2

Gunshots ring out under an alien sky.

Each time my assault rifle spits out rounds, the enemies around me randomly take cover.

“Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Kneel before the Kisaragi Corporation’s Agent Six! Be sure to mention my name when they ask who sent you to hell!”

“Boss! Can’t you stop using that line? It makes us sound like the bad guys!”

As I cackle and eliminate the enemy, Rose, the Artificial Chimera, sighs. She keeps the enemy from closing in, kicking the ones that get too close.

“Don’t be ridiculous! This is war! Winning is all that matters! They say the good guys always win, right? That means winning justifies everything else! It doesn’t matter how much villainy I’m up to on a daily basis. So long as I win, I’m still the hero!”

“I may not be very smart, but I’m pretty sure you’re wrong there!”

Tiger Man is leading the remaining Kisaragi operatives against the Demon Lord’s Army coming from a different direction.

My squadron is taking on one of the enemy’s elite companies.

Ordinarily, it’s not a force you take on with just five members, but hey, I’m known as Agent Six, Kisaragi’s oldest surviving veteran elite combat operative.

Thanks to the marvels of modern technology, Alice and I use the devastating power of firearms to overpower the demons who brought swords and knives to a gun fight.

Rose backs away from me a bit as I cackle and fire off random shots from my rifle. Snow comes to join me instead, looking quite pleased with herself.

“Six! There’s a lot of them. Use that weird weapon to wipe them all out! I’ve gotten to do enough test cuts with my new sword! I’ll give you a full account of this wonderful blade’s edge over drinks… It slices through flesh like it’s butter…”

“Hard pass on the gory stories! Hang on a sec; I’ll take out the Demon Lord’s Army for you. Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Who’s next on the chopping block? Come get som—”

With a loud click, my assault rifle stops firing.

“Um… Uh-oh. Gimme a sec, my gun just jammed…!”

I smack my rifle, trying to remove the jammed round. Snow’s expression sours with concern.

“H-hey, Six! They’ve surrounded us! H-h-hurry up! Quick!”

“Don’t rush me! Shaking me will only slow me down! Where the hell is Grimm? This is why we have her, isn’t it?!”

Yes, Grimm, Archbishop of the dark god Zenarith.

As a follower of a dark god, she doesn’t do a whole lot during the day, but she’s useful against a large group of enemies like this one.

“She’s the best one to hold off…”

I get the jammed round out of my rifle and turn around to see…Grimm sitting there in her wheelchair, happily asleep and drooling from the corner of her mouth.

“She fell sleep as soon as the battle started.”

“Take advantage of the fact that she’s sleeping and toss her out there!”

A lizard-shaped demon jumps at me while I’m barking orders at Rose.

Just as the demon leaps, its flank gets pumped full of shotgun shells, and it crumples to the ground with a whimper before going still.

“Thanks, Alice! I guess you can be useful from time to time!”

“Yep, I’m the high-spec pretty-girl android Meowlice, after all. But pay attention, here come the next ones.”

The demons in front of us advance, as though they were waiting for Alice’s go-ahead.

I send the requisition I scrawled before battle, then shoot off a burst of rifle fire.

As the demons cower at the gunfire, I grab the teleported object and toss it toward them.

“Scared me for a second there, you bastards! Taste the power of SCIENCE!”

I take cover. The high-yield explosive I tossed into the group of the demons goes off with a blast, cutting down the horde!

3

We’re greeted by an adoring crowd when we return to the city.

“Good work, Man in Black!”

“Man in Black, you’re so dreamy! You’re so cool!”

“Welcome back, Captain Snow!”

“Hey, it’s the Fly! Zip down your fly!”

The phrase “Man in Black” refers to the awesome sight of me dressed in Kisaragi battle armor.

With our string of victories, I’ve become a favorite among the citizens…

“You goddamned brats! That’s the last damned straw! I’m going to shove some Diet Coke and Mentos up your ass!”

“Gaaaaaaah! You’re acting like an overgrown child, Fly! Help! HELP!”

I chase after the brat who called me the Fly, but the soldiers who came to greet us hurriedly rush up to stop me.

“Sir Six! I apologize for interrupting your righteous fury, but I have a message from Princess Tillis. She requests your presence at the castle once you’ve rested. We’ll make sure to give the lad a stern talking-to… Sir Six, S-Sir Six! Please don’t do that to a child!”

And so we arrive at the tavern that’s become our go-to watering hole on this planet.

“Well, here’s to our victory! Cheers!”

““Cheers!””

With our reward money in hand, we’ve come for a celebratory drink.

“…Aaah! There’s nothing like a beer after a good day’s work! Hey, drinks are on me tonight! Drink up!”

“Hey, Six, pay me the money you owe me before you go off buying everyone drinks.”

Alice usually stays home because she doesn’t eat or drink, but she decided to tag along tonight. She starts the evening by pouring cold water on the party.

“Thank you, Boss!” Rose cries. “You’re the best boss in the world when you’re paying for my food! And I look up to you, too!”

“It’s so true. I can’t say I dislike how generous you can be! But your spending habits make you less than ideal as a partner!” Alice adds.

“Ha-ha! You’re far too kind! Food and drinks are on me again on payday!”

