always had, since the moment we first met. I appreciated that for the privilege it was, but there was something I was wondering about.

“When you said that your emotions don’t last long—does that include things you enjoy?”

And does that include when you love someone?

“It might.” Was the hint of loneliness in her mellow voice because she had an inkling of what might be to come? The shadow over her face deepened. “And since it might not last long, I thought I should say it now.”

In that moment, it was like she became my shadow itself. If we were stars, we would have drawn too close—close enough that both of us might be destroyed. There was a fervor layered over her face and voice that I had never seen in her before.

“Because, right now, I’ve fallen for you,” she said.

 

And so, it was partway through my second year in college that a girl confessed her love to me.

How long had it been since I last had such an encounter?

The Clear Sea

 

>>I’VE BEEN JUMPING and hopping around lately.<<

 

>Seems good for your health.<

 

>>I hurt all over… But it’s fun. I kind of feel like it’s a luxury that I have an opportunity to become someone other than myself.<<

 

>Actors sure are something. I don’t think I could ever do that—become someone else, I mean. Not unless something drastic happened.<

 

>>But you’ve been on stage, too, Sayaka.<<

 

>That was…just me. I felt like I was starring in the play as myself.<

 

>>If you could pull off the role like that, that’s impressive in its own way. I’d like to do something like that again someday.<<

 

>Right. Someday.<

 

>>Yeah, someday.<<

 

I was a second year, and she was a first year. I don’t say this as a point of pride, just to explain why, when our eyes met, she gave me a nod but still kept her distance. Tracking my gaze, the friend sitting across from me asked, “Sayaka, is she a friend of yours?”

“Yes. She’s a first year, though.”

“Aw, she could have just come over anyway… Well, okay, maybe not.” My friend changed her mind mid-sentence, probably remembering her own days as a first year. It was harder to guess everyone’s ages without uniforms to mark their grades, and as a first year, everyone around you looked older. You felt out of place no matter where you went on campus.

“Next time we see her try to run off, let’s catch her.”

“Catch her?” I gave a strained smile. My friend’s uninhibited manner reminded me of someone from my high school days.

“Erm, what’s her name?”

“Edamoto-san.”

Edamoto Haru. I had yet to call my college underclassman by her first name.

Spring was scorching, the air shifting to a faint ochre color. Though our table at the open café sat under the shade of a parasol, it was still hot. The shadows of the pedestrians flowing past us were lengthening. I watched those shadows overlap for a while as the silence stretched and my friend’s eyelids grew heavy.

“I’m sleepy,” she grumbled lazily. She slumped down as if she had no intention of attempting to revive herself. “I really just shouldn’t eat lunch. It makes it impossible to function after.”

“But going hungry would make it hard to function, too,” I said.

My friend pinched the end of her straw, unneeded now that she’d finished her drink. “I guess. It’s a lose-lose situation.”

“That’s too bad.”

“I give up. I’m going home.” My friend pushed off the table to stand up, suddenly energetic, as though she’d forgotten all about being tired.

“What about class?” I asked.

“It’ll be fine. Skipping once isn’t so bad.”

“This is your third time.”

“If you don’t add them all up, it’s just three separate ones.”

I rolled my eyes at this illogical attempt to justify herself. Well, it didn’t affect me, so I supposed I didn’t care. My past self probably wouldn’t have forgiven others for being so flippant. I wasn’t sure whether I’d become more accepting or just too lenient.

We left the protection of the parasol, the sun beating down upon our heads. The summer of my twentieth year awaited me under that intense sunlight. At times, my high school days felt like a far-off dream, while other times it was like they had just happened yesterday.

I parted from my friend, who really was heading out through the main gate, and then blended into the flow of people going to the lecture building. When I looked at the sea of students and professors around me, each focused on their own goals and own thoughts, I felt strangely restless. I felt the world milling around me in the way one might be aware of the blood circulating throughout your body.

Someone once said that college is the best place to find something. That something could be your future career, future relationships, or even the truth of your own laziness…for better or worse. My friend, who fled from lectures, might have found something other than scholarship in college.

I hadn’t found anything concrete in my first year. What about my second? What might I find?

I looked to the skies, as though seeking something hidden beyond the dazzling light.

 

The next day, I happened to see Edamoto-san again in transit. My eyes met hers beyond the glass of a co-op store I passed, where she was standing before the register. In that moment, it was like the corners of her mouth and her tied-up hair both sprung up in greeting.

Still holding her wallet in her hand, she forcefully held up her palm toward me. Then, after looking around indecisively, she lowered the hand and the shopping basket it contained with a grunt. It seemed heavy. She was clearly in the middle of paying; why not just finish that up instead of getting so excited? The employee serving her seemed bewildered, too.

After Edamoto-san finished paying, chattering all the while, she rushed out of the store with such force that I feared she might drop her wallet, her purchases, and her bag all at once. There’s no need to rush, I thought automatically. As I silently waited for her to reach me, the sun passed behind the clouds. A strong wind ruffled the banner in front of the co-op, snapping it loud enough to reach my ears.

“It’s hard to signal someone that you want them to wait a sec, isn’t it?” she said awkwardly, with a bashful smile.

I couldn’t help smiling back at her. “It is. I didn’t understand in the least.”

“Aw, I knew it. Hmm, but you waited anyway, so I guess it’s fine.”

Edamoto-san put her wallet away and came up next to me, and we resumed walking in the same direction. I watched the way she walked: not with a stoop but with a slight pitch forward.

Edamoto Haru. A first-year college student, one year younger than me. She was petite, and her short ponytail would bounce charmingly like the tip of a brush when she walked. The corners of her eyes were slightly raised, like a cat’s—but when those eyes met mine, she would give me a cheerful smile, so she was much clearer and more forthright about intentions than any cat I’d even known.

When she faced forward, her ponytail and exposed ears gave her the sharp profile of a young boy, but when she turned toward you, her femininity was immediately apparent. It was both strange and novel to me to be around someone with such distinctly visual shifts in mood. She was always a touch too loud, and walked quickly, as though she hated to stop. She came to my side like this whenever she saw me, cheerfully, without a hint of hesitation.

“So, Edamoto-san…”

“You can call me Haru.”

“Edamoto-san.”

“You’re so stubborn.” Despite my evasion, her smile was untarnished. “So, what were you gonna say?”

“It seems like you’re following me. Don’t you have somewhere else to be?”

“I don’t have afternoon lectures today, so I’m headed where I want to go. Right over here!”

She smiled and pointed ahead. I suspected that if I had walked in the opposite direction, she would have found a destination that way instead.

“There’s a gate if we walk in this direction, too.”

“Yes, there is.”

“Though this is sort of a roundabout way to get back to my room.”

“To what room?”

“To my apartment. It just seemed confusing to call it my ‘house’.”

My eyes went round with surprise at that. “You live alone?”

“Yup. Since my parents’ house is pretty far away.”

Edamoto-san lifted up her co-op shopping bag. I could see a carton of milk through the thin plastic. We had headed home from campus together in the past, but when I thought about it, I realized that Edamoto-san had always parted ways with me before we reached the station.

“Sayaka-senpai, you commute from your parents’ place, right?”

“Yes.” I already had experience commuting to school by train in my junior high years, so I was used to it. Now that I thought about it, I’d never lived away from home. I was too used to a world where my family, cats, and a room with a familiar ceiling to look up at were ever-present. Just as a creature adapted to aquatic life couldn’t come up onto land, leaving that familiar world behind was beyond me.

For some reason, I found myself thinking of a close friend of mine, who had left home quite naturally and started walking her own path.

We walked between the trees and buildings, passing several lecture halls. I’d been here an entire year, but every face we passed was unfamiliar to me. Unlike high school, the relationships that formed in college spanned frameworks and categories. Just like how I was currently walking with an underclassman, a year younger than me, whom I’d met by chance.

It was news to me that Edamoto-san was living away from home. There was still so much I didn’t know about her. I hadn’t even asked her why she’d been crying when I first met her, nor had I seen her cry again since then. I felt some belated curiosity stir within me but got the sense this wasn’t a good time to bring it up.

“Is your apartment close by?” I asked.

“Of course. That’s why I selected it.”

True enough.

“Why don’t you come visit sometime, Sayaka-senpai? We can have tea and, umm…” Edamoto-san glanced at her shopping bag. “…I can offer you some bean sprouts.”

“That’s a pairing I’ve never tried before.” I attempted to picture myself eating bean sprouts between sips of tea, but my imagination wasn’t up to the task. “Someday.”

“Someday, huh,” Edamoto-san snorted out a soundless laugh. “I kind of feel like an adult just made me an empty promise.”

With that, she looked up at me as if she was rather amused.

Since my parents were the type of people who would never give promises they couldn’t make good on, I didn’t know how that felt.

We were just talking about hanging out for a bit at a friend’s house. I was probably taking it too seriously.

I knew that, but I still felt intimidated by the thought. Was it because of my inexperience or just my very nature? Going to visit another girl’s house held no small significance for the person named Saeki Sayaka.

It wasn’t as though I felt those sorts of emotions toward Edamoto-san, of course.

Still, if our relationship deepened… But how deep exactly does a friendship go? And should I really describe it as “deepening,” rather than “building up” a relationship?

After all, going deeper meant that you were sinking.

Once we got to the lecture hall that I had been heading toward, I parted ways with Edamoto-san.

Edamoto-san shifted her weight restlessly and shot me a sly smile.

“Although if you were a bad girl, I would just invite you to hang out right now, Sayaka-senpai.”

“A ‘bad girl’?” Bemused by the expression, I tried taking the opposite approach. “Why, do I look like a good girl?”

“Very much so.”

“You don’t have much of an eye for things, then.”

I meant that sincerely, but Edamoto-san seemed to take it as a joke and kept on smiling.

Right before going through the door, I turned around to find Edamoto-san waving at me wildly from a distance. I wondered what she would have done if I hadn’t turned around—it would have become a very sad affair.

“She’s an odd one…” I muttered, but waved my hand demurely at her.

Edamoto-san seemed satisfied to have gotten a response. She turned away and jogged towards the gate, her shopping bag theatrically bouncing along up and down with her. As I wondered whether she should be more concerned about that, I watched her until I could no longer see the movement of her ponytail.

Once I got into the second-floor lecture room, I took a seat near the center and exhaled.

Though it wasn’t to the point it was actually tiring, spending time with Edamoto-san felt like I was being drawn into leaping and jumping along with her. Her movements were always on the exaggerated side, and she seemed to be not only bursting with energy but full of too many emotions entirely. I had never dealt with a personality like hers before.

“Although, if I had to compare her to someone…”

An old face I’d nearly forgotten resurfaced in my mind as if I’d tugged on a thread.

Relationships were a mess of strange stimuli.

In the interval before the lecture started, I thought for a while about Edamoto-san and the past.

 

At the very least, it seemed that I wouldn’t forget her name or what she looked like.

 

>>Sayaka-senpai.<<
>>Are you at school right now?<<

 

>I am.<

>>Have you had lunch?<<
>>Do you have any plans?<<

 

>None in particular.<

>>Come eat with me!<<
>>Will you?<<

 

>Sure.<
>Are you also at school, Edamoto-san?<

 

>>You can call me Haru.<<

 

>Where should we meet?<
>Edamoto-san?<

 

>>Whoa, you’re like a steel wall.<<
>>Right, where to meet…<<
>>At mi casa.<<

 

>Umm.<
>You mean your place?<

 

>>Oh, not at the one that’s far away, of course.<<
>>At my apartment.<<

 

>Well, obviously…<

 

>>But I thought you said calling it your “house” would be confusing?<<
>>Well, yeah, but…<<
>>I thought that calling it mi casa instead of my apartment<<
>>would be softer and wouldn’t put you on your guard.<<

 

“Aha ha ha.”

A dry chuckle spilled from my lips as I held my phone. She was honest but also a bit cheeky.

Still, the word guard caught my attention a bit.

What did I need to be on my guard about if I was going for a quick visit to a underclassman’s house?

What is with this girl…? I unintentionally narrowed my eyes.

 

>What do you mean about being on guard?<
>Are you planning something devious?<

 

>>I don’t have the brains to plan anything.<<
>>It’s too bad I’m lacking in that regard.<<
>>I wonder what kinds of devious things you’d be capable of, Sayaka-senpai.<<

 

>Who knows…<
>So, at your apartment, then?<

 

>>Yep, yep.<<

 

>I see…<

 

>>My place is nice and cool.<<
>>Plus drinks are on the house.<<
>>And the food’s probably tasty.<<

 

>What are we eating?<

 

>>I haven’t thought of what yet, but…<<
>>I’m planning on making something.<<
>>That’s why it’s probably tasty.<<

 

>You’re making it yourself?<

 

>>I’m actually pretty experienced, yeah.<<
>>And you can call me Haru.<<
>>I like it—my own name, that is.<<

 

>I’ll think about it.<

 

>>Okay, I can’t wait.<<
>>Oh, which thing were you thinking over?<<
>>Lunch or my name?<<

 

>Both.<

 

>>Well, I hope you make a decision soon about lunch…<<
>>I’ll make something you want to eat.<<

 

>Right.<

 

>>…Right?<<

 

>Then I suppose I’ll take you up on that.<

>>Right!<<
>>Right, yeah, awesome!<<

 

>Try not to get too excited, hmm?<

 

>>I’m at my apartment right now, so I’ll head over to you!<<

 

>I’ll be waiting at the gate.<
>Please come get me.<

 

>>I’ll run over!<<
>>I’m running now!<<

 

>I’d rather not run, so please take your time.<

 

I put away my phone and stood up from my seat. While I was focused on our exchange, most of the other students had left the lecture room.

After I looked around the room feeling like an overlooked weed, I started walking at what I thought was a quick pace.

