“…Why?!”

Before I knew it, I was pounding on Kaito’s chest.

“Why?! Why did you punch him?!”

“Yuuko…”

I knew I shouldn’t be saying this right then, but I couldn’t stop the feelings spilling out of me.

“How could you do that…? That was a terrible thing to do, Kaito! After that, Saku won’t feel like he can be around us anymore… He won’t be able to come back to us… To any of us!”

The warmth through my little finger was so warm… I didn’t know what to do with it.

“Ugh… Gah… Ngh!”

Kaito didn’t step back or try to grab my hands. He just stood there.

“Why didn’t you go after Saku right away?! You’re supposed to be his friend! You didn’t have to come after me! And also… And…”

I leaned against his strong chest with both hands, propping my weight against him.

My tears fell and disappeared into the dark ground.

Then I realized that Kaito’s tightly clenched fists were trembling.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Yuuko.”

I lifted my head. “Why?!!!”

I kept repeating that same word again.

“Why are you apologizing, Kaito? You’re not the bad guy here. You were just lashing out. This was all my fault. So why did you have to…?”

“Even if it’s not my fault…I’m sorry,” Kaito said with a gentle smile.

“Because of me, you ended up getting hurt even more…”

Don’t say that…

The boy in front of me was so earnest.

This was all because he was angry and worried on my behalf, and even now, he was deeply sad for me.

Even though I was saying irrational things, even though he should probably be losing his temper with me, even though he should probably be telling me to pull myself together…

Why, then, was he smiling to comfort me?

Oh, if only I could have fallen for this boy as my first love instead.

I’m sure I could have kept screaming “I love you” without a shred of anxiety, jealousy, or envy.

—But.

I still wish it was Saku with me now. I guess I really am just a bitch.

Here I was, thinking how nice it would be if it was Saku who’d run to comfort me. If I was hurt and crying for a different reason, if the reason I’d run off was something else. If only Saku could be the one hugging me from behind and saying kind words to me.

Is it wrong to desire that so much?

“I’m sorry, Kaito.”

All I could really do was apologize.

“I’m sorry for saying such terrible things.”

“Heh,” he responded, a brief laugh.

“When you feel all torn up inside, it’s best to get it all out, to scream, or punch a pillow or something. I’m glad I came after you, Yuuko, if that means I get to be your punching bag.”

His voice was as bright as the clear sky. I was taken aback.

“I’m sorry for hitting your chest so many times. I’m sorry for acting like I’m the only one who’s having a hard time. You were hurt, too, Kaito. It must have been terrible.”

I should have realized sooner.

This guy has been Saku’s best friend since first year.

Every day they goofed around together, arms around each other’s shoulders, laughing.

“Don’t be a dummy. I’m the basketball club’s star player, I’ll have you know. You can whack me all you want, Yuuko, ’cause your skinny arms…”

His empty words failed him midsentence.

“…don’t hurt…”

I finished his sentence for him.

I was desperately suppressing my emotions, trying to speak it into reality.

“Kaito… Oh, Kaito…”

Burying my face in his warm chest and crying, I prayed.

—Hey, Ucchi? Please…please…

Please stay by Saku’s side.

I’m the worst.

The worst of the worst of the worst.

I, Yuzuki Nanase, am…

After Kaito left the classroom chasing after Yuuko…

“We should go home, too. Not much fun with just us,” Mizushino announced.

His voice was a little cold, as if he was saying we were all outsiders here. In reality, I suppose we were on the outside. Just bystanders.

We really didn’t feel like going straight home, so Haru and I stopped by Higashi Park.

My teammate had changed into a T-shirt and shorts and was now single-mindedly practicing her basketball shots under the unreliable glow of the park’s lights.

As I sat on the bench and stared blankly at the scene, I cursed myself over and over.

I really am just the worst.

The scene in the classroom replayed in my mind, again and again.

When I realized that Yuuko was going to confess her feelings to Chitose, I was attacked by a deep-blue terror that made me feel cold, like all the blood had drained from my body.

Ah yes. I suspected as much.

While I was trying to close the distance between us little by little in a casual way, she was…

She was jumping straight for the moon.

I thought, Oh, maybe this is it.

Maybe this is the moment my first love comes to its end.

If I’d had to witness Yuuko’s wish come true…would I have to smile and congratulate her?

Hold on a minute. What, just like that?

That day, when Chitose came to my rescue… Although it’s painful to remember it now, I felt like the heroine of a true love story.

It was fate, I thought.

My whole life had led me to meet this person.

I could dedicate my life to this.

I wouldn’t need anything else.

So even though a rational part of me thought a day like this would come sooner or later…

In the future that I imagined each night, wrapped in my blanket, I was always the one who got chosen.

I’d fall in love with the same guy as my friends. Yes, we’d fight about it. We’d get angry, and cry, and make up, but in the end…I’d be with Chitose. It was a totally obvious happy ending.

Then together, we’d decide where to go to college.

Whether we went to the same college or not, we’d at least have to make sure we were in the same prefecture. After all, long distance is tough.

I’d like to go out of the prefecture, but if Chitose wanted, I’d be okay with Fukui University.

Realistically speaking, we could opt for Kanazawa or Kyoto—or maybe even push the boat out as far as Osaka or Nagoya?

I’d be a little worried about Nishino, out there in Tokyo, but despite his tendency to show off, Chitose is an old-fashioned guy at heart. A sleazy affair would go against his principles.

For the same reason, he’d probably refuse the idea of cohabiting at first.

We’d live separately for two years.

We’d go over to each other’s places, having sleepovers on weekends and lonely nights, but we’d essentially both be living alone.

I’d need to get better at cooking so I didn’t seem inferior to Ucchi.

When we turned twenty, we’d have a toast together at a bar that’s a little weird, like we are.

Sometimes, we’d take a bath together and wash each other’s backs while flirting.

I wanted to be smothered in so much love that I’d cry tears of joy in bed…

Then, in the spring of our third year, after meeting the parents, the two of us would finally start living together…

These might be ridiculous, childish delusions, but I couldn’t help it.

No matter how much I try to act above it all, I still can’t see the world without putting myself right in the center. I also don’t like to spend my time imagining scenarios full of gloom and doom, so I keep my fantasies positive. So over time, I gradually fell into believing that my dreams would come true.

Maybe it’s the totally baseless feeling of omnipotence that a lot of people tend to have when they’re young.

Even so… I was so sure that I…Yuzuki Nanase…could shoot down the moon.

And that’s why I felt this way.

I was left behind, as a play I’d never seen before unfolded on a stage I hadn’t even set foot on yet. I was standing there helpless, feeling the frustration of watching from the audience.

I wanted to sink into the floor and disappear.

What was it all for, then? It makes me think of gum with all the taste chewed out of it, spat out onto the side of the road.

I should have stolen his lips instead of his cheek.

That stubborn boy who’s always acting shallow—I could have been his first.

I wasted all this time side-eyeing Nishino and Haru.

I knew, even if I made it through the day, either one of them might overtake me at the slightest opportunity.

Out on the balcony, that day when Ucchi and Haru were over…I should have dashed back inside and just told him how I felt.

All that talk about giving it some serious thought.

I should have told Yuuko my feelings when she asked, and then we could have duked it out.

A truly kind friend would have hesitated before she made that leap.

…Wow, really?

I’m such a shallow person. I’m not worthy of him. He’s willing to help anyone in need, and yet here I am.

I can’t stand beside him with my head held high.

Even if I could go back in time, I’m sure I’d make the same choice.

No, that’s a half-baked, self-serving excuse.

I was afraid to take the vital step.

There’s a tomorrow where I can be loved by the one I love. But isn’t there also a tomorrow where I fail to say what I’m feeling when it matters most?

If I weigh up both tomorrows on the balance board, it’s going to slant toward the latter one.

Because I wasn’t noble enough to just tell him my feelings.

I wanted to raise my chances of success, and then when the moment of truth arrived…I would make a beautiful shot, arcing through the air, dropping through the hoop without so much as a swish…

Umi said something like that to me before, right?

If I wait for the perfect conditions to make a shot like that, I’ll be too slow to act when it really counts…

—Oh God, please give me just a little longer.

Give me more time.

Thank you, I’m sorry, good morning, good night. Chitose and Saku, I love you, I hate you, I adore you, I’m in love with you.

I have so many more words I want to say to him.

I don’t want to regret this moment ten years from now.

I don’t want that once-in-a-lifetime love to become just a bittersweet memory from a distant day.

The feelings in my heart aren’t just summer fireworks.

Please, please, please…

“I’m sorry, Yuuko. I can’t respond to your feelings in the way you want. There’s another girl in my heart.”

So…

When I heard those words…

My heart soared with hope.

My love will not end like this.

I looked at Chitose, smiling so earnestly.

I looked at Yuuko, gathering the last dregs of her courage to be strong, to laugh playfully.

And I envisioned a red thread linking my little finger to his… A little red thread that was as yet unbroken.

Chitose said it very clearly.

He said he had another girl in his heart.

If it’s not Yuuko, then maybe, maybe.

—Maybe it just might be…me.

I fell into a sweet dream.

The feelings of the two players in front of me were set aside.

My heart was pounding secretly.

However…

“…But no.”

“If it’s not you, Saku, I don’t want anyone.”

Yuuko’s tears were so beautiful.

Facing up to her own self, telling the boy she loved how she felt about him. Then, when he didn’t reciprocate, she smiled to make things okay for him… And the words that spilled from her lips were so heartfelt.

—What a jerk I am.

The moment I realized that, an indescribable sense of guilt surged over me.

This very moment, Yuuko was being swallowed up by the despair I’d just seen.

There was no way I could understand her sorrow and how it really felt.

And right now, there was no way the one I loved wasn’t hurting, too.

I’m the worst.

The worst of the worst of the worst.

Yuzuki Nanase is…

In the end, I could only watch in a daze as Ucchi was the one to go running off after Chitose.

Rubbing Yuuko’s back as she crumpled to the ground and broke down in tears, I kept repeating the words I’m so sorry over and over again in my mind.

What am I doing here? wondered Haru Aomi (that is, me) as I listened to the multitude of shots go bouncing off the rim.

I felt like I had to move my body or my heart would be torn apart. So on my way home, I snagged a ball from the clubroom.

But today, shot after shot after shot, I just can’t get it through the hoop. With every failed basket, thoughts like failure, miss, and pathetic went through my mind.

I started playing basketball when I was in elementary school, and since then I’ve been part of a world that’s all about winning or losing.

Of course, there are clear rules. Every game starts with a jump ball, and until the final buzzer sounds, we run around on the same court and compete for points.

As for how to win points… We all know which shots are worth one, two, or three. And we all know what constitutes a foul.

Every player in the game will fight to win while upholding those agreed-upon conventions.

Some things can affect the game—how everyone’s feeling on the specific day, the team’s momentum, whether they took advantage of the game’s flow—but basically, the scoreboard reflects the difference in skill level between teams.

So it’s generally pretty clear what you need to do to improve.

Maybe you need to get better at shooting. Maybe you lack physical strength, or you run out of stamina in the second half. Maybe your passing needs work. Or perhaps you have an issue with basic tactics.

There’s always a chance of success if you put in the right amount of effort, and as long as you don’t stop, you can always get closer to your goal, one step at a time.

And I…

—I thought love was the same.

It’s just a matter of working hard toward a clear goal—dating the guy you like or even getting married one day.

If you work harder than anyone else, you’ll be rewarded in the end.

All right, so I don’t have a girly personality or appearance, and I’m pretty childish compared to those around me when it comes to beauty and fashion.

But that’s like being short in basketball, right?

I’m used to competing with a handicap.

Many times, I’ve flipped things around to my advantage and won.

But despite that…

“Wait…”

At that moment, I almost cried out.

Wait. Just wait, please.

We haven’t even lined up before the game and shaken hands yet.

The start whistle hasn’t even been blown.

Come on. I was hoping to face off against you.

Of course Yuuko liked Chitose. We all knew that. She was always saying it.

That’s why she would have needed to draw a clear line in the sand if she wanted to call him or chat him up over LINE or invite him to dinner as a potential boyfriend instead of a friend.

She and I have been in the same class for the past two years. She said I was cute. She helped me choose that dress, and that swimsuit for the beach. She taught me about fashion and beauty, two things I suck at. She broadened my horizons. Before I knew it, Yuuko had become one of my most irreplaceable friends. I knew I would have to tell her about my feelings: I like Chitose, too, so let’s fight fair and square.

I thought that would be the starting line…

Hey, Yuuko.

It shouldn’t be this way. This isn’t fair.

You cheated. You cheated, Yuuko!

Yuuko has a lot of things that I lack, as a girl.

She has a cute face like an idol, long hair like in a shampoo commercial, a body that looks soft but well-rounded, big boobs, an innocent smile.

As for me? I’m still figuring out what love is.

It was so great, practicing for Chitose’s big game.

It was an amazing excuse to be near him. Even though we’re in different sports, I was still able to be of some help to him.

I secretly read books about baseball and memorized the rules.

After my own practice, I went alone to the park and tossed baseballs at the wall, just to train myself to be a good partner in our throwing and catching.

I also watched a lot of professional baseball games, even major-league games.

If Chitose decided to return to the team and aim for Koshien, I was going to be by his side, supporting him better than anyone else.

Whenever he was down, I would scold him. Whenever he was tired, I’d give him the push he needed.

But he gave a different answer.

I don’t think he’s ever going to give up baseball completely. Maybe he’s even considering starting over from scratch in college.

I wasn’t planning to question that decision.

But I was left hanging…

If our connection through the practice sessions ended, what possible pretext would there be now for me to be around him?

Will you give me your precious time?

How will you approach me?

Will you need me?

I had no answers to any of those questions.

Someone tell me. What does it mean to give it your all in love?

I had a vague inkling.

I’m not the kind of girl who can color Chitose’s daily life.

The only thing I had to offer was a sports connection…and it was only for a short space of time that I was able to close the distance between us.

I’d told him how I felt. I’d even kissed him.

That was my one and only hand. What cards do I have left now?

My body? Who’d want that when Yuuko and Yuzuki are around?

Should I grow out my hair? Learn how to do makeup? Be more fashionable? Become more of a girly-girl? Focus on my words and attitude?

I could try to be graceful and modest, maybe do something about my lack of sex appeal.

If Chitose wanted me to, I could even learn to cook.

I could read a lot of books and study hard.

What should I offer to grab hold of your heart?

…It’s not fair, Yuuko.

I gritted my teeth, that one thought repeating.

She had the luck to be in Chitose’s class from first year. She’d spent much more time with him than I had, before I even had a chance.

That’s why, when the chance to close the distance finally came around, and when I realized I was in love with him…of course, Yuuko was nearby.

Hey, what if I was more like you, Yuuko Hiiragi?

I can puff up my chest like you and bellow about how much I love him.

I can run up to him all innocent whenever I catch a glimpse of him. Chase after him when I spot him in a crowd. Call him on the phone, just because I want to hear his voice. Go to see him, just because I want to be with him. I can do all that.

Even without inventing some convenient reason, maybe I could still be a special kind of girl—one who could walk alongside a special kind of guy.

I’d never wanted to be like someone else this way.

Yuuko… Yuuko has been so far ahead of me since the beginning.

Now she was going to deny me the chance to go toe to toe with her?

Chitose. I called his name over and over again in my mind.

Are you going to say yes, just like that?

I told you at the beach.

I want you to take notice of me. I want you to see me as girlfriend material.

Someday, I’m going to sign up for a match for real.

And you said you’d be cool with that.

You liar. You liar, you liar, you liar…

Just then…

I noticed Yuuko’s fingers, clenching her skirt tightly. They were trembling. Trembling, even as she waited for Chitose’s response with a soft smile on her lips.

Oh. Oh, I see.

—Maybe I’m the one who wasn’t being fair.

Actually, I figured this out a while back.

There are no set rules in love.

Here I am, whining about my own failures, how he and I hadn’t met at the right time. I’m just like one of those weak players who doesn’t try and attributes their opponents’ skills to natural talent.

Yuuko has always worked hard on improving herself, looking better, being more feminine. So she was able to jump right in and get on with it as soon as she found a guy she liked.

Maybe, that night during summer camp…

“Okay, okay, so does anyone have a crush on someone NOW? Because I have a crush on Saku!”

That kind girl might have given me a chance.

If I’d made up my mind to confess to Chitose and then found the right moment to raise my hand and yell…

But no, I had to go and say…

“Right now, basketball is my only love!”

I was the one who turned away.

Meanwhile, I secretly carried on trying to get Chitose to notice me.

Even worse, I did tell him how I felt—but I was so casual about it that he wasn’t able to give me a proper response.

The truth is…I was terrified.

My efforts were wasted in the wrong places.

It was an impromptu performance with no rehearsals. A tournament you can never join again once you lose.

A first-come, first-served game with no advance warning about your opponent’s score, or the play style, or the start time, or the time limit…

I was terrified. Completely terrified.

I couldn’t take that first step forward.

…You’re amazing, Yuuko.

How could you be so straightforward with him in the midst of all this?

How could you announce your love for him in front of everyone, knowing it might all be over in a few seconds?

How could you bear knowing your crush might call another girl’s name?

And if that girl likes Chitose, too…

“Sorry, Haru. Thing is, I like Nanase.”

Just imagining it was like falling into hell.

Chitose and Yuzuki, shooting loaded glances back and forth in the classroom and waiting at the school gate after club activities to see each other back home. Him coming to watch our practice sessions—but only for my teammate. It wouldn’t be me cheering him on at his big game. It would be Yuzuki.

But Yuuko knew the risks—and she stood up and took her chance.

She was amazing. And strong. And so cool.

Meanwhile…

—I’m just a coward.

Chitose’s answer, Yuuko’s smile and tears—none of it felt like it had to do with me.

It’s like watching the finals of a tournament you failed out of a few rounds back.

I wasn’t a player on the court, a member of the backup team, a coach, a manager, or even on the cheering squad at the venue.

I was just a random spectator, on the other side of the TV screen.

Even if I shouted out all my shoulda-woulda-couldas, no one would hear me.

So I just watched blankly as Chitose left, wearing a smile I didn’t like at all. Then Ucchi ran off without looking back. And I just stood there, like I was draped in a heavy cloth made of “if onlys.”

I wondered if Chitose was back home in his apartment right now.

Maybe Ucchi was beside him, gently holding his hand.

Everyone has conflicted feelings. Yet we all make choices.

I really had no idea.

—I had no idea how painful love really is.

I was getting tired of chasing these balls around.

“Haru.” Yuzuki picked up one off the ground. “Let’s go eat.”

The awful scene I’d pictured earlier crossed my mind, and I shook my head to dispel it.

Wiping my sweat away with my T-shirt, I smiled weakly. “Katsudon’s the only cure for a time like this, huh?”

Yuzuki responded with an uncharacteristically loose smile. “Right.”

I took the sports towel she offered and flopped down on the grass.

Yuzuki followed suit, and we looked at the sky side by side.

There was no sun or moon up there today.

We both reached for each other’s hands and squeezed tight.

What should I have done?

I, Kenta Yamazaki, was walking home, ruminating on that one thought.

We all had such a fun four days, chatting about how summer vacation was still a long way from being over… So why did this have to happen?

I mean… I don’t know the first thing about this stuff. How could I understand?

As far as I can tell, Asano likes Yuuko, but Yuuko likes King. That’s probably why he’s never let anyone know before now.

“If the person who could make them happiest is someone else, especially if it’s a close friend, then I wouldn’t want to get in the way of that.”

I thought back to a casual conversation I once had.

Asano must have figured that if King and Yuuko ended up dating, then it was just one of those things.

He would have accepted that future and supported them both.

I felt a prickling in my chest.

I kinda understood that sentiment.

I can’t really call it love, but it’s an immature feeling—maybe something like admiration.

I mean… I can’t lie and say I’ve never had similar thoughts.

But that feeling is so unrealistic; it’s almost like stanning for the heroine of a light novel or an anime.

So…

—Somewhere in my heart, I thought it would be nice if she could be happy with the hero at the end of the story.

Any way you slice it, that’s the happiest ending.

I think everyone can understand that. Everyone can celebrate a good old-fashioned True Ending.

“Why wouldn’t you make Yuuko happy?”

I almost found myself nodding over what Asano had said.

Yes, it was perfectly natural for King and Yuuko to be together. They made a perfect pair, shining bright.

But now it felt like that perfect relationship was crumbling right in front of my eyes.

King was always so full of confidence, and yet here he was hanging his head and in pain.

Yuuko was always so energetic with that big smile, and here she was openly sobbing.

Even just thinking about it now made my heart break. It felt so much worse than the incident that caused me to become a recluse.

My fingers dug into the front of my shirt, and…

“Why are you making that face, Kenta?”

Mizushino pulled me out of my thoughts as he walked beside me, pushing his cross bike.

After King left, and Uchida ran after him, Yuuko and Asano left, too.

Mizushino and I were the next to go, until the only ones in the classroom were Nanase and Aomi. They’d said they were going to stop by their clubroom.

While I was changing shoes by the entrance, Mizushino offered to walk home with me, which came as a surprise.

“Why…?” I paused for a while. “What you said, Mizushino… Was that how you really feel?”

I decided to just go for it, albeit timidly.

“What did I say?”