“Th-that sounds like praise to you…?” Snow looks at me with exasperation, taking small sips of her drink.

“Huh, it’s pretty rare for you to come with us, Alice. Did Lilith give you a digestive system?”

“You’ve even dropped the pretense of hiding our identities ever since Snow found out about our spying. I suppose I should’ve expected that given you’re a meathead, but still…”

Currently, our position in the kingdom is a bit complicated.

I’m a mercenary hired to lead a squadron and the liaison to the Kisaragi Corporation.

And yet for some reason, Snow, who was promoted back to captain of the Royal Guard, is still tagging along with our group. She insists she’s been assigned to keep an eye on us, but I’m pretty sure she’s been sent here to get her out of the way.

I’ve already explained to the squad members that Alice and I come from another world. At first, they stared at me like I had a few screws loose in my head, but now they’ve accepted that we’re mages from beyond the stars.

“I’m here as part of my investigations into the planet. It’s possible that the stuff locals eat is poisonous to humans from Earth. Do you even know where that meat on your plate came from?”

Alice’s question prompts me to stare closely at the plate in front of me…

“Hey, barkeep! What do you use in the daily specials I order?”

“Hmm? You’ve been eating it all this time without knowing? Today’s meat is orc. The skirmishes with the Demon Lord’s Army’s made quality orc meat nice and cheap.”

Hearing that, I set my plate to the side.

“What’s wrong, Boss? I’ll eat it if you don’t want it.”

“You won’t eat grasshoppers, but you’re fine with orc? Aren’t orcs, well…the things on two legs we fight all the time? Pretty sure they can talk.”

I’ve eaten most things over my career, but I have to admit I’m a little creeped out by the idea of eating sentient creatures I can chat with.

Alice looks curiously at the contents of my plate, while Snow lets out a dismissive snort.

“I didn’t realize you had such a delicate stomach,” Snow scoffs. “Our kingdom is mostly wasteland, and water is precious. That makes vegetables rare and valuable. But you can find meat everywhere you look. Picky eaters don’t last long around these parts. Here, have some supopocchi and poison spoiler.”

“Stop that! Don’t put that weird crap on my plate! The second one sounds pretty dangerous!”

Snow pushes a plate in front of me, which I promptly shove back in her direction.

Alice chooses that moment to pipe up. “Hey, you lot. You’re off tomorrow, right? If you want to earn a little extra money, I’d like your help with a job.”

“Sure, but it’ll cost you a pretty penny. Mr. Six doesn’t come cheap.”

“…It’s supposed to be your job, too, but whatever…”

Alice rolls her eyes at me. Rose looks over apologetically.

“I’m sorry. I already promised Grimm I’d help her with something tomorrow…”

“Yes, I’m afraid tomorrow is this month’s Zenarith Assembly. Would the rest of you like to come? It’s called an assembly, but so far only Rose and I are attending.”

“Honestly, I kinda wanna see this,” I reply with interest, while Rose raises her face in surprise, as if hearing the news for the first time.

“Wait, what? You didn’t say anything about that! You said we were going to a fun meeting to listen to stories, like a tea party!”

“Sermons about Lord Zenarith are both enlightening and fun! I’ll serve tea, too, so make sure you come! I already paid you for your time by buying you dinner, so no take-backs! Besides, you’re one of the few Zenarith followers around!”

“I don’t remember converting! First Boss pushed that weird badge on me, and now this. Stop trying to drag me into weird things!”

Rose continues her indignant rant while Snow looks over at Alice with shining eyes.

“How much are you paying? I could always use a little extra income to pay off my loans. What do you need me to do?” Snow asks enthusiastically, invading Alice’s personal space.

Alice lets out what sounds like an annoyed sigh, pushing Snow’s face aside. “We’re looking into this.”

Alice points at Snow’s plate.

4

The wilderness of this world is ruthless.

Much of the continent is covered in red wasteland, while the greener areas are covered with deep woodlands filled with deadly ecosystems.

Snow and I are here in these dangerous woodlands…

“Look, Six,” Snow whispers. “There’s a mokemoke! It’s delicious when boiled! Let’s go over and grab it!”

“Mokemoke my ass! Why does something so deadly looking have such a cute name? It’s more likely to eat us than the other way around!”

We’re hiding among the leaves in the heavily wooded area, watching a dangerous giant creature.

Basically, it’s a crawfish the size of a storage shed.

It looks to have caught a similarly gigantic snake between its pincers.

“Mokemoke meat loses its gaminess and becomes tender after a nice long boil. The reason they’re called mokemokes is because of their cry…”

“Thank you for the explanation, but let’s focus on staying hidden for now, ’kay?”

Alice closely watches this battle of the beasts, filming it with her digital camera. “The life-forms on this planet really love ignoring the laws of physics. There’s no way crustaceans can grow that big. So which one’s the mokemoke?”

“The thing with the pincers is the mokemoke. The one that’s about to be eaten is a supopocchi. They’re pretty tasty, too.”

“Can we stop with the commentary and get out of here before they find us?” I plead to the pair with a look of desperation.

“Ah. Look at that, Six, the supopocchi’s fighting back. It appears this planet’s snakes don’t constrict their prey. Seems they smack them with their tails instead. Fascinating.”