“She’s rather forward…”

This girl was pressing in on me. A sensation like a strong wave sweeping me away shook me to the core.

I wondered if she stepped into other people’s lives just as freely. Even if that was just her nature, I didn’t find it very admirable. Most people wouldn’t want someone to encroach on their space with so little restraint, in my opinion.

She must be prioritizing her own feelings over anyone else’s.

That might have been the reason she was crying that day.

Thinking back, the tears streaming down her cheeks were in huge droplets.

I’m sure they must have been drawing up tons of emotion as they fell.

And by showing up on the spot where those tears fell, I had unintentionally shook up Edamoto-san’s emotions quite a bit, it seemed.

“Edamoto-san’s apartment… I wonder if this was a good idea.”

She had invited me the week before and again today. In the end, I decided to go. There hadn’t been anything to deepen our bond in particular—I hadn’t even seen Edamoto-san’s face this week. Edamoto-san amounted to nothing more than a friend whom I’d just met at college, but somehow she was casually pushing her way into my life.

Although I had agreed, I still felt a bit reluctant. For one thing, I didn’t have much experience going to friends’ houses, and for another… I tried to continue with that thread, but even when I waited for the next part to come, I couldn’t seem to produce it on my own.

What exactly was I expecting from Edamoto-san?

When I left the lecture building, the heat weighed down on me. Summer had spread its wings and set our world ablaze with just a flutter or two. There was no gentleness in the heat wave that brushed my cheek.

The cicadas had yet to follow on the back of summer. Soon the college and all its trees, abundant in verdure, would be a cacophony of their cries no matter where one went. And the human commotion on campus was not to be outdone. As lunch break began, the students appeared all at once, as though flitting out from a hive. One person, two, three. Even if I followed them with my finger and eyes, I wouldn’t be able to keep up with them all.

These were all people whom I’m sure had lives not so different from my own college student experience.

As for the few individuals I met from among all these people…

Perhaps I should be more conscious of that and cherish those connections.

Breaking away from the crowd as it surged toward lunch, I went to the main gate, where I found Edamoto-san already standing next to the entrance. She noticed me and waved excitedly. That was childlike enough as it was, but when she used her entire body to give me an unrestrained reception, the passing students occasionally shot her strange glances. Eventually, she realized she was in the way and moved farther to the side, but she didn’t stop waving her hand. Just seeing how close it was to smacking into the wall gave me a shudder.

I hurried over to Edamoto-san. When I got closer, it appeared that she really had run over, considering how sweaty her palms were. Her bangs, too, had become disheveled and were sticking to her forehead.

“I’m sorry…for making you wait.”

“You don’t need to apologize like that. I ran over because I like to run.”

“You like to run, do you…?”

That was an unfamiliar feeling to me.

Come to think of it, I hadn’t had to run at all lately. It was as though I hadn’t had anything to hurry me.

Was that pleasant, or just boring…? It was probably up to each individual’s interpretation.

I suddenly recalled the relay practices for the athletic festival in high school. In retrospect, I couldn’t help laughing a little at how poorly I had worked with a certain someone.

“Okay, follow me.”

Edamoto-san merrily started moving. I was dragged along behind her, even though she hadn’t actually grabbed my hand.

On the way, my eyes met with the sea otter printed on Edamoto-san’s shirt… An otter?

The otter was looking straight out as it carefully cradled the shell in its paws. Maybe she liked otters.

“First, we cross here.”

We traversed across the road in front of the college. When Edamoto-san tried to cross the moment the signal turned green, I warned her, “It’s dangerous if you don’t look both ways first.”

It sounded like something an elementary school teacher would say.

“Oh, uh, sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize to me.”

It was plain to see that Edamoto-san was too giddy to pay attention to her surroundings. As for the reason for that, well, I supposed that was me.

I was a little troubled—her restlessness seemed like it could rub off on me.

Once we crossed the road and entered the shadow of a nearby building, I decided to speak to her. “So, Edamoto-san, you cook for yourself?”

“Yeah, I cooked even before I left home. It was just kind of fun.” Edamoto-san smiled, flashing her white teeth. “Do you not like domestic girls?”

“We’ll see. I have high expectations.”

As though in response, her gait widened. She didn’t seem to mind working up a sweat.

Edamoto-san’s apartment really was close to campus; we arrived in just under two minutes. Then again, that short time was also the result of me matching pace with Edamoto-san’s long, quick strides. The apartment building was lightly colored, from its khaki walls to its bluish-white roof, and its cramped bike parking area was piled high with bicycles. I wondered if Edamoto-san’s bike was among them.

I followed behind her as she went up the stairs on the side. Her place turned out to be the first apartment immediately after going up to the second floor. Edamoto-san stopped in front of the door and pulled a key out of her pocket. She put the key in, twisted it, and then likewise cocked her head to the side. After turning the key two or three times, she said, “Ohh, okay, I get it,” then opened the door.

“I forgot to lock it.”

“You didn’t need to leave in such a rush…”

“It’s fine, no problem. I love rushing.”

With that silly excuse, Edamoto-san beckoned me into the room. Being so overly welcoming is actually going to put me even more on my guard, I thought, half-joking. She was just having a friend over—a friend, nothing more.

“Pardon the intrusion.”

“Come on in. This is my first time inviting a friend over from college.”

This was my first time going over to a college friend’s house, too.

The moment I came in, the presence of Edamoto-san grew stronger. Most likely, it was due to the smell of her clothes and makeup, which I normally sensed only faintly. Obvious though this might be, the room was thick with Edamoto-san’s scent. It seemed to stand out against the scents of summer and was a bit refreshing as it slipped by my nose.

When I went through the entryway, I saw a toilet and a modular bathtub beyond the door to the right. In that dim interior, I saw my shadowy reflection in the bathroom mirror. Suddenly, I felt self-conscious about my overgrown hair that I had left uncut.

We passed by the bathroom and into a south-facing room with a bay window and good sun exposure. In other words, it was terribly hot.

“Your room is pretty warm.”

“I have the air conditioner on full blast, so if you’ll just wait a few more moments…”

Edamoto-san bowed jokingly and chuckled a little. Just as she said, the air conditioner set up next to her wall was running loudly, not unlike Edamoto-san herself when she rushed over to meet me.

Her room was tidy. To be more accurate, she didn’t have much to keep clean: just a small white table, a bed by the wall, and a lamp directly on the floor. Her clothes were folded up and set in a corner—she didn’t have a single shelf of any sort. Her college textbooks and bag were stuffed into what seemed to be a laundry basket.

“I don’t have any floor cushions, so you can sit on the bed. You can even lie down if you want.”

“I’m all right, thank you.”

I chose the carpet and sat down. After I set my bag down next to me, I breathed out slowly.

It was a curious feeling to leave the college and look up at the ceiling of another person’s apartment, even if it was lunch break. Normally, I just went to the cafeteria instead of going off campus to eat.

It felt almost as though I’d skipped out on school partway through the day… Maybe I hadn’t completely left behind the feeling of being a high school student. As I glanced around, feeling a bit anxious, I heard Edamoto-san laugh.

“There isn’t much to see here, is there?”

“I suppose. I can’t compare it to other apartments, but it does seem very neat and minimalistic.”

“Well, I figure there’s no point buying more things if I’m just gonna lose interest in them and leave them lying around.”

“Hmm…”

I thought of the novels I never reread on the bookshelf in my own room.

Edamoto-san took a green towel from the folded laundry pile at the far end of the room and wiped her forehead. As I gazed at her profile and mannerisms, I felt vaguely aware that we were alone together in her room. Since it wasn’t a house, there were no family members around, which was an unusual situation to me.

I wondered if the light blue wallpaper was an attempt at a consolatory reprieve from the inevitable heat. There was a thin curtain, but since it was mercilessly showered in the sunlight, it likely lost effectiveness quickly.

“The supermarket is close by, and there’s a home improvement store, too, so I think it’s a pretty good location. The modular bathtub is a little small, though.”

After wiping her face and neck with the towel, Edamoto-san turned toward me.

“So, Sayaka-senpai, what would you like to eat?”

“Right…”

I went into thought for a bit. My body wanted something cold, but I’d just had a variety of somen noodles at home yesterday. In that case… I tried to line up the prospective choices in my thoughts, but I couldn’t picture anything good.

“Nothing really comes to mind. I don’t have any particularly strong preferences.”

“That’s the most difficult answer you could give…”

Edamoto-san smiled awkwardly as she bent down, presumably to open the refrigerator door. Because there was a wall between us, I couldn’t see everything she was doing. But since her face was being showered with light, I thought that must be the case.

“Hm. Do you have any allergies or foods you can’t stand?”

“Neither, really.”

“Wow, you really don’t have any preferences, then. Oh dear…”

Edamoto-san’s ponytail wiggled fretfully. I didn’t know what ingredients she had in the first place, so it was difficult to request something. When I shifted to take a look, I saw that the refrigerator next to her sink was very compact.

Edamoto-san pulled out a bottle of tea and poured it in glasses she’d put out in advance.

“Well, how about some tea for now?”

“Thank you.”

“There’s no ice since I don’t have an ice maker, though.”

“This is plenty. You don’t have to fuss over me.”

The glass I accepted was so cold that it felt like I was touching the liquid inside it directly. With delicate ridges, the glass encapsulated many colors at its bottom, drawing in the light and glittering. It was a rainbow glass.

It was so pretty that instead of drinking out of it, I ended up examining it from other angles.

“Well, I’m going to fuss anyway. Lots and lots.”

Edamoto-san rejected my politesse, wagging her finger and shaking her head from side to side.

“I mean, if you don’t like my place, Sayaka-senpai, then you won’t come again.”

“Hm.”

It wasn’t as though I was guaranteed to come back even if I did like it, but her earnestness did make a good impression on me.

It also felt nice to be clearly aware that she was being kind specifically for my sake.

“So anyway, that’s pretty, right?”

She pointed at the glass. When I replied, “Very,” Edamoto-san smiled as though she were relieved.

“I won’t give it to you, but make sure you take a good look at it.”

“Don’t mind if I do.”

“And drink what’s inside it, too.”

“All right, all right.”

Edamoto-san returned to the front of the refrigerator. She pulled things out one at a time, scrutinizing each one and putting them back over and over.

“Then can I just make whatever?”

“I’ll leave it up to you.”

After putting the ball fully in her court, I finally drank some tea. I quenched my thirst and then closed my eyes. It became difficult to tell apart what was left and right. What a quiet room, I thought.

Unlike the college, there weren’t an abundance of trees close by, such that the cries of the cicadas might never reach here. The air conditioner had also calmed down from its blustery start-up. I peered into the corners of the room.

“So you don’t have a TV or a bookshelf.”

“I’m not really the reading type at all. And as long as I have my smartphone, I don’t really need a TV, either.”

Beneath the sound of Edamoto-san’s voice, I heard running water.

“Oh, sorry. Are you bored waiting for me?”

“No. I’m not bad at being patient.”

Although I wasn’t good at being patient, either. Perhaps I had never gone about waiting for things the right way before.

“I thought I might pass the time by talking with you, Edamoto-san.”

“Oh, sounds great.”

“But will you be all right talking while you work?”

“I’m fine, no problem. I normally talk to myself tons while I’m cooking.”

“…You should probably be careful about that.”

I could imagine Edamoto-san having a lively monologue alone in her room easily enough. At the same time, I pictured a chicken energetically moving around inside a pen.

“You seem like you read a ton of books, huh, Sayaka-senpai?”

I was fairly sure someone else had said that to me before. Perhaps that meant I gave off an intellectual impression.

“Well… I suppose you could say that.”

“Do you go to the school library a lot?”

“I go to the library…on occasion. But I mostly just read the newspapers.”

Edamoto-san didn’t reply; I wasn’t sure whether she could hear my voice over the clamorous sounds of cooking. Even though I had said I would talk to her, I didn’t want to be a distraction, so I tried to make sure I wasn’t initiating the conversation. Just as she had said, as she started cooking, she talked to herself more.

Occasionally, she would even whistle. Many of her choices were children’s songs; though it wasn’t yet sunset, she was trying to go home with the crows in her song. Maybe it had to do with her being able to hear that melody being broadcast in the distance when evening did come.

“Oh, riiight,” she groaned abruptly. This time, she didn’t seem to be talking just to herself.

“What is it?”

“I don’t have many plates or bowls. Ha ha…”

Edamoto-san leaned back to show me her face, grinning sheepishly.

“Oh, right, since you live alone and all.”

It was only natural that she wouldn’t have more than the minimal number of dishes and chopsticks she needed.

“You can use mine, but then I wouldn’t be able to eat… Maybe I could borrow some from next door…? No, this isn’t quite right.”

Edamoto-san grumbled to herself uncertainly. While she did so, I came up with a simple solution.

I only faltered for a few seconds about whether to do it or not.

Before my feet could entangle themselves into the floor like roots, I drank all my tea and then stood up.

“I wonder if the home improvement store carries tableware?”

“Huh? Oh, good question…I think they have lunch boxes and stuff, at least.”

“Lunch boxes… Well, that ought to do just fine.”

I picked up my bag and headed to the entryway. Right as I was about to pass her, Edamoto-san scurried over to cut me off.

“Senpai?”

“I’ll go buy tableware while you’re cooking. I hope the store’s easy to find.”

Even though I’d been commuting to this college for over a year already, I hadn’t walked around the area outside campus much before. I always went shopping in my familiar home neighborhood, and on the rare occasion I went out with college friends, the only place I’d go would be a family restaurant.

“Ahh…I feel kinda bad. Let me pay for it, at least.”

“It’s fine, especially since you’re treating me to food and all. Make sure you lock the door.”

With that light warning, I put on my shoes. As I did so, I looked at Edamoto-san’s shoes next to mine. At a glance, they looked like children’s shoes, so obviously her feet must be quite small.