Whether he was deliberately dodging the issue or really didn’t know what I meant, Mizushino was acting completely unaffected.

“‘…I don’t feel like covering for you, Saku. You saw this coming a mile away, didn’t you?’”

“Ah, right.” He chuckled, then continued on with his cool-guy expression. “Of course that’s how I really feel, you know? He keeps playing the hero time after time. Of course girls are going to start thinking about wanting to lay a claim to Saku. Sooner or later, a day like today was inevitable.”

I stayed silent.

“He’s completely naive,” he said dismissively.

“Yeah, but…!”

A wave of irritation washed over me, and my voice rose uncharacteristically.

I took a deep breath and looked entreatingly at Mizushino.

“But does that mean it’s all King’s fault?”

When I said it out loud, I finally realized.

I…I…

I can’t believe King was cast out like some kind of lowlife.

I get how Asano feels. And I can appreciate what Mizushino’s saying.

But for me—because of who I am and what I’ve been through—I think they’re wrong.

Yeah, so King can be meddlesome.

He’s pushy, he’s bossy, he puts too much onto his own plate. Naive? Okay. I guess he is.

But…

—He also saved me.

If King wasn’t such a hero, if he didn’t have that savior complex, if he wasn’t utterly incapable of turning his back on someone in trouble—I’d still be locked up in my room.

I wouldn’t have even spoken to Yuuko, Uchida, Nanase, Aomi, Mizushino, Asano, or any of them for the rest of our lives, let alone become friends.

I would’ve spent this summer at home screaming about how much I hated happy couples living their brainless lives. I wouldn’t be trying to change or improve myself one iota. You’re only young once, and I would have thrown that youth in the garbage without him.

And I’m not the only one he helped.

Now, I don’t know all the specifics of the situation with Nanase, but…

Without King, she might have gone to pieces when she was terrorized by that Yan High guy and that creepy stalker.

Aomi might have lost her place in the basketball club.

And even Yuuko…

“I’d never blame Saku for showing kindness to me.”

Ever since that day when she spoke to me through the door, she’d been clear about that.

I mean, if he was the totally self-serving type—like, say he only helped out cute girls—then maybe I’d get it.

Although, I don’t think it’s a bad thing that someone got help in the end, even if your motives are impure. Just from a moral standpoint.

But this was King we were talking about.

The first time I met him, I lashed out at him with selfish resentment and bitterness. But he stuck by me and helped someone who could do absolutely nothing for him in return.

He even offered me friendship.

No. I don’t think this whole situation can be placed on King’s shoulders.

No. I don’t.

I don’t think…I don’t think anyone is in the wrong here.

I clenched my fist and opened my mouth again.

“Hey, Mizushino, listen here!”

But before I could say anything, he interrupted as if he’d been waiting for his cue. “You know, I think…I think you’re right, Kenta.”

“Huh…?” I was caught off guard.

“You wanna sit over there for a moment?”

Mizushino bought a can of black coffee from the vending machine right in front of him.

Then he took out another coin and turned to me. “Pick your poison, Kenta.”

“Uh, no, I’ll buy it myself.”

“Aw, come on. My treat.”

“Uh… Coke, then.”

“You’re the boss.”

He tossed the can to me, and I caught it with a nod of thanks.

We sat down on the edge of the levee.

Mizushino pulled the tab on his coffee. “I guess saying ‘Cheers’ would be in poor taste.”

So he took a swig without further preamble.

I realized I was thirstier than I’d thought, so I chugged my drink as well.

“Kenta…” Gazing vaguely at the flowing water, Mizushino spoke again. “Your impression is that Saku’s not at fault here, right?”

“Right… But I’m not completely sure…”

“Hmm. You’re another person he helped out, right? You’ve been hanging with him awhile, so I guess you’ve been able to get a pretty good read on him by now.”

The corners of his mouth twitched, his expression somewhat melancholy.

I decided we needed to backtrack for a second. “You said something about not being willing to cover for him.”

“I did. I said exactly that. But…,” Mizushino continued, “Well, I also don’t really feel like putting the blame on him, either.”

Finally, I understood what Mizushino was saying.

Thinking about it, Mizushino’s always the calmest one of the whole group.

He’d seen all of this coming, I bet. Heck, I was the last to join, and even I kinda did.

“In the hot spring…” Mizushino put down his can of coffee, stretched both arms, and looked up at the night sky. “Remember I said there’s someone I have feelings for?”

I nodded, hoping he’d get to the end of this rabbit trail, whatever it was.

“Well, it’s Yuzuki.”

“Oh, right. I mean… Wait, what?! What?!”

So much for the pensive atmosphere.

Nanase? And Mizushino?

Hmm. But in terms of their stats… They’re both way OP. So it kinda makes sense.

But I’d always had this weird impression that Mizushino wouldn’t ever fall for any of the girls in our group.

“Are you that surprised?” Mizushino’s shoulders shook, like he was laughing.

“Uh… But…but why haven’t you told King or Asano about it?”

“Hmm, I think Saku guessed already. Not sure about Kaito. I wonder why I haven’t said it openly, though…”

He took another gulp of coffee before speaking again.

“It’s weird and random, but I guess I was just seized by the desire to share this pointless emotion with someone.”

“I didn’t know you had feelings like that, Mizushino.”

To be honest, Mizushino strikes me as someone who’s just hard to read.

Even when he’s goofing around with King and Asano, he’s always so cool. Or maybe detached is a better word—viewing things from a step or so away.

So it was really a shock for him to suddenly confess something this personal.

Mizushino was lying down beside me now as he continued.

“Do you remember when I told you about what sparked the whole thing for me?”

“—I fell for her when I saw her fall for another guy.”

I silently nodded and waited for him to continue.

“Well, it was when Saku and Yuzuki were duking it out with that Yanashita guy from Yan High.”

I wasn’t there, but I heard the details later.

As I recall, Mizushino was tasked with filming the encounter, so we’d have proof that Yanashita dealt the first blow.

“You know, I always thought that Yuzuki was more like me. Refined, sophisticated, moving skillfully through the world and getting what we wanted from people. There’s something inside us both that’ll always be cold.”

Truthfully, even now, I still have pretty much that exact impression of both Mizushino and Nanase.

Of course, I don’t mean it in a bad way; it’s just that the two of them seem more mature than the rest of us.

“To be honest, I think that was a fair assessment until then.”

Mizushino’s voice sounded somewhat nostalgic and a little sad.

“But then she stamped her foot, gnashed her teeth, stared right at this terrifying guy, a kid intimidating enough to scare a grown man… And she yelled: ‘I’m Chitose’s girlfriend! I won’t let you hurt a single hair on his head!’”

He chuckled, shaking his head.

“She was so noble in that moment. Like a queen. It was incredible. I’d never seen anything so beautiful.”

Mizushino’s speech accelerated, as if he couldn’t keep his pent-up emotions inside anymore.

“Well, I was heartbroken in that moment. I became a blushing schoolgirl in love. And of course, it wasn’t me who brought out the true beauty inside Yuzuki.”

“Yeah…”

“After seeing what I saw… I thought, if only Saku hadn’t been the one who reached out to help her. Not that I could ever say as much.”

So that’s what he meant when he said he didn’t want to blame King.

Mizushino twisted to look up at me.

“Well, the rest is history. Any way you slice it…I have no chance of winning. So I stuck a knife in my feelings overnight. Functionally, I’m Team Sakuzuki. And I guess…yeah. I can be cool with that.”

“But…,” I muttered doubtfully. “I know how this sounds, and I’m not saying it should be this way, but…but if the two of them don’t work out, then…you’d have a chance with Nanase yourself, wouldn’t you…?”

Mizushino looked at me sadly.

“Like a certain someone we know, I have my own code for myself. I don’t wanna be the kind of guy who secretly hopes for that.”

Then he smiled. There was something pure and refreshing about it.

Ah. Right.

Asano and I were of the opinion that King and Yuuko would make a happy couple, but life’s full of wishes. Doesn’t mean they’re all gonna come true.

“So,” Mizushino continued, “I get why Saku’s conflicted, and I understand Yuuko’s feelings, and I also get why Kaito’s mad. I don’t think any of them are wrong, really.”

I suddenly remembered what King had said in my room.

“But if it’s someone you actually like and value as a friend who catches feelings and asks you out… Well, it sucks to have to wreck a friendship.”

“No matter how handsome you might be, or how good at sports you are, or how high your grades are, or whatever, it doesn’t automatically mean the girl you like is gonna like you back.”

At the time, I just took it like, Oh, maybe he’s experienced unrequited love before.

Or maybe, he knew that this day would eventually come.

What a sad ending, then.

I wonder how it could have been done better, though?

There’s no way I could understand something that even King himself didn’t.

I let out a big sigh and opened my mouth again.

“But you know…”

There was one thing I still wanted to ask.

“Why’d you speak up right then? It sounded like you had an actual grudge… That doesn’t jibe with what you just told me at all. Or was that just my imagination?”

Mizushino’s eyes widened in astonishment, and then he scratched his head.

“…It was because Yuzuki looked sad,” he muttered softly, looking embarrassed.

“…Pfft-ha!”

I burst out laughing. That was so not him.

“Hey now, Kenta, that’s not nice.”

“I’m sorry, but… Hearing you say something like that… Geh-heh-heh!”

“Okay, so there’s this wrestling move—do you know the soccer kick?” Mizushino lifted himself up and put his arm around my shoulder.

“What?! That’s a headlock!”

After we wrestled for a minute, I spoke again. “I wonder how the others are getting along.”

Mizushino answered without hesitation, in his usual tone. “Beats me. But knowing them, they’ll probably be all right.”

His short response brought to mind various scenarios. I nodded.

I wished I could do something to give back.

Mulling it over, I drank the rest of my rapidly warming cola.

Tap, tap, tap, went the knife on the cutting board.

The water was boiling.

Clatter, clank, went the dancing pot lid.

The familiar and soothing rhythms of cooking were so everyday, so humdrum, that they almost offended the senses.

I, Saku Chitose, turned on my Tivoli Audio and set it to randomly play music from my phone, which was connected via Bluetooth.

From the speakers, the sound of SUPER BUTTER DOG’s “Sayonara COLOR” began to flow.

In the end, I wasn’t able to get rid of Yua, so I ended up going to the supermarket with her and then bringing her back to my place.

This everyday ritual, this routine for the last year, was now accompanied by an indescribable sense of guilt that tightened like a vise in my chest.

While I’m over here doing this, Yuuko has to be…

I wondered if she even got home safe.

I wondered if Kotone came to pick her up.

What if she was wandering the city alone, at night?

I just wanted to know if she was safe.

No matter how selfish and cruel it might have been of me, I just wanted to call her and ask her, “Hey, you okay?”

But I couldn’t do that.

Even so…, I thought.

Is it okay for me to be sitting around, casually waiting for a hot meal while she’s out there?

Shouldn’t I kick Yua out and wallow?

And I should keep wallowing, day after day, until summer vacation is over.

…Wow, look at me. Self-pity city. Yua’s right. I would have done exactly as she predicted, if she wasn’t here.

I sighed.

I just couldn’t make sense of today.

How was I supposed to handle a girl when I’d made her cry?

If I just went back to ordinary life without spending some time punishing myself first, it would be like the time Yuuko and I spent together, the choice I’d made, meant almost nothing.

As I sat on the sofa ruminating…

“Saku.” Yua turned around and called from the kitchen. “I’ve filled the bath with hot water, so why don’t you go and take a soak?”

Her expression was as calm as ever.

Why? I wondered.

Over the past year or so, Yuuko and Yua have always been together.

Not only at school, but also on days without club activities, and on Saturdays and Sundays. I always get texts with shots of them having fun together.

Each time, I’d laugh and think, Wow. They’re really like sisters.

This didn’t make sense.

Yuuko had broken down in tears in front of her friend. Those tears must have affected Yua deeply.

And yet here she was.

“Saku?” Yua said again.

“Ah, right. Okay, I guess I’ll go get in the bath.”

Maybe it was all my fault.

Nanase, Haru, Kazuki, Kaito, and Kenta all stuck around with Yuuko.

Yua put aside her feelings for her best friend, left the cleanup to the other guys, and chased after me when I ran off alone.

Her chest must have been swirling with conflict and regret.

But she was acting like her usual self, so as not to make it too obvious.

I’m…I’m so pathetic.

The least I could do right now is try to avoid causing any further worry for others.

I grabbed a towel and a change of clothes and headed for the bathroom.

“If the day ever came when I had to make a choice…I decided a long time ago that I would choose the one I liked the most.”

For now, I wanted to keep the meaning of those words locked away in the night.

I closed the bathroom door and turned the shower handle, and cool water began to rain down from the high hook where the showerhead was attached.

I put my hand on the wall and dunked my head under the spray.

“…Guh.”

At least I kept from sobbing in front of Yua.

I had a feeling this day would be coming, in the not too distant future, and I thought I was ready for it.

I’d have to confront someone’s feelings, and my own. And I’d have to provide a response.

But the world this spoiled brat imagined was much kinder than the one we live in.

Let’s all share the pain, little by little.

But in the end, we should smile and head toward a new tomorrow.

I never imagined I’d ever even cross a point of no return, much less so suddenly, without any time to prepare. Like a sudden crease had appeared in the fabric of reality.

My cheek stung where Kaito struck me.

It’s certainly not the first time I’ve been rejected by a girl I used to be good friends with. It’s not my first time being hated by people who were my friends the day before.

As I told Asuka, I’m tired of cycles of idealization and delusion. And especially when it comes to girls, I’ve tried to build a wall around me made of shallow behavior and arrogance.

I always knew the end was coming.

Meeting Yuuko shouldn’t have changed any of that.

So then why couldn’t I stop crying?

Why did this hurt so bad? I felt like I was being crushed from the inside out.

It would have been so nice, so easy, if I could say that I liked Yuuko that way, too.

I wished I could take it all back and have that be the reality.

I could start tomorrow as her boyfriend and walk the usual path home with more nervous fidgeting than usual. We could awkwardly hold hands at the park we always stopped at on the way.

If only I could have chosen that future…maybe it would be so much happier.

This happened because it got too comfortable for me, being with you. No…it’s because it was so comfortable that I forgot something important.

That sooner or later, it would end up like this.

When you were someone I couldn’t stand to lose.

“Was Yuuko really nothing to you? Was she worth being discarded in ten measly seconds?”

“…Of course not.”

With a thud, I hit my fist against the bathroom wall.

Yuuko, Yua, Nanase, Haru, Kazuki, Kaito, Kenta.

The days we spent together were so much fun. That was precious to me.

I knew I was coasting on a lot of goodwill, but I kept procrastinating… Just a little longer… Just a little longer…

If I could have… I wanted to keep that lukewarm happiness going forever.

In fact, I kept wishing for it in my heart.

—But.

I had no choice but to deal with the fact that Yuuko had confessed to me—and that I had told her no… And I would be dealing with that when tomorrow arrived.

I needed to move forward, even just one step at a time.

It’d be disrespectful to Yuuko for me to remain so hesitant.

If I was going to regret it so much, why did I turn her down?

Why didn’t I make it a beginning instead of an ending?

I’m sure that, for me, that’s one way of drawing a clear line in the sand.

—Even at this stage, I haven’t come to terms with my own feelings.

I brushed back my hair, lifted my head high, and relaxed in the water.

Like I could wash off these past four days.

And I was not to recall the scent of the ocean, in the middle of the night.

After soaking in the bath for longer than I usually did, I got up and smelled the sweet-savory scent of ketchup on the air.

Looks like I kept her waiting.

I quickly blasted my hair with the dryer, then changed into a T-shirt and shorts.

I pulled back the curtain of the changing room area.

“Did you have a nice bath?” Yua, seated at the dining table, smiled brightly.

Ignoring the pang in my heart, I nodded a little. “I mean, I’ve been in some pretty amazing hot springs the past four days.” Now I was bringing it up of my own volition, and I felt the wounds rip open a little more.

“Right, but isn’t it kinda reassuring to take a bath in your own tub after a trip?”

“Hmm. I think I see what you’re getting at.”

She giggled.

“It’s like being reminded that you’re really home or something. It’s fun while the trip’s happening, but it’s also kind of draining. Then when it’s over, it feels kinda sad. But then you get that rush of relief over being home and finally relaxing all the way.”

“Sorry. I know you should be at home in your own space right now, Yua.”

“It’s okay,” Yua said. “This place is like another home.”

“…Uh-huh.” I went over to the fridge. “Is barley tea okay?”

“Sure!”

I filled two cups with ice and then poured from the big plastic bottle of barley tea we got at the supermarket.

When I brought it to the table, I found two plates of beautiful yellow omelets over rice there, one on either side.

I believe Asuka asked me about omurice once… But I think my preference is for rice with heavy ketchup, wrapped in a thin omelet in the old-fashioned style.

“Huh. It’s been a long time since you made this, hasn’t it?” I said.

Yua lowered her eyes a little. “It’s kind of a special dish for me.”

I was wondering if I should ask her to tell me more, when she tilted her head, looking slightly embarrassed.

“It’s my mom’s recipe.”

“…I see.”

“Mind if I elaborate?”

“Of course not, if you want to.”

At that, Yua began to talk, her voice tinged with warm nostalgia.

“In elementary school, when I got a bad score on a test, or when I had a fight with my friends at school, or when I couldn’t play well at a piano recital…my mom always made this. And she’d draw a little message on it in ketchup.”

“That sounds like a nice memory.”

Yua giggled, smiling softly. “So even now, when I’m having a hard time, when I’m sad or angry, I have a habit of making omurice to cheer myself up.”

“I see. So this is for me.”

To cheer me up, I was about to say, but Yua shook her head slightly.

Then with a faint smile…

“This is for us both. See? It’s the moon tonight.”

Ah yes.

It’s shaped like a waxing moon, I thought.

For some reason, I was relieved that I could catch a glimpse of Yua’s innermost thoughts just from that short exchange.

She really is putting on a brave face, I realized.

I forced myself to make a joke, hoping to lighten the burden for her a little.

“But where’s the ketchup message? Isn’t that the most important part?”

The top of the omelet was still bare and clean, while the ketchup sat right next to it.

Yua’s eyes widened in surprise, and then her expression relaxed slowly. “You want me to write something?”

“Depends what you write.”

“Hmm… How about REPENT?”

“…That joke’s in poor taste, isn’t it?”

Then we both burst out laughing.

My heart felt a little lighter, but at the same time, I was sad that I could still smile on a day like this.

“You know, Yua…”

I took a breath, trying yet again to distract myself from my guilt, but…

“…Never mind.” I changed my mind immediately.

Because “Why haven’t you questioned me about any of this?” makes it sound like I want to be questioned about it. I can’t keep heaping my burdens on her.

Yua placed her hands together and chose not to pry. “Shall we eat?”

I followed her lead. “We shall. Thanks.”

“Here,” Yua indicated, leaning forward, ketchup bottle in hand.

She added a splort of ketchup just to the left of the center of the omelet.

It spread out on the white plate, making the whole thing look like one of those picture-perfect wax food replicas from a retro coffee shop.

After taking a sip of barley tea, I picked up the matte-blue soup cup with a handle.

This was a hearty consommé soup with finely chopped cabbage, carrots, onions, daikon, celery, and bacon. A sprig of dried parsley floated on top.

“Thanks,” I murmured again, scooping it up with a spoon.

After soaking in the bath, I’d cooled myself down again in the shower before I came out, and the soothing consommé flavor and the sweetness of the vegetables gradually warmed me up again.

“…It’s good,” I commented absently, and Yua beamed.

“Really? I noticed you didn’t eat any vegetables at all at the buffet or the BBQ. And I figured you’d be able to handle some soup, even if you didn’t have much of an appetite.”

“Yeah, it’s delicious. Can I put some pepper on it?”

“Seriously, that again?”

I scooped up some of the ketchup on the plate with a spoon and then cut into the edge of the omurice.

When I put it in my mouth, I got a hit of butter, a fairly comforting flavor.

The inside was simple, just chopped chicken and onion.

Maybe it was because of what Yua said earlier.

But for some reason, the sweet-savory taste of the ketchup reminded me of days gone by.

But not when I was a kid.

It was here, in this apartment…

Ah, come to think of it…

The soup cup. The plate.

Originally, I had a mishmash of dollar-store plates, but Yuuko complained that they weren’t cute, and that was how we went to choose new tableware together.

For my birthday last year, she gave me some loungewear from Gelato Pique. I was a little embarrassed by how nice it was, and I didn’t want to ruin it. I’ve been keeping it neatly in the closet ever since.

The coffee cup that I use every day…the multiple sets of chopsticks, even though I live alone…the luncheon mat that I barely use because it’s a hassle…even my hair dryer.

This room is filled with things that Yuuko likes.

And yet here I am, surrounded by her things, eating comfort food…

“…It’s delicious, isn’t it?”

The tears spilled out before I could manage to choke them back.

Ha-ha. Ridiculous.

What, you’re not so devastated that the food has no taste?

You’re able to eat omurice?

Wow.

Once those thoughts started, they didn’t stop.

A thin, transparent film started to form on top of the ketchup.

Drops of water dripping down my cheeks slipped into the edges of my lips, and I tasted salt on the tip of my tongue.

But despite that, I…

I kept my head down and shoveled the food into my mouth.

The spoon hit the side of the plate with an unsophisticated clang.