“We’re in luck. Supopocchis don’t do that move very often.”

“Could you at least stop repeating that name? It makes us sound stupid. Haven’t we seen enough here, Alice? Can we move on?”

Sure, this is a Kisaragi-assigned mission, but I’m more than ready to head home.

Fighting back tears, I gingerly turn my back to move away from this spot when a triumphant cry of “Mokemoke!” rings out from behind us—

“—Snow, what’s with the supopocchi hanging from that tree? Is something that lives here making dried meat out of it?”

“Ah, that? That’s how the Bashin tribe marks its territory.”

“Let’s go home! That can’t be good! Are you two missing your sense of self-preservation or something? That looks like a creepy sacrifice!”

With the mokemoke far behind us, we come across the shocking sight of a supopocchi with its head bashed in. It hangs limply from a tree.

“The Bashin tribe are a very aggressive tribe of barbarians. They’re highly territorial and tough enough to survive in these woods. Their name comes from the fact that they bash in heads with blunt instruments…”

“This is hardly the time for an anthropology lesson! Something’s been following us. If they’re that territorial, we should get out of here ASAP. What the hell is wrong with you two today? Usually you’re much more eager to run away!”

I nudge Snow along, hoping to urge her to get out of here.

“I’m a professional, Six. Sure, I’ve half assed some things given the pittance the kingdom pays me. But with how much Alice is paying? You better believe I’ll fulfill my duty. My commitment to promises secured with money is ironclad.”

So she’s admitting she won’t follow through on all other commitments?

Suddenly…

Loud thumps ring out, as though someone is bashing a tree trunk with a hard object.

The sounds are coming from nearby.

In fact, I feel like someone or something has been watching me from that direction for a while now…!

“That sound is happening at regular intervals. Must be some kind of signal.”

“Impressive, Alice. Yes, this is how the Bashin tribe calls in reinforcements when they’ve found their prey…”

Before the two finish their exchange, I take off like a shot!

I lose track of how long I’ve been running.

Seems I’ve managed to lose those tribesmen, but when I look around…

“Dammit! I lost them…!”

I ran off, assuming Alice and Snow would follow right behind me, but they’re nowhere to be seen.

The bigger problem is that I have no idea where I’m going. Given that I’m on an alien planet, my watch’s compass doesn’t function properly.

“Uuugh! Where the hell did they go? I bet they’re taking their sweet time. And during an emergency, to boot. I’m going to give them an earful when I find them,” I grumble, but of course nobody responds.

I’m starting to get a little unnerved by the random screams and cries ringing out from the shadowy forest.

“Well…maybe I shouldn’t have left them behind like that. I guess I’ll spare them the lecture. Hear that, guys? You can come out now. I’m not mad, honest. I mean, I understand if your legs froze up, and you couldn’t run. Not everyone can be like me and keep their wits enough to make a hasty retreat, after all.”

I continue rambling, raising my voice a bit. If there is anyone around that understands a word I say, they make no reply. The only sounds I hear from around me are the monstrous cries of wild animals.

The lack of cell phone towers means I can’t just call Alice on the phone.

Actually, now that I think of it, does she even have a cell phone? Even if I ordered a radio, it wouldn’t do me much good if the other party didn’t have a radio of their own…

“Hey, wait…!”

I just need to write a note about my current situation and send it to Kisaragi headquarters. They can then send Alice to pick me up.

She’s smart. She’ll definitely be able to find me once she knows where I am.

I let out a sigh of relief and reach for my memo pad—

“Mokemokemoke!”

I hear a distinct cry from behind me.

I hesitantly turn around, coming face-to-face with a one-armed mokemoke…!

Hoping to intimidate it, I spread my arms widely and let out a wild cry!

“MOKEMOKEMOKEMOKE!!”

“Mo?!”

My sudden actions drive the mokemoke backward.

The mokemoke studies me, foaming from its mouth. I get closer, continuing my mokemoke cry, staying in a ready stance to avoid showing any weakness…!

Just then…

“Mokeke…”

It lets out a soft cry, as if to show it had no aggressive intentions, and lowers its pincer.

Did my desperate cries convince it I was a friend?

Come to think of it, there’s so much about this planet I still don’t understand. The mokemoke, despite its appearance, might actually be a gentle creature. I suppose it’s a wishy-washy thing for an evil minion to believe, but I think I just made a friend here in this dark forest.

The mokemoke gently extends its pincer toward me. I let out a soft chuckle…

As I hold out my hand to shake its pincer, the mokemoke is suddenly split right down the middle.

“GOTCHAAAAA!”

Snow lets out a war cry as she turns my new friend into lunch.

5

We make our way home after our survey of the Cursed Forest’s wildlife.

Once inside the city, we run into Rose and Grimm, who look rather tired.

“Hey, Boss! Welcome back! How did your survey go? Never mind that, actually! Grimm used this weird ritual and summoned these undeammmph?!”

“Welcome back, Commander! You look a little glum; is something wrong? Now, Rose, there’s plenty of delicious skewers for you! No need to go tattling. Just focus on eating.”

Something about what Rose is saying catches my attention, but Grimm silences her by shoving meat skewers into her mouth.