For some reason, I was strangely perturbed to think of a girl with such small feet living alone.

After I finished putting on my shoes, I felt eyes on me and turned around to find Edamoto-san standing right behind me. She was crossing her arms behind her back.

“Uh, it might be weird to say this, but…like…”

She hemmed and hawed for a moment and then broke into a smile like a blooming flower of happiness.

“Come back soon.”

“…Yes, I’ll be right back.”

I hesitated before exchanging the greeting with her, feeling strange and bewildered.

Since this wasn’t my house, and she was just a friend… “strange” was the only way to describe how it felt.

It was rare for me to feel confusion that wasn’t unpleasant, so I ended up answering how she wanted.

When I went out the door, my heart shaken a bit, the heat that I had nearly forgotten was waiting for me outside.

I headed to the stairs, sighing automatically due to the blinding sun. Perhaps it was pointless to go out of my way to buy tableware that I might not use again in the future. Maybe I was wasting my time, and maybe I was taking a detour. Regardless, I still walked on beneath the summer sky.

It was the beginning of the summer of my second year of college, and I still didn’t know what I was supposed to achieve.

Since I didn’t know the right answer, I could proceed in any direction I chose.

 

“Welcome back, Senpai.”

“…Thank you.”

There really was something embarrassing about having that exchange at a friend’s apartment. That was no different than our exchange on my way out, though.

I had even gone to buy tableware, almost as though we were living together… Anyway, it was weird. Edamoto-san didn’t seem particularly aware of that as she welcomed me back, peering at the shopping bag that dangled from my hand.

“You didn’t get lost?”

“I didn’t have to take any turns, so yes, I managed.”

The walk to the home improvement shop was a straight line past the front of the college. According to her additional directions, turning left partway and walking further would get you to the supermarket. In a town that was chock-full of buildings to the point where it felt cramped, it might only be natural that the roads were minimally planned.

I was relieved to find that the air conditioning in the apartment was working well. On top of that, there was something fragrant mixing in the smells of the apartment. Drawn in by the scent that was stronger than Edamoto-san’s, I peered into the kitchen and found the source of the smell in a pot containing simmering chicken and eggs.

“Is that oyakodon?”

“Yeah, since I had leftover chicken, plus some rice I made yesterday.”

I reached into the bag and pulled out the bowls I’d purchased. I had bought two, thinking of the possibility that there might be a soup, but perhaps that was excessive. In a frying pan next to the pot, there was something that seemed like a stir-fry of green onion and shiitake mushrooms.

“And that’s just something I ate a lot at home. Also…”

Edamoto-san turned to the table. Irresistibly following her gaze, I found a mountain of torn lettuce pieces—just raw, unseasoned lettuce—piled high in a bowl.

“I thought just having two things at the table would look kind of sparse, so I tried adding more stuff.” She glanced at the empty rainbow glass that was still off to the side where I’d left it. “Maybe I should have gotten more stuff ready before I invited you.”

“This is plenty. I doubt I’ll be able to finish it all anyway.”

I was grateful she was being so considerate and hospitable, but I wasn’t a particularly big eater.

She told me to sit while she got things ready, so I obediently took a seat in front of the table. I picked up the chopsticks I had bought and looked at their perfectly matched tips. I think it was my first time buying chopsticks for myself.

After all, normally you only needed one pair at home.

Wondering how I had ended up with two pairs, I opened and closed the chopsticks as I gazed at them for a while.

Edamoto-san put down the oyakodon pot and the frying pan each on their own trivets. Upon closer inspection, one of them was a place mat rather than an actual trivet. I wondered whether that was really all right, but Edamoto-san didn’t even pause as she served the oyakodon components into my bowl, loading it up until it seemed about to overflow.

“…Thank you.”

“If that’s not enough, you can put as much as you want on top.”

If I added any more than this, I felt like it’d end up spilling, and my fingers would be covered in egg.

“All right, we’ve got everything we need.”

Looking at the new bowls and the pot, she broke into a satisfied smile.

Edamoto-san had cooked, and I had bought the tableware we were lacking.

It was almost as though Edamoto-san and I were living together. As I thought that, I secretly felt bashful.

“Well, thank you for the meal.”

“Go ahead, dig in.”

She motioned urgently for me to eat, not even picking up her own chopsticks. It seemed that she wouldn’t even touch her food until I ate. I picked up the food she had served me with my chopsticks and brought it to my mouth. Then I chewed and slowly swallowed.

Wow. Taking in the lingering taste on the insides of my cheeks and on the tip of my tongue, I instinctively glanced back at my bowl.

“How is it?”

As soon as I finished eating a bite, Edamoto-san asked me for my thoughts. She really was a hasty person.

“Yes, it’s good.”

“Oh!”

“Very.”

“Very?!”

Her voice cracked. After she coughed and cleared her throat, Edamoto-san withdrew, seeming relieved, and sat back down.

“Well, that’s wonderful… I’m really relieved.”

“You’re being pretty dramatic.”

“I mean, I would’ve felt awful if you didn’t like it after going out of your way to buy bowls.”

I suppose that’s fair, I thought, then looked at the bowl I held in my hand and smiled slightly.

At the very least, I thought Edamoto-san’s cooking was worth having gone out and bought them.

I stretched out my chopsticks toward the stir-fry. In response, Edamoto-san’s eyes also followed my movements.

It was a little difficult to eat under such scrutiny.

“Is it good?” she asked again. Being ogled as I chewed on the shiitake made it hard to swallow.

“It’s good.”

“Oh, looks like your opinion fell by a rank.”

She seemed amused by this, not particularly disappointed. I swallowed.

“I just thought it might be pointless to repeat myself.”

“I think it’s a good thing to repeat positive words, though.”

“All right, then. It’s very good.”

“Wah ha ha ha!” Edamoto-san was genuinely thrilled. She had a fitting smile for such simple praise.

Next, I nibbled on the lettuce.

“Is it good?”

I figured she would ask as much.

“It’s nice and crisp.”

“Right? Isn’t it?”

Even though I was only chewing on lettuce she had ripped up, Edamoto-san seemed proud.

It was a bit entertaining.

After I gave her my review of everything on the table, Edamoto-san finally started eating. While she did so, she spoke less, her hands and mouth working silently. I was secretly impressed with her posture and behavior; her back was unexpectedly straight and proper. It was very different from her normal way of speaking and messy movements.

But the result was still typical Edamoto-san.

“That hit the spot.”

“………”

“What is it, Senpai?”

“I was just thinking that you eat pretty fast.”

“Huh?”

Edamoto-san, who had finished eating before I knew it, looked at my bowl. “Oh yeah, look at that,” she remarked as she looked at my remaining food.

“This was how fast I normally ate at home, so…yeah.”

“Does everyone rush at your house?”

“Maybe so.”

Edamoto-san grinned sheepishly as she took her bowl to the sink. She came back right away and sat back down in the same spot. Her eyes flicked around between me, the pot, outside, and back to me. Then, she suddenly spaced out in a different direction, like a cat staring at a seemingly empty corner.

Her small ponytail that wagged along with her movements reminded me of a short tail.

“Is it good?” she leaned forward and asked again.

I wondered if my feelings hadn’t been conveyed sufficiently the first time.

It’s a good thing to repeat positive words. I remembered what she had just said.

“It’s good, and feels a bit odd.”

“Odd?”

I picked up a shiitake as I responded. “Since I think this is the first time I’ve eaten a friend’s cooking.”

It was my first home-cooked meal from a friend. The first one-person apartment I had gone to. And, most of all, it was my first time encountering a underclassman like the one in front of my eyes.

“…What’s up?” Edamoto-san asked, as though becoming self-conscious under my gaze.

“It’s nothing, really…”

I was experiencing many firsts with Edamoto-san.

Most likely, it was because I’d never had a close bond with a personality like hers before.

Back then, I’m sure that if I hadn’t seen her crying by chance, we never would have spent time together. Even if we had have been briefly introduced by someone, I think I would have just wandered away without much interest.

It was specifically because of that occasion that I was eating oyakodon like this.

In fact, this underclassman had many traits that I had never found very charming before.

So if I had to say…

“I thought at first that you were a little bit like someone who used to bother me in the past.”

It was that lighthearted smile of hers that seemed to pull me along by the arm.

“Hmm…” Edamoto-san frowned a little, squinting in thought. Then she screwed up her lips in a pout, still squinting. “Wait, was that your indirect way of telling me you don’t like me? Isn’t that kind of a big deal?”

“No, it’s not like that.”

“Then if you wouldn’t mind explaining what it is like…”

“It means that…I’m curious what kind of relationship I might be able to build now with the kind of person who bothered me in the past.”

That girl I met back then was endlessly one-sided. I wonder if she ever thought about my feelings even once. We were children then, so perhaps she wasn’t capable of that level of thinking, and I’m sure her natural personality had something to do with it, too. Though her behavior and expectations had generally bothered me at the time, now I might be able to grasp her wishes and intentions a bit more. I think that’s a sign that I’ve grown.

“Hmm…uhh…Sayaka-senpai, do I bother you?”

“Not at the moment, at least.”

Besides, your cooking’s quite good, I thought, taking another bite to thoughtfully analyze the flavor. As I chewed, I felt a desire for some palate-cleansing soup, but of course I didn’t say that out loud. Edamoto-san slumped onto the table.

“Whaaat… So I’m like them, but I don’t bother you… I don’t get it.”

“You’re just a bit like her, that’s all. You aren’t the same person.”

“How am I like her?”

“Well…you’re energetic, I suppose.”

“You don’t like energetic people? Sayaka-senpai, how have you gotten by until now? Wouldn’t that leave you so down in the dumps you’d grow mushrooms out of your head?”

She ended up concerned for me, imagining I had gloomy relationships. I suppose that might be a concern if a bunch of non-energetic people all gathered together.

“…Perhaps I phrased that poorly. I think what I mean is, you act without thinking first.”

She was like a cat pouncing on anything that moved. Only after the fact would she finally think about what it meant. It was the precise opposite of being prudent, but it meant she was able to progress forward faster than people who were prone to becoming fixated and stagnating. When I was a child, I could never bring myself to take action until I found a good reason.

“So that’s what you mean. I guess that kinda makes sense.”

Edamoto-san straightened up, as though she’d hit on an idea. Then, she looked at me.

It was hard to eat while being stared at so intently. I lowered my chopsticks.

What’s wrong? I asked with my eyes. Edamoto-san chuckled lightly.

“If I don’t rush things, I’m afraid they’ll just end right away.”

“What will end?”

Edamoto-san stood up without responding to my question and then headed to the sink. I heard her starting to wash the dishes.

“If you waited a little longer, I would’ve helped.”

“The sink is small, so it’d be hard for you to help anyway.”

True, I nearly agreed out loud. If Edamoto-san and I tried to stand side by side in there, it would probably be too cramped.

As I picked up the sounds of the running water from the hardworking air conditioner, I felt the illusion of cold droplets trickling along my neck.

“Sayaka-senpai, what are your plans for today?”

“Once lunch break is over, I’m going to class, and then…”

“And then?”

“…I’ll go home.”

“Aww, too bad.”

Edamoto-san’s tone was light, conveying that she hadn’t particularly been expecting anything.

I actually had one place I needed to stop by before going home, but I left that out, figuring she didn’t need to know the details. There wasn’t such a lack of boundaries between us that I felt obliged to reveal everything.

I wonder if a relationship undivided by any walls even exists in the first place.

People even hide things from their own family, to some extent.

If you shared everything with someone without reserve, you might not even be separate individuals anymore.

“So, Sayaka-senpai…are you seeing anyone?”

“………”

The way she asked that, and how I should answer—those two things tripped me up.

But again, it wasn’t as though there were no walls between us.

“That’s a secret.”

For a while after I dodged the question, I only heard the sound of running water.

“Tsk.”

“What are you tsking for?”

“I was just thinking how I’d like us to become close enough that you would tell me something like that, I guess.”

With that, she trailed off, and the sound of rushing water grew louder. Even when I turned to her, I couldn’t see her expression.

I wanted to ask her exactly what kind of relationship she was hoping to have with me.

But I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I moved my chopsticks to eat faster so she wouldn’t have to do dishes in two rounds. When I ate more quickly, I could barely register the taste, which seemed like a waste.

I lightly traced the surface of the bowl that I had just bought with my thumb.

Saeki-san, Sayaka-chan, Sayaka, Saeki-senpai. The names by which people I’d grown closest with referred to me over the years were all over the place. Such simple differences in what they called to me spoke volumes about each person and my relationship with them.

Maybe Sayaka-senpai would be added to their number. Maybe it wouldn’t.

But if my incredibly uncertain premonition—perhaps I should call it a hunch—was right…

I felt sure that it would.

 

>>I’m here.<<
>>I’ll go ahead in.<<

 

>I just arrived, too.<

>>I can see your head.<<
>>Wah!<<

 

“Looks like business is booming.”

“Yeah, I can even hear voices from the second floor.”

I closed my eyes, inhaling the quiet murmur of footsteps and chatter along with the pleasant fragrance.

It seemed that Miyako-san’s café was doing better than it had in the past. The previously unused second floor was open now, and she had the capacity to hire part-time staff. Girls who looked like they were in high school whirled about in uniform, taking and serving orders as if they could barely keep up.

“You come here a lot, don’t you, Senpai?”

“Yes, especially on my way home after buying a new book.”

When I said that, the bookseller bowed her head jokingly. “Thank you for being a loyal customer.”

“What about you, Koito-san?”

“Not on my own, usually… I wouldn’t really fit in here by myself, don’t you think?”

“I don’t think that’s true.”

The girl who sat across from me was Koito Yuu. She was a past underclassman and a current friend. She was also a person I’d had some very complicated feelings and opinions about.