I was going too fast, and I began to choke.

“Guh… Gack…”

It was delicious. So good. But very, very salty.

Without saying anything, Yua stood and turned up the volume of the music a little.

“Thank you for the meal. Really, it was delicious.”

As soon as I finished eating the omurice and consommé soup, I rushed into the dressing room, washed my face over and over again in the sink, then finally returned to the living room.

“I’ve made better, but thank you.”

Before I knew it, Yua had finished eating, too. Now she was about to carry two dishes to the sink to wash them.

“Oh, I’ll do that.”

“Sure.”

Yua withdrew, since we both had our usual jobs.

I was grateful that she didn’t try to comfort me and just left me alone.

I squeezed some detergent onto a brand-new sponge, then washed the drinking glasses, soup cups, spoons, plates, and so on, starting with the cleanest items first.

Yua once told me that this was the most efficient method.

Rinsing is done at the end, and if something’s very dirty, wipe it off with a paper towel first.

I think it had become a habit before I even knew it.

While you’re at it, clean the sink thoroughly with the old sponge you haven’t thrown away yet.

As I went about my work, my feelings gradually calmed down.

I looked at the clock and realized with a jolt that it was already ten PM.

“Yua.”

“Saku?”

Suddenly, we spoke at the same time.

I held out a hand, signaling her to go first.

Yua nodded and said, “Can I take a bath here?”

“…Huh?”

“Didn’t you hear me? I want you to lend me your bath.”

“No, I heard you very well, and then I wanted to hear it again.”

It was way too late for a young woman to be in a guy’s apartment.

“I’ll take you home. You can have a nice hot bath there.”

Yua tilted her head. “Uh, but I’m sleeping here tonight, though?”

“Oh, I see, then that’s… WHAAAT?!!!”

I was so taken aback that I yelped like a puppy.

“Wait, didn’t I mention that?”

“Hold on… It’s not about whether you mentioned it…”

“It’s okay; I have a spare change of clothes.”

“You thought that far ahead?!”

“While you were taking a bath, I explained things to my dad on the phone.”

“I’m begging you, please don’t tell me something that crazy…”

Yua blinked at me, like I was being ridiculous… And she showed no hint of embarrassment. Almost like she was being intentionally frivolous about this.

I sighed deeply, then…

“There’s no possible explanation that could be given for a girl to stay at a guy’s house. A guy who isn’t even her boyfriend.” I had to state the obvious.

Yua laughed a little. “Aw, Saku. You treat me like a real girl.”

“How else should I treat you?”

“As your mom? Someone who cooks you dinner?”

“Listen here…” I slumped my shoulders. “Please. I’m not in the mood to talk about girls like that.”

However, Yua pretended not to know what I was saying. “You let Yuzuki stay over, though.”

“Well, there were extenuating circumstances…”

That’s right; I remembered the scribbles Yuzuki drew on my neck, as a prank…

“You know,” Yua said, scratching her cheek.

“Since this isn’t the first time, don’t you think it’s a bit too late to be making a fuss about it?”

“…”

I didn’t know what to say to that.

Yua peered at me. “If you don’t want me here, wanna try kicking me out?”

She didn’t wait for my reaction before she continued. “I’d turn you down either way, but just to check, you don’t feel guilty, do you?”

“That’s not what I’m worried about.”

I’m not some kind of lowlife who’d abandon all rationality just because a girl was staying over. Especially not on a day like today.

But sleeping in the same apartment seemed like a serious betrayal.

Even though I’d already committed the ultimate betrayal.

“Saku, you probably won’t be able to sleep tonight anyway. Sure, I’ll be staying over, but we’ll just be here chatting like it’s any other visit.”

It was like she’d been reading my mind.

“But why…why go to all this trouble…?”

“I told you, didn’t I?” Yua said, gazing straight at me.

“Just like you did for me that day. This time…I’m going to be the one who’s with you, Saku.”

She smiled, and I thought I saw pity in it.

I couldn’t say anything more.

“Well, then,” said Yua, picking up her own bag. “I’ll borrow your bath.”

“…I’ll take a walk until you’re done.”

“All right. I’ll be about an hour.”

I nodded, stuck my smartphone in my pocket, and left the apartment.

Outside, it was still slightly humid and warm.

Up until a few hours ago, I’d been smelling the sea breeze. Now the familiar scent of the riverbank tickled my nostrils.

Crick crick, chirp chirp. The sound of the insects created a very specific atmosphere.

The night had grown awfully thick.

I had an inkling as to why Yua was being so stubborn.

That was why I wanted to keep my distance. But in the end, I caved.

What am I doing?

It sucked—really sucked—and I knew I shouldn’t be doing it, but I wasn’t able to stop myself from crying in front of Yua.

No matter how desperately I tried to act cheery, I kept seeing Yuuko’s smile, her tears, hearing her words in my mind. And I lost the ability to judge what’s right and what’s wrong.

I realized my phone was buzzing, and that it had been for a while now.

Nanase had sent me one LINE message, and Haru had sent a whole bunch.

But I wasn’t brave enough to open those messages now.

I could imagine what they said well enough.

It would be nice if they sent things like, “It’s okay,” or “Don’t worry about it.” But thinking of Yuuko again…I realized I didn’t want to see that.

While I was thinking…

—Brrrrr.

Now my phone was buzzing continuously, letting me know I was getting an incoming call.

I was just thinking about how I was going to opt out of answering (sorry) if it was Nanase, Haru, or even Kenta, but then I blinked and looked at the display again.

Asuka Nishino, it said.

“Asuka?” I muttered to myself.

After that trip to Tokyo, we’d started communicating over LINE, but this was the first time I’d received a sudden phone call.

I wondered if something was up.

Nanase and the others knew the current situation, so they’d understand if I didn’t answer.

But if I left Asuka hanging…

And what if…what if it was an emergency?

I couldn’t ignore it. I hesitantly tapped the display…

“Evening. It’s a beautiful moon tonight.”

…but her voice was completely calm.

“Uh… Yeah.” I managed an answer of sorts.

“Huh?! I’m sorry; were you busy?”

“Uh, I was just taking a walk. What’s wrong?”

After a short silence, Asuka spoke.

“…Nothing’s wrong. I was just wondering what’s up.”

It was an unusual and uninformative response.

While I was contemplating how to answer…

“Do I need a reason to call you?” Asuka sounded somewhat uneasy.

I tried to be as bright as possible. “I just got home, took a bath, and ate dinner.”

I guess I performed well. Asuka’s voice was peppy when she spoke again.

“I see! Well, what did you have?”

“The kind of old-fashioned omurice a certain person favors.”

“Nice. So you cooked for yourself, right after coming back from summer camp?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess I did.”

I’m sorry I’m being so evasive.

“Okay then, once I’ve learned how to cook meat-and-potato stew, the next on the list is omurice.”

“…It’s surprisingly difficult.”

“Hey, you’ve been acting like I’m useless lately, you know?!”

“Nope, you’re still the same older girl I look up to.”

“………”

Suddenly, the conversation ground to a halt.

“What happened?” Asuka said.

“What? Nothing happened.”

“Liar!”

Ah, it was going so well, I thought, giving in to the inevitable.

“I’m just a little tired. You’re being weird, Asuka.”

“Hey, it’s a new moon tonight, you know.”

One of the first things Asuka said to me came back to me then.

“If everything was all normal with you, then you’d be like, ‘Would that we could meet, but alas’ or something, wouldn’t you?”

“Sorry. I was just surprised by your call, so I was being glib. Anyway, I really did want to look at the night sky tonight.”

“All right, well enough of the usual sarcasm and snark. It’s obvious to me that something happened. So come on, spill it to me. Didn’t I tell you I wanted to talk about as much as I can with you in the time we have left?”

“But…” I fumbled for words.

“Hey, you’re not mincing words on my behalf here, are you? Like, you don’t want me to get involved, or you’re worried that telling me might wreck my mood? You know…” Asuka’s voice was a little sad. “Being left on the outside of the mosquito net really sucks. I mean, we have a one-year age gap. I don’t know anything about your life at school. It might be selfish of me, but I’m always worried something big’s going to change right out of my reach, and by the time I find out about it, it’ll be too late. There are times when the wounds you don’t know about go deeper than the ones you do know.”

“Asuka…”

“I don’t want that to happen again!”

I heard a sharp intake of breath, and her voice softened again.

“I don’t want to see you playing baseball again when nobody told me anything.”

Oh, I see.

That day…on the baseball field… That’s how Asuka felt.

…

I’m really sick of my selfishness.

Of course, I was planning to tell Asuka about the baseball club.

But I wanted to be fully prepared when I told her, “Hey, I’m going to play in a game, so make sure you come watch.”

Because when we met again in high school, all she saw was me sulking.

I wanted to show her that I was facing the game I loved again.

…But thinking about it from Asuka’s perspective…

Despite all our talks, it would have looked like I’d just decided to go off and play baseball again on a whim, leaving her out of it completely and goofing around with my classmates.

Yeah, I could see how she took it like that.

Hey, I did it again. Without even realizing it, I’ve hurt someone I…

“All right. I don’t know if I’ll be able to explain it that eloquently…”

“I don’t need it explained eloquently. Just tell me what happened in whatever words you want.”

I took a breath, mentally going back over those days spent with Yuuko.

After I finished telling her everything…

“I’m sorry.” Asuka’s response was brief.

“I’m sorry, too. About the baseball.”

“It’s okay. I know you had your own reasons. You weren’t in the wrong. We just misunderstood each other…”

After a short silence, I heard the sound of swallowing, the clink of ice in a glass.

In the background, I could hear Bump of Chicken’s “Embrace” playing low, so as not to drown out the call.

“I wish I had some good words to give you right now.” Asuka forced a laugh. “It’s no good, though. Whatever I say is going to sound trite.”

She was putting herself down, but I…

For some reason, I felt like I’d been saved.

No doubt, she’d imagined the whole story unfolding almost as if it was all happening to her. And this girl, who valued the importance of words more than anyone else I knew, was now at a complete loss.

I was helpless in a maze with no exit in sight, and I felt like I had a little bit of affirmation that things really were as dire as they felt.

“It’s tough, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. It is.”

I let my weakness show after fighting so hard to hide it from Yua.

When that song was over, we said good night to each other.

After ending the call, I stood there motionless for a long time. Maybe even a few minutes.

I, Asuka Nishino, was snapped back to reality by the sound of my phone dropping onto the bed.

I was the one who’d pushed him to talk, but I still hadn’t wrapped my head around what exactly he’d said yet.

I noticed it right away, the desolation in his voice. I’d wondered if it was my imagination when he started goofing around as usual, but the more we talked, the more certain I was that something was off.

You’re always like that. You stick your neck out for others with no regard for who or when.

I’d assumed he’d been up to more of his usual schtick.

So I figured, Hey, I’ll be Big Sis Asuka and make myself useful.

I…I…

I’ve been so naive.

The time we spent together during summer camp was so amazing…and even though it was only for a brief time, it felt like we were actual classmates. When we got home, I was on edge, though.

I wanted to hear his voice even more. I wanted to talk even more.

I want to go back over each and every moment to make sure that these four days weren’t some kind of summer mirage.

So there I was, floating up off the ground…

Meanwhile, this whole other thing was unfolding.

It was over and done before I even knew it was happening.

Hiiragi’s determination, the confusion of the others, Asano’s anger, the tears I know you cried. It all happened without my involvement.

Hey.

Why did I have to be born before you?

Why aren’t you my classmate?

That’s the only thing I would have needed, and I could have been a main cast character.

I could have jumped in and confessed my feelings to you first, before you got a chance to respond to Hiiragi’s. I could have been there to stick up for you with Asano. I could have been the one to run right after you when you split from the classroom.

—But I wasn’t even given the chance to make those choices.

I’m so jealous of Uchida and Nanase and Aomi. It feels like my soul is filling up with dank mud.

I could easily hate Hiiragi.

You girls are so lucky to be his classmates.

Even if you confess your feelings all in a rush and get a disappointing response, the new term will start again once summer break is over.

You’re going to have to see him every day. After all, you’re classmates. You’re friends.

Any bitterness will soon disappear, and you’ll be hanging out like normal all over again before long.

And as you continue to spend time together, you might get another chance one day.

Maybe even far into the future, during a class reunion or something.

But I’m a year ahead.

If I try and fail, even once, it’s over for good.

It’s not like we have close friends in common. We don’t always have a specific place or opportunity to meet, and we don’t have an inseparable bond.

The moment I try for your heart and miss…

…That’s it.

The moment I realized that, I was terrified.

This wasn’t some hypothetical scenario.

One single misstep.

What if you’d accepted Hiiragi’s feelings?

Then that call just now would have been a good-bye call.

“Yuuko and I have started dating. I can’t meet up with you one-on-one anymore, Asuka. But let’s chat every now and again at school, okay?”

I hate that.

I can’t stand the thought of it.

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!

When I decided to go to Tokyo for university, I’d thought I was prepared for not being able to see him anymore.

I’d come to terms with not being his wife someday, or so I’d thought.

But in a corner of my mind, I let my imagination run away with me…

We’d message back and forth every day over LINE, talking about my new life… Maybe call each other once a week or so… And when I came back to Fukui in the summer, we’d go on a long-anticipated date.

Maybe you’d even come to Tokyo.

This time, I’d play the part of the older sister and show you around, have you stay at my place and feed you the meat-and-potato stew I’d specifically learned how to make.

It was lost time that could never really exist in the first place.

Yeah. This is the truth about me.

—Even though I was prepared to live apart, I wasn’t prepared to leave you, at all.

I know, it’s not Hiiragi’s fault.

She just summoned up her courage.

We traveled together, slept in the same bed in the same hotel.

What am I doing, blaming Hiiragi for stealing the lead? I stole the lead ages ago.

If we’re not classmates, and we have no opportunity or reason to meet—if there’s no thread tying us together—then I’d just have to build my own thread.

I need the single golden ticket that gives me the right to be with you: the girlfriend ticket.

But…even so…

Thinking back on it now… Back when I was that shy little girl, you came to visit me in the summer and took me to all kinds of places.

Thinking back on it now… After we met again in high school, you’d seek me out and sit down right beside me.

Thinking back on it… You’ve been leading me by the hand all this time.

I don’t have the slightest idea of how I can take the initiative. How can I take hold of you and turn you my way, when it seems like you’re on the verge of leaving?

Don’t go, don’t leave me, don’t leave me out.

I don’t want to feel sad every time summer comes.

Not after a miracle brought us together again.

Let’s go on adventures together, again and again.

Take me to the festival again, like you did that day.

“Saku…” I hugged my pillow tight.

Everyone’s out there standing under the spotlight, yelling, “Here I am! I’m here!”

They’re living out their respective stories and holding their happy endings in their hearts.

Even right now, I wish I could have asked him one thing.

Hey. Who was the one who made you omurice while you sat crying…?

After the phone call with Asuka, I, Saku Chitose, took a walk to kill some time, and after an hour or so, I returned home.

I’d thought that moving my body would distract me a little, but it just made the ruminating worse.

I should have taken my baseball bat if it was going to end up like this. I could have broken a decent sweat and then just taken another bath.

If I’d concentrated on my swing, I wouldn’t have been in my thoughts so much.

I pressed the doorbell. Ding-dong.

Immediately, there was a clattering inside, and the door swung open.

Yua had changed into blue satin pajamas covered in little white stars.

“Why’d you ring?”

I frowned at her.

Her hair, which she usually wears in a side ponytail, was loose.

“I guess you wouldn’t be freaked out either way, but I figured just in case.”

If by any chance I caught her in the middle of changing clothes in the living room, I’d be sleeping on the balcony tonight.

“Hee-hee. Well, thanks for your concern.”

She held the door open for me, and as I passed by her, I suddenly caught a whiff of a scent that struck me as significant in two ways.

That was the shampoo I always use. And it was the shampoo Yua insisted I buy.

When I took off my shoes and entered the apartment, trying to shake off the mood that seemed stuck to me, the smell of strong coffee reached my nose.

“Would you prefer it hot or iced?” said Yua, squatting down to straighten my Stan Smiths. “We didn’t get a chance for after-dinner coffee earlier, see.”

She said it so casually that I felt my shoulders relax a little.

“But it’s already almost midnight,” I said.

The clock read just before eleven thirty.

“Sorry. I figured you wouldn’t be sleeping much even without coffee…”

“No, it’s okay… Can I have mine hot?”

“Black, right? No milk?”

“…Yeah.”

She read my mind again.

I tuned my Tivoli to a frequency I liked and sat down on the sofa.

Yua placed two mugs on the coffee table and sat down beside me.

We both took our coffee black.

“You don’t have to stay up with me,” I said. “Why don’t you have some hot milk or something?”

She gave me a devilish little grin. “I have to stay up and keep an eye on you, at least until you go to bed properly.”

“You don’t trust me at all, do you? You don’t need to worry. I won’t be able to sleep right away after drinking this, but I’ll lie down and close my eyes at some point tonight. That’s what I promised you, after all.”

“Then I guess we’ll have to move the sofa again.” Yua turned to me. “Let’s keep chatting until one of us falls asleep.” She smiled, the corners of her eyes crinkling a little.

“Like I keep saying, you don’t need to stay up with me.”

“No, I won’t be able to sleep right away anyway. Besides, I was very relieved at the time.”

“I see. Well, you can use the bed.”

“Even if I say no, I guess you’ll keep insisting. So I’ll take it gladly.”

The air filled with slurping sounds as we sipped our coffee together.

“I think I feel a little better,” I muttered to myself. “I wonder how she’s doing right now.”

Obviously, Yua knew who I was referring to. “Probably still crying,” she said without hesitation.

“Don’t sound so callous…”

But whose fault is it anyway? …I mean, I guess that’s true, but I was curious about her indifference.

“No point ignoring the obvious facts. Yuuko’s crying, you’re suffering, and I’m here. We all made our own choices.”

“…I guess so.”

Yua’s been like this ever since our talk by the riverbed.

“The other day, I met Kotone,” she said.

“Yeah, I heard. Yuuko acted like she was annoyed, but I think she was actually pretty happy about it.”

Just picturing that made my chest hurt again.

“When Yuuko went to the bathroom, Kotone told me a little bit about her childhood. When I saw the two of them, they seemed to get along really well. To me, they looked so close, like friends, or sisters. It was so wholesome. I thought it was nice she had a family like that.”

When I glanced over at Yua, I saw that her expression had shifted to one of total calm.

“Yeah. I’ve been over for dinner several times. I had the same impression.”

“At the time,” I said, taking a sip of coffee, “Kotone told me that she was relieved to know that Yuuko had me in her life. And I told her I’d always be around. As her friend.”

“…I see.”

“So that’s another promise I’ve broken.”

Yua shook her head. “Yuuko was the one who tried to change your current relationship. You did your best to stay her friend. Anyway, Kotone said the same thing to me. She said she wanted me to help dress Yuuko for her coming-of-age ceremony. She said she hoped that Yuuko and I would always stay friends.”

She trailed off for a moment.

“But…the way I feel about Yuuko right now…”

For the first time, Yua’s voice trembled slightly.

Oh, right. I kinda guessed.

I stood up and turned up the volume of the Tivoli, just like Yua had done earlier.

Then, for a while, we listened to an unknown piano sonata on the radio.

Still, Yua didn’t let me see any tears.

“Mom… Oh, Mom…”

I, Yuuko Hiiragi, sat on the sofa in the living room. Only the overhead light was on. I was clinging to my mother, who sat clutching a glass of wine in one hand.

In the end, Kaito ended up silently walking me home.

I didn’t even have the energy to take the keys out of my bag. When he rang the doorbell, Mom came out and saw me with Kaito. I think she knew immediately that something was up.

“Thank you for bringing Yuuko home. Um, I’m afraid I don’t know your name…”

“I’m just a classmate. Well, see you around.”

And Kaito turned and walked off.

I really should have thanked him, but I was so relieved seeing my mom, and the tears welled up all over again.

She didn’t say anything, just took me to the bathroom and brought me a change of clothes and a bath towel.

I was standing there like such a zombie that Mom almost started undressing me herself. So I snapped out of it and told her, “It’s okay. I can do it myself.”

After that, I took a shower, then soaked in the bathtub and thought about all kinds of things. Eventually I started to boil, so I got out of the bath and did my usual skin care routine, even though it seemed pointless now. Finally, I carefully dried my hair.

When I returned to the living room, Mom was waiting on the sofa.

Dad should have been home by now. Maybe Mom asked him to go upstairs to spare me the awkwardness.

Mom patted the sofa beside her, and I sat down.

She put her glass on the coffee table, then poured some Welch’s grape juice into a second glass for me.

“Take your time, Yuuko.”

“…”

And then I told her, all in a rush, about the events of the past four days. About my confession to Saku and his response. About my true feelings, the ones I hadn’t been able to tell anyone. I told her everything as my voice broke.

“Mom… It’s all over.”

She patted my head a couple times. “I see. You did everything you could, Yuuko.”

Then she stroked my hair gently.

“Did I…do the wrong thing? Did I just run off a cliff like a giant idiot?”

Mom took a sip of wine. “Well, as far as a romance tactic goes, yeah, you messed it up.”

Her blunt reply made my vision go white for a second.