“Six almost got eaten by a mokemoke in the woods. I saved him in the nick of time, but he hasn’t been the same since. I guess he’s still recovering from getting lost and being attacked by that vicious beast.”

“No, I’m still recovering from the fact that you butchered my friend in front of my eyes! And then you poured soy sauce on him and ate him, you cold-hearted bitch!”

She butchered that poor mokemoke, assuming it was attacking me, then ate it as a snack.

“H-how dare you! I saved you from that creature! The least you can say is thanks. And what’s wrong with eating a freshly killed mokemoke? We weren’t going to be able to drag that entire carcass home! You were pretty happy with the meal yourself, if I recall. You were crying tears of joy at how delicious it was!”

“Sure, I ate him, too… I admit it, I ate him! But still!” The only reason I ate him was to put his soul to rest! Since he was dead anyway, it didn’t make a difference. I had to make sure his death wasn’t in vain by making him a part of me. “Never mind that. I heard Rose say something I can’t ignore! Grimm! You summoned undead again, didn’t you?!”

“So what? I’m a follower of Lord Zenarith, god of undeath and disaster! What’s wrong with the archbishop summoning one of his follow-ow-ow-owwww!!!”

Snow grabs Grimm’s face and squeezes her temples, cutting off Grimm’s rant in mid-sentence.

At those words, Alice glances up sharply. “Did you just say undead? I assume you mean ghosts and zombies, yes?”

Grimm smiles softly at the android’s curiosity. “Oh my, Alice, has Lord Zenarith finally drawn your attention? Yes, what I summoned earlier was a ghost. What originally drew me to Lord Zenarith was the promise of eternal youth as well as the promise of revenge preached in his teachings. How about it, Alice? Would you like to join?”

“No thanks, I’m an atheist. Hey, Six, we’ve got talk of ghosts, the universal standard bearer for supernatural mumbo jumbo. It’s a blatant challenge to my existence. After all, I stand at the pinnacle of science and technology. Ghosts…Hmph! Looks like we’ve got some ghost busting to do!” Alice says all this without a hint of irony despite the fact that as an android, she’s pretty close to supernatural herself.

“I don’t know what you have against ghosts, but you’re taking this awfully personally. I mean, this planet has magic. Why is this the hill you choose to die on? You’ve seen stuff like Heine’s flame magic, right?”

“Magic or whatever is fine. Well, it’s not fine, but Kisaragi’s done plenty of research into ESP and similar abilities. Heine of the Flames is just your typical pyrokinesis wielder. Basically, magic is just an elevated form of psychic ability,” Alice explains in a straightforward manner, speaking in a hushed tone only I can hear.

“Could you use smaller words? Kinky wielders? Physical abilities? Are we talking about some sort of fetish?”

“…I’m saying the flame stone that Heine was using works under the same principles as fire starters on Earth. We can use Kisaragi brain-modification surgery to give that ability to anyone. However, ghosts are another story. I won’t accept this superstitious nonsense.”

“You’re a pretty nonsensical presence yourself, you know? Why not just accept that ghosts are real?”

It appears Grimm could hear our conversation, as she interrupts with a huff.

“Now, Alice! What do you have against my lovely little ghosts? Doubting Lord Zenarith’s power is never a good idea.”

“Grimm, your so-called curses are just a form of auto-suggestion and hypnosis. Zenarith doesn’t exist.”

Grimm starts smacking Alice for blaspheming against her dark god, but Alice doesn’t seem to care.

“Then there’s the problems with magical monsters like we saw on today’s survey. Griffins ignoring the laws of aerodynamics, crustaceans like mokemokes growing to absurd sizes. It’s all very fascinating, but I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of them. I’ll get to the bottom of it eventually.”

“So you’re going to try to debunk the existence of a fantasy world entirely, is that it? Grimm died once and came back to life… You saw her head come off.”

“Hrmph! Lizards can regrow tails. We can’t be sure Grimm is actually human. She may just be an unknown life-form masquerading as a human.”

“Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!”

At being called nonhuman, Grimm begins strangling Alice. She appears to lose patience as Alice doesn’t so much as blink in response…

“Fine! If you’re going to go that far, I’ll show you some necromancy! I can’t back down when you’ve claimed Lord Zenarith doesn’t exist! But I’m out of magic for tonight. You can wait until tomorrow, can’t you?”

“Ha! Did you hear that, Six? Common scammer’s MO. Can’t do what you request right then and there, but only after taking time to prepare. That gives her time to set up her various tricks.”

“Grrrrrrrrrrr!”

Snow looks at the two fighting like children and sighs.

“So Alice is a magic denier, mm? I’ve seen them from time to time, but never one so dedicated. I mean, my swords are magical, too…”

“Ah yes, your magic swords. I’d love to crack them open and see how they work. Invite me over to your house sometime. I’ll take a few apart for analysis.”

“Absolutely not!”

Ignoring the trio getting worked up over nonsense, Rose approaches me and tugs on my sleeve.

“Hey, Boss, I heard you beat a mokemoke. Did you bring any of it back? Maybe some of the meat…?”

As Rose asks in a needy whine, a question occurs to me.

“…Alice did bring some back. You’re not going to start saying ‘mokemoke’ once you eat some, right?”