Koito-san had lost her pigtails and now wore her slightly longer hair down. Naturally, she had become more grown-up than before. No one ever said that about me, so I might have already looked older than my years during my high school days. I felt like our height difference, and thus the difference in the level of our eyes, had shrunk a bit since then. Although the same amount of time has passed for both of us… I thought with a little smile.

“How’s Touko?”

Though she wasn’t here with us now, I asked for the latest news about her anyway. Koito-san held up her coffee cup, looking deep in thought.

“Well, erm…she’s running around a lot, I guess?”

“What does that mean?”

“She seems busy with her theater group, and also…”

“She acts on the professional stage sometimes, doesn’t she? That’s amazing.”

“It seems like she’s still hesitating about whether to really try becoming an actress, though.”

As an amateur, I ended up thinking, Why is she so worried if she’s already gone pro?, but I suppose that experience didn’t guarantee she could make a living on acting alone. The world of theater must be a difficult one.

“Wait, but you talk to Nanami-senpai, too, don’t you?”

“I haven’t had many opportunities to see her in person, but we’ve been in touch pretty often, yes.”

“Then why bother asking me? Isn’t that a bit pointless?” Koito-san laughed.

“It’s not pointless,” I politely objected. “I wanted to know how Touko seems to you.”

For many reasons, talking in depth about yourself to someone else was difficult. After all, if you don’t have a mirror, you won’t be able to see what kind of face you’re making.

I suddenly met eyes with Miyako-san, who was behind the counter. She gave me a slight wave with her usual soft smile. When I nodded back lightly, Koito-san noticed her, too, and gave the same greeting.

As we had just discussed, it seemed I was the only one of us high school graduates who dropped by here often. There were a lot more people who left their hometown to go to college than I expected. That included Midori and Manaka, and Touko, too.

The option of moving away from my parent’s house hadn’t even occurred to me.

For one thing, I didn’t have a clear objective. More importantly, I probably didn’t want what little time I had remaining with my elderly cats and grandparents to dwindle away.

Sometimes I ran into Hakozaki-sensei here. She was still working at the high school as always, and would give me the latest updates whenever we saw each other. Apparently the student council play had become established as part of the culture festival. Thinking about the fact that we’d left behind a definite legacy was a little embarrassing, somehow. She had invited me to come see it this year.

The conversation had shifted to getting the former student council members to attend as well, and now we were determining what came next.

“Will Touko be able to come, too? I know she’s busy.”

“It’s still far ahead, so we can’t be certain…but I think it’ll work out.”

“I see…”

If she did come, it would be my first time seeing Touko in person in a long while.

The distance between us had become a perfect excuse not to see each other.

Touko was living alone near her college, while Koito-san and I commuted from our family homes. Apparently, Koito-san had been staying over at Touko’s place “occasionally,” which I took to mean “very frequently.” Observing her now, I made a confident guess.

“You stayed over yesterday, too, didn’t you?”

Koito-san’s shoulders jolted, unable to hide her surprise. “Huh? How did you know…?”

“That’s simple…” I started to explain, then paused and let out a breath. “It’s a secret.”

“Whaaat…”

“If I tell you, then I can’t tease you anymore.”

“Hmph…”

Koito-san pouted, as if to accuse me of bullying. It never ceased to amuse me how easily she reverted to acting like my underclassman friend again with a little prodding, even though she looked different on the outside. But in comparison, Edamoto-san was slightly more childish despite being around the same age, I thought.

Perhaps her relationship with Touko had induced Koito-san to mature somewhat.

Though I supposed I didn’t know for sure whether Edamoto-san was seeing anyone or not.

“Saeki-senpai, what about you?”

“What about me?”

Koito-san grinned as if to say, See? It’s a hard question to answer.

“Have you done anything fun?”

This light question gave me a bit more direction to work with. However, it felt unusual to be asked if I’d done anything fun. We had talked about Touko’s future, so was I really getting off with such a casual question?

“Well…”

As I looked into the deep tawny brown of the liquid, a certain smile seemed to float to the surface.

There was also a sea otter’s face next to it, but it was probably best to ignore that part.

“I made a friend. A first year.”

That was about the extent of any recent changes in my life. I wasn’t sure if that qualified as “fun.”

“Oh yeah?” Koito-san’s eyes went round. “What are they like? Is it a girl?”

“Yes, she’s a girl…an energetic one. She’s a fast walker and a good cook, too.”

When I put those traits together, they felt only faintly related. I drank my coffee to distract from what felt like a half-baked remark.

When I put it that way, it was as though I didn’t know anything about her except that she walked fast prior to eating at her apartment.

There ought to be more to say, but I couldn’t really come up with anything.

“A fast walker and a good cook…so she’s talented and athletic, huh?”

“That’s a generous interpretation.”

When I watched Edamoto-san move around, I got the impression she leaned much more toward the latter.

“A friend of yours, huh… She is a friend, right?”

“What else would she be?”

I knew what Koito-san meant by her question, but I feigned ignorance anyway.

Edamoto-san seemed very fond of me, but I hadn’t thought too deeply about what sort of fondness it was exactly.

I brushed against the surface of the thought, but only looked at it vaguely, never focusing fully.

My mind was trying to avoid thinking about it directly.

Perhaps it was certain subtle behaviors of hers, or some kind of instincts of my own, or emotions deep down that I had yet to sort out… Whatever the case, my thoughts on Edamoto-san were still unclear.

Edamoto-san was a friend, but she was somehow different from my other college friends.

Though it was easy enough to put that much into words, I…

“I think I’d like to meet her sometime.”

“Right. Perhaps if the opportunity presents itself.”

In spite of my response, I wondered what kind of situation would ever bring Edamoto-san, Koito-san, and I to the same place.

What kind of relationship would lead to that happening?

I couldn’t even guess.

 

I filled my short periods of free time with the school library and newspapers.

Past the card reader, in the space immediately to the left, there were four benches. I sat at one of them and spread out a newspaper we didn’t get delivered at home. The thick carpet spread over the library floor absorbed sound, so footsteps disappeared into silence. It made the presence of other people seem distant.

Though there was a TV set up close by, the volume was low to match the atmosphere in the library, so I could only just barely make the sound out. There were science magazines lined to one side. Though I had picked them up before, I was uninformed when it came to science, so I just couldn’t get into them. From a young age, I think my interest in subjects—or lack thereof—has always been very black and white.

That applied not only to things but to people as well. When it came to other’s names and preferences, I couldn’t retain any of that information unless I had an interest in them.

I wondered how many encounters I had forgotten up until now.

Even when it came to newspapers, my eyes would only actually go to topics I was interested in. That was actually quite useful.

When my fingertips touched the newspaper, they came away smelling of paper. Lately, it was a smell that I encountered less often than usual.

Perhaps I should go buy a book sometime soon.

I folded the newspaper, put it away, and stood up. As I was about to leave, I took a glance at the TV on my way past. At the moment, it was showing a swimmer being interviewed as she waited her turn for a competition. It seemed that she had just come out of the pool; water was dripping from her entire body. Her exposed skin was deeply tanned, as though she had experienced summer ahead of the rest of us.

How had she gotten so burned when she presumably practiced in an indoor pool?

I was about to keep walking without giving it any further thought, until she pulled off her swim cap. Her hair came loose from the cap’s protection, falling just past her ears.

Damp, smooth-looking, silky black hair.

“………”

I stopped.

“I love swimming.”

That was her answer to why she had started swimming. It didn’t seem like a very sophisticated reason.

But perhaps it is important to have such an honest, keen awareness of what you love most.

“And also,” she went on. “In the past, I saw something very pretty in the water. So…um, yeah, I guess you could say I just really like swimming.”

She repeated herself in the latter half with an air of frustration at her own lack of eloquence, which invited a chuckle from the interviewer. Then the short segment ended, and they immediately moved on to the next topic.

I absentmindedly stared at the screen, my half-open eyes barely registering the next piece of footage.

…Hmm.

“………Hmm.”

It was like perusing an old letter you’d long forgotten you received.

“What’s wrong?” Edamoto-san was suddenly standing at my side, looking at the screen with me. “Are you that unhappy about tomorrow’s weather?”

“…What are you talking about?”

I feigned innocence at Edamoto-san’s inquiry, but she pressed on, evidently concerned.

“You just looked kinda serious.”

“You’re imagining things.”

“But you still…all right, fine. Anyway, hello, Sayaka-senpai.”

Taking a step ahead of me, my speedy underclassman peered into my face as she greeted me. I wondered whether I should point out that she was speaking a bit too loudly for the hushed atmosphere of the library.

“Hello.”

“Sayaka-senpai, wanna go to the pool?”

“What for, all of a sudden?”

“Since you were just staring at a pool athlete.”

I wondered how long she had been watching me. Also, the phrase “pool athlete” didn’t sound quite right.

“Edamoto-san, I thought you didn’t read books?” I asked, thinking it was odd for her to show up in the library.

“You can call me Haru.”

“…Edamoto.”

“For some reason, when you say my last name without the ‘san,’ it feels kinda bossy.”

Edamoto-san ducked her head but immediately straightened up again.

“But you said that you read newspapers at the library, so yeah…”

I guess she was listening to what I said at her apartment the other day.

“Sometimes I peek in, and today I just happened to find you. That’s all.”

Edamoto-san concluded and faced forward. Maybe she had actually been checking every day since then, since it seemed like I’d run into her an awful lot lately. Since we hadn’t been in touch about it either, it was difficult to just chalk everything up to chance.

But I purposefully didn’t mention that and walked side by side with her.

I supposed that in theory, whether we met intentionally or by coincidence, it was all the same.

“It is the right weather for going to the pool.”

The moment we took a step out of the library, the sheer heat prompted me to blurt that out immediately.

The cries of the swarming cicadas on the abundant trees of the college were coming from every direction.

The light beamed down on us from a sharp angle.

In the middle of July, the seething summer seemed to hang over us.

“Yeah, true. Then we should go, Sayaka-chan!”

“Don’t call me that, please.” I gently rebuked my underclassman for getting a bit carried away.

Sayaka-chan, she says… I quietly chuckled when she didn’t seem to be looking.

“I obviously don’t have the right equipment to go on the spot, but let’s do it someday.”

I wasn’t like an elementary-school kid who would just have pool stuff on hand.

But still, the pool…

When I was in high school, I went with all the members of the student council, but…my bathing suit…that might work, no, wait… I battled the flow of time in my head.

Then, as I put that aside, the heat and the hesitation both came back to me.

For some reason, we ended up turning left—nothing more than an impulse, but I had no idea where we might be headed.

As we left the library behind and passed by the co-op, I started to feel anxious about our lack of direction.

Lecture…right, I needed to get to my next lecture.

With this belated realization, I looked at Edamoto-san.

“Someday, huh… Oh, right. Would you like to come over to eat again?”

She kept bouncing from one topic to the next. And now, perhaps also noticing that we had no destination, she proposed one on the spot.

“Hmm. But I believe I was just over again two days ago…”

I had already been treated to Edamoto-san’s cooking a grand total of three times. It was delicious and close to the college, and she invited me, and…I kept searching for excuses.

As though I was trying to keep from looking at something.

“Then how about today, too?!”

“Sorry, but I already ate today.”

“Aw, darn.”

Edamoto-san, who had been gaining momentum, almost appeared to shrink with disappointment.

“But someday soon.”

“Ahaha, Sayaka-senpai, you’re so grown-up.”

I tilted my head from the sunlight, and from Edamoto-san’s shamelessly cheerful smile as she said my name.

“Grown-up?”

“Because you keep saying someday.”

Was she unhappy because I kept making such promises? She sounded amused, so it was difficult to tell.

But I wasn’t sure what she meant by “grown-up.”

Since my parents were people who didn’t make half-hearted promises, I didn’t have that kind of impression of adults.

If anything, I thought my habit of prolonging such things could be described as “cagey.”

“There are so many things happening someday that I’m looking forward to them all.”

“Are you being sarcastic?”

“Maybe a little. But for the most part, I’m serious, so…”

Edamoto-san trailed off, her eyes on the other side of the street. Ahead, on a thin path between buildings, there was a boisterous group of girls walking exactly opposite of us. Edamoto-san’s eyes fixed on one of the girls among them, who was watching her as well. Then Edamoto-san flashed a friendly smile, and the other girl appeared to hunch her shoulders.

The girl’s eyes shifted from Edamoto-san to me, walking next to her.

“Hey,” Edamoto-san called, raising her hand lightly. The girl nodded slightly, then turned away and kept walking. I could tell from the way her lips moved as her friends looked to her that she was making some
excuse.

It seemed like a strange reaction for someone who was presumably a friend or acquaintance.

“Weird.”

Edamoto-san gave a troubled smile as the girl walked away. Then she lowered her hand and faced forward again, as though nothing had happened. Even when I peered at her face, she showed no signs of feeling down in the dumps.

She was cheerful and open, just like always. That was how I saw Edamoto-san.

I found myself curious about the awkward encounter, and her cheerfulness in spite of it.

I wasn’t so uninterested in Edamoto-san that I could completely ignore such a thing.

But it seemed to run deep. I had a hunch that taking a step into Edamoto-san’s business would end up being a very large leap.

Should I ask her or should I not? As I walked, I hesitated a bit.

“Was that an acquaintance of yours?”

“No.”

She shook her head at first. But then, after a short pause, she nodded instead.

“Yeah, she is—an acquaintance.”

Her mouth stayed open for a moment, and then she added another correction.

“A friend.”

After this upward revision, the only sound for a while was our footsteps.

“Or at least, she was.”

She made one last addition. Her relationship with this girl seemed to be quite complicated at present.

“It looks like she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. I mean, we haven’t talked at all.”

Though her tone insisted that it wasn’t a big deal, I found that even more intriguing than her usual dramatic invitations. It was like reverse psychology, though surely not intentional.