“Mom! That’s horrible! You didn’t have to say that…”

“But you know it yourself, Yuuko, don’t you? You knew that if you confessed now… Well, it was never going to go well. You knew it was still too early.”

“…Yeah. I knew. But there are so many other girls around that probably like Saku, too. And some of them are my best friends! I just didn’t know what to do…”

“If it was me…I would never have done what you did, Yuuko.”

Mom was giving it to me straight.

“I guess… I guess you’re right…” My voice faded to a whisper.

“But you know…”

Mom looked at me, with infinite kindness in her expression.

“I’m proud of you. You’ve grown up to be an earnest girl. You really cherish the people important to you.”

Mom paused for a moment. Then…

“I’m so glad you’re the way you are, Yuuko. Thank you for being my daughter.”

Mom grinned.

I…I just…

“Really? You don’t think I’m the worst? I hurt the people I love—my best friends.”

And Mom said…

“—I’m sure the people in your heart will tell you.”

I drew my knees up on the sofa and hugged them, and my tears spilled down my cheeks again.

After drinking coffee and brushing my teeth, I, Saku Chitose, joined forces with Yua to drag the sofa into the bedroom.

We just needed to be close enough to chat, so I positioned it a little away from the bed.

I set the shut-off timer on the Tivoli in the living room, turned down the volume, and clicked off the air conditioner.

Yua called to me from the bed.

“It’s okay. I have a blanket.”

I run pretty hot, so I always have the air conditioner running at a low temperature.

On the other hand, Yua, who tends to run cold, sometimes pulls out a hoodie from my closet and puts it on when she’s over.

“No, I’ll point the fan at myself. Besides…” I opened the window that led to the balcony. “It feels more comfortable like this.”

The curtains filled with air, and a quiet midnight breeze stole into the room.

It had gotten much cooler outside.

Lying down on the sofa and closing my eyes, I smelled the summer grass.

But I was still wide awake. No escaping into dreams just yet.

I could hear Yua tossing and turning.

Glancing over at the bed, I saw her lying on her side, her cheek resting on the pillow.

“Let’s talk about something.” Yua clutched the edge of the blanket with both hands as she spoke.

“You’re seriously going to stay awake with me?”

“I told you. I don’t think I can sleep, either.”

“I see.” I turned on my side, too. “But having a cozy bedtime chat alone with you feels…”

“Unfair to Yuuko?”

“Yeah.”

Yua giggled, shaking the bed. Her hair, unbound by its usual scrunchie, spilled over. “It’s weird. You know, Saku, you’re the one who taught me what to do in a situation like this.”

“Huh…?”

With a tender expression, Yua said…

“—Let’s talk about Yuuko.”

She smiled softly.

“That way, it doesn’t seem like we’re discounting the time we spent together. It doesn’t sound like we’re turning our backs and saying we never should have met. It’s almost like it’s the three of us here, having a fun sleepover together.”

I blinked.

Right… Yua was talking about that time when…

“Okay. Then tonight, the three of us will sleep lined up next to each other.”

I finally gave a real smile.

“She hides it well, but Yuuko’s the type to get lonely easily, huh?”

I propped up my cheek with my elbow on the pillow.

“Oh, totally!” Yua laughed and continued. “Yuuko often comes to your place, but when I do the same thing, she’s always like, ‘Hey, Ucchi, no fair!’”

“Well, the reverse is true. She’s often like, ‘Why is it that Saku’s the only one who gets to eat Ucchi’s special homemade omurice, huh?’”

“She’s so pretty, and friends with everyone, but sometimes she gets insecure. Like if I’m not talking much, she’ll be all, ‘Ucchi, are you mad at me?’”

“And when I went shopping with her, we went to Hachiban’s after, and I had just a regular spicy ramen. And she was all, ‘Saku, are you tired? I’m so sorry for making you hang out so long. I mean, usually I have a double helping of ramen.’”

“Hee-hee. Yuuko’s so innocent. She lives in tune with whatever she’s feeling. One time, I didn’t have any side dishes in the fridge, so my lunch bento was just rice with furikake, pickled plums, and one omelet. I was super embarrassed, so I tried to hide what I was eating. And Yuuko was like, ‘Open wide, Ucchi’ and shoved some of her food in my mouth. I just know she noticed.”

“I know what you mean. Normally, Yuuko acts pretty selfish, right? She’s not the type to agonize over things. She just tells it like it is, and her charm makes up for the rest.”

“Yeah, totally. Like, ‘Hey, there’s a new shop in front of the station, so let’s go there right now.’”

“Yeah. Or ‘I bought so many clothes today! I’m gonna hold a fashion show at your place right after this, Saku.’”

“Oh, that’s so Yuuko. What else?”

“Around this time last year…you weren’t hanging with us on the daily yet back then, Yua, but this was when I was down-and-out after quitting baseball.”

“I know. I think I mentioned before how I saw you practicing for games over the summer at the sports field.”

“Right, you mentioned that when we went to Kenta’s house… Wait, during summer vacation, I…”

“Now, now, that’s not the part to focus on here.”

“Right, well anyway, I couldn’t talk to Yuuko, Kazuki, or Kaito about what really happened. But around then, Yuuko stopped being so selfish. It was summer vacation, so usually she’d be all over me about hanging out, but there was none of that. Instead, she sent me perky messages over LINE every day, with pics and stuff. Like a sunflower she’d seen on her walk home, or a pretty sunset, or the moon when it was really big in the sky. Stuff like that.”

“Sounds like she was aware that you were going through something.”

“I think so. When I came through the worst of it, she dragged me all over the place. It was way more than before.”

“Yeah, and by that time, I’d started hanging with you, too.”

“Yeah, that’s right…”

Would we…

Would Yuuko…

Would my best friend, Yuuko…

…ever be…

…ever be…

…with me, Saku…

…with me, Yua…

…ever again?

…ever again?

We spent the next little while with memories of Yuuko.

We didn’t think about anything else.

Like looking for pretty seashells on the beach, like counting the stars one by one, like chasing a contrail at dusk, like running away from a tomorrow that has already arrived.

We were afraid—that if we fell asleep, we’d be locked out of the world of yesterday, never able to put things right again.

I think we were both quietly hoping that if we kept talking like this, all night, then Yuuko would suddenly appear, and summer vacation would continue as if nothing had even happened.

I think we were both trying to prepare for what came next.

—But the future would arrive no matter what.

“Hey, Yua?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you think I can make it up to Yuuko and Kaito?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think it will ever be the same again.”

“I guess that’s true.”

“Hey, Saku?”

“What?”

“Do you think Yuuko and I can still be friends?”

“I don’t know. Not without changing something, at least.”

“I guess that’s true.”

So for now, for just a little longer.

Let’s pick up beautiful candy balls, rolling around at the bottom of a box of midnight.

Let’s let the color of our sorrow run its deep-blue course.

So that, someday, we can walk through the twilight again together.

CHAPTER 6

Us Two Together with No Moon in Sight

—In the spring, at sixteen years old, I, Yua Uchida, entered Fuji High School.

To be honest, I was surprised when I got the top score in the entrance exam and was tasked with delivering the commencement address as the new student representative, but I was on board with the idea.

In junior high, I got the top test scores.

That said, I’m no genius.

It’s not like I can understand all the concepts just by skimming through the textbook, and I can’t rattle off a bunch of correct answers to complex problems I’ve never seen before.

Like most kids, I didn’t like studying when I was little.

I had much more fun playing the piano and flute, which my mother encouraged me to do, and my report cards were generally only just above average.

But sometime in the fourth grade, I made up my mind that I’d work hard and help my family stop worrying. I started studying and working hard to prep for my classes until late at night, every night.

Meaning the practice of studying for entrance exams has always been part of my daily routine. I’ve just spent more hours than most doing it.

Things might be different when it comes time for college entrance exams. But so far, at least, I’ve managed to get high scores on every test just by studying hard and memorizing well.

Just by working your way steadily through books of practice problems, you can pick up the important vocabulary, figure out the standard procedures for answering questions, and learn the patterns.

I spent more time doing that than most people, so as a result, I got better grades than most people.

I’ve never thought of myself as smart.

What I do is make sure that when I take a test, many of the questions are at least familiar. In the end, it’s not much different from having the answers in advance.

But occasionally, when I’m up against a problem that requires flexible thinking and responsiveness, I make careless mistakes, even when I try to think through things methodically.

So am I what people call a hard worker?

I wouldn’t exactly say that, either.

In terms of pure process, sure, I’m diligent.

But I lack motivation and drive. I didn’t study because I wanted to be good at school.

My motivation was always about not giving my family any reason to worry about me.

Also, I just didn’t have friends, so the time that might have gone to socializing was saved for studying instead.

In fact, I studied because I had nothing better to do, so I feel guilty trying to pass it off as some sort of decisive effort on my part.

Way back, I did have some friends in school, and in music class.

We weren’t close enough to be called good friends, but when we ran into one another, we would chat and eat lunch together.

At least, I don’t remember being alone.

But when I entered fourth year, I made up my mind to study hard.

One by one, my friends disappeared.

We didn’t argue or fall out, and I wasn’t bullied.

It was just that everyone else found other friends they vibed with better, and they prioritized spending time with people who weren’t me.

I don’t think anyone really knew what to do with me.

For a long time, I’ve been aware of the fact that I’m considered “plain.”

I’m not that good at talking, and I’m not perky and outgoing, so I spent a lot of time with the quiet kids in class.

I wasn’t savvy to trends or fashion, and that was around the time I started wearing glasses, too. In fact, I actively tried to distance myself from fashion and so on.

When I had nothing better to do, like during breaks at school, I just studied.

Before I knew it, I was cast in the role of “quiet honor student.”

I’m a little hesitant to say it myself, but everyone in my class put me on a pedestal a bit as one of the smart kids.

I would let other kids sneak a peek at my homework when they came to class having forgotten to do theirs. And before tests, the popular kids would come to me to borrow my notes or ask me to explain problems they didn’t understand.

I wasn’t the type to tell people, “You’ve got to do it yourself,” so I tried to help them as much as I could.

Tutoring others helped me understand, too, so I never felt like I was being taken advantage of.

And so it continued for a long time.

Before I knew it, a transparent wall had formed around me.

People would crowd around me and call my name, but it was like they were talking to a walking puppet who’d been designated the perfect, subdued honor student.

No one wanted to get to know Yua Uchida. No one wanted to get inside Yua Uchida’s heart. No one wanted to be friends with Yua Uchida.

It was very comfortable for me.

I was able to study more than ever, but now I had to shoulder the burden of the role.

—Because I wanted to be a normal girl, more than anyone else in the world did.

I wanted to be someone who doesn’t stand out too much. Someone who doesn’t need to have a ton of friends, or any really close friends. Just someone who doesn’t look lonely and pitiful. Effortless, riding the breeze of school life. That’s what I wanted.

I liked having clear boundaries around me, though.

Eventually, when I entered junior high school, my title of “quiet honor student” faded. And once I started getting treated like “a good girl who helps everyone else study,” I felt like I’d gotten what I wanted.

You might be like, what does a kid know? But really, just living a normal life was enough for me.

I didn’t get any great fortune, but at least I escaped the fate of being shoved to the bottom.

Sure, I wasn’t showered with adoration from everyone around me. But I could avoid causing any pain to those I cherished.

It’s fine like this. This is what I want.

Please let it continue like this, in high school…

Within a few days of admission, much sooner than I expected, I was once again treated as a quiet honor student by my classmates.

Unlike in junior high school, where students were automatically sorted by school district and many of them graduated from the same elementary school, high school students come from all over the prefecture.

What’s more, this is Fuji High we’re talking about.

I didn’t really want to be the honor student. Honestly, I was fine with being thought of as sort of mousy and plain. But as the first-year class representative with the highest entrance scores, I’d ended up overshooting the mark a little. And I got cast in a role that I quickly grew comfortable in.

My new life at a college prep high school was actually much more comfortable than I’d imagined it being.

And there weren’t any high-octane, ruckus-causing students at Fuji.

The girl sitting next to me said, “You’re smart, aren’t you?” But after we’d talked for a while, she seemed to figure me out pretty quickly. She ended the conversation smoothly, in a way that would avoid any future connection.

As soon as the class started, even the people who’d been standing in the middle of class laughing and chatting were suddenly all quiet and listening to the teacher.

Lots of students here studied during their breaks, too, so it was a relief to find that my natural habits made me normal in this environment.

But one day, in homeroom, there was an incident in which I was actually involved.

Mr. Iwanami, who’s the opposite of what you’d imagine for a prep school teacher, suddenly announced that we were going to choose the class president.

I was like, Uh-oh.

I put my face down so as not to make eye contact with anyone.

There’s a type for the president, you know? In novels, movies, TV dramas, there’s always a good-girl character who wears glasses and acts fussy about rules and so on.

Except for that last characteristic, those all applied to me. So whenever it came time, I was always put forward as a recommendation almost as a matter of course.

Usually someone in the middle of the class would say something like, “How about Uchida? She’s smart!” and everyone would agree.

For example, in this class…

“Yes!”

The very person I’d been expecting to volunteer flung her hand into the air.

—Yuuko Hiiragi.

I know this sounds terrible, but when I first saw her, I was surprised that someone like her got into Fuji High.

She’s as pretty as an idol who just stepped out of the TV screen, and even though she wore the same plain uniform as everyone else, she made it look so stylish. She had everyone’s attention.

But somehow it didn’t seem to have gone to her head at all. She always smiled cheerfully and talked to everyone in a friendly way.

She was the complete opposite of me, in other words.

I’d only known her as my classmate for a few days, but watching her, I started feeling embarrassed for wishing I could be normal.

After all, I’m the definition of normal. Next to someone like Hiiragi, I’d blend right into the background and disappear, no matter how much I tried to fight it.

…So I had a glimmer of hope in my heart.

Maybe she was going to volunteer for the position herself.

If so, I would gladly give her my vote.

However, after a short exchange with Mr. Iwanami, what she ended up saying was…

“How about Uchida? If she’s up for it, of course?”

Ah, those familiar words.

There were casual mutterings of agreement and scattered claps of approval around the classroom.

Yeah. Called it.

I look like the type who loves enforcing the rules, right?

No… That makes it sound more obnoxious than it is.

I’m sure Hiiragi was just saying that I looked on top of it.

“Er, uh…”

I hesitated, but I’d mostly resigned myself to it already.

If you asked me if I wanted to be class president… Well, not particularly.

I mean, I’m not one of those people who relishes taking the lead and demonstrating leadership. And if there was some kind of issue in class that needed hashing out, I’d have to mediate… The very thought made my stomach hurt.

Seeing me hesitate, Hiiragi continued.

“Ah, sorry to just spring it on you. But you were the representative for the new students at the entrance exam, and so I thought you’d be the best option for us all. But if you don’t want to, you can simply say no, okay?”

Her empty equivocation drove me into a corner.

I know she meant it.

But it wasn’t fair for someone like Hiiragi to say it.

Looking at the reactions of the people around me, I saw that the class was already welcoming the idea, and if I turned it down now, people would be left feeling negatively to some extent or another.

And that would affect the normal student life I was after…

I slumped my shoulders and let out a sigh.

So just like I’ve done all my life, I chose the path that was easiest to deal with, the one that wouldn’t make big waves.

“No, it’s okay. If that’s okay with you…”

Hiiragi looked relieved.

Plus, you know, this is Fuji High. I couldn’t see any student squabbles arising. Even if I was the class president, all I’d really be doing was leading homeroom and assisting the teacher.

It’ll be fine. Okay.

Yes. This is all right. It’s cool this way.

I was trying to convince myself, when…

“—Nah, I’m not into it.”

Someone’s voice sounded, quietly but clearly…

““Huh…?””

Hiiragi and I both spoke in surprise at the same moment.

Looking in the direction of the speaker, I realized it was the boy who’d been sort of catching everyone’s attention these past few days. He’d scraped his chair back and was now standing.

As I recalled, his name was Saku Chitose.

Right after we entered this school, he and two other boys had become pals, and the three of them really stood out in class with how much noise they made. So he’d left an impression on me.

And I’d noticed how the girls had giggled and reacted to him, too.

To be honest…my first impression was that he was someone I really didn’t want to get involved with.

In elementary school and junior high, there always were people like this, the center of attention in class.

For boys, they’re usually star players in some sports club or other, like baseball or soccer. Or they’re just really good-looking. Sometimes both.

Some of them were arrogant, but some were kind to everyone. You can’t really lump them all together and dismiss them as jerks.

But the common denominator is that, for better or for worse, they have way too much of an influence on those around them.

When they laugh, when they get mad, when they get a crush on someone, when someone gets a crush on them, when they say literally anything, it affects everyone else, and some people get either really overexcited or completely despondent over them.

—So…why?

If he’d left it alone, I would have become the class president and everything would have been settled.

Why was he interrupting right now?

Especially because Chitose and Hiiragi seemed to get along really well.

I mean, just before class, I saw them standing together chatting animatedly about something or other.

I guess this was a continuation of their banter or something?

But why was he going to the trouble of speaking out against this…?

As I sat there in confusion…

“You know, Hiiragi…”

Chitose continued.

—And then…

I sat and watched the exchange between the two of them as it heated up, and it seemed like the atmosphere was about to darken.

To my surprise, every single word that Chitose spoke seemed to reflect feelings that had been buried deep in my heart.

I was surprised by this, by him…which probably just proves that I had my own unconscious biases.

Like, how could a guy like him understand how it feels to be swept along and cornered?

Then I realized…

“Sorry! I said something selfish!”

Hiiragi was suddenly gripping my hand.

“Oh, it’s okay, I…”

As I spoke, my hand stiffened up, and I flicked my gaze around the classroom.

I’d been prepared to just accept it, but maybe a part of me was secretly relieved.

All of a sudden, a restlessness washed over me.

I squared my shoulders, my breaths coming quicker.

Right. I was pretending not to see it, but the truth is, I’ve felt this way all along—and much more deeply than I myself even knew.

“You too, Uchida.”

Seeing me sitting there frozen and mute, Chitose spoke again.

“You kinda got dragged into it this time, but next time, at least make a face when you don’t want to do something. Then maybe someone’ll notice, and you won’t get into a bad habit of having to fake a smile all the time.”

…Huh?

I was just planning to thank him after this.

I have no idea why, but this person stuck out their neck for me.

Thanks for that, I was going to say.

Then I would introduce myself properly, and even though we’d never really be friends, we could get along as classmates going forward, too.

But…

“—I don’t think you have any right to say such a thing.”

Before I knew it, I was glaring at Chitose.

The rest of the class was watching as I squirmed with discomfort.

I was biting the hand that was trying to help me up.

Why am I doing this? I wanted to ask myself.

I shouldn’t be making a scene and arguing with him. That was the last thing I’d ever want to do.

Especially not with someone who’d been trying to help me. If I wanted to live a quiet, normal high school life, I should really try to stay on good terms with him, of all people.

But while I was thinking all that, he shrugged, as if my words didn’t bother him at all. And he said…

“Maybe not. My bad.”

And then Chitose grinned.

I stared at his childish expression.

Oh, phew, it didn’t turn into a big deal. I’ll just have to make sure I apologize later.

But before I could start thinking anything else rational…

I felt anger boiling up inside me.

—Oh. I’m mad. I’m pissed!

Usually, I never even thought anything like this.

Who the hell is this guy? He’s never even spoken to me. He’s never even glanced my way until today.

And here he is, pretending like he knows everything. Look at him! His whole life has been a walk in the park, huh?!

Yeah, he’s good-looking—not like I’m remotely interested—and sure, he can play sports.

He’s always surrounded by friends. Has this guy ever faced a single moment of inconvenience in his life?

No. That’s how come he can stand up in front of everyone and speak his mind without worrying about backlash.

Biting down on my lip, I scowled at Chitose, who’d moved on from the likes of me and was now putting himself forward for the position of class president.

In my usual rational state of mind, I’d have seen that as a gallant act.

He’d glossed over my emotional outburst and made me inconspicuous again.

But…but…

Even that was pissing me off now.

With just a few words, he’d trespassed into a tender place inside me.

Like the way I’d lived my life until now meant nothing.

And his words showed me…

…that someone had noticed me. That thought kept rattling around in my head.

It made me realize that…I really didn’t like myself all that much.

…What did he know about the reasons I had for my fake smiles?

I was so mad.

I hate people like you.

My heart was pounding with burning hot emotion toward another person. And I thought I’d left all that behind a long time ago.

I didn’t sleep well that night, so the next morning, I left the house early, rubbing my eyes.

The moment I entered the classroom, those words came back to me, and I was irritated all over again.

After about half an hour, the classroom began to fill up. Everyone was calling good morning over my head or behind me.

No one seemed to remember me from yesterday, thank goodness…

“Uchida!”

A voice rang out with my name, a voice that reached every corner of the classroom.

When I looked toward the door, I saw Hiiragi skipping toward me. She seemed to be worrying about something—I wasn’t sure why, but I gave her a greeting in response.

“Good morning, Hiiragi.”

“Yeah! Morning, Uchida.” Hiiragi squatted down by my desk and grabbed my hand. “And I’m really sorry about yesterday, okay?” She gazed up at me, concern in her eyes. “It was all a bit of a mess, so I planned to give you a real apology after homeroom, but you left so quickly.”

Oh well…

That was something unavoidable.