“…I don’t think it’ll be…a problem…maybe…”

There’s no end to the mysteries of this planet’s life-forms.

I think I’ll hold off on giving Rose any mokemoke meat for now.

6

The day after our survey of the Cursed Forest.

“All right, Alice! I hope you’re ready! You’re going to regret blaspheming against Lord Zenarith!”

“Sure! I’ll pick apart your superstitious garbage so badly you’ll beg for mercy.”

Why does this always happen?

“Hey, uh, why do I have to go, too? Can’t you do this test without me…?”

“Don’t be absurd, Commander! This is a challenge against Lord Zenarith himself! We need as many people as possible to witness a miracle by the gods to prevent more children like Alice coming into this world!”

“That’s right, Six. This sort of thing requires irrefutable evidence. Otherwise they try to muddy the waters afterward.”

……

“The nerve! You impudent little brat! You’re going straight to hell after you die!”

“An android going to hell? That’s a new one.”

Ugh, seriously? I should’ve taken a page out of Rose and Snow’s book and ditched.

“Let’s be off! Luckily the moon is full tonight. I’ll conduct the ritual on the ridge. It’ll give us that much more magic to work with.”

“Ah, I see. So you went and set up your props on that ridge last night? Interesting.”

“Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!”

The sooner this is over, the better. I need a drink!

We arrive at a ridge a short distance from the city. If nothing else, the view from here is pretty sweet.

Grimm stands barefoot on the ground, spreading a sheet with a magic circle written on it. A creepy smile plays on her lips as she places a basket atop the magic circle. The basket’s covered with a cloth, obscuring the contents.

“Ah, tonight will be a special night indeed! I’ll make your shriveled little heart quake with fear! Ordinarily, the offering is food, but tonight, we’ll be using a live sacrifice! Behold! Within the basket is the poor, defenseless sacrifice I bought at the butcher’s shop…!”

Grimm calls out grandly, drawing back the cloth and revealing the basket’s contents…!

“…That’s adorable.”

“So fuzzy! Hey, Grimm, are you actually going to sacrifice this rabbit?”

Inside the basket is a single rabbit. Its ears are a little bigger than the ones on Earth have.

Apparently, she ordered a critter from the butcher, but forgot to check exactly what she bought until now.

“Kyuu…”

The rabbit has its legs tied together inside the basket. It looks up at Grimm and me and squeaks softly.

Seeing it, Grimm swallows, then softly puts down the club in her hand…

“…C-Commander, tonight is a special night indeed! You’ll be assisting this ritual! When I give the signal, send that bunny to Lord Zenarith…”

“What?! No way! You’re the archbishop of a dark god! You can handle this yourself!”

I have no shortage of blood on my hands, but killing this adorable bunny over such a ridiculous spat is a bit further than I’m willing to go.

“Coward! Was all that boasting about belonging to an evil organization just empty bravado? Also, for your information, Lord Zenarith is not a dark god!”

“Sh-shut up! Don’t mock Kisaragi! Evil minions have a conscience, too! Besides, if I could be that ruthless, I’d have been promoted ages ago!”

Just as Grimm and I are busily trying to shove responsibility for the rabbit onto each other…

“Kyu!”

With a small cry, the bunny collapses, lying there limply.

Alice holds the murder weapon in her hand, the club that Grimm had set down earlier…

“There, happy? Let’s get on with it.”

“You heartless…”

“Have you no conscience?!”

Grimm and I lecture Alice, who stands there coolly resting the club against her shoulder.

“Nope, not equipped with that. I’m an android, remember? Come on. Let’s get started.”

“S-stop! I’ll do it! Just don’t shove that into my face!” Although tears well up in her eyes, Grimm takes the rabbit Alice pushes toward her, softly setting it on the ground. Then she places a candle in front of the magic circle and lights it. “I’ve had enough mockery from this brat. It’s time to show what an archbishop can really do…”

Grimm begins chanting. The magic circle begins to glow, and Grimm’s expression lights up with joy.

“Hey, Alice? Are you sure this isn’t a problem? Um, I’m actually pretty superstitious, and I have a bad feeling about this!”

“Calm down; it’s just a glowing circle. She’s probably just got LEDs embedded into the sheet.”

Alice seems unfazed by all this, and she even tries to pick up the sheet to look for any lighting underneath. Meanwhile the magic circle’s light grows in intensity—

“O Lord Zenarith, God of Undeath and Disaster! Upon thy name bring forth thy servant!”

With Grimm’s elated cry, the magic circle shines even brighter…

Standing there is a monster that looks a lot like Gadalkand, one of the Demon Lord’s Elite Four…

No, not a monster. A demon. A single, giant demon.

7

“You are quite the summoner, girl, summoning me to this world. It’s been centuries since I’ve tasted this air…”

The demon standing on the magic circle appears to waver like a mirage. I guess that means it’s only here in spirit at the moment.

“Wow, I’m impressed! You actually summoned something! And he looks pretty powerful!” I can’t help but praise her work.

Grimm stares at the summoned demon, tilting her head to the side. “Who are you…?”

“Hey!”

I grab Grimm by the arm and whisper into her ear, “Just so we’re clear, you are the one that summoned that thing, right?”