Curiosity and thirst for knowledge. Clearly, I had a weakness for anything that appealed to those parts of me.

Thinking about it, it might’ve even been curiosity about the mystery of my first meeting with Edamoto-san that was motivating me to do things like this.

I needed to get to my next lecture, and I was pretty much heading in the wrong direction.

“………”

But I didn’t stop walking. It were as though my feet had other ideas about where I wanted to go.

In spite of the intense heat beating down on us, the light sweat forming on my back was accompanied by something like chills.

I’d never skipped out on a lesson before.

I was tense to the point that my fingertips seemed to go slightly numb.

I stopped and changed direction.

“Huh? Did you remember something you had to do?”

Edamoto-san stopped on the spot, seemingly hesitant about whether to follow me.

So I invited her, “Come with me.”

As I moved my head, the strong cries of cicadas flew into my ears from the other side of the day. Edamoto-san paused for a moment and then lit up in a smile. “Cool, cool, cool,” she announced, running back to my side in a flash.

“Don’t you have a lecture?”

“Not anymore.”

I had erased it from my plans, for better or worse. Even though I was skipping, I felt strangely positive about it.

In contrast, I remembered the tepid feeling of the day when I said I wanted to quit swimming.

I had run away with a sense of guilt that time, but now my heart was feeling completely the opposite.

Perhaps this feeling had prompted me to recall those memories clearly, when they’d been vague for so many years.

“Wait, not anymore…? Uhh, I feel kinda bad… Are you sure?”

“It’ll be fine if I take just one day off.”

After all, my friend who attended lectures so sporadically last year had survived into her second year without a hitch.

In the past, I was always hyper-vigilant of making even a single mistake. But even though I had piled up many failures until now, I was still alive, and even smiling.

That was why I knew it was fine—why I kept going forward.

And so, I led the way behind the lecture building. It was the smoking area that tended to smell, where trees had been planted as though to enclose it.

The very place where I first met Edamoto-san.

I glanced at the bench, positioned such that it seemed to carry the burden of the wall’s shadow and then looked at Edamoto-san.

“Wow, this takes me back.”

Edamoto-san jokingly stood by the wall, where she’d been when we first met. “Something like this, right?” Then, though she wasn’t crying, she rubbed her eyes.

“Was that girl from earlier related to why you were crying that day?”

Edamoto-san’s eyes went wide.

“Sayaka-senpai, are you psychic?”

I remembered Koito-san’s flustered face when she expressed similar doubts during our last meetup, and smiled a little.

“Anyone could guess as much.”

I sat down on the bench, leaned my back against it, and breathed out a little sigh.

The hard sensation that I felt on my back through my clothes and the fragrance of the trees reminded me of the student council building.

“Go on.” I patted the bench next to me. Edamoto-san cradled her bag as she sat.

“I was happy you let me have this place back then… No, that’s not quite right. I was embarrassed.”

Edamoto-san closed her eyes and let the edge of her mouth slacken slightly, as if reminiscing.

“Once I was alone, I didn’t want anyone to see me crying, but I ended up wondering why I felt that way. I don’t think crying is really such a bad thing.”

I remembered Edamoto-san’s face when we had reunited in the lecture room. Her nose was red, but she wasn’t crying anymore.

“Why, then?”

I was curious. Edamoto-san answered right away.

“I think it’s probably because I don’t want to show people my weak side.”

“Your weak side?”

I thought over the words she had chosen.

“I felt like if I seemed weak, people wouldn’t like me.”

Her face had a shadow over it as she smiled, filled with loneliness.

She has a point, I thought at first. If someone is weak, cries easily, and can’t live without relying on others… I might think poorly of that kind of person.

But people cry when they’re happy, too. It has nothing to do with how strong or weak they are.

So I didn’t know for sure whether crying meant exposing your weakness.

I sank into silence for a bit, but there was still sound all around us.

The cicadas were loud. The cicadas were crying—so that they could live.

With voices stronger than anyone.

The first one of us to speak was Edamoto-san.

“It’s a little hot, isn’t it?”

“A little?”

My hair, absorbing the sun all this time, complained that it was more than a little hot. The sunlight seemed to be creeping closer, spreading even into the shade.

“I chose this spot on a whim, but would you rather talk somewhere else?”

“No, here is fine.”

Edamoto-san’s eyes crinkled up, showing her happiness.

“Besides, we’re alone and all.”

Setting Sail

 

>I HAD ALCOHOL yesterday. With a friend.<

 

>>Oh, because it was your birthday?<<

 

>Yes.<
>I tried beer.<

>>How was it?<<
>>I hear it’s sour.<<

 

>That’s exactly right.<
>It was so sour.<
>It didn’t leave me craving more, that’s for sure.<

 

>>You’ll like it once you get used to it.<<
>>Maybe?<<

 

>I think I’ll pass for the time being.<

 

>>Mine’s in February, so that’s still a ways away for me.<<

 

>I know.<
>I’m your elder by a year for now.<

 

>>Yours is in the summer and mine is in the winter.<<
>>Shouldn’t it be the opposite?<<

 

>You think so?<

 

>>Hmm.<<
>>Actually, I guess I’m not really all that summery.<<

 

>Right.<
>You remind me more of spring.<

 

>>Why spring?<<

 

>Because that’s when we met.<

 

>>Haha, fair enough.<<
>>You’re the picture of winter.<<
>>Since you’re composed and stuff.<<

 

>I don’t think I’m composed, but…<
>Sure.<
>Let’s go with that.<

 

>>That response is kind of concerning…<<
>>But right, so alcohol, huh?<<
>>I’d like to have a drink with you someday.<<

 

>Yes, someday.<

 

>>Yeah.<<
>>I hope that day really does come.<<

 

As I listened to the sounds coming from the once-unused second floor, I heard the musical clatter of a cup. The coffee I’d ordered had been prepared while I was preoccupied with my phone. And Miyako-san, the café manager, was smiling on the other side of the counter.

“You don’t look so hot.”

If she noticed that with just a glance, it must be terribly obvious. The aroma drifted from the coffee cup, taking on the outline of Miyako-san’s café. My cloudy vision cleared slightly.

“Something wrong? Maybe I can help a little.”

“Erm…”

“It looks like something’s weighing on your mind.”

“Yes. A headache.”

Miyako-san gave me a blank stare. She had probably meant that figuratively. But from my point of view, that was exactly what was troubling me.

“It just won’t go away,” I groaned as I held my forehead.

“Oh, maybe it’s a summer cold?”

I shook my head. Of course that’s how she would interpret things, since I looked sick, but the reality was even more miserable than that.

“I think it’s probably from the drinks I had yesterday.”

Since I was going off of my general knowledge, I didn’t know if I’d gotten the symptoms correct. But I suspected that the source of the listlessness and headache that had plagued me since morning without relief was none other than…

“A hangover?”

“I think so. Possibly.”

At my dubious expression, Miyako-san broke into a smile. She drew away for a moment, prepared something, and came back.

“In that case, start with this.”

She set a glass of what looked like water down next to the coffee. When I picked it up and looked at it closely, it was a little cloudy for water. I gingerly took a sip; it wasn’t the clear taste of water either, but something slightly sweeter. It tasted familiar, although I couldn’t quite place it.

“It’s what they call a sports drink. They’re a good way to stock up on salt and sugar as well as hydration.”

“Thank you…”

I was surprised she had something like that on hand. Perhaps she drank it herself.

While sipping the contents of the glass a little bit at a time, I checked the clock.

Not even a full day had passed since Edamoto-san confessed to me.

After I got home from her apartment, I flopped onto my bed and was completely unconscious until morning. I was thankful I didn’t wake up in the middle of the night, but if you looked at it objectively, I had just drank alcohol, returned home, and passed out until morning. The bold debut of a twenty-year-old.

After that, I had my morning bath, and just as I began to regain my composure, I became aware of a tight pain in my temple. And now, here I was.

Miyako-san observed my current state, looking amused.

“First time?”

“Yes, I was celebrating my birthday.”

“Oh, happy birthday,” Miyako-san said breezily. Then her eyes wandered off. “Hmm.”

“Um, is something wrong?”

“I was debating on whether to give you that coffee on the house.”

“No need, but I appreciate the thought.” I put down my glass and looked up. “More importantly, I sort of wanted to talk to you about something…”

I felt a sense of déjà vu, like this scene had happened recently. A bit too much time had passed to really call it “recent”, but Miyako-san was still calm as ever as I looked up to her.

“Hmm.” Miyako-san looked around the café. The tables were brimming with a type of clientele I hadn’t seen before. “Could we do this after things settle down a little?”

“Yes.”

“Sorry I have to do this when you have a hangover, but just hang in there for a little.”

Does my hangover really have anything to do with it? I wanted to refute her, but when I turned, a sharp pain seemed to pierce the back of my head. It seemed the hangover was deeply relevant after all. Though I think there were other reasons besides the alcohol that my eyes and head were spinning, I couldn’t deny that I’d been rash about my drinking.

I think my usual self would have done more research before actually drinking.

Maybe I had been a little too excited.

Thus, I obediently waited for Miyako-san. It was so busy, I actually felt bad for overstaying my visit on just a single cup of coffee. Miyako-san had told me before that having a thriving café was a dream of hers, and it seemed to me that her dream had really come true. I watched the scene over the rim of my coffee cup, and suddenly a thought came to mind.

Have I ever had a dream come true up until now?

My headache calmed down a little while I was waiting. Now having a serious conversation shouldn’t be too difficult, I thought.

“Sorry for the wait. Oh, by the way—when it comes to drinking alcohol, it’s best to do it after you’ve got something in your stomach,” Miyako-san returned to me while wiping her hands, then gave me some unprompted advice.

“I won’t be drinking for a while, but thank you…”

“I thought the same thing when I started drinking.”

As Miyako-san smiled at me, I couldn’t help thinking that she seemed like a higher-level adult than me; perhaps I still had some childish parts left myself. These divisions were more complicated than just “child” versus “adult”—there must be many more levels and delineations of adulthood, too.

I had come to this café because I thought of her as such an adult.

With my hand still adorning the cup, I cast my eyes down a little and spoke. “Someone confessed their feelings to me the other day.”

“Oh?”

Having said that, I realized it was actually just yesterday, not “the other day.” But there was no need to get hung up on such minor details.

Miyako-san leaned forward and positioned herself to listen closely.

“Who was it? Someone at college?”

“Yes. A first year—one year below me.”

“Is she cute? Or more on the beautiful side?”

Based on the way she asked that and smiled, it seemed like she had particular examples in mind for both options.

Considering the people who had come to the café with me in the past, I could guess who she was thinking of immediately. But Edamoto-san didn’t look like either of those two at all. It also seemed that she was assuming the person who had confessed to me was a girl. Well, I suppose that makes sense, I thought.

Because if it had been a guy, I probably wouldn’t be agonizing about it this much.

“If I had to pick one, then I think she’s on the cute side.”

And the women that I had fallen for until now had been on the beautiful side.

I wondered which type Edamoto-san preferred. I had kind of seen her ex-girlfriend’s face before, but it was just a glance, so I couldn’t remember what she looked like in detail. Thinking about it, my interest levels really are an extreme contrast.

I have a surprisingly clear recollection of things that interest me, but things that don’t interest me blur and drift into oblivion.

“Since you don’t know what to do, that means you don’t dislike this person, right?”

“Well, no.”

If anything… I started to say, but then I questioned myself. If anything, what?

Why had that particular phrase sprung to mind right away? I didn’t think I felt such strong affection for her that I would jump to If anything, quite the opposite, or something like that.

“Someone confessed to me in junior high once, too…”

“Well, aren’t you popular,” she teased. In point of fact, I had been confessed to several times in high school, too, but that wasn’t important.

“Back then, we dated even though I didn’t know what it meant to like someone… I ended up falling for that person after the fact, but it didn’t end well. She was the one who confessed to me—and the one who broke up with me.”

That might be why I was automatically suspicious to no small degree whenever someone showed me affection.

And yet, I myself fell for people so easily.

I think that I’m actually pretty soft on myself when it comes to that.

“And you’re worried it’ll happen again?”

“A little.”

Each time you failed at something, you would become wiser and more cowardly. My grandmother had once said something like that. And indeed, that was exactly what I was doing right now.

But I was sure that becoming wiser wasn’t a bad thing.

“It’s just that this time, I’m worrying about it optimistically. …It’s a strange way to put it, but that’s what I’m feeling.”

Something was definitely different this time around. I wanted to think that the difference was that I had gotten smarter.

“Right.”

Miyako-san’s response was gentle. That hadn’t changed since I had met her.

Though she could be a bit teasing at times.

“It’s all right if you worry about it a lot. I think that sincerity of yours is charming.”

“Thank you.”

It felt nice to be complimented so readily. Miyako-san had that rare trait of being good at praising others. Maybe it was because she worked in the service industry.

“I’m not quite asking for advice, but even talking about it like this does make me feel better.”

“Of course…”

I really did mean it. It wasn’t like Miyako-san was going to particularly give me advice.

An animal trapped in a cage is bound to become disgruntled. Thoughts are living things, too. They can’t be locked up forever.

“College, though, eh? That seems like so long ago now.”

She began to count on her fingers one by one but stopped in the middle of that as though she had realized something.

Then she looked up at me and laughed lightheartedly at my expression in response to what I’d just witnessed.

“Ahahahaha.”

“Ahaha…”

We laughed deliberately and forcefully, putting it behind us.

“That reminds me, I know a certain someone who once started dating a person because one never knows until they try it out.”

“You mean Hakozaki-sensei?”

Miyako-san didn’t reply but smiled as though she were reminiscing about something.

“You really are making the most of your youth,” she teased me lightly, but I felt something like guilt when she used the word “youth.”

The issue was with my age.