I was so agitated and flustered, I ended up dashing out of the classroom when that homeroom finally ended.

It was a surprise, though, to see that Hiiragi was still hung up on yesterday, too.

I gave her my brightest smile.

“Thanks. But it’s really okay. I was a little taken aback, but you nominated me with pure intentions. I know that.”

“But I never stopped to consider your feelings. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Really!”

As I saw the regret in her face, I suddenly had a thought.

For Hiiragi, this was no doubt an insignificant event, something that wouldn’t really stick with her, but she’d taken my hand in the classroom, after the entrance ceremony…

“Hey, Uchida! Your speech was super good! These kind of things tend to get sooo boring, but what you said actually got to me!”

And complimented me.

For some stupid reason, I felt my eyes growing hot and prickly.

It might have been unavoidable, but standing up in front of the whole class and delivering the address was awful. I wished I’d been able to say no.

But I was the one chosen. So rather than putting together a speech full of trite clichés, I wanted to talk instead about how happy I was to enter Fuji High. About how much I looked forward to high school life, how I hoped that what I had to say might help all the other new students to feel more positive about the upcoming years, too.

Up until the night before the speech, I was tying myself in knots. Maybe no one would even listen to me, maybe my hopes for a normal, pleasant high school life wouldn’t touch anyone.

So it felt like Hiiragi had given my speech the seal of approval.

She really must be an earnest and kind girl, I thought.

I squeezed Hiiragi’s hand back as she crouched there gazing at me with worry in her eyes.

“Well, let’s have a good year together, okay?”

It was clumsy and lacking decorum. Hiiragi was a gorgeous girl, and everyone seemed to love her. No way was she ever going to be a special friend of mine.

But it would be nice if we could chat like this, as classmates, every now and then.

Hiiragi gave me a big smile and said, “Sure! Well then, can I call you Ucchi?”

She sounded so happy.

I smiled awkwardly and scratched my cheek.

I wasn’t used to getting close to people, especially not like this, so honestly, I wasn’t sure how to respond.

“Uh… Um… Well, that might be a little embarrassing.”

“Oh, come on! It sounds so cute. Or would you prefer it if I called you Yua?”

“Wh-whatever’s easier for you, Hiiragi…”

“Ucchi it is, then! Oh, and you can call me whatever you like!”

“For now, Hiiragi’s fine…”

“Aw, that’s so boring!”

“Well… I mean…”

Hiiragi beamed—her expression changed moment by moment.

Hmm, I thought, narrowing my eyes.

How long has it been since I had an interaction like this?

When I was in junior high school, everyone called me Uchida, like it was a foregone conclusion, and I only ever called people by their surnames, too.

That was when my thoughts were interrupted.

“Ah!” Hiiragi stood up and looked to the front of the classroom. “Saku! Good morning!”

The name made me stiffen in my seat.

Since getting home the day before, I had thought about this over and over. There was no world where I didn’t owe Chitose my thanks after that. Still, just thinking about it made me feel all weird inside.

It was the first time I’d felt this strongly toward someone who wasn’t even family.

Hey, didn’t Hiiragi call him by his last name yesterday…?

“Hiiragi and Uchida. Good morning.”

I couldn’t just ignore him now. I lifted my head.

Chitose, one hand raised in greeting, walked over with a big yawn.

I sighed internally.

Look at him, acting all casual. Well, why wouldn’t he be? He didn’t have a thing in the world to worry about.

Still, after preaching to Hiiragi about keeping in mind the influence she had…I thought he ought to be more aware about how his words affected others, too.

If he’d lectured her while fully aware of his own shortcomings…that would make him a huge jerk.

…No, stop it!

Why was I being so combative, even in my own mind?

I had to thank him properly today.

While I was sitting there arguing with myself, Hiiragi spoke. “Hey, Saku! Don’t call me Hiiragi! You make it sound like we’re strangers! Call me Yuuko!”

She spoke as casually as if she’d been discussing the homework.

I mean… She was the complete opposite of me.

I found her request really ballsy… But maybe I was just too old-fashioned?

Chitose laughed, rolling his eyes. “You got super mad at me the other day when I called you, ‘Hey, you.’ Now you want to make it more casual?”

Right, I thought.

Those two were going at it in front of everyone yesterday, even without my involvement.

Actually, I didn’t have time to think about this yesterday, but how come Hiiragi ended up as the vice president?

Meanwhile, Hiiragi was charging ahead. “Okay, starting today you can call me ‘Hey, you’ if you want! Let’s keep it chill, okay?”

“Agh, look…” Chitose looked somewhat confused. He scratched his head, then said, “All righty, Yuuko.”

It was like he was admitting defeat of some kind.

“Okay! Let’s swap LINE contacts later! Oh, and you too, Ucchi!”

“Ah… Okay.”

Startled by the sound of my name, I just nodded and went along with it.

When I looked at Hiiragi, I felt like a fool for spending last night being mad.

I should just say thanks and put this whole matter behind me.

It was thanks to Chitose, 100 percent, that the weirdness with Hiiragi was resolved.

If just one thing had gone differently, I might not have remembered those sweet words she had for me after the entrance ceremony—or the happiness I felt when she said them to me.

Just then, I met Chitose’s eyes. “Morning to you, too, Uchida.”

I felt bad he had to repeat himself after I’d neglected to respond to him.

I took a deep breath, and…

“Um, good morning. I hope you’re having a good day.”

I returned the greeting with a little hesitation.

Chitose stared at me for a moment, then…

“‘I hope you’re having a good day’? What is this, customer service?”

And he burst out laughing.

Suddenly embarrassed, I lowered my eyes. After a whole night of being confused and extremely aware that I shouldn’t get too close, I was being way too formal.

I wanted to melt out of my uniform and into the floor.

I decided to push through. “I mean, I don’t know you very well yet.”

Just get through this, and we would probably never exchange another word the rest of high school.

“Then…”

When I looked up, Chitose was still shaking with laughter, hand over his mouth.

“Once you let your guard down a bit, at least call me by my name. Saku’s fine, or you can stick with Chitose.”

“…”

There he goes again.

Every single thing about him seemed to be pretentious.

Dammit, I was supposed to be thanking him.

If I just smiled and said, “Thank you for yesterday,” that would be the end of the story.

But…but the thought freaked me out.

Next to him, Hiiragi was looking at me curiously.

This boy and girl were so different from me.

They didn’t have to think over and over about the things that had happened. They laughed and had fun when they wanted to. And even when they butted heads with their peers, they’d just make up.

There’s no way either of them would know how it felt trying to be normal.

It’s okay. It’s fine.

My emotions bubbled up again.

A secret little mantra that has sustained me since I was little.

It’s been that way for a long time.

If no one tries to get to know me—if I prevent anyone from getting to know me—sure, I won’t be very happy. But I won’t have to suffer through the pain of having everything fall apart in front of my eyes.

I can get by with a friendly smile, just like I’ve always done.

So before I realized it…

“—I don’t think I like you very much.”

Those words made it through the transparent wall.

Huh…?

What am I doing?

I had no idea why I just said that.

I’m not being formal. It’s just that we barely know each other, so I wasn’t sure how to address you. Also…I’m sorry about yesterday.

Those are the sort of things I should have said.

I’ve never spoken this way to anyone before in my life.

“Er… Uh…”

Seeing me rushing to fix things…

“Yeah, I kinda got that impression.”

…Chitose smiled, a little bashfully.

…Grr!

*   *   *

His attitude pissed me off!

What was he smirking about?

I wish I could have been annoyed. I wish I had some kind of brilliant comeback.

Why was I the only one off-balance?

…Don’t you worry about being disliked?

Is it just because I’m a mousy girl with glasses? Is that why you don’t care?

But then, he acted like this with Hiiragi, too, yesterday.

I don’t understand this person. And it’s so frustrating.

I’ve never had anyone treat me like this before. Like they’re peeling away that label that reads “quiet honor student” and taking a peek at the person inside.

As I sat there, fists clenched, Hiiragi burst out laughing. “Ah, I get it! I totally get it!”

Her reaction was off-script, too, and now I really didn’t know what to do.

“Saku’s sooo annoying, isn’t he? It’s like, hey, who do you think you are?”

“Erm…”

“If you have something to say, I think you should say it, just like I did yesterday. It might do you good!”

I sat there, nonplussed, and then…

“You know, Uchida…”

The boy I disliked was speaking again.

“Why don’t you relax your shoulders a bit? You’re too beautiful to ruin it with a frown.”

Oh, and now a little negging? Come on…

“I don’t care what others think of me.”

…I HATE you!!!

Starting the following day, after Hiiragi and I exchanged LINE details, my life at school became a little more colorful.

Take this one day, for example.

“Hey, hey, Ucchi, where do you usually go shopping?”

“Uh… Maybe at the supermarket. Or Genky.”

“Huh?”

“What? You mean, like, groceries and stuff, right…?”

“No! Definitely not! I mean things like clothes and makeup!”

“Oh, sorry. I don’t know much about those things.”

“Oh, really? Well, let’s go shopping together sometime!”

“Um… I’m not really sure…”

I was happy but also a little worried, if I’m honest.

I had a lot of things to do at home after school and on weekends, and I didn’t want to do anything too far outside my comfort zone.

Take this one day, for example.

“I told my mom about you, Ucchi! And she says she wants to meet you!”

“…Um, thanks. Well, I appreciate the sentiment.”

“Oh, sorry. Of course. It’s a bit sudden. But I hope I can introduce you someday!”

“Yeah. Sure. Someday.”

I was certain that day would never come.

I had no idea why Hiiragi was so chatty with me. But when I paid closer attention, I realized she was chatty with everyone in class.

I’d be comfortable if we could just be classmates who chatted casually now and then.

It was clear to me that Hiiragi was a really nice girl, but I didn’t feel like deepening our relationship any further.

Take this one day, for example.

“Ucchi! Let’s go eat together.”

“But, Hiiragi…you always eat with Mizushino and Asano…”

“Yeah, so let’s all go together!”

“…No, really, it’s fine. Please, don’t worry about me.”

I mean… He would be there, too.

I was certain, at the time, that I’d gotten rid of him for good.

But he kept on talking to me, and he seemed a little confused.

Take this one day, for example.

“Uchida, why are you always so frosty when I talk to you?”

“You’re imagining it.”

“You always smile when you talk to the others. And with Yuuko, you’re a little less stiff. Aren’t you?”

“I just don’t really think we vibe.”

“Hmm. Well, I prefer this to that weird fake smile of yours. It’s like you’re wearing a mask.”

“…You… You’re just so…”

We weren’t even friends. He was so rude!

And more irritating than anything else, he hit me where it hurts.

Take this one day, for example.

“Uchida, would you mind explaining this problem to me?”

“Actually, I would mind.”

“Ah! Now you’ve added irritation to your repertoire.”

“Yes. Thanks to you.”

“Now, now, don’t flatter me.”

“You realize I don’t like you, right?”

“Well, that doesn’t bother me. I don’t take these things personally, y’know?”

“…You don’t even know the first thing about me.”

“It doesn’t bother me,” he said, and it sounded like he meant it, too.

But the truth is, I…

Take this one day, for example.

“Uchida…do you make your own bento lunches?”

“…Is there a problem with that?”

“No, not at all. Man, I sure wish you’d teach me to cook sometime.”

“Yet again, you’re making inappropriate suggestions.”

“Actually, I was serious…”

“Ask your mother to teach you to cook.”

“Well, I can’t really…”

“Oh, too cool to hang with your mother? Must be nice to be rebellious.”

“You know, sometimes, you’re pretty cute.”

“I hate you more and more with every passing second.”

I was aware I wasn’t exactly doing my usual light and breezy thing. In fact, I was starting to sound kind of harsh.

But I’m stubborn, too.

Although… If only…, I caught myself thinking.

I wondered how he would react if I told him everything.

For some reason, I wanted to know.

One day, after school.

My relationship with Hiiragi remained the same, not growing or receding, and as we entered July, we continued to interact.

The first semester was almost up.

For the most part, I was able to lead the kind of school life I’d wanted.

In class, cliques had already formed, and I wasn’t included in any of them. Fortunately for me, though, I wasn’t viewed as some sad outsider. Maybe because I was spotted chatting with those two every now and then.

Actually, sometimes people asked me stuff like, “How come you’re so friendly with Chitose?” or “Does Chitose have a girlfriend?” and it was tough to keep the “freaking out” reflex buried.

As I was walking down the hallway deep in thought…

“Ah, if it isn’t Uchida.”

Someone said my name from behind.

“Yes?” I said, turning around, and there was Mr. Iwanami.

“Have you seen Chitose?”

“…No, I haven’t.”

“Bet he’s still yakking in the classroom. Sorry, but would you mind doing me a favor?”

“Of course…” I nodded.

“I have a bunch of handouts on my desk in the staff room, and I want him to bring them to the classroom. It would be helpful if you could pass along the message. I asked him to come after school, but I forgot to specify a time. I have a meeting after this.”

My response caught in my throat.

I didn’t really want to go out of my way to talk to Chitose, but that wasn’t a good enough excuse for saying no.

“Of course,” I said reluctantly.

Mr. Iwanami just raised one hand, said “Thanks a lot,” and walked off.

I let out a small sigh.

Then the slapping of wooden sandals against the floor paused.

“Speaking of which, Uchida.” Mr. Iwanami turned. “If you have the chance, you should talk a little more openly with Chitose. You and he have some things in common.”

“What do you mean…?”

“That’s for you to discover.”

Then Mr. Iwanami walked off at a brisk pace, leaving me to puzzle over his cryptic comments.

Me and him?

No. No. No way, never.

He’s got everything. He’s always brimming with confidence, surrounded by friends, living life free as a bird.

Compared to that, I’m just…

Well. Maybe Mr. Iwanami has some kind of problem with his vision.

I let out a big sigh.

Agh. Help. I don’t want to talk to Chitose. He always says such weird things.

Should I just go and get the printouts myself?

I turned around and headed to the staff room.

“Excuse me,” I said, stepping inside.

I’d been there to ask teachers things lots of times before, so I was able to quickly locate the seating chart posted by the door.

As I could have predicted, Mr. Iwanami’s desk was piled up with textbooks and materials in no particular order.

In the center, a massive tower of papers sat precariously balanced.

This was way more than I’d been expecting.

“I don’t know if I can carry all that…,” I mumbled.

I pulled the stack of papers toward me bit by bit, and when half of it was hanging off the desk, I put my other hand on the bottom and lifted the whole thing.

“Gah.”

It weighed more than I could have predicted, and I felt my spine curve forward.

Hmm. I think I can just about make it.

During club, I sometimes help carry heavier instruments, so it’s okay.

I’d come this far anyway. I’d hate to have to put all this back on the desk and seek out Chitose after all.

With a little effort, I straightened my back and held the stack of papers against my body.

Okay, I’m managing.

It might have been bad manners, but with no one around to help, I was forced to use my foot to open and close the staff room door.

Regret soon followed.

With every step I took, the edges of the rough paper cut into my fingers, and my arms trembled with the strain.

I should have just gone to get Chitose, after all.

He could lift this weight and look cool while doing it.

Eventually, when I reached the stairs, my arms were getting numb.

I couldn’t climb step by step like I usually do, so I had to raise my right foot one step, then lift my left foot onto the same step, and go up a little at a time.

I must look pretty dumb right now.

Oh no, why is this happening?

Suddenly I felt hopelessly miserable.

The inner corners of my eyes grew hot.

The tears weren’t because of the stupid handouts, but because of everything that had happened since I’d entered high school.

This wasn’t how I’d wanted it to go.

I felt so frustrated, all the time, even though I was actually doing all right. I should have been satisfied with how things were going.

It was all his fault.

Every time we speak, he annoys the heck out of me. He’s constantly pointing out things I’m trying not to acknowledge. I’m really like you? Am I?

“Uchida!”

Just then, I heard a voice I’d grown accustomed to.

Light footfalls came tripping up the steps.

“I just saw Kura. There weren’t any printouts in the staff room, so I figured…”

He stopped right behind me.

“You could have just come to get me. Sorry you ended up doing my job. Here, let me take those.”

I scowled at his carefree smile. “I’m fine, actually!”

My voice was hard as steel. He seemed dazed. Well, I could hardly blame him.

I was lashing out my own internal frustrations without any rhyme or reason.

“Why are you being like this? I just said I’d take them.”

The way he spoke irritated me again.

“I was asked to do this job.”

“No, all you were asked to do was pass the message to me.”

“Whatever. Please go away.”

I twisted my body to escape from his hand as he reached out toward the paper.

—I felt a snag.

The heel of my left foot got caught on the raised, nonslip rubber strip at the edge of the step.

“Eek!”

Yikes, I thought, and I started to tip backward.

The heavy stack loomed over me, as if trying to assist gravity in taking me over.

My heart shrank with a sensation of weightlessness, and it was like my knees had been kicked out from under me.

No. Don’t cause a fuss!

But just as I thought that…

“—You idiot!!!”

…a pair of rugged arms wrapped around me.

The handouts fluttered in the air like falling petals in slow motion.

My glasses flew off, and with a crack, I could hear them break.

But the sensation of landing was much softer against my back than I’d been anticipating. It was like falling on something small and firm, like one of the old gym mats.

“…Yikes.”

Hearing his voice over my shoulder, I thought, This feels warm. Not the kind of thought I should have been having, but my mind was all over the place.

The heat coming from the arms wrapped around my stomach, the body pressed against my back… His temperature seemed to run higher than mine.

It felt like when I was little, and my mom read picture books to me.

But…

I inhaled.

It smelled like sweat and dirt. Like a boy.

Huh? Wait… What am I doing?

“Chitose?!”

I finally snapped out of it, and with an ungainly wriggle, I got away from him.

Looking over my shoulder, I found my frosty mask again as the reality of the situation sank in.

There lay Chitose, head at the foot of the stairs, still grasping the handrail with one hand.

He cushioned my fall? Like a gym mat…?

“Um… I…”

Chitose smiled a little and said…

“You finally called me by my name!”

He grinned.

“…”

I stood up and tried to act as if nothing had happened.

“Tch. I may act like a handsome playboy, but I really do have those lightning-fast baseball player reflexes, huh? If ol’ Chitose hadn’t been there, you might’ve cracked your head.”

“Uh… I mean…”

“Heh. But seriously, Uchida, you’re lucky I was there to cushion your fall, huh?”

His casual words made my chest tighten.

“Sorry. That must have been scary. Are you all right?”

“I’m…fine. Thanks.”

“Sorry for how things have been. I understand that you don’t like me, but for some reason, I just can’t seem to leave you alone.”

“…Um.”

“I’m sorry to bother you. But just let me say one last thing.”

Chitose continued in a gentle voice.

“I get frustrated seeing you, Uchida. I can tell you’ve got stuff going on… And I know I have no right to say this, as an almost perfect stranger, but…”

Then he suddenly paused, before saying…

“—Your life is yours, isn’t it?”

Then he grinned, a rakish, slightly embarrassed grin.

Badump.

My heart thumped.

Badump, badump, badump.

There you go again, acting all bigheaded. I suppose I have to say thank you properly this time. Wow, I really do hate you. Maybe we should both go to the nurse’s room. Could you do me a big favor and never speak to me again after this?

The pounding of my heart was so loud that those other thoughts got drowned out.

Badump, badump, badump.

The shock of falling was nothing compared to this.

Maybe it was frustration over being indebted to a guy like this.

Maybe it was embarrassment, being caught and held by a guy I don’t like.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

But this pounding was nothing like I felt back in the classroom.

…It was sweet. Almost soft…

As I stood there frozen, Chitose deftly gathered up the spilled printouts.

Wait. Hold on.

I haven’t caught up yet, emotionally or verbally.

Chitose picked up my glasses and handed them to me after first arranging the stack of papers.

“Here you go, then.”

Yes. Here you go. We’re done here.

Just like that? After you had your hands all over me?

Chitose lightly waved his hand, jogging up the stairs holding the stack of papers.

He didn’t even look back.

Like he forgot I existed.

My gaze fell to my hand. Oh.

The lenses of my glasses were cracked.

I clutched them, and…

“Um, Chitose!”

I called your name.

I don’t know why I did that.

My mind was blank, and I didn’t even know what to say.

But strangely…

Thump thump thump thump thump

Thump.

If I don’t do this now, then I feel like, many years from now, I’m going to regret this day so much that I’ll want to cry.

Chitose looked down at me, puzzled.

Oh, help. I have to say something.

Um. Er… The thing is…

“—My glasses!”

Before I knew what I was even saying, the most asinine thing I’d ever said came out of my mouth. It was…

“I mean, Chitose, what do you think about me without glasses?”

It was like my lips were moving on their own. I couldn’t stop them.

The moment the words left my mouth, I was so embarrassed, I wished I could just vanish into a puff of smoke.

What was I saying?!

Now he was going to think I was some kind of freak.

This, after I’d been so standoffish with him? After acting like I didn’t care what anyone thinks of me?

Even though I hadn’t been conscious of how I look in others’ eyes for many, many years…

…Why was I saying this now?

After blinking at me, Chitose grinned mischievously.

“It works for you, Yua.”

On the way home, I stopped and had my glasses repaired, and I also ordered some contacts.

The next day, Hiiragi kept squealing about how cute I apparently was, right from first period.

Meanwhile, Chitose said, “How about now you do something about those frown lines?”