“Well, I’m not entirely sure. I was just trying to summon the undead. Ghosts, basically. I thought I’d summon an ancient evil spirit of some sort, but, well, this thing showed up instead…”

I try to ignore the fact that Grimm wanted to summon an ancient evil spirit and instead focus my concern on the demon standing in front of me.

Somehow, I get the feeling it won’t be amused if we tell it, “Sorry, we summoned you by accident.”

Just then…

Ignoring our hushed conversation, Alice stands in front of the demon, glancing a bit dismissively at its hideous face.

“Seriously, Grimm? This hologram is pretty sad.”

……

“Hologram? What is a hologram, little one? I am a servant of the dark god Zenarith, the great demon— Hey! S-stop that!”

Just as the demon is about to introduce itself, Alice grabs the sheet with the magic circle, rustling it up and down.

Each time she waves the sheet, the demon wavers and lets out a loud cry, but Alice doesn’t seem the least bit perturbed by it.

“What are you doing, little one?! Such insolence after summoning me! This will not stand!”

“Oh, shut up, you holographic nobody. Where are you actually hiding?” the fearless android says breezily. This appears to impress the demon.

“Ah, so you’ve realized this form is only temporary. For me to fully manifest in this world, the rabbit is much too small a sacrifice.”

The demon’s form ripples in the air as Alice continues to maintain her hold on the sheet—

“If you wish to see my true form, provide more sacrifices! Then provide your soul as payment and cry out your heart’s desire! Now, little one… Hey! Stop that! What are you doing? Why do you interrupt me?!”

The demon appears to panic as Alice tries to roll up the sheet for storage.

“I asked for a ghost. I don’t need an imitation Gadalkand.”

“Imitation?! You dare call me an imitation?!”

Even as Alice continues to taunt the demon, an idea comes to me.

“Hey, if you’re a demon, does that mean you can grant three wishes?”

“Commander! I know it sounds odd coming from me, given I have a contract with Lord Zenarith, but you really don’t want to sign a contract with a demon!”

At my question, the demon finally appears to notice our presence.

“That’s correct, little one. I will grant any wish you ask in exchange for your soul. Now, do you desir— Stop it already! I can’t leave until we close the deal!”

Alice turns over the sheet, as if hoping to find something installed on the other side.

“You, the child that keeps doing these odd things. I’ll grant your wishes first. I’ll take a suitable payment, but I’ll grant anything you wish.”

“All right, then, make a couple of habitable planets around Earth’s star. Same amount of resources as Earth. But use the atmosphere from about fifty years ago, back before all the pollution.”

“Your wish will be gra— Um… What? Earth? Planet?”

The demon goes silent for a moment when it realizes the scope of the android’s demands.

“P-planets? Are you mad?! You just asked me to create two or three worlds! Just how greedy are you?!”

The demon practically screams the words.

“You’re the one who said ‘anything.’ It’s not like I’m trying to take advantage of a loophole by asking for more wishes. Fine. Then solve our energy crisis at least. Give us an infinite energy source that’s clean and compact.”

“Ener— Wh-what? Could you explain it in simpler terms? Can’t you just wish for money or gems? Maybe ask for power or a curse on someone you hate…”

It appears the demon doesn’t understand what energy is and proposes some alternatives.

“I’ve got plenty of money and power. All right, how about you wipe out all hostile life on this planet. The Demon Lord, the barbarians, also the mokemokes and giant monsters…”

“That’s a massacre of untold proportions! N-no, I can’t grant a wish that could bring about global disaster all for a single soul!”

The demon appears to be at a loss, unsure how to handle the android’s extreme wishes.

Feeling a little sympathy for it, I turn to Alice.

“Hey, just let that thing go home…”

“He’s the one who said he can’t leave without granting wishes. Still, thinking about wishes this thing might grant… Oh, the hideout’s toilet was backed up. Maybe we can get it to fix that.”

The demon realizes Alice isn’t kidding about the plumbing and some panic creeps into its expression.

But then it suddenly looks up, as if realizing something.

“…I—I know. Youth! How about eternal youth, like any woman would desire…?!”

“Androids don’t age. Version upgrades can deal with age-related degradation. This is a waste of time. Just get out of here.”

“……”

The demon, now completely deflated and looking down, disappears without a word. Compared to its flashy entrance and attitude, it’s a bit anticlimactic.

The silence that remains afterward is deafening.

To try to break up this weird tension, I mutter, “…I wanted to wish for debauchery.”

“Once you become a Supreme Leader you can secure that on your own. Don’t get sucked into a shady cult like that.”

…Guess I need to try harder, starting tomorrow. At Alice’s words, I swear to myself I’ll redouble my efforts here on this planet—!

“So, Alice. Do you believe me now?”

“………”

[Status Report]

Conducted surveys on this planet’s life-forms and magic.

This planet has many large life-forms, and almost all of them are aggressive and combative.

The strike from a supopocchi is particularly deadly, claiming the lives of several hunters each year.

The supopocchi’s predator, the mokemoke, is a relatively tame creature, and we believe coexistence with it is possible. It appears to recognize other mokemokes through its distinct cry, and if approached honestly will answer in kind.

Concerning magic, Alice is still skeptical about its existence and believes we must conduct additional studies.