“Doesn’t one’s youth only last through high school?”

“College students aren’t that different, though.”

Perhaps that was true once you reached Miyako-san’s age.

“If you can believe it, I still consider myself to be in my youth, too.”

“Well…um, you certainly are young.”

“That was supposed to be a joke…”

While we each gave each other something of a forced smile, a particular mood swept over me.

Even college students weren’t much different from high schoolers…

On further consideration, I supposed it was true.

I couldn’t find a clear distinction between my high school self and my college self.

 

Naturally, I happened to run into the confessor in question on campus.

“H-Hey,” Edamoto-san gave me a flustered greeting.

“Good morning,” I responded, a little bewildered.

Did she always seem like that?

“Good morning…” she awkwardly bowed her head to me, which also seemed different from the Edamoto-san I knew.

We stood close to the main gate, exposed to the summer sun as the confusion intensified.

“Wait, this isn’t how things normally go. Um, how do I normally act again…?”

Edamoto-san frowned, tilting her head and scrunching her face in thought.

“We can just go on like usual… Oh, I guess the issue is what that’s supposed to look like.”

As her concern deepened, I too was starting to lose sight of what our relationship had been like in the past. Then, I remembered too late that she had confessed to me when we last met. I had told her I would think about it, and I really had done just that, but I hadn’t come up with a response yet. But regardless of all that, we had to go on with our college lives.

Still, as we walked together, there was definitely a slight awkwardness between us.

“Sayaka-senpai, did you get home all right the other day?”

“Yes, I didn’t have any particular issues.”

I was a bit full of it, to be honest. In truth, I couldn’t actually say whether it went all right or not, because I didn’t remember the process of getting there.

After I got on the train and sat down, my consciousness had faded in and out. The scene around me would suddenly light up or go dark. As the train car jostled, I felt like I was drifting up and down between dreams and reality. Maybe this was what it meant to blackout?

I had become a stereotypical college student—as I berated myself, I felt someone watching me.

When our eyes met, Edamoto-san’s face steadily changed color as she looked up at me. It started from the middle of her cheeks, faint and warm.

A warmth different from the one of summer reached my eyes.

“What’s the matter?”

“The matter? I think I told you already. I blurted out the whole, entire matter.”

“Right.”

Hearing that directly, I felt like I was being dragged into the same state of mind as her.

“I was just thinking it’s pretty embarrassing to be in front of the person you like after you’ve laid your heart bare.”

“Right…”

That simple reason was probably related to why I hadn’t tried to meet with Touko much since graduating from high school. Although it was hard to face that fact head-on.

“Maybe it would be better if we don’t see each other until you have a response.”

“Right…”

I was so unsure how to reply that I kept repeating the same thing. But really, there wasn’t much else I could say.

Because I was still agonizing over it.

Agonizing over something wasn’t a no, at the very least. Even Miyako-san said so.

That’s right—I wasn’t saying no. I was just stopping to think and be cautious.

I already knew exactly what I was being cautious about. But that only made me want to take it even more seriously.

But in spite of my serious efforts, the answer wasn’t immediately making itself clear.

I thought I had learned a lot by now.

And yet, I had encountered so much affection since then, and now here I was.

Once again, I was turning things over in my hands, comparing them, and thinking.

I wonder what love really is.

 

>Will you be on campus tomorrow?<

 

>>Yeah.<<
>>Why do you ask?<<

 

>I have something to tell you.<
>Can we meet?<

 

>>I’d be happy to!<<
>>Oh, wait. Should I be happy, though?<<
>>Wait, wait, wait, is that what you wanted to talk about?<<
>>Aaaaahhh.<<

 

>Calm down.<
>But yes, I do want to talk about that.<

 

>>There’s no way I can calm down, then.<<
>>Nope nope nope.<<

 

>If you can’t, then…<
>I suppose let’s call it off.<

 

>>Senpai, you’re too quick to decide things.<<
>>But if you ask whether I’m usually calm…<<
>>like, probably not.<<

 

>Right.<
>Well, until tomorrow, then.<

 

>>Whaaat?<<
>>There’s still six hours left in the day today.<<
>>Tomorrow is so far away…<<

 

>Please relax.<
>Our conversation isn’t going to be that bad—I think.<

 

The next day, I spotted Edamoto-san running over to me, pale-faced. If she wasn’t moving as quickly as ever, I would have questioned whether she was physically okay. In fact, her perpetual level of energy was nothing if not reliable.

“Good afternoon.”

“It’s not even noon yet.”

Her movements were stiff, as though she had gotten mixed up in potato starch. The hand perched on her elbow, which was bent at a right angle, fluttered like a flag. Before long, she seemed to lose the strength to do even that much and stiffly lowered her arm.

“Your face looks awful.”

“That’s so mean.”

“…Your complexion looks awful.”

When I made that slight correction, Edamoto-san seemed relieved. Was she fine with that, then?

“It’s probably just ’cause I haven’t really slept much… I could have hidden it with makeup, but there isn’t much of a point if I sweat it all off.”

Edamoto-san laughed, openly exhausted.

“I feel like I’ve told you many times already that you don’t need to rush so much…”

“I don’t mean to rush. When I try to keep up with my emotions, I naturally start running, that’s all.”

She explained the reason she was running in her own special way. For me, this seemed like a dubious reason at best.

The last time I had spontaneously started running was probably all the way back in my childhood, when I was chasing after a cat.

Edamoto-san leapt to my side, as though she were pouncing on something. A gentle breeze came to me along with her. As it did, I noticed something strange, and frowned automatically.

“…You smell like alcohol.”

“Huh?”

My underclassman averted her eyes awkwardly when I pointed this out.

“I was trying to calm myself down and, for some reason, there just so happened to be beer in my refrigerator.”

“I would think that’d actually make you feel even more of a mess.”

She must’ve had what you’d call a nightcap, I thought. Based on the color of her face, it didn’t look like it had been that effective.

“Besides, drinking too much isn’t exactly praiseworthy—you’re a minor. It’s not society’s rules that I’m worried about so much as your health.”

“Wait, I don’t drink that often, though.” Edamoto-san seemed flustered as she protested. If she did make it a habit, that would be a huge problem, especially at her age.

“And here I even made sure to tell you this wasn’t going to be a bad conversation.”

“But that just made it even harder to sleep…especially when you said it wasn’t that bad.”

Although Edamoto-san lamented, she didn’t show any sign of letting her lack of sleep drag her down—she was much faster than me, downright nimble, even. She circled around in front of me just like a dog.

“But I was definitely happy, too.”

What are you talking about? I asked with my eyes, and Edamoto-san gleefully laughed.

“Because this is the first time you’ve been the one to ask me to meet up,” Edamoto-san said, turning to face me and walking backwards.

Her voice pierced through to the back of my mind more sharply than the summer sunlight.

“Ahh…”

I really get that, I thought.

When it feels like you’re the only one whose feelings are running ahead, you’re bound to be anxious. You start to wonder how far you should really go and whether you’re in too deep. So if the other person reciprocates in some way, that’s enough to allow you to stop running and feel at ease.

When your heart gets too far, either from yourself or someone else, it becomes delicate and even weak.

And I am just as weak as anyone else.

“Well then, where are we going?”

Edamoto-san was already following me by the time she asked. Of course, I wasn’t just going to head to lecture right away. We gradually broke away from the uniform flow of students.

“To the back of the lecture hall.”

“Hm? The bench?”

“It’d be better if there weren’t many people around, right?”

“Oh, umm…yeah, you’re right. Plus I might end up crying again.”

“Right…”

Tears come from the most extreme emotions, both good and bad. So Edamoto-san really might end up crying.

As we walked in silence, I thought back on Edamoto-san’s tears from the first time we met.

“Sure is hot today.”

“It really is.”

That was the extent of our conversation on the way.

Soon, we arrived at the usual bench. …Well, I suppose not the usual per se, but this was where Edamoto-san and I met, and where we seemed to keep returning to time and time again. Since it was the place where we met, I suppose I could call it our origin.

I straightened my back as I sat down and gazed out over the scenery before me.

The series of green spaces were different from the nature that had enclosed my surroundings in the past, and the glitter of heat indicated the season.

With Senpai, it had been the courtyard; with Touko, it had been the student council; and with Edamoto-san, it was the bench behind the lecture hall.

When the time came to leave yet another place that was both the beginning and the end…

I wondered whether, this time, I would finally leave without shedding a single tear.

“Before I give you my answer, can I ask a question?”

“S-Sure.”

Edamoto-san’s arms and back were completely straight. A small rivulet of sweat flowed along her arm.

It looked good against her tanned skin.

“Why did you fall in love with me?”

My voice sounded slightly cold, though it might have been because of the shade covering the bench.

I’m not sure how Edamoto-san took that, but the blush on her cheeks grew a bit.

“Are you doing that one thing? Like, testing whether I’m sincere or something?”

“I’m just curious, that’s all.”

I wanted to know Edamoto-san’s point of view about what it meant to care for someone. Edamoto-san scratched her head.

“It’s kind of hard to say, but…maybe it was love at first sight?”

“Love at first sight?”

I was already turning it over in my head. As though she were telling me to stop, Edamoto-san waved her hand side to side. “So I guess that means I initially fell in love with your face.”

“Mm-hmm.” Since I understood that, I agreed automatically and then felt a little bashful. So it was this face, I thought and brushed my cheek with my fingers. “I see.”

“Yeah, I guess so…” Edamoto-san’s voice didn’t sit right, as though she had lost her balance. Her tone indicated she was impatient to hear what came next.

I opened my eyes wide and looked at her intently.

“Well then, if I may…”

“Uh-huh…”

“To be honest, I can’t say that I’m exactly head over heels in love with you right now.”

I jumped right into it, assuming she had already figured out this much.

But then…

“Huh?” Edamoto-san looked genuinely taken aback.

“Wait, erm…did you really assume that I would be madly in love with you?”

When I pointed that out, Edamoto-san grew embarrassed and squirmed on the spot. “Well, I mean…obviously I wasn’t that confident… Oh, but if you’re not, that’s not good…”

Edamoto-san hemmed and hawed. …The conversation was already completely off-track.

I was almost at a loss about what to do. Should I keep going and pretend this interruption had never happened?

Edamoto-san seemed like she was likely to keep mumbling to herself forever at this rate, so I couldn’t expect the situation to improve.

I tried waiting it out, but nothing changed as the cicadas cried. The clouds continued to swim, still unable to reach the towering sky.

“………”

I decided to pretend it hadn’t happened.

“Something like this happened in the past, too, and I ended up actually falling for that person.”

Once I shifted back to the conversation abruptly, Edamoto-san stopped her squirming and came back to her senses.

“This was the person you were dating before, right? My exact opposite.”

I nodded a little.

“Back then, I didn’t know what it meant to love someone. But I wanted to know, so I thought I would try dating her. I had no idea where the future would lead, either. That might have been a disingenuous reason, but that was what started it. I think that this case is very similar.”

Even though they were completely different people, the situations themselves were quite closely related. It was a curious thing.

Perhaps each person has their own particular path that leads to their heart, and so when different people follow it, they’ll inevitably encounter similarities.

“Um, so…in other words?”

I was sure there were no lies when it came to her love. I knew that, and I wanted to believe it.

But I still couldn’t forget how things had concluded back then.

I mean, in the end, there hadn’t been any lies in my love for Senpai, either.

I couldn’t help thinking about what would happen if I were to become the betrayer this time.

It was like grasping at air.

I didn’t get closer to her, but I couldn’t leave her.

I was at a standstill part of the way there.

“I wouldn’t call it dating yet, but let’s try being together.”

Once I finished saying that, the sound of the crying cicadas seemed to nestle up to the back of my ears and grow louder all at once.

Edamoto-san seemed frozen after hearing me, as though she didn’t understand at first.

Perhaps my brazen response left the possibility that this might even be a roundabout rejection.

“Only if that’s okay with you, of course,” I ended up adding on, like an excuse.

“So should I be happy about this?”

“I’ll leave that up to you.”

I will be the first to admit that I was being a bit annoying.

Edamoto-san slouched a bit and her forehead wrinkled, but as soon as she straightened herself, she smiled.

“I guess it’s kind of like a sample.”

“A sample?”

“Oh, or I guess you’d call it a trial period. Like, ‘if you’re enjoying our product, please subscribe,’ that sort of thing.”

“I’m sorry to give such an indecisive answer.”

When she explained things so positively, it made me feel apologetic.

“If you haven’t decided yet, then there’s a chance you’ll still pick me! So yeah…”

Edamoto-san gestured as though beckoning me over to her.

“You sure have a positive outlook on things…”

I wondered if I would be part of the “outlook” she sought.

…No, even if I weren’t part of it, Edamoto-san would turn around, find me, and make the place she had turned to her new outlook. Maybe being in love meant changing your course, at least a little bit.

“Well, cheers!”

It was difficult to even smile vaguely at her unfaltering voice.

 

“Hmm…yeah? Hm…”

“What’s wrong?”

Edamoto-san continued to speed along as she craned her head toward me. I was afraid she would hurt her neck from whipping it around so fast.

“Well, we’re walking together on campus, so…”

“Yes?”

“I was just wondering how this is any different from before.”

The day after I gave my response to Edamoto-san’s confession, our ordinary routine had continued on. Even our surroundings hadn’t changed. The college was bustling, the wind that breezed by was occasionally loud and unpleasantly warm, and the world seemed almost besieged by cicadas.

Edamoto-san and I existed within a section of that world. It was true—I couldn’t find a difference.

“There’s gotta be something, though. Otherwise, I feel like nothing’s changed.”

“………”

For a moment, I recalled my time with Touko.

How I deliberately chose not to change anything and acted accordingly.

I considered who I had become: scared of change—cautious—a coward.

These days, I felt like I understood a bit of how Touko must have felt.