I really do hate him.

…It’s just that I was nervous right then. That’s all.

The first half of August.

Surprisingly, I had a somewhat unsatisfactory summer vacation.

This was completely self-inflicted and actually something I’d hoped for a little bit. But I guess, over time, I got slightly used to having Chitose tease me and chat with me all the time, while I’d fire back with some frosty response.

I’d started to call him Chitose without worrying about it, and he would sometimes call me Yua in this jokey kind of way.

Maybe the wall I’d put up around me had cracked a little, the same as my glasses.

Strangely, the feelings of anger, irritability, and frustration had started to fade away. In their place, I was now experiencing annoyance, exasperation, and impatience.

What’s the difference? Hell if I know.

Little by little, Hiiragi taught me how to do makeup and take care of my skin.

I was too embarrassed to put it into practice right away, but I was thinking it’d be nice to give it a try during this summer vacation.

I seemed to have accepted the new changes in my school life. I was actually counting the days until August 31. Maybe I really was excited for the new semester.

There was just one little glass shard, stuck in my heart.

Before summer vacation, Chitose’s smile had faded away. The genuine one, to be precise.

To preserve my normal life without rocking the boat, I often keep a close eye on other people’s facial expressions. So I immediately notice subtle changes in the people I talk to almost every day.

He’d completely stopped teasing me, too.

I’d been acting like I hated it all this time, but when it stopped, I felt a surge of anxiety.

Did I say something offensive? Did I accidentally cross a line?

But thinking rationally, I hadn’t really changed anything about how I reacted. And it was obvious that Chitose didn’t care at all about me or how I reacted or whatever.

But somehow, I almost missed it.

“Uchida.”

I realized someone had just tapped me on the shoulder.

I was in the music room, on the fourth floor of Fuji High. I’d been spacing out, right in the middle of club.

“Sorry, I drifted off there.”

My band partner giggled. “That’s unusual for you. We’re all talking about going to the convenience store for lunch—what about you?”

“Oh, thanks. I brought a bento lunch, so I’m good.”

“Okay. Well, we’ll be back in a bit.”

I watched them leave, until it was just me.

—Clink.

Suddenly, a high-pitched metallic sound reverberated through the quiet music room.

Finding myself drawn to the window, I opened it.

The steamy summer air rushed in.

I could hear boys’ voices yelling “Come on!” and “Over here!” loud enough to drown out the din of the cicadas chirping away.

I pulled up a chair and sat down, putting my arms on the windowsill and resting my chin on it.

Apparently, baseball club was having a practice game.

I wondered if Chitose was out there, too.

We’d lost the summer tournament, apparently, but I’d heard he was a great player.

Even though he was just a first-year, he was already playing an active role as the main driving force of the team.

Come to think of it, I’m always up here when Chitose practices on the field, but I’ve never really watched.

For some reason, I couldn’t see a guy like him playing baseball.

What would I do if he looked up and spotted me?

Heh. That’s a stupid thing to worry about. My eyes followed the players running around below.

Everyone was wearing hats and helmets, but it was still possible to tell who was Chitose and who wasn’t.

My contacts had felt weird at first, but I was used to them now.

After about five minutes of scrutinizing every player on the field, I realized…

Chitose’s not here…?

I’d looked carefully. I couldn’t possibly have missed him.

Maybe he was off, with an illness or injury.

I hope he’s all right, I thought, and just then…

—Clack.

The ball hit by the opposing team rolled outside the white line drawn on the left side.

Wow, baseballs are so fast!

“Foul!”

Someone yelled as the ball went behind the batter.

It hit the high net that separates the tennis and handball courts from the sports ground and came to a stop.

A member of the baseball team who was just running there picked it up, and…

“Hirano!”

Even from an amateur’s point of view, the guy threw a great ball back.

I knew that voice…

“Oh…!”

I knew right away that it was Chitose.

I hadn’t spotted him because I was just watching people on the field and around the benches, but he was there all along.

And he wasn’t wearing the same uniform as the others. Just worn-out practice clothes.

Why…?

The game resumed as if nothing had happened.

After watching for a second, Chitose started running laps. He was at the edge, just silently going back and forth.

He didn’t look injured or anything to me.

Beneath the deep-blue sky and the heavy thunderheads in the distance…he just kept running back and forth. Like he was afraid that if he stopped, even for a moment, something would catch up with him.

No one was watching him back there. Why not cut corners? Nobody would even care, probably.

Why was this happening?

The only thing I knew for sure was that this was not a good thing for Chitose.

Maybe this was some kind of penalty for making a mistake. Or maybe he was injured, but in a way that running wouldn’t hurt?

Being unable to participate in the game and running around the corner of the field… It must be frustrating, embarrassing, awful for a dedicated member of the baseball team.

But Chitose—the guy who was always trying to act so cool—was struggling away by himself, not even caring who was watching.

For whatever reason…he was just pounding away, never looking down, totally focused on his task.

—Somehow, the sight of it made me wince. My heart ached.

Had I ever faced up against myself like that?

Have I ever fought head-on, without looking away?

Unable to bear it any longer, I suddenly stood up from my chair and clenched my fists.

I took a deep breath.

Go for it. Go for it. Go for it…

“Go for it, Chitose!!!”

I yelled at the top of my lungs, with all my air, like I was blowing on my sax.

Shoulders heaving, I suddenly felt a wave of embarrassment wash over me, and I quickly crouched down.

Maybe it was the hot summer breeze that flowed into the air-conditioned room.

For whatever reason, my chest was suddenly burning hot.

Somewhere in my heart, I was waiting impatiently for the second semester.

Chitose had taken to staring blankly out of the window every day, and even when he was around Hiiragi and the others, he didn’t look very happy.

He was like a different person. Almost mute, and that mischievous smile of his had gone.

I’d heard from Hiiragi that he’d quit the baseball club. Even she seemed at a loss as to how to handle Chitose, so she ended up chatting with me more and more.

It can’t be! I wanted to yell.

Even after that practice game, when I spied him through the music room’s window, I kept seeing Chitose at practice. Always working hard, and always alone.

If he was still at it, they must be putting him through the wringer. But he was gritting his teeth and refusing to crack.

Just how bad was it?

I desperately wanted to hear it straight from him.

Maybe there was something I could do to help.

…Who do I think I am anyway?

If Chitose can’t even confide in Hiiragi, why would he tell me? How could I help where Hiiragi can’t?

Anyway…

Ever since that day when he rescued me on the stairs, I felt like the distance between us had shrunk a little. But in reality, I was just one of his many classmates.

All that was different was how we referred to each other. There was no logical reason for me to feel like he and I were more familiar now.

I hadn’t even spoken to him once during the long summer vacation. I mean, I didn’t even have his contact info.

All this…is just a waste of my mental energy.

What on earth am I thinking anyway?

Wasn’t this where I wanted to be?

I was keeping to myself. No one was intruding on me.

I was just drifting on the breeze, day by day.

This has to be good, right?

No matter how much I tried to convince myself, I couldn’t keep lying. I wasn’t okay with staying this far removed from everything.

—Several weeks went by.

In the end, Chitose gradually got his energy back, and I still didn’t know what had happened.

I had more opportunities to talk to him like before, and I got to hear his silly jokes again.

One day, on the way home…

I saw him talking to a short-haired girl by the riverbed.

Even though I could only see her from the side, I could tell she was very beautiful.

Chitose’s face was relaxed in a way I hadn’t seen before. Like he was drawing strength and comfort from this girl.

What if I was the one beside him like that? I thought, and then I laughed at myself over how ridiculous that concept was.

Then, one day after school at the end of September…

All club activities were canceled for some academic reason or other.

After finishing classes and homeroom, I was about to go home early.

“Ucchi, wait a minute!” Hiiragi stopped me.

“What’s up?”

I was used to her suddenly calling out to me, but she didn’t often stop me like this on my way home.

“You don’t have club today, either, right, Ucchi?”

“Uh, right, but why…?”

Hiiragi’s face brightened, and she grabbed my hand. “I was just chatting with Saku and the others, and we’re planning to hit up Hachiban Ramen on the way home. Why don’t you come, too, Ucchi?”

“Er, but…”

Hiiragi had suggested hanging out a few times before.

And even over summer vacation, she sent me a few messages on LINE.

It was always awkward, so I tried to be evasive. I was sure she was just trying to be nice.

This was the first time I’d received such a specific invitation.

To be honest, I no longer even wanted to be as stubborn as I was when I first entered high school.

I’d still have plenty of time to cook for my family after I got back home. And yes, I was interested in hanging out after school like a real high schooler at least once.

But I’d barely ever spoken to Mizushino or Asano.

And what about him? What would he think of me tagging along?

While I was hesitating, filled with various worries…

“You should come.” Chitose, watching from a distance, called out to me point-blank. “It’s just ramen. What are you worried about?”

His blunt words gave me the push I needed.

“All right, then I suppose I could tag along, if nobody minds…?”

“Of course we don’t mind!” Hiiragi jumped up and down.

Giggling a little, I actually did a little hop myself.

When I passed through the door of Hachiban Ramen, I was hit with a nostalgic aroma.

When I was little, my whole family used to come here on weekends.

How many years has it been? I wondered, smiling a little.

Going there alone would feel weird, and eventually my family stopped suggesting eating at Hachiban’s. So I hadn’t been there in a while.

We took our seats at the table and ordered.

I wasn’t sure what to get at first, but I decided to opt for veggie ramen with miso butter topping.

Way back when, Mom always ordered this. She never got sick of it.

At first, I tried to copy her and order the same thing, but eventually I became more of a salt ramen person. Today, though, I wanted to eat the ramen from my childhood.

While we were waiting for the ramen to arrive…

“You know, Ucchi!” Asano, who was sitting across from me, leaned in.

“Y-yes?”

His enthusiasm made me shy.

“Ah, sorry. Yuuko always calls you Ucchi. Is it okay if I call you that?”

Asano scratched his head calmly, and I relaxed a little. “Yes, it’s fine.”

“Oh, cool. So hey, Ucchi. Why is it that Saku’s the only one you’re all buddy-buddy with?”

“Huh? We’re not buddy-buddy,” I immediately replied.

Mizushino spluttered with laughter from his adjacent seat. “Sorry, Kaito’s an idiot. Can I call you Ucchi, too?”

I nodded. “Yeah, that’s perfectly fine, but…”

“Anyway, you talk to Yuuko and Saku a lot in class, Ucchi. Kaito gets why you chat with Yuuko, but he’s always whining about how Saku is the only one of us guys you seem to want to talk to.”

Asano piped up before I could respond. “Well, can you blame me? A graceful, beautiful girl ranked number one in her grade in the entrance exam. She’s always smiling, but she doesn’t have any specific friends. She’s a total enigma!”

“Er… Who are you talking about?”

“Well, duh! You, Ucchi!”

“Huh?!” I yelped in surprise.

Beautiful girl?

Enigma?

Where? Who?

I’m just the glasses-wearing plain Jane, you know?

“Aw, come on.” Mizushino grinned, hand on his chin. “Kaito only started saying stuff like that after you got contacts, Ucchi.”

“Hey! You jerk! Don’t go telling her that!”

What were these people talking about? Did they have no shame?

Mizushino, Asano, Hiiragi, and—yeah, Chitose, too.

All so different, but they’re the clique of hot guys and girls that everyone in school envies.

And those people were saying this stuff about someone like me.

If it wasn’t for Hiiragi’s genuine smile as she watched us, I would have mistaken it for a new and inventive type of bullying.

I mean, I was still a little skeptical.

It’s a mean thing to think about Hiiragi and Chitose, who always chatted to me in such a friendly way, but part of me wondered if the whole thing wasn’t just a big joke to them.

Ignoring my frozen reaction, Hiiragi piped up from her seat beside me.

“Kaito, you have no eye for cute girls. I saw how adorable Ucchi is right from the entrance ceremony!”

“H-Hiiragi?!”

“You know, Yuuko,” Mizushino said. “Why did you want to get to know Ucchi?”

Want to get to know me?

The things they were saying so casually embarrassed the heck out of me.

It’s not like that anyway.

Hiiragi gets along with everyone. She doesn’t discriminate. I’m just another classmate to her.

So hearing this kind of thing is really annoying.

Actually, I’m starting to get really uncomfortable here!

But Hiiragi continued like it was no big deal.

“Well, at first I just went to apologize, but gradually I realized that talking to Ucchi had a soothing effect on me. And I wondered why.”

That’s…how she felt?

Hiiragi looked at me and smiled. “Then I realized! For whatever reason, she always carefully weighs up each situation and environment. She never says anything that would hurt someone’s feelings, make them sad, or cause them to be depressed. That’s why I’m so comfortable around her, I think.”

You’re wrong, I muttered to myself, although I couldn’t vocalize it. It’s nothing nearly that laudable. I’m just keeping my head low to preserve the normal, quiet life that I want. It’s not some big noble thing.

Hiiragi continued. “Oh, but not with Saku, though. It’s weird.”

“Really?!” Asano yelped. “You know, I had the impression Saku’s sweet talk had her under his spell.”

“Absolutely not.” I was quick to deny this.

Mizushino looked at Chitose and grinned. “Uh-oh. It sounds like she doesn’t like you at all.”

I heard a haughty sniff.

“I’m the only one she’s mean to, huh… I understand. There’s a thin line between love and hate, right, Yua?” Chitose grinned, and I retorted right away.

“Uh, no.”

“Really? Not even just a little bit?”

“Yeah, really. Not in the slightest.”

“…Aw, man.”

Everyone cracked up.

“Aw, Saku struck out,” said Asano.

Mizushino was next. “That’s our Saku.”

Hiiragi grabbed my arm and clung on. “Hey, Ucchi is my friend here, you know?!”

Chitose shrugged, still grinning. And I grinned back.

How long had it been since I’d chatted with classmates for hours like this?

Both Asano and Mizushino were lively and funny, and they were both really nice to me, even though we’d never really interacted before.

Of course, Hiiragi and Chitose seemed much more relaxed than I’d ever seen them, and I was a little envious of this group’s carefree relationships.

What if I could spend every day with everyone like this? Maybe that’s getting ahead of myself.

The sun went down outside the window before I even realized it.

I seemed to come out of some sort of trance.

Hmm? What time is it?

I checked my phone for the first time since walking into Hachiban’s. It was already almost eight PM.

Oh no, I thought, my heart sinking.

Even on a normal day, this would be the time I needed to go home and cook dinner after club.

I wasn’t expecting to be this late, so I hadn’t even texted home.

When I checked my notifications, I found more than ten unread LINE messages and six missed calls.

The only people from school who had my LINE info were the girls from the music club and Hiiragi. So all these messages were probably from home.

I thought it was overkill, a little. But although I’d mentioned that there wasn’t any club practice today, this was my first time being this late without checking in since I’d started having a phone. So I’d caused an undue amount of concern.

I knew it. I really had been getting ahead of myself.

I’ll make my excuses to the others and leave the ramen restaurant first, then I can call as soon as I make it outside.

Well, that was my plan, but…

—Brr. Brr. Brr.

The phone in my hand vibrated.

The name on the display was my younger brother’s, who was right in the middle of studying for the entrance exams.

I guess he planned to tell me something like, “I’m hungry. Hurry up.”

He’s a growing boy, and lately he’s like a bottomless pit.

“Ucchi, you should answer that.”

Beside me, Hiiragi seemed to have noticed my phone.

“I’m sorry. It’s my brother. I’ll just call him back…”

Then I answered the call.

“Hello? Sorry I’m late. Yes, I’m coming now.”

“Sis. Just stay calm and listen, okay?”

The voice in my ear was strained, desperate.

“They took Dad to the hospital.”

He was speaking slowly, deliberately.

Clatter.

My phone slipped from my hand, hit the table, and bounced onto the floor.

“Huh…?”

My mind was blank.

With my empty hand near my ear…

“Why?”

I mumbled to no one.

“…?”

“…”

“…!”

“…”

Hiiragi, Asano, Mizushino, and Chitose were all talking to me with some alarm.

But I couldn’t understand what anyone was saying.

Dad’s in the hospital?

But he was fine yesterday.

Even this morning, he told me to have a nice day.

No. No, this can’t be happening.

I jumped to my feet, and before I knew it, I was running toward the exit.

I bumped into the waiter who was carrying the ramen, and bowls clattered together with a sharp sound.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

“Uchida!”

“Ucchi?!”

Chitose and Hiiragi were calling my name.

I didn’t have a second to stop and explain.

I jumped up and ran off without knowing what I was doing.

I have to run, run, run…

I don’t know where to go or what to do.

But even so…

I felt like if I stayed still, Dad would disappear, and I would never see him again. So even though this made no sense, I knew I had to keep moving. Keep moving and try not to throw up.

BEEEEEEEEP

A car horn blared.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

Where’s my phone?

Gone.

Where’s my bag?

Gone.

Where am I?

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.

No. I have to calm down.

Go back to the restaurant, apologize to everyone, ask my brother where the hospital is, and then…

…

I couldn’t force myself to calm down. Bad thoughts swirled like a dirty river, filling my mind with thick mud.

These are the times when I have to be strongest.

It’s okay.

It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.

It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.

Help me, someone help me.

Mom…

“Uchida!”

Just then, someone grabbed my arm from behind.

Why? Why are you talking to me when I’m freaking out?

I knew whose voice it was immediately.

Why? When I’d done everything in my power to avoid him?

Why, then, did I still want to fall into his arms and have him take care of everything?

“…Chitose…”

The one who was chasing me was the boy I should have hated.

“Wow, you music club girls sure do run fast. Your skirt was flapping so much I almost saw your panties.”

Idiot! Even at a time like this…you’re such an idiot!

“Why’d you suddenly run off to the riverbed? Can you just try to calm down?”

But I couldn’t hold myself back anymore.

“What do I do?! It’s all my fault!!!”

I clung to Chitose’s chest, clutching his shirt tightly in both hands.

“It’s because I didn’t come home at the usual time. I didn’t keep my promise. I told myself I’d be normal and quiet so this wouldn’t happen again. I wasn’t going to cause any more worry to anyone. Dad’s all I’ve got left, but now…”

“Yua!”

Chitose grabbed me and hugged me tight.

Just like he did on that day when I almost fell down the stairs.

“It’s okay. Maybe it’s not as bad as you’re imagining.”

I could hear his heart pounding, pounding in his strong, warm chest.

“It’s okay. It’s all right.” Chitose kept repeating, over and over.

Those words made me think of Mom again.

“But they took him to the hospital…”

Chitose patted my back reassuringly as he spoke. “The call was still live, so I asked your brother what happened. Basically, it sounds like just a simple wrist sprain.”

“…Sprain?”

“He was working overtime and ended up leaving later than usual, so he was hurrying down the stairs at his office and slipped. A colleague called an ambulance just in case, since it sounds like it was a pretty dramatic fall, but apparently he’s fine besides the sprain. I guess clumsiness runs in your family, huh?”

“You pig!” I lifted my chin.

Right in front of me, Chitose was smiling softly. “Have you calmed down now?”

His eyes, so magnetic, suddenly colored with embarrassment over how close our faces were.

Chitose loosened his arms and took two brisk steps back.

“Your brother said to tell you sorry. He knows you worry, so he was trying to explain things to you slowly and calmly, but instead he ended up making it sound much more dire than it actually was.”

Recalling the conversation we just had, I went limp.

“Yes. He did say to stay calm and listen.”

Chitose continued. “Your brother was at the hospital—sounds like he ran over there himself. So I was able to talk to your dad on the phone. He told me to tell you, ‘Don’t worry about anything. Just have fun with your friends.’ Oh, and he asked me to take care of his daughter, too.”

When I calmed down a little, I was flooded with embarrassment for my distraught reaction, and I felt horribly guilty for running out on everyone so rudely.

“Um, I, uh—I’m really sorry. Oh, at the restaurant…”

I suddenly remembered how I’d knocked over those bowls on my dash to the door.

“Yuuko said, ‘Leave this to us, and you go after Ucchi.’ She said she’d call later.”

“Oh gosh… I’m such a mess!”

“Hey, listen, Yua…” Chitose paused.

I’d figured him using my first name earlier was just to get my attention while I was having a full-on panic, but the fact that he was still using it now made me feel a little squirmy inside.

“If you don’t mind, can we talk a little?”

“Um, but…”

“I can’t just walk off and leave you here now that I’ve found you. Also…I don’t think you should be alone right now.”

“…All right, then.”

“I’ll buy you a cold drink from the vending machine. What would you like?”

“I’ll pay.”

Chitose snorted with laughter. “You don’t have your wallet, do you?”

“Oh…”

Right.

I left everything behind when I split.

Great. I was totally pathetic; I couldn’t do anything right.

Chitose glanced at his phone. “Yuuko’s got your bag and stuff. Let’s go get it from her later. I did manage to grab this on my way out, though.”

He handed me my phone.

“Do you want to call your family?”

“No, it’s all right. Thanks.”

When I took it from him, I found that the screen was cracked.

I frowned and let out a sigh. “When I’m around you, Chitose, something always breaks.”

“Just so you know, the glasses weren’t my fault, either, you know?”

Chitose gave me a goofy grin, then dashed off along the embankment.

“I wasn’t talking about the glasses,” I muttered, staring at his back.

As I sat down on the riverbed and listened to the sound of the water, Chitose came back.