We have discovered that the entities known as demons are not particularly impressive.

However, we believe additional research is needed and will be conducting another summoning ritual during the next full moon.

Will follow up with an additional report at that time.

Reporting Operative:

Combat Agent 6, Mokemoke Fan

“Um, no. I’d rather you not draw odd conclusions in your mind! And to be clear, the responsibility for my utterance rests squarely at your feet.”

I suppose Tillis is a little embarrassed at being caught; she flings some unfair accusations in my direction.

“What are you talking about? How the hell is it my fault?”

“You’re not serious, are you?! You do recall you were the one who changed the artifact’s holy incantation to this statement, yes?”

…The hell is she talking about?

“Why would I use such a stupid password? You’re not making any sense.”

“Surely you jest! It wasn’t that long ago, you know! Have you actually forgotten…?! R-regardless, that’s not why I called you here today. I have something I wish to discuss with you, Sir Six.”

It seems my recent heroics have unlocked the Princess route. Unfortunately…

“I’m sorry, Tillis. I’m flattered that you like me, but you’re a little too…devious for my tastes.”

“Just where did you get that idea?! I only wished to discuss a matter with you! Also, please don’t call me devious! I was hoping to talk to you about this artifact!” Tillis bristles at my remark, her cheeks still faintly flushed.

“That machine makes it rain, right?”

Tillis nods once in response. “In the past, we would activate the artifact each year during the dry season. Unfortunately, the artifact’s malfunctions have made that difficult as of late…,” she says with a serious expression. “Now, for the reason you’re here. I’d like to hire you for an escort mission. With the artifact broken, we had been relying on water crystals mined in the neighboring kingdom of Toris… With the artifact back in working condition, we thought to reduce our order of crystals. Unfortunately…” She looks away, her lips turning into a frown. “Father decided at the last minute he didn’t want to go through with the activation ritual. We haven’t been able to find him…”

According to Tillis, the artifact can only be activated when a member of the royal family says the holy incantation in front of a large crowd of praying subjects.

Wait—in that case, it doesn’t have to be the king, does it…?

“So why don’t you do it?”

“Surely you don’t expect a maiden to say such words in public…! C-currently, I have parties searching for Father, but as a precaution, we’ll be sending a diplomat to Toris. Given that we were the ones who requested a reduction in the shipments, it’s likely to be a challenge to get them to send us additional crystals…”

Tillis folds her hands together as if in prayer and gazes up at me with the expression of a frail, vulnerable maiden.

But it doesn’t fool me.

Damn, this princess is a schemer. I’m sure she’s about to propose something ruthless.

“…The crown prince of Toris is known for being quite a womanizer. So I intend to send Snow as a diplomat. If one can ignore her personality flaws, she’s quite beautiful…”

“I really don’t want to hear the rest.”

So this princess is going to sacrifice one of her vassals to a whoremongering prince.

It’s the sort of thing that makes even me, an evil minion, wince.

“Please listen to what I’m actually saying. I said I’d like to hire you as an escort. I’m not planning to sell her. The prince, given his ways, is likely to start planning untoward things once he sees Snow. When he makes a move on her, catch him in the act and use that as leverage. Trying to seduce a diplomat is an enormous diplomatic faux pas. It would provide us with a much-needed advantage during negotiations.”

“Back home we call that a honeypot.”

Seriously, what’s wrong with the people I know? Can’t trust a single one of them…

Despite my revulsion, Tillis appears to be impressed with me.

“Ah, so you mean to say this is an established diplomatic strategy in your country, Sir Six? Then that makes this easy. Snow is a strong woman, so she should be fine. She survived having you remove her underwear in public, after all.”

“Tillis, there was a reason for that, remember? Sigh. There are all sorts of weird rumors about me circulating around town. I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t add to them.”

I mean, the only reason I pulled down Snow’s panties was to save this country. It was a heroic act, not sexual harassment.

Still…

“Escort, huh…? I’m a Combat Agent, not a bodyguard. This isn’t really in my wheelhouse…”

As I grumble, Tillis seems to find something amusing and smiles. “Are you sure you want to say that? I’ve heard you and Snow have kissed. Would you really be all right losing her to another man?” She smiles at me teasingly.

“Hmm? Sure I would.”

“Um…” Tillis sounds surprised at my answer.

“Short-tempered, greedy women like her aren’t my type. So doesn’t really bother me if someone else takes her…”

“Please don’t say that in front of her! Anyway, this is a formal request to Kisaragi from this kingdom. Please accept it!”

I’m still really lukewarm on the idea…

“Ordinarily, the chief of staff would handle negotiations with Toris. Unfortunately, he suddenly resigned a month ago… So we’re currently rather shorthanded when it comes to diplomats.”

The chief of staff, huh? Don’t know who that is, but what an irresponsible jerk. I guess he must’ve been really mistreated by this kingdom.

“Well, whatever the case, I’m afraid I’m going to have to turn down this assignment. I’m a Combat agent, not a babysitter. I can’t really do anything but fight. I mean, I do love entrapping people, but I’d rather you asked someone else to handle this one.”

Tillis appears caught off guard by the rejection. Her tone becomes hurried and somewhat desperate. “P-please, would you reconsider? I’ve actually prepared some information requested by Miss Alice as part of your payment…”

“…Information?”