“Well then…”

When I tried to part ways with her, since we were going to different lectures, Edamoto-san raised her right hand and pointed in a random direction.

Automatically, my eyes followed.

“What is it?”

“Sayaka-senpai, I love you lots,” Edamoto-san declared with a big smile.

For a moment, a heat haze seemed to appear over the scenery, as though the sun were quivering behind my back.

This was quite a passionate goodbye.

“What makes you say that all of a sudden?”

“Just wanted to make sure.”

Sure of what? Before I could ask, Edamoto-san had already started walking.

“Lots, she says…” I echoed the word under my breath as I put my hand on my hip unconsciously and looked away.

Even though I wasn’t the one who said it, the amount of embarrassment I felt bubbling up within me was considerable.

“Looove yooou looots!” she added loudly, waving her hand wildly from afar.

“Stop that.”

I muttered my response too quietly for her to hear.

While I hesitated over whether to wave back at her, Edamoto-san vanished before I could decide. How bold of her to just do whatever she liked… Ah, but I guess what she liked was me, so perhaps I should say she was acting self-centered? But I was being self-centered, too—in fact, I was the only one being selfish here.

How could I ask her to stay by my side if I didn’t love her in return?

What an awful thing to do to a underclassman, I must say.

I couldn’t lead her on for too long just on a whim. No—I shouldn’t lead her on, period.

Something like guilt ate away at me a little at a time whenever we were apart.

Did Edamoto-san resent me for behaving this way?

“Probably not…”

I could tell just by observing her attitude.

Normally, Edamoto-san would have just said goodbye earlier and left it at that.

But if she did that, it would be no different from before.

If nothing was going to change, she would change things herself.

I’m sure she was trying her hardest—to the point where she didn’t have the capacity to think about my complex feelings.

She was a very good person, I thought.

But as basic as this problem might be, I didn’t feel love for her from the bottom of my heart.

…But did that really mean it wouldn’t work?

If we weren’t completely enamored with each other, could we not date?

Was that the only shape love could take?

What does it mean to be completely enamored?

I did think Edamoto-san’s affection for me was pure, if not exactly complete. She wasn’t hiding behind frivolity, like Senpai had been. Surely, responding to that would feel nice.

We would be able to create a very comfortable relationship, I’m sure.

And yet, I kept scrutinizing her affection.

…So that I wouldn’t make a mistake this time.

…For a moment, I had the fleeting thought that if it wasn’t going to work out, it would be better not to try it in the first place.

But if that was how I really felt, then I would have turned her down right away.

I wanted to find a different answer, one that didn’t seem like it was lurking down in a hole.

Not something dark but something bright.

I looked up at the sky, almost as though I were looking up from within the water.

Before I knew it, my eyes were blinded by the sunlight, and I shielded them with my hand.

The back of my eyes felt heavy after absorbing all that light at once. Until I became acclimated to it, the scenery seemed to spin.

Beyond the palm of my hand, the sun slipped under the cover of clouds, and the light gradually weakened.

Seeing the opportunity, I moved away my hand. The sun’s radiance was weak enough to observe even with my naked eyes.

It wasn’t as though there was some answer waiting for me beyond that blinding light.

I knew that no matter what conclusion I reached, the glitter of the sun wouldn’t change.

The shape of the clouds and the blueness of the sky wouldn’t change, either. They would continue to flow along just the same.

But my worries were still large enough to shake an entire world.

It was all an issue of my heart.

 

When I got home, I had the notion to call a friend of mine for the first time in a while.

It was something that I could talk to her about later if she didn’t pick up, but the call immediately connected.

“Oh, it’s Sayaka.”

My high school friend’s voice sounded like an entirely different person over the phone.

“It’s been a while.”

“Who is that? Oh, sounds like Sayaka.”

I heard another voice on the line.

It was Manaka, who lived with Midori, joining in on the conversation as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

“Sayaka, you’re so mean. This is the third time now.”

“The third time?”

“That you called Midori but not me.”

“Erm…yes, I suppose so.”

I wondered why she would know the number of times I’d called and then realized it was because they were always together. In that case, it didn’t really matter which of them I called, since I could talk to both of them either way. But I supposed that was why Manaka was complaining that I still called Midori rather than her.

I hadn’t even realized I was doing that until she pointed it out.

In high school, when we entered our third year and changed classes, I wound up in the same class as Midori. Since we were separated from Manaka, I supposed I might have become closer to Midori. My priorities were such that I would automatically dial Midori when I called. Although, that might be based more on their personalities than anything.

The drastic differences that can come about from such minor reasons are one aspect of relationships that make them so curious and interesting, and requires careful attentiveness.

“Well, I thought we’d end up going off-topic if I called you, Manaka.”

“Yeah, fair enough.”

With that ready admission, the discussion was over. Manaka was quick to speak and quick to finish.

The only one who could keep up with her pace was probably Midori.

“So, I’d like to ask you for something that might be a little strange.”

“Something strange? Oh, this sounds good. I’d sure be interested in your strange side.”

“That’s true. We’ve only ever seen Sayaka being normal.”

I felt like they were taking this as an opportunity to drag me. What did it mean for me to be normal, though? It was easy enough to picture my abnormal self—I just had to think back to when I was drunk. Right now, that was a side of me that only Edamoto-san knew.

“All right, then, here comes the weird request.”

“I’m going to try my hardest to be weird, too.”

“You don’t even have to try to be weird.”

I lightly cleared my throat, though privately I agreed. Even though I trusted them, it was still a somewhat embarrassing thing to ask from friends. But it would be even worse to ask someone I wasn’t this close with.

What I wanted to know was the subtle difference that made.

“I want you to try telling me you love me.”

After I said it, I felt like it was sort of a very arrogant request.

Or maybe it just sounded like I was starved for affection.

“Although if you don’t love me, I wouldn’t want to force you.”

“No, no, it’s fine. Uh, um, should I say it?”

“Or me?”

“For now, let’s go with Midori.”

“Aw, I got rejected.”

I had no idea what Midori had done to the lamenting Manaka, but lighthearted shrieks reached me—“Take that” and “Ahh!”

Should I be concerned about that?

“Okay, I’m going to say it.”

Midori paused for a moment and mumbled, “This is embarrassing.” Then she spoke: “I love you, Sayaka.”

“Thank you…”

The appreciative love from my friend reached me and blew through me like a spring breeze.

It was fleeting and didn’t dwell in my chest.

“Oh, you just cheated on me.”

I almost burst out laughing at Manaka’s response. And I couldn’t hold it back when Midori replied to her.

“She asked me to say it, so it’s not cheating, plus it wouldn’t be cheating in the first place… Also, why are you even talking about cheating?”

“Well, I’m pretty sure you’ve never told me that you love me before, Midori.”

“Uh, ah…I haven’t?”

“I don’t think so.”

In a close relationship, sometimes people neglect to express those kinds of sentiments.

Even I couldn’t recall the last time my family had exchanged the words I love you with each other.

Of course, it was a given that you loved them.

But maybe people ought to check in with each other’s feelings more on a daily basis, just like how we examine facilities and equipment so they don’t fail.

I knew you couldn’t see the heart or emotions, yet I was still superficial about them.

Emotions were living things and circulated as certainly as the air.

Just as how, at some point, Touko had come to love Koito-san and had left my side.

“Oh, I know. Hey, Sayaka, try telling me you love me.”

“Huh? Me?”

This time, Manaka was making that request of me. While I was stunned into silence, Midori jabbed, “What are you doing, cheating right out in the open like that?”

“Well, I just had the idea…”

“Maybe if you didn’t blurt out every idea that pops into your head…”

“………”

So I was going to say it too, then. Maybe that wasn’t such a bad idea.

“I love you, Manaka.”

Even though it was my own request that started it, I felt a little embarrassed doing this with my friends.

“Ooh, that’s nice.”

Manaka didn’t seem to be bashful at all—she was delighted.

“Midori, you say it, too.”

Manaka asked Midori for seconds like a kid begging for more candy, to which Midori replied in an exasperated voice, “For some reason, I don’t want to.”

“Huh? You don’t love me?”

“What? No, I do love you, but…”

Maybe Midori was acting annoyed as a way to hide her embarrassment.

“Wow, what should I do? You both confessed your love to me. Two-timing isn’t good, though.”

“Yeah, it really is no good.”

At this point, Midori was just going with it.

“You two can forget about me and live happily ever after together.”

“What? Et tu, Sayaka?”

“All right. I’ll accept your feelings, then, Midori.”

“Wooow, I’m sooo happy.”

I almost ended up sputtering with laughter at Midori’s deadpan voice.

Time seemed to turn back when I talked to them, making me recall our high school classroom.

“I’ve been rejected,” I muttered quietly. Of course, all I really felt was calm clarity.

It really is different, I became clearly aware.

It wasn’t like with Edamoto-san. If anything, I supposed it was Edamoto-san who was the special case.

My friends’ ideas showed me an answer in a way I never would have come up with. I felt like such opportunities came up often with Manaka. Even if she didn’t seem to be thinking at all—no, even if she really wasn’t thinking—she still seemed to be able to see certain things clearly.

“Sorry, Sayaka. I love the cats at your house, too.”

“Do you? I’ll let them know later.”

Though I might have been giving her too much credit.

“Oh, cats are great. Hey, Midori, I’d like to live with a cat.”

“We’re not allowed to have pets here.”

“Not right now, but in a little while. After we finish college.”

“You mean I’m going to be with you even after we graduate, Manaka? …Will that happen? I wonder…”

“I’ll be the one to decide on the cat’s name. If I left it to you, I feel like you’d end up naming it after a military commander.”

“If we’re going to get a pet, I think I’d prefer a bird…”

“Whaaat? Why?”

“Well, because I like birds better. Plus, I’ve already got something close enough to a cat.”

“But all birds have got are feathers.”

“I don’t understand what you mean about saying that’s all they’ve got. I mean, all cats have got are tails.”

“Um.”

“No, they’ve got ears, too—you know, cat ears. Like this. And Midori, you know what, you’re—”

“Can I hang up?”

“Just listen for a little longer.”

Why?

In the end, I ended up silently listening to them talk for about twenty minutes after that.

It was noisy, unproductive, and not boring in the least.

 

“Senpai, I love you lots.”

“You love saying ‘I love you lots’ a lot, don’t you?”

Though these confessions of love were meant to be like surprise attacks, I had gotten slightly used to them.

“Huh? I never thought that you’d confess your love so passionately to me, Senpai.”

“You do know…”

“Kidding, kidding.”

That day, Edamoto-san had invited me over for lunch, so I went to her apartment.

The sound of the air conditioning working hard was rattling overhead, as though it had replaced the cicadas.

In actuality, I had planned to go to the library during my spare time, but I supposed there would be no point trying to read if Edamoto-san was with me. Most of all, when I was in this room, I stopped wanting to leave until time was up.

There wasn’t a single place on campus where I could relax this much.

“Just so you know, your confession already got through to me.”

Since she kept telling me she loved me, I thought that she might not realize I had understood that.

“No, that’s not the issue.” Edamoto-san shook her head. “I just feel like if you don’t make sure something is clear, it’ll start to fade. So, I just wanted to make sure my feelings are clear, to the point you can almost see them. I think that’s really hard to do, though.”

Edamoto-san spoke lightly while scooping wakame seaweed for the miso soup, not making it sound particularly difficult. But considering Edamoto-san’s clear voice, I felt like she probably could accomplish that.

It was as though her voice remained in my ears almost like stone… It had real substance.

“Well, it might not be working out too well, but I just couldn’t think of anything else.”

Edamoto-san laughed awkwardly and glossed over it.

“Is that why you say you love me lots?”

“I couldn’t think of anything else,” she repeated again, as though she were pushing against a hard wall. Even if she couldn’t think of something, she took action anyway.

The resolution I lacked, Edamoto-san had in spades—to a dangerous degree.

She seemed to have a clear sense of what people around her liked and disliked, too.

“When I talk to you, I feel like there are so many things I should be learning from you, Edamoto-san.”

“Y-You think so?”

That kind of compliment made Edamoto-san bashful
like a normal person. I felt like there were a lot of other things that she should have been embarrassed about, though.

“But if I keep learning from you, then even I might end up becoming more like you, Edamoto-san.”

“Oh, that wouldn’t be good.”

Edamoto-san acted like she was seriously concerned by my joke.

“I love you the way you are right now, Sayaka-senpai.”

When Edamoto-san declared her affections casually, it caught my interest somehow.

“What do you mean about loving me how I am right now?”

I couldn’t help reacting to how she spoke as though she knew something even I did not.

But she responded quite clearly to my abstract question.

“The Sayaka-senpai I see in front of my eyes is everything. I can’t explain it any other way.”

Her declaration brushed along my skin even more strongly than the breeze blowing from the air conditioner.

Edamoto-san continued, “I don’t care about a person’s dark side or what they’re really thinking anymore. I don’t understand all that, and I probably never will, but…what’s important is that you’re smiling right now and that you’re happy… That’s what matters to me. Sorry I can’t really find the right words for it. But I think that your thoughts always show up on your face. That’s why I love everything I can see of you right now, and that’s all I need to know.”

Edamoto-san’s voice rang out along with the ceaseless breeze, appealing to me with her expression and gestures as well. She really never hesitated or worried about people’s inner thoughts; she just bared her emotions and told me she loved me. No one could hear all that without feeling bashful, or without being deeply moved.

“You said you couldn’t explain it, but you actually did a pretty decent job.”

Edamoto-san grinned proudly, and I chuckled a little. Then…

“Sayaka-senpai, what do you see me as?”

She put down her chopsticks and asked me a question of her own. She peered into my eyes, as she did so requesting a response.

What was Edamoto Haru to me?

When I kept looking at her, what I could make out was still an outline. But I knew the significance of that shape. I lowered my hand, too, having stopped eating long ago.

“Could you try telling me you love me again?”

It seemed she hadn’t been expecting my request. Edamoto-san froze momentarily, like someone had pressed pause on a remote. When she felt the sensation of her sweat and shuddered from it, she finally restarted.

“Haven’t I been saying that pretty much every day?”

“You have, but I wanted to ask you to do it now.”

Edamoto-san averted her eyes and screwed up her face.

“Sayaka-senpai, you really are a little weird after all.”

“What do you mean, after all?”

Ignoring my question, Edamoto-san coughed to clear her throat.

As she stretched her arms and back, her voice seemed even clearer.

“I love you, Sayaka-senpai.”

She might have been calmer since her confession ended up somewhat formal.

That confession of love came down on my entire self like a heat wave.

It went straight past the surface and burned, certainly, through my insides.

“Uh-huh, uh-huh.” I nodded twice, as though I were scrutinizing it.

“Huh? What was that? What’re you nodding about?”

In order to evade Edamoto-san’s pursuit, I turned to face forward momentarily.

Even when I closed my eyes, something hot seeped in from beyond my eyelids.

I hadn’t fallen in love with her at first sight. I didn’t feel a jolt that day, like I did when I first saw Touko.

So it was so difficult to understand.

But even so…

Though I tried to resist for a bit, it seemed I had reached my limit now.

Even with my eyes closed, it was like I could still see something warm out there.

“Your love is different, isn’t it?”

“Huh?”

When she said she loved me, it came through my ears and reached my chest in the same way as anyone else’s voice might, but…

Somewhere along the way, it turned into something different from a friend’s love.

Perhaps emotions can occasionally surpass science and common sense.

“You know, I think…”

There was a faint warmth—smoldering, like it was seeping out from underneath firewood.

There were faint signs of that in Edamoto-san’s tenderness.

In other words, if her love already felt special to me now, then…

“All I can anticipate is that I’m going to fall in love with you.”

If I came to love her, I would begin to change again.

I was frightened of embarking on that change, so drastic that it would surprise even myself, but nevertheless…

“So if you don’t stay in love with me until I fall in love with you, that would be a problem.”

I had spent so long running after someone on a one-way road without ever getting anywhere.

It was about time that I put an end to such things.

So, I finally gave her a real response.

“Let’s date, Edamoto-san.”

That was my answer.

I tried to make an effort to say it gently, but it still seemed to be a massive shock to Edamoto-san.

She leapt up from her floor cushion and then awkwardly stopped partway through as though her head had hit an imaginary roof. Next, she staggered. She righted herself and came back down to me. But then, she immediately stood up again. Just as she had once said herself, she really didn’t know the meaning of calm.

But the way she kept moving regardless might be a good match for me.

“Really?”

“I hate it when people joke about such things or say it was just a game, so I would never say it myself.”

Even though I had recalled something unpleasant as an example, I think I was probably still smiling.

“R…r…reall…”

Edamoto-san began to emit some strange noises. Then she cleared her throat to divert away from that and immediately choked. Her constant changes were like a ball bouncing around the room.

The Stars Waver

 

WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE with someone, it’s as though you are reaching towards a star. I pretended I hadn’t noticed that I never seemed to reach it, no matter how much I reached my hand towards it.

Because there was something incredibly beautiful in the direction I reached towards.

It was just that I couldn’t reach it.

Stars are incredibly distant things.

Without jumping clear over everything to reach a place high up, you would never be able to touch one.

And if you did reach one, the star would lose its light and simply settle into the commonplace within your hands.

Regardless of that…

Wishing to touch them, even though they would lose their radiance upon approaching them…

…there was a girl who reached for the stars.

Seeing her, I finally decided to move as well.

I was far too late, it was reckless, and I didn’t reach the star in the end, but it allowed me to progress forward.

And so, eventually, I was able to find another star.

I wanted to touch that star, this time for sure.

Yes, it’s true…

This time, I finally took the leap.

 

“I’ve been thinking this for a while, but you really don’t need to add ‘senpai’ to my name.”

After leaving Haru’s apartment and walking halfway down the stairs, I said something I’d been thinking about for a while.

Haru, who was following a step behind me to see me off, replied along with her light footsteps. “But you are my senpai.”

“You can call me Sayaka.” I turned around and mimicked a certain someone, who pushed out her bottom lip, which made my shoulders quiver slightly.

“It’s dangerous if you don’t watch your step as you go down the stairs…”

“Okay, okay.”

Though it was much more dangerous for Haru, considering she regularly ran everywhere.

Each time I went down a step, the winter air bit at my ears. The temperature that continued to sink with the coming of night gave rise to a smarting, burning pain as it touched my skin. Though I had met Haru just as the heat and season had bordered on summer, the flow of time had gone by before I knew it. Even as we continually looked away and made detours, time silently and perseveringly marched on, without either accelerating or stagnating.

“S-Sayaka?”

“Yes.”

I realized Haru’s voice was getting away from her and couldn’t help but laugh. When I finished going down the stairs and turned around, Haru’s face looked uneasy, as though it didn’t feel right. Her eyes escaped to the right, and her mouth and nose were turned down.

“No, I don’t think I can…” Haru turned away as she mumbled. “I just feel a ton of resistance about calling someone older than me by their first name.”

“You’re a good girl, aren’t you?”

When I teased her and patted her head, Haru turned around and retreated to dodge me.

After she took a little distance from me, she looked at me from head to toe.

“What?”

“You’re beautiful!”

Haru gave me a thumbs up. She’s doing it again. My embarrassment intermingled with a smile.

“Thank you.”

“Sometimes I just can’t believe someone as beautiful as you loves me.”

I felt like we had had this conversation before.

Haru, who had come closer to me, patted my shoulders and elbows as if checking them. It was as though the moment we separated, she doubted my existence, even though we had been thoroughly sticking close to each other until just earlier. Her eyes reflected me flatly, like the surface of water.

“Do you really?”

“Really.”

I brushed aside her bangs slightly and touched her forehead. Haru was warm.

Warm to the point I almost felt like it was wasteful of my chilled palm to steal that heat.

“I’m happy when you say you love me. When you praise me for being beautiful, my heart pounds. So yes, I love you.”

“I love you, too!” her answer overlapped with mine.

Haru accepted my statement and seemed satisfied; she touched my hair, which was now at my back, and stroked it softly.

For a while, we stayed like that in front of the apartment front with its small amount of illumination.

Eventually, after Haru took a step back, she mumbled again, “Using your first name, huh… Maybe I’ll ask Yuu-chan for pointers.”

“Koito-san? Do you talk to her a lot?”

“Every once in a while. I ask her about you and get her advice.”

She grinned. Thinking that she might be asking about my high school days, I ended up turning sullen.

“I can’t say I approve of gossiping about people behind their backs.”

“I don’t think you’d tell me anything if I asked you, though.”

“What did you even ask her…?”

Maybe I ought to have a small talk with Koito-san to tell her not to share anything embarrassing.

But then she was likely to ask me, like what?, and I would end up being put into a tough spot instead.

“Since Yuu-chan said that she uses her girlfriend’s first name.”

“Huh…”

I didn’t know that. I wondered if, when they were alone together with hands entwined, they put aside all distance and called each other by their first names.

“………”

I didn’t know.

In my high school days, I had thought there wasn’t anything about Touko I didn’t know.

Maybe the things I didn’t know about Touko and Koito-san would start to accumulate faster and faster from now on.

But that was a natural part of meeting and parting with people. I had left Touko’s side, and the current me was setting out into the night. Many bright things awaited me beyond the thin, elongated clouds of evening.

“You don’t have to walk me out any farther than this.” Since she seemed likely to tag along with me all the way to the station if I didn’t say anything, I let her know in advance. When I said that, Haru’s right foot stopped momentarily in midair. Her white breath billowed out as she stayed frozen.

Haru, a college student who didn’t go home to her parents’ house even on our incredibly long spring breaks, had told me “I want to see you,” so I ended up getting on a train even though I had no business on campus. When I was going home, even though it wasn’t yet late at night, the darkness seemed deep enough that I could dip my palms into it like a ladle.

“You don’t like the cold, right?” I said.

Haru put on a joking grin. “Since my name is Haru.”

“Ah yes, of course.”

When we played with her name—pronounced the same as the word for spring—I smiled slightly. It was cold outside right now, so it would be best if I started walking and Haru went back to her room.

Even though I knew that, I just couldn’t bring myself to move.

That was how our partings always were.

It was a little bit like when we tried to hang up on the phone.

“Yuu-chan is a good girl.” Haru kept talking, as though she too was reluctant to part.

“Hmm? Yes, she is.”

“Plus, when I told her to call me Haru, she called me Haru-chan right away.”

“Right…I didn’t call you that right away, so I’m a bad girl, aren’t I?”

“Oh, yeah, I guess that’s true.” Haru grinned, looking highly amused. “But I like bad upperclassmen, too.”

I was sure she said that nonchalantly, but it made my heart feel lighter.

“That’s good to know…”

How reassuring it was to be given permission.

To meet someone, come into contact with someone, and be influenced by them.

It was impossible to live that way without changing.

Haru, who had come all the way out to the sidewalk, looked up at the sky as she grumbled, “I wonder if spring will come in the morning.”

“The sun is starting to set later, so it’ll be soon.”

While breathing in the freezing air of March, I stood next to Haru. She definitely was smaller than me.

I secretly thought that her height would eventually catch up with me, but it didn’t seem that would be the case after all.

“I was crying when I met you in spring, wasn’t I?” Haru looked up at me.

“Yes, I suppose that did happen,” I replied as though I had forgotten about it.

In actuality, I remembered that day without having to retrieve it from memory.

There was still far, far more distance to go until I could look up at the sky and reminisce on that.

I thought that it would be good if it continued to be far, far away.

“I hope that I don’t cry this spring.”

Of course, I started to say and then swerved into some slight teasing. “A bad upperclassman just might make you cry.”

“Ahaha, in what way?” Haru asked, not acting serious at all.

“Huh? Umm…”

I was at a loss when she asked for a specific way I would do it. I might not have ever made anyone cry before up until this point. Though others had made me cry quite a bit. That’s pretty terrible… I felt objective pity for myself.

“So what is it? How are you going to make me cry?”

“I-I’ll slap you.”

“I can’t believe you’d resort to violence against me!” Haru sounded shocked. Caught up in the moment, I raised my arm.

“Like this?”

“Looks like you’re getting cold feet, Sayaka-senpai.”

She didn’t point at my raised arm but instead down at my feet. I cleared my throat as I put my hand down.

“Well, I haven’t hit anyone before.”

“You really are a good girl, Senpai.”

“I’m not a good girl or anything… I’m sure I was just holding back.”

I looked down at my right hand. I’d been through plenty of aggravating experiences, of course.

There were even times when I got angry and my fingertips firmly curled up.

But I had thought that was a bad thing and held back.

When I thought about it, I realized there were a lot of times like that for me. I’m not sure if I had a knack for it or if it was in my nature, but even though I had held back for a lot of it, I still managed to bear through it. Maybe I was resilient when it came to pain, though it wasn’t as though I didn’t feel it.

“Then you don’t have to hold back with me. If you want to hit me, you can.”

Haru took my right hand and put it against her cheek. Her cheek was already cold.

“Whoa, your hand is cold, Senpai.”

You too, I conveyed to her with the faint movements of my fingertips. Then, we looked at each other, and I suddenly lowered my shoulders.

“But I’m not here because I’m holding something back.”

“Me either.”

Our chilliness and the slow itchiness that was coming about and the warmth…

Those all seemed to make small lights twinkle in the back of my head.

But…

“…Much…”

Much? I wished she wouldn’t say things that would ruin me.

My heart complained happily.

“Of course, I’m working hard so that won’t happen. I realized that was important after I was dumped.”

At Haru’s bashful voice, my earlobes felt ticklish.

It was the same answer I once found in one of my own past failures.

“Me too.” When I muttered that quietly, almost as though it were just grazing my back teeth, I wondered whether it reached Haru’s ears in the end.

A thin flow of air streamed out from Haru’s smile.

It was her sigh, whose temperature I knew.

When I was conscious of it, I wanted to feel it closer.

When I stooped slightly to bring my face closer, Haru immediately responded by stretching herself up slightly. As though a string were entangling us, our faces came closer together, and then met. No matter how many times we did it, the feeling of my breath being stopped by her lips made me feel almost as though I had landed somewhere… It gave me an odd sense of arrival and relief.

Afterword

 

AND SO ENDS the third book about Saeki-senpai. Technically, that means the series is complete.

I had to write a little beyond the original story, so I was somewhat nervous. I felt a little bit like Is it really okay for me to write something like that?, but I still worked as hard as I could to try writing it. I hope you were able to enjoy it.

Nakatani-san chose the name of Edamoto Haru-san, who appears in the book. I’m terrible at choosing names… When I can’t think of one, I end up writing the story without giving them a name at all…

My overall impression of participating in this project is: wow, how strange. Of course, since I was depicting a character that didn’t appear in the manga based on very basic information, I naturally had to come up with everything myself, so…I feel like there’s something about her that’s a little different from the manga’s atmosphere. Though I was trying my best to describe her as a regular character, somehow my own idiosyncrasies ended up sneaking in anyway. Yes, individual sensibilities really are ambiguous and strange, but they definitely exist. That’s what I learned from working on this project.

Also, I started naming the chapter titles based on the original work starting from volume two. What did you think? Did they seem to resemble the original? I love thinking of chapter titles. It’s probably the most fun for me when it comes to writing a novel. Actually, I’d prefer to just write chapter titles and call it a day. But of course I can’t do that.

At any rate…

We were only able to release the novelizations to their conclusion because of everyone who bought them.

Thank you very much.

—Hitoma Iruma