“I tried to pick something a girl might like,” he said, offering a choice of two drinks. I took the houjicha latte.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Chitose said, sitting next to me and prying the pull tab on his café latte.

After taking a sip…

“What did you mean, ‘It’s your fault’?” he muttered.

“Huh…?”

“Not sure if you meant to say it, but that’s what you said.”

Honestly, I could only sort of half remember saying that.

A half remembrance was enough, though.

As I sat there wondering how to answer, Chitose continued.

“Ah, if you don’t want to talk about it, then don’t worry about it. Let’s talk about something else. Which restaurant has your favorite sauce for katsudon? Do you prefer grated soba noodles with lots of toppings or dipping sauce? Or we could talk about the season? Flowers, cats, constellations…”

He kept talking, almost as if he was poking fun at me and trying to comfort me at the same time.

“You don’t have to talk to me about it anyway. You could talk to Yuuko, or your mom, or someone else. I recently learned that just talking to someone can really kind of save your soul. So I thought it could help you out, too, Yua.”

Suddenly, I thought of that beautiful girl with the short hair.

Was he trying to be there for me, in the same way she’d been there for him?

All right. But just this once.

Maybe I can show someone what’s inside my heart…just a little bit.

“Would you mind…” My voice was weak and faint. “…if I talked about my mom?”

Chitose’s eyes widened a little, and then he nodded at me to go ahead.

—Mom was a kind person.

I don’t remember her ever yelling. She just smiled all the time.

When I was little, she often played the piano or the flute for me instead of lullabies.

The music was like a whisper, like a hug.

I was more of a mama’s girl, and I loved to listen to her play. I’d fight to stay awake, not wanting to miss a note. But I always ended up dreaming before I knew it.

I can still recall how excited I was when Mom said, “Would you like to learn to play, too, Yua?”

When I went to elementary school, I started going to music classes on Mom’s recommendation.

When you start practicing the piano and the flute in earnest, it’s not all fun.

The set pieces for the recital were difficult, and when the teacher scolded me for not being able to play them well, there were times when I wanted to just give it all up.

Kids who started learning later than me kept passing me, and I often cried and sulked and threatened to quit.

But whenever that happened, Mom would always say…

“It’s okay.”

She’d stroke my hair softly and hug me tight.

“You don’t have to compare yourself to others or compete with them. It’s enough for me if you just enjoy music normally. Love it for its own sake.”

Normal. Mom was always using that word.

Even when my test scores sucked.

“It’s okay. If you just do your best and get a normal score, it’s fine.”

Even when I fought with my friends.

“It’s okay. You can just make up. That’s normal.”

Even when I was asked about my dreams for my future at school and couldn’t answer.

“It’s okay. Just living a normal life is all you need to be happy.”

When I entered elementary school and then in junior high school, too, I began to realize that there was nothing about me that made me stand out.

Many kids were better at sports, studying, and music than I was.

But each time, Mom repeated, “It’s okay, it’s okay,” like a soothing mantra.

Mom always told me it was okay to be normal.

That that was where happiness truly lay.

Her piano and flute playing were beautiful—but honestly, in many respects, Mom really was just a completely normal, average mother.

She was a stay-at-home mom, waking up early in the morning to make a packed lunch for Dad. She did cleaning and laundry in the morning, then shopping in the afternoon.

Every night, she would prepare all kinds of meals.

I loved watching my mom cook, and I would always grab on to her leg and ask what she was making or what she was using.

When she had time, I asked her to teach me certain dishes while I did my best to help out.

When I first got a child’s kitchen knife, I was so happy to cut cabbage and cucumbers.

So that was who Mom was. But one day, Dad told me a secret.

“Your mom used to be somebody amazing, you know.”

“Amazing how?”

“I don’t know all the details, but when she was at the university in Kansai, she won a prize in a big piano competition.”

“Really? But then why didn’t she go pro?”

“…Well, that was my fault. She could have lived in a more glamorous world, but she followed me when I went back to Fukui to find a job. She always said she’d be happiest just building a warm, loving family. I tried to convince her to consider becoming a music teacher at least, but she said that if you only hold on to your dreams halfway, you’ll always be left with regrets.”

“I see… Then I guess she must be the happiest ever right now!”

“Hee-hee, well, I certainly hope so.”

In this way, our family lived a peaceful life.

We’d wake up in the morning and go to school or work, while Mom did the housework, and at night we’d all relax together.

On weekdays, we’d go through the same routine, and on weekends, the four of us would often go to Lpa or Hachiban’s together. Sometimes we’d go to the cinema together and sing karaoke. When it was someone’s birthday, we’d go to revolving sushi at Kaisen Atom. That was always a big treat in my eyes.

A slight change came when my younger brother entered elementary school.

Mom had more free time, and when I came home from school, I’d often find her playing the piano by herself.

Not the gentle songs of my childhood lullabies. She’d be pounding the keys—the sound was like screaming or crying.

When I started taking lessons myself, I finally came to understand how amazing Mom was.

Probably much better than a classroom music teacher.

Whenever Mom noticed me, she’d laugh like I’d caught her doing something silly and stop playing. So I took to listening secretly, outside the door.

She would just play without stopping until it got dark and it was time to start getting dinner ready.

One night, while I was listening to Mom playing the piano, I asked a question.

“Mom, won’t you ever do a recital or anything?”

Mom looked surprised for a second.

“Hee-hee. Well, I’m playing in front of a little audience of one right now, aren’t I?” Mom answered softly.

“Not like this. Like in a real concert hall or something.”

“I’m happy just playing normally at home like this.”

“My music teacher said she has some adult students. We could do recitals together!”

When I said that…

—Ding!

Mom’s nimble fingers made a rare mistake.

That sharp tone was like an angry shout, and I recoiled in shock.

Did I say something wrong?

I thought it would be fun to play a duet together in a large hall; that’s all…

“Whoops, I messed up.”

As I sat there, thoughts whirling, Mom stuck out her tongue and looked at me.

“Maybe I should have your teacher teach me, too.”

Her smile seemed fake. I wished I hadn’t said anything.

Then one day, when I was in the fourth year of elementary school…

After school, a classmate actually invited me over, and we played together until it was late.

When it got dark, and I finally realized it was past curfew, I rushed home and found my father sitting alone at the table in the living room. He was despondent.

There were empty beer cans all over the table, along with a piece of paper that looked like an official form, in green ink.

“Sorry I’m late. Where’s Mom?”

Dad stared at me emptily. “She left.”

“Like shopping?”

I looked around the living room and saw my younger brother holding his knees on the sofa, crying and sniffling.

A terrible feeling washed over me.

It was like my entire world had been overwritten. I was standing in an entirely different today from what yesterday had been.

Dad shook his head slightly and said, “She’s far away. She won’t be coming back.” His voice was unsteady.

Huh?

What did he say…?

I threw down my school bag, ran over to Dad, and shook his limp shoulders.

“Hey! Dad?!”

Choking back tears, I started to yell.

If I started crying, it would be like acknowledging that any of this was happening.

“What do you mean? She’s on a trip? She’s at Grandma’s house?”

Gently, Dad took my hand and shook his head again. “No, Yua. We’ve decided to part ways. From now on, it’s just the three of us.”

“I don’t believe you!” I snatched my hand away and banged on the table. “Mom would never leave us! She always said she was happy! She said she was glad she met you and that we were born. She said she’d teach me piano and flute until I grew even better at it than her. She said when I grew up, we’d wear fancy dresses and do recitals together. So what you’re saying…doesn’t make any sense!”

Finally, a tear fell from Dad’s eye.

“Maybe she got sick of a normal life.”

—Ding!

I heard it again. Mom’s wrong note on the piano.

It’s not true, it’s not true, it’s not true!

Mom always said the same thing, like a mantra.

Normal is fine; normal is best.

What’s wrong with normal? Eating meals with the family every day and watching TV together—isn’t that enough?

Just yesterday, Mom went with me to practice. She said I played well.

We took a bath together and slept on the same futon.

This was horrible.

She didn’t even say anything!

I didn’t get a chance to process it!

Was I never going to see Mom again?

Did she get sick of us?

Was she angry because I broke curfew?

If I did something wrong, I’ll fix it.

I’ll do my best even if I’m not good at studying; I’ll never break a promise again…

So please… Please…

Drip.

Finally, the tears fell from my eyes.

“No!!!!!!”

My brother leaped up and hugged me. “Sis… Sis…”

Dad leaned across the table and held on to us, and the three of us sat huddled there together.

It was the first time I’d said this to anyone outside of my family.

Even within my family, we haven’t properly discussed it since then.

Dad doesn’t usually talk much, so he didn’t tell us what was said when they broke up. He didn’t explain why he hadn’t tried to talk her out of it. He didn’t even tell us whether he’d filed the divorce papers.

Maybe he thought it was too heavy for his nine-year-old daughter and seven-year-old son, or maybe he just didn’t want to put it into words.

Chitose sat next to me and just listened in silence.

All of a sudden, I recalled that time in my life.

As soon as my elementary school friends learned on the country grapevine that my mom was gone, they avoided me like the plague.

I guess I don’t blame them.

It’s natural for a young child to have trouble reacting to the fact that a classmate’s mother is gone. Especially when she left just because she wanted to.

What was I doing, telling Chitose?

Sure I was upset, but that’s not the only reason.

I’m not sure I would have said this to anyone else.

Maybe I figured he’d laugh it off with another of his crude jokes.

Maybe his second hug had me seeking further affection. Pathetic.

Once I finished telling my story, I was still puzzling over my choices when…

“So that’s why you reacted like that?” Chitose said softly.

I knew he was referring to my panicked reaction from before.

I nodded and cleared my throat. “It may sound dumb, but I had a flashback to that day. I got all excited, being invited out with friends for once, and I lost track of time… And while I was distracted…”

“Yeah. I get it,” Chitose said. “What happened after your mom was gone, Yua?”

“What do you mean…?”

“What did you feel? What were you thinking? How did it change you? Of course, you don’t have to tell me. But if you want to talk, I’ll stay until you’re done.”

…Honestly, I didn’t mean to even tell him this much.

Talking won’t solve anything. And it’s far too personal.

But Chitose…

He didn’t seem deeply sympathetic, overly concerned, or unsure how to respond.

At least on the surface, he was the same as ever, just continuing the conversation normally.

Well, I thought.

Now that we’ve discussed all this, we can’t go back to the casual relationship we had when we were eating ramen.

I wish I could have spent a little more time like that. But if he was willing, then I should tell him the whole story.

My mind made up, I cleared my throat again.

“…At first, I remember feeling sad. Like maybe it was my fault, and raising us was too much of a burden. If I’d been a better kid, if I’d been better at piano and flute, maybe she would have taken me with her.”

Chitose remained silent, looking off into the distance.

“Once that finally subsided, the next thing I felt was uncontrollable anger. I mean, who could blame me? Mom was selfish. She didn’t explain anything to me or my brother. She didn’t even say good-bye. Even thinking about it now that I’m older…I think what she did was completely unforgivable.”

As I spoke, the feelings I had back then came rushing back.

“She told Dad she’d be happy just to get married and build a warm family. She gave birth to my brother and me. And then she just… I don’t know how Mom felt when she left. Maybe she really did want to pursue music again. Maybe she found someone better than Dad. But even if she did…!”

I gritted my teeth.

“It’s like saying that all the good times were a lie. You know what Mom always said? She said, ‘It’s fine to be normal.’ Was she just trying to convince herself of that? ‘It’s fine to be average. It’s okay.’ Was there a part of her that was whispering that it was a lie the whole time?”

Drip, drip. Tears rolled down my cheeks.

“If that’s the case, then what about me? I lived my life by those words. Was I just being jerked around by my mother’s selfish excuses? ‘It’s okay, you don’t have to be special. You can be happy even if you live a normal life. It’s fine to be the way you are.’ It’s like…”

My tone was harsh, and I gave a pathetic laugh.

“It’s like, how am I supposed to handle my father now, after my mother basically told him, ‘Life with you is average and boring’?”

Hesitatingly, I continued.

“Ever since then, my father’s been an empty shell. He’s never once blamed Mom. He’s just quietly raised my brother and me.”

So… So…

“—So I made a promise that I’d be normal, like she taught me to be! I’d be the very ‘normal’ she herself turned her back on. I’d stick with my father and brother and bring back our happy family life. I would take Mom’s place. And that’s what I decided.”

I had kept these feelings in my heart for a long time, but once they overflowed, I couldn’t stop them.

“I did my best, Chitose. Even as a nine-year-old child, I thought hard about what I should do to keep Dad and my brother from ever feeling sad again. I wanted them not to have to worry. I began to study seriously, so there wouldn’t be any concerns about how I was turning out. I maintained moderate relationships with my classmates so they wouldn’t worry about me quarreling with others or getting bullied. I didn’t want any uncomfortable entanglements, so I kept away from the kind of kids who followed the latest fashions and trends. If I screwed up, I knew the school would call Dad. I kept smiling, even when I was upset, or in pain, or when I had to deal with someone I didn’t like. I kept the peace…so I wouldn’t cause any trouble to anyone.

“—I did everything I could to live a normal life!!!”

Gack, ack. I coughed—I basically never shouted like that.

“Ugh… Guh…”

I gazed at the sky, as if I could find more air that way, but I couldn’t see the moon at all.

“…But I want to be like you guys, too. I want to make close friends, have fun every day, joke around, fight sometimes, make up again. I want to get all excited when a good friend of mine has a crush on a guy. And maybe confide in them, if I ever get a crush on someone myself.”

I first started having those feelings when I encountered the boy I was speaking with now.

I don’t want this kind of life.

I’m just trapped in the past.

What I really want is to be like you. To live life openly.

I wanted to know what it felt like to laugh so hard I couldn’t breathe.

“Before I knew it, I was looking forward to chances to talk with you and Hiiragi. When you invited me out for ramen, my heart was racing, but I was so happy. I wanted it to continue…”

I clenched my tear-spattered fists.

“But I can’t! I have to prove that I can be happy even if I’m normal. I don’t want to do a single thing to hurt my father or my brother. I don’t want to be like my mother who abandoned us!!”

My chest heaved.

“And more than that…if I ever get close to someone…if someone ever becomes important to me…then maybe one day, I’ll lose everything again. I’ve been so afraid to be hurt like that again. I don’t want to get used to holding someone’s hand and have to let go. It scares me… It scares me so bad.”

As I spoke, I kept desperately wiping away tears that wouldn’t stop flowing.

“…So please, don’t get involved with me anymore.”

Because…you shine too bright.

The closer I get, the more my contradictions become apparent.

Because you try to see what’s on the inside.

Because I could see myself relying on you too much.

“Thank you for listening to all that.”

That, in itself, was more than enough.

Under a strange set of circumstances, I’d been able to reveal a secret I’d been holding on to all alone for years, even from my family.

For the first time since Mom left, I was able to cry in front of someone.

With this memory alone to sustain me, I think I can do my best again.

So thank you, thank you, thank you.

I’m grateful to you, the boy I thought I hated.

“…Yua… No, wait, maybe I should call you Uchida.”

Chitose looked confused.

Yeah, that’s fine, that’s fine.

Starting tomorrow, I can just be Uchida to you again.

It’s okay.

Chitose took a deep breath, and…

“What the hell?! What are you, stupid?!!!”

He really yelled it, too.

…Huh?

“Agh, man. I mean, what a load of crap.”

Why…why was he mad at me right now?

“I knew you were living a boring life, but your reasoning is completely twisted! I mean, you’re supposed to be smart, Uchida. But I only get about half of what you’ve been saying, here.”

In my shock, my tears stopped flowing.

“I can understand not wanting to worry your family, or trying to live a normal life and be happy when you’ve been through something intense. Like, when you have a really painful experience in elementary school… I can see how a kid would come to that conclusion.”

Chitose looked me straight in the eye as if almost glaring at me.

“But how long do you plan to be nine years old? You’re Yua Uchida, aren’t you?”

“Now, wait a second…!”

He’s always been like this.

He’s always getting the wrong idea.

Intruding on others’ private feelings.

Talking like he has any idea.

Hitting me where it hurts, every time.

Yeah, now that I think about it again… I really, really…

HATE YOU!!!

“You have no right to say something like that to me!”

I bellowed at the top of my lungs.

“You don’t know a damn thing about me! You grew up in a happy family with nothing to worry about. You’ve got friends all around you and all the good things in life. What, you want me to grow up into a rebellious teenager and fight my mom? How?! There’s no one to fight! Even if I want to, I can’t!”

Then…

“—Yes, you can, if you get creative.”

Chitose smiled and grabbed my hand.

“Come with me.”

He got up and started walking off.

Without knowing why, I let him tug me along.

Please, let me go.

I could have said that. I could have shaken him off.

He really does face things openly.

The strength in his eyes…

I wanted to hold on to the warmth that came from his hand in mine…just a little bit longer.

After I apologized and thanked the store staff at Hachiban Ramen and collected my bag and bicycle, Chitose brought me straight to a four-story apartment building.

It wasn’t exactly a very nice building, but the babbling of the river nearby was pleasant to listen to.

“Here…?”

I called up to Chitose, who’d climbed the stairs to the top floor and stopped in front of a door.

“Yeah. It’s my place,” he replied.

“Oh, right, you live here… Wait, what?”

He spoke so naturally that I almost just nodded along, but how could this be Chitose’s place?

“Wait a minute. I just cried a ton; I must look terrible. And I don’t have a gift or anything for your parents.”

Why did he bring me here anyway? What does this have to do with what we just discussed?

Chitose shrugged off my concerns and smiled. “It’s okay. There’s no one else here.”

He was already unlocking the door as he spoke.

No one here? Maybe his family was all away? So it was just going to be the two of us?

And we would do…what, exactly?

Of course, I didn’t expect that Chitose, who was always surrounded by beautiful girls like Hiiragi, would want to do anything to me anyway.

But it was getting late, and if his family wasn’t home…

“Um, I think I…”

“Just come in, Yua. I want to show you something.” Chitose opened the door and softly pushed me in the back.

When I stepped inside, the place was pitch-black and silent.

Coming in behind me, Chitose switched on the lights with a snap.

The soft light of an incandescent bulb illuminated the room.

We’d walked right into an open living room, and I could see some random furniture like a dining table, a sofa, and bookshelves.

There was a faint sense of incongruity. Something was missing.

Chitose quickly took off his sneakers and put on his slippers, then fumbled around inside the shoebox.

He pulled out a cheap-looking pair of slippers, probably from the hundred-yen store.

Not to be snooty, but they were a bit thin, and they were still connected with a little plastic thread.

Blowing any stray dust off them, he bit the plastic thread with his teeth, pulled the slippers apart, and placed them on the floor in front of me.

“Come on in.”

There was no way I could back down at this point, so I timidly slipped out of my loafers and arranged them neatly with Chitose’s sneakers, which he’d randomly kicked off.

Seeing the two pairs of shoes lined up tidily by the door was satisfying.

“Excuse me…”

I walked in, and…you couldn’t exactly call the place tidy.

I always cook for my family, so I couldn’t help but look at the kitchen.

There was a cup of instant ramen sitting out with broth left in it, but there were no plates, chopsticks, or other tableware to be found anywhere.

On the dining table were plastic bottles, half-drunk cups of coffee, and empty convenience store food containers.

The sofa was occupied by T-shirts and shorts heaped in a laundry pile, and it was impossible to tell if they were dirty or clean.

A baseball bat and a glove sat in a discreet corner.

“You know,” Chitose said to me as I looked around, “maybe it’s a little too soon for you to see inside this room…”

As he spoke, he opened the sliding door in the living room.

“Um… Excuse me…”

Somewhat nervously, I went and stood beside him to look.

It was a small room of about six tatami mats in size, adjacent to the living room.

And all that was in there was…a single bed.

“Huh…?”

I live in a stand-alone house.

I don’t really know much about the floor plans of apartment buildings, but…

But this…

“It’s a 1LDK. One bedroom, with a living/dining/kitchen room,” Chitose explained.

For some reason, even though this was just his home, I got chills down my spine.

Thinking back on it, there were clues.

A strangely clean entryway, brand-new slippers waiting to be used, a cluttered room with only boy things in it, an unused sink that suggested no one ever cooked there.

Only one bed in the bedroom.

And above all…there was no atmosphere of cozy, mixed clutter, like in places where several people lived together.

No signs of Mom in the kitchen, none of Dad’s bottles of whiskey or hobby tools, no scratch marks left by naughty younger brothers…

The room reflected only the occupancy of the boy named Chitose.

“Figured it out?”

Embarrassed, Chitose scratched his head.

“I don’t have my parents, either. Neither of them. And it hurts.”

I should have been prepared, but I couldn’t help but gasp.

“…Uh… I…I mean…”

The things I’d said to Chitose came back to me in a rush.

“Ask your mother to teach you to cook.”

“Oh, too cool to hang with your mother? Must be nice to be rebellious.”

“You grew up in a happy family with nothing to worry about.”

…What was wrong with me?

Why did I think I was the only one?

I was just stewing in my own thoughts. Anyone who laughed in such a carefree way must have grown up in a happy environment. People with sadness in their past would let it show on their faces.

I was too wrapped up in myself. I was just lashing out without any idea of what was really going on.

Chitose continued, as if it was all no big deal.