What sort of information would she want? Is she looking for rare life-forms or poisons from this planet?

As if to answer my question, Tillis continues. “Yes, the information concerning the ruins scattered around this continent. In fact, Toris, the kingdom where we’re sending Snow, has an unexplored ruin. Evidently, it remains untouched, as they can’t find a way to break its seal. If you accept our request, we’ll ask Toris to permit you to explore those ruins… Does that sound acceptable?”

Tillis coyly looks up at me.

2

On the outskirts of the city there’s a largish house with a sign labeled THE KISARAGI CORPORATION.

This is the temporary hideout Alice and I are renting.

For now, it’s the location of the Kisaragi Corporation Grace Kingdom branch.

“—So basically, there’s an unexplored ruin in that kingdom. They haven’t been able to figure out the ancient technology used to seal it, so they haven’t been inside. We can always worry about that when we get there.”

I’m discussing the details of the job with Alice.

“Ancient technology—like that anomalous artifact in the castle courtyard—if it’s just locked with an electronic key, you can leave it to me. The problem is the other job from Tillis.”

“…Hmm? The other assignment?” I dangle my legs while sitting on the edge of the table.

“You’re being asked to escort Snow on a diplomatic mission, right? I’m going to say this now—try to avoid doing anything stupid this time, will you? I may have high specs, but there’s a limit to what I can bail you out of.”

Kind of an odd thing for Alice to say. Is she worried about me?

“Oh, about that. I can handle it. I’m good at making friends over drinks.”

“I wish you’d stop dragging random geezers home when you go out drinking. One of the homeless guys tried to set up a camp in the hideout’s backyard. Getting rid of him was a chore and a half.”

Oh, so that’s why they were never around in the morning. I always thought it was weird that my new buddies would be missing the next day.

“Well, I’m impressed Miss Android. Not an ounce of compassion in your heart for bunnies being sacrificed or homeless drunks, mm?”

“I’ve told you before, but I don’t have a heart. Anyway, remember that Astaroth ordered us to expand our territory. Not to repeat myself, but don’t do anything stupid. We need to produce results by the end of this month.”

Alice hammers her warning home.

“I don’t know what those Supreme Leaders told you, but you’ve got the wrong idea about me. Just watch. The longest-serving Combat Agent is also an able diplomat. You’ll see for yourself!”

“Get it through your head. Don’t do anything you don’t have to do.”

3

Most of this planet is covered in a giant forest.

The remaining land is a reddish-brown wasteland, completely unsuitable for human habitation.

Currently we’re in the middle of said wasteland—

“Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! We’re going so fast! We’ve become the wind itself! Commander! Look over there! Those Deadly Heggs are like purple-orange lady snails! Nothing can catch us now!”

“Hey, Grimm, calm down or you’re going to fall out! Snow, Rose! Don’t just sit there, stop her!”

We’re in the middle of said wasteland, zooming along on a giant buggy with Grimm excitedly leaning out the open sunroof. Due to some unfortunate taunting, the buggy’s being chased by a mob of those four-legged monstrosities.

I don’t know what Grimm’s so excited about, but she’s been in a fine mood, standing up and leaning out the sunroof, laughing in delight.

In the back seat, Snow and Rose, perhaps in awe at their first car ride, are glued to the windows, watching the red land speed past.

“Alice? Don’t go too fast. If we hit a bump, Grimm’s gonna go flying… Wait, hey! Your feet don’t even reach the pedals!”

“I’m a high-spec android. If it’s a machine, I only need a connector to control it.”

I look over at Alice, and sure enough, stretching from beneath her clothes is a cord connected to the steering column.

“The road gets rough from here on out. You should probably drag Grimm back inside.”

Right as Alice issues her warning, we hit a large bump, and the whole vehicle is briefly airborne.

At the same time, the laughter from the sunroof stops…

“B-Boss! Grimm fell out! Uh-oh! The Deadly Heggs are after her! It looks bad!”

“I told you so!”

Alice slams on the brakes while the rest of us jump out of the buggy.

Grimm has passed out from the impact when she flew out of the vehicle. The mob of monsters are dragging her back to their nest.

“Hey, put her down! That spinster’s not very tasty, I promise! I’ll give you this instead! Go on home!”

I throw some rations out as bait. The monsters abandon Grimm, flocking to the food instead. I don’t think they understood what I said, but I guess it’s pretty obvious which is tastier.

We pick up the walking time bomb, and the Deadly Heggs, perhaps satisfied at getting a little payback, leave us alone.

“…Can we do something about the fact that she’s disabled before every battle?”

“She’s still alive. They were just gnawing on her here and there. She’ll be fine.”

Grimm slumps in her seat, eyes rolled up in her head, as we continue our journey by buggy.

“Hey, Six. What say you let me have that magic item? What was it called? A buggy? I know someone who’s good at flipping rare items for a good price. I’ll deal with selling it for the low, low price of a five percent commiss—”

“Nope! You lot aren’t ready for that level of technology. Besides, ordering one takes a load of Evil Points.”

After leaving the kingdom of Grace in the early morning, we’ve arrived at the neighboring kingdom of Toris around