“My parents got divorced when I was in junior high. We actually all discussed it together, and the writing had been on the wall for some time. It was my choice to live alone, and I can call them whenever I feel like it.”

He looked me in the eye.

“Still, I think we’re in kinda similar situations. So I guess I have the right to intrude a little, huh?”

He smiled bashfully.

God. This guy is really…

“Pfft…”

“Uh, Yua?”

“…Ah-ha-ha-ha!”

Before I knew what I was doing, I was belly-laughing.

“Is that the right response to be having, really?”

Chitose sounded confused.

“I mean…that’s such a forced comparison! You react totally different to trauma in elementary school than you do in junior high. And you knew it was coming… You weren’t blindsided. It’s so weird that you’d think we’re in the same situation!”

“Well, all right, I’m sure it was tougher for you, Yua. But come on, it’s kinda the same thing, right?”

No, it’s not!

It’s really, really not!

You may think I suffered more. But I’m not so sure.

They’d shared even more years and memories together—separating after that must have been even harder.

A nine-year-old has nothing else to do but to cry, but he was old enough to understand better, and that probably meant more conflicts and frustrations, too.

The relationship between his parents slowly breaking down before his eyes, the helplessness of having to stand by and watch, the loneliness of being able to call them, but maybe not wanting to, of living alone instead of choosing one or the other. He must have been really sad.

And it’s okay to let yourself be immersed in that sadness.

Who could blame him for crying or complaining?

But…he was being so casual about it?

Offering up his past pain as a way to get through to me?

I mean, seriously.

What a warm, kind, strong person he must be.

You might look at him and think it’s a normal reaction to divorce.

Maybe he’s just coldhearted. Maybe he’s just gotten over it already. Maybe he just doesn’t really care.

But I know how it really feels. Boy, do I.

When someone’s been there since the day you were born, the most natural thing in the world, you start believing they’ll always be there. In fact, it’s not about believing or not. You just never imagine anything different. Your parents will always be there. Of course they will. And then to part from them is incredibly painful.

It’s like having half of yourself, half of your life as you know it, ripped away from you.

And honestly, you wouldn’t want anyone else to know about it.

The moment someone finds out, you see the pity in their eyes. And you feel so alone, like you’ve been cast out of the world of normalcy.

It’s like you’re just walking down the road, and someone points at you and yells, “Hey, everyone, don’t you feel sorry for them?!”

Even if the day comes when you find someone to open up to, it’s normal to sugarcoat and give disclaimers and carefully select your words.

But if there’s a reason why Chitose has been able to be so blasé about this…

Then it’s for the sake of the person he decided to tell about his parents… Or perhaps she found out quite by happenstance.

In that moment, that person is me. Yua Uchida.

And his casualness was to stop me from having to feel the weight of his sad past in addition to my own pain and confusion.

He was protecting me from the regret of my own careless words. This was to preserve our future conversations, too.

No, he and I aren’t alike at all.

He’s so much more mature than…

“Do you want to keep talking?”

Chitose asked.

“…Yes!”

I answered without hesitation, then looked around the room before saying…

“But before that, can I clean up a bit?”

He scratched his cheek pensively.

“Wow, now I feel embarrassed.”

As Chitose stared at the floor like a scolded child, I burst out laughing.

I threw away empty food and drinks, washed the cups and gave the sink a wipe, folded the clothes on the sofa (turns out the pile was clean laundry), and disposed of the expired food in the refrigerator. Then finally, after making coffee, I settled down on the sofa.

During that time, Chitose was sitting on his knees and fidgeting uncomfortably.

Several times he asked me, “Is there anything I can do?” and a few times he said, “Oh, you can just leave that!” until I told him to “Sit there and be good!” Which he meekly did.

I took a sip of coffee. “All right, thank you for waiting.”

“…Uh, thank you.”

“Hee-hee, you can sit normally now.”

Chitose, beside me on the sofa, unfolded his legs with some embarrassment and got up as if he’d just thought of something. He went over and switched on his little radio.

Maybe even a guy like him gets nervous being alone in private with a girl.

From the radio, a nostalgic piano sonata was playing at a low volume.

“It’s ‘Für Elise.’”

When I was in elementary school, I couldn’t play it properly on the keyboard, and I remember practicing with my mother many times.

Chitose came back and sat down heavily beside me, as if to dispel the slight tension in the atmosphere.

He turned to me. “Hey, you know…”

I shook my head. “I know what you want to say.”

Chitose narrowed his eyes, which I took as a gesture to continue.

“You think it’s messed up, don’t you? My way of life. My philosophy.”

“Hmm, well.”

“A little while ago, you asked me how long I plan to stay nine years old.”

“That was a little harsh.”

I shook my head, looking down. “I’ve been pretending not to notice it myself, but it’s true. I’m still bound by a set of self-contradictory rules dreamed up by a pathetic nine-year-old girl.”

“Specifically when it comes your mother. And how the word normal features in your memories of her.”

“There you go again, poking where it hurts…”

I realized that, at some point, I’d stopped keeping him at arm’s length in the way I talked to him.

Chitose stretched out his legs. “But what’s a normal way of living anyway? You enter Fuji High as the highest exam scorer, and you think you can just be normal? You’ll get a protractor triangle between the shoulder blades sooner or later if you try that.”

“Well, I guess… I guess I wasn’t expecting to score the highest. It just happened accidentally because I study every day…”

“I could stab you with an ear pick right now if you’d prefer?” he said. “Thing is…avoiding making friends, not dressing nicely, just putting up with it when you don’t like something… That’s not ‘being normal.’ It’s being a loner. It’s being drab. It’s being a pushover.”

“Wow, don’t hold back on my account!”

Honestly, he ought to have a license to use that tongue.

I sighed, then composed myself again and cleared my throat.

“I guess you’re right, Chitose. But to me, a normal life meant not creating any trouble for my family. It all got confused. But ultimately all that matters is not causing a fuss.”

“Incidentally, what about hanging out with fashionable kids is ‘causing a fuss’…?”

“…I mean, like, hanging out on the streets and getting mixed up with delinquents…”

“High school girls are delinquents? What is this, the fifties?” Chitose exclaimed.

Now that he pointed it out…I wanted to dig a hole in the ground and disappear into it.

After laughing for a while, Chitose gave me a teasing look.

“You’ve lost sight of what normal people are like, Yua.”

“What do you…?”

But he interrupted me as I was responding.

“You should take a step back and try to view things more normally, first off. Go to school every day normally, make normal friends, hang out like kids do. Fight sometimes, make up, don’t study or work in your club too, too hard. Enjoy dressing nicely, catch feelings for someone, and fall in love. All normal. Isn’t that the kind of happiness your mother wanted for you, Yua? Think about it rationally. Normally. Isn’t that what being normal is? …I think I’m saying the word normal too much. Normal. Nor-mal. Ugh, it’s lost all meaning.”

Yes… Yes, he was right.

All those things were ridiculously commonplace.

However…

—In the farthest recesses of my heart, that was exactly the world I always wanted to live in.

Crack. I could hear it splintering.

Again.

Because of him, something was about to break again.

The words were so simple.

What Chitose was saying here wasn’t exactly complex philosophy.

If you ask the average person what “normal happiness” is, maybe nine out of ten would give you the exact same answer.

But, I thought.

No one had ever told this sad, misguided nine-year-old that her way of living was wrong.

Of course, that was all my fault.

I didn’t want to confide in others. I didn’t want to rely on them. I didn’t want anyone to know me.

But him…

It was like he’d been able to see my secret suffering right from the start.

That’s why he rubbed me the wrong way so much. Why I tried to push him away. Why I couldn’t stop thinking about him.

“Besides,” Chitose said, crossing his arms behind his head.

“Yua, you say you don’t want to worry your family, but they’ve gotta feel like you’re shutting them out. They’re sad that you don’t lean on them. Right?”

“Huh…?”

Pointing at my chest with his finger, he said…

“I mean, when your mom left, didn’t you wonder why she didn’t talk to you if she was in so much turmoil? Why did she suffer alone? Why didn’t she confide in her family?”

Ask yourself, it was like he was saying.

“…”

This time, it hit me like a fist to the side of the head.

Right.

After Mom disappeared…I’ve had that thought almost daily.

If it had gotten too hard to care for us, why couldn’t she let us know?

I could learn to clean and do the laundry. I could get really good at cooking and take over.

If Mom wanted to play the piano again, why didn’t she just say so?

I never rebelled. I always tried to be a good kid.

Even if she had a new boyfriend or something, I could have helped her remember what’s so great about Dad. I could have changed her mind.

Right, I…

“…I’ve become just like her.”

That path only leads to a dead end, until you have to throw everything away, and still…

Chitose half smiled.

“Most parents live however they want, so why should we be the only ones to suffer the consequences? That’s the case with your household, too. Of course, your mom was wrong for leaving. But your dad was selfish, too. He kept it from his kids and just let her leave, too.

“Still,” he said, continuing.

“Isn’t that the way it goes? Not just with family, but with friends, and boyfriends or girlfriends, too. I think everyone lives as they please, inconveniencing others or being sneaky for our own benefit. I mean, you’re more than just your parents’ kid. You’re more than just your younger brother’s big sister. You’re more than just a quiet honor student. You’re more than just some normal girl.”

Chitose patted me on the shoulder.

“You’re Yua Uchida, right?”

Then he laughed out loud.

Crash. Patter, patter.

In my head, I heard the sound of breaking glass.

How…how?

How do you know me better than I know myself?

I’ve been wanting someone to tell me this for a long time.

For someone to notice.

For someone to discover me.

To say, You don’t have to live like this. You can lift your head and face the future.

I want good friends. I want to laugh with others every day. I want to dress up and wear makeup because, dang it, I’m a girl. When I don’t like something, I wanna be able to say it. When I fall for someone, I wanna be able to tell them.

“…Your life is yours, isn’t it?”

The jagged shard that had been stuck deep in my chest finally melted away.

Finally, I understood.

Chitose has lived his life this way.

He doesn’t blame things on the past. He doesn’t use others as an excuse. He stands on his own two feet.

But…

“Can I, though? I’ve been so docile for such a long time… I built a wall for myself and shut myself in, so if I suddenly throw all of it away…”

I was still afraid to take that next step. My mouth made a pathetic whine.

Chitose suddenly flicked my forehead.

“Ow, hey…?!”

The pain spread slowly, and it was somehow…reassuring.

“Don’t be ridiculous. You think Yuuko and I chat with you as part of some nerd outreach program? Don’t ask me to explain why, ’cause it’s embarrassing, but we’ve both taken an interest in you. We both want to be friends with you.”

Chitose softly placed his hand on the spot between my neck and shoulder.

“I don’t know much about the value of living, though. After all, you can kill a person with a good squeeze here. No one knows what will happen tomorrow. You might get into an accident or get sick. Your family might suddenly disappear, someone you thought was your friend might turn their back on you, you might lose sight of your dreams. I mean, you and I know that better than most, right? So…”

He moved his fingertips from my neck to my cheek.

“I can’t replace your mother or make it so the past didn’t happen. But together, we can create new memories for the future. Here, today, right now. We’ll never get the chance to do this time over again. And it just so happens that we come from a similar set of circumstances. If you don’t mind being friends with me…then we can have fun, and laugh, and cry, and fight, and annoy each other…just like another kind of family.”

He stopped talking, smiling with his eyes.

“—Let’s become the kind of friends who can make up for each other’s shortcomings.”

At that moment, I burst into tears.

Heavy drops left my cheek and your fingers wet.

The warmth of your touch was gentle, reassuring, reliable.

Honestly… He really is just so…

“Honestly, Saku, you really…”

I grabbed his proffered hand and held it tight.

“…All right, then!”

And I laughed, my face all screwed up with emotion.

After that, I went out on the balcony and called Dad.

I suppose it would have been better to look him in the eye and tell him directly, but it took a lot of courage to reveal the feelings I’d kept hidden in my heart for all these years. I felt more confident telling him here.

When I told Saku that I might be a while, he smiled with those gentle eyes and said, “It’s cool. I’ll be taking a bath, so take as long as you need.”

The day Mom left, I had made several decisions. I set doctrines for myself. But now I planned to do things differently.

I told Dad everything, with no pretenses, as gently as I could.

Halfway through, I could hear Dad’s voice trembling. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t notice. I let you worry… I let you suffer in silence…”

He kept apologizing like that, over and over.

At the end, I even had a little talk with my brother.

My long, long fight against no one was finally over.

Then I ended the call and reentered the room, to find…

“—Hng?!”

…Saku, shirtless, with a towel around his neck, sipping a soda, cool as you please.

“Can I ask what you think you’re doing?”

By reflex, my stiff way of speaking returned.

“Say what now?”

“Clothes! Please! Put on some clothes!”

“Oh, right.”

Saku randomly pulled out a T-shirt from the laundry I’d just folded and yanked it on, as if under duress.

“You’re used to living in a house full of men, aren’t you?”

True, my brother lounges around like that after a bath, and sometimes he even gets changed when I’m in the room.

“That’s not the point here! Do you dress like that when other girls come around?!”

“What other girls?”

“Uh, like, Hiiragi…?”

“You’re the first, Yua,” Saku said casually.

“Huh?”

“You’re the first girl who’s been to my place. That’s what I’m saying.”

“Oh… Really…?”

My heart skipped a beat.

“The heck? You think I have a revolving door of girls coming in and out of here or something?”

“…Uh, yeah, a little bit.”

“I’m not going to dignify that suggestion with a response.”

After a short silence, we both snorted with laughter.

All of a sudden, everything just seemed hilarious to me.

I’m the first, am I?

Me?

Thump, thump, badump.

No, this isn’t what it looks like, I thought, trying to deny my own joyful heartbeat, but then I realized…I don’t have to do that anymore.

I settled back against the sofa, mulling through emotions I’m not used to fully feeling yet, and…

“How’d it go with your dad?” Saku asked, beside me.

“He apologized a lot for how things have been. He said he’s leaned on me too much. From now on, he’s going to help with the housework and cooking so I can go out and have fun more. He said that’s what he always wanted anyway.”

“Right. I see.”

“It was kinda…anticlimactic. I should have said something earlier. It was so simple, but it took so long to be able to say it… I told my brother I was sorry for not making dinner tonight, and he must have been starving…and he just laughed.”

“Heh. What did he say?”

“He said I smother him. He’s already in junior high and can feed himself. He can just grab instant ramen or something from the convenience store.”

“Well, yeah.”

“Ha-ha.” I laughed, showing my teeth.

I was a little bit fascinated by how he looked from the side—and how his hair was shining, still slightly wet.

Then suddenly, Saku looked at his phone.

“Yikes, it’s kinda late.”

I grabbed my own phone. It was already eleven PM.

“I’ll take you home, Yua.”

But as Saku was getting up, I shook my head. “Er, I was thinking I’d sleep over?”

“Oh, right, I… Wait, what?!”

Now it was his turn to be all freaked out.

I got the reaction I wanted and had to fight a grin.

“Hey you, are you nuts?”

Now I kinda understood how Hiiragi felt when she said he could call her, “Hey, you,” if the urge took him.

This kind of informality isn’t bad at all.

“But I already got Dad’s permission, you know?”

“Don’t give me a heart attack, here.”

“Well, I left out the part where you’re a guy. I said I was at a sympathetic friend’s house and planned to sleep over. Dad actually sounded happy. I’ve never asked to stay over at anyone’s place before.”

“You left out the biggest part of this setup, and you barely even batted an eye, huh?”

I giggled. “Would it be an imposition?”

“An imposition? I mean, yeah?!”

“But, Saku, you said we have to live as we see fit, sometimes inconveniencing others, sometimes being sneaky for our own benefit.”

“Yeah, but some things are more inconvenient than others. You can’t just stamp on the accelerator. How naive are you?”

“But you told me you wanted to be friends… Like a little family,” I teased as he scratched his head awkwardly. “Thanks to a certain someone, it’s the first time since that day that I’ve let loose. I think you have some obligation to take responsibility here.”

“You know…” He let out a sigh of resignation. “Darn it. If I pounce on you, don’t go crying.”

“It’s okay. You don’t see me as a romantic prospect anyway, right, Saku?”

I figured responding to that might be difficult for him, so I continued.

“Anyway, could you come with me to the convenience store? I need, um, stuff.”

“Okay.”

“And can I have a bath?”

“I’ll…I’ll do some practice swings outside, so you can do that while I’m gone.”

“All right. I’ll try not to be too long.”

I knew I was being really bold.

But…just for tonight.

I just wanted to talk to him awhile longer.

I wanted to be with him awhile longer.

I mean… Yeah. I’d gotten totally carried away…

After shopping at the convenience store and taking a bath, Saku took another shower after getting all sweaty. By then, it was already past midnight.

Now the two of us were sitting side by side on the sofa, drinking iced lattes.

Saku told me to grab something from the closet, so now I was wearing a baggy sweatshirt that was loose and cozy.

“You won’t be able to sleep if we have caffeine this late, will you?” said Saku.

“Hmm, I don’t really feel like sleeping anytime soon anyway. Thanks for staying up with me, though.”

“Oh, I can fall asleep after a coffee in the middle of the night.”

“Oh, well, that’s good to know.”

Then I had a sudden thought.

“Speaking of which, Saku, you’ve been living alone for about half a year, right?”

“Yeah, since I entered high school.”

“So you must be pretty used to it by now, right?”

“Yeah. This place has gotten pretty comfortable.”

“Then what was with the sob story earlier?”

“…I make no apology.”

Seeing Saku scratching his cheek as if to hide his embarrassment, I smiled wryly.

“You’re a boy, so some level of messiness is expected, right? My brother’s like that, too. But your food is mostly freeze-dried or frozen, or it’s from the convenience store or some fast-food place, right?”

I’d found a lot of those kinds of containers and packages in the trash.

Saku shifted, embarrassed.

“Yeah, recently, I’ve been a little worried about that myself. Up until summer vacation, I was paying attention to my diet. It wasn’t anything fancy, but I focused on cooking rice every day, grilling meat or fish, and getting vegetables in as much as possible. I was trying to build my body.”

Oh, the baseball club, I thought.

But I figured I’d better not get ahead of myself and pry. I didn’t want to give away how much I already knew.

Saku couldn’t know that I’d been watching that scene from the window of the music room. And I still had no idea what was really going on with him when that was occurring.

So I kept my tone light.

“Even though you look like a perfect superhuman at school, even you fall short sometimes, eh?”

“Does it awaken your maternal instincts?”

“Yeah,” I answered lightly.

“Huh?”

“So from now on, I’ll make the meals around here. I can’t do it every day, but I can come here from time to time. I’ll bring some staples, and then fresh stuff on a regular basis.”

“…What, like a wife who still works?”

“Hey, watch how you phrase it! Well, when you have some free time, I’d appreciate you accompanying me to the grocery store. My brother’s growing, and he consumes an unbelievable amount of food.”

Saku chuckled mischievously. “You know, just a short while ago you were blubbering all like, ‘Don’t get involved with me!’ weren’t you?”

“…Was here where you squeeze?”

“Ack! Yua! Didn’t I just tell you how that can kill someone?!”

Well, I’m embarrassed enough to die. Or kill the only witness.

But all I really can focus on right now is how I can do something to repay this guy for what he’s done for me.

“Honestly, Saku…”

When I pouted and deliberately turned my back, he snorted with laughter behind me again.

“All right, I give.” Saku held out his hand. “Then would you be so kind, Yua?”

I smiled and said, “All right. Leave it to me.”

And I gripped his hand tight.

Before long, it started seeming like a good time to get some sleep. Saku announced that he would take the sofa so I could use the bed.

Of course, I tried to refuse, but Saku wasn’t about to cave.

He’s a flirt, but this was one of the ways he seemed to be oddly old-fashioned.

For my part, I could have gone on talking for hours.

I’m sure…I’m sure it would be annoying… But I wanted to keep talking right up until I fell asleep.

I wanted to listen to his voice.

That’s why I suggested moving the sofa in the living room into the bedroom.

Of course, pushing the sofa right up to the bed felt weird, so I left a modest gap.

However, it was a shame that the backrest of the sofa formed a sort of wall. At least if I turned it sideways, we could see each other’s faces.

Getting everything arranged kept me excited, but once it was done, and I peeled back the sheets, I felt my face burn with sudden embarrassment.

What was I doing?

Oh well. It was too late to retreat now. So I resigned myself to lying down.

When I covered myself with a blanket, the smell was very masculine, and not in the same way as my dad and my brother.

The scent of shampoo and cologne wafted from the surface, with a hint of earthiness underneath that smelled like sweat and soil, like grass on a sunny day.

After taking a few deep breaths through my nose, I seemed to view the whole setup from above, and I almost freaked.

What was I doing?

It was too late to back out now.

Has Saku noticed this tension?

Grr! No! He seems perfectly calm!

He was so casual, like he was completely oblivious to my turmoil, when he said:

“Yua, are you still awake?”

“…Yeah.”

“Can we still talk?”

“…Yes, I’d like to talk a little while longer, too.”

“Being stiff again.”

“Er, okay. Sure. Let’s talk.”

“Remember when I said how it makes it feel like all the fun times were a lie?”

“Yeah…”

“Yua… Do you still hold a grudge against your mom?”

“…Yes, I do. I’m angry. I can’t accept what she did.”

“Oh, right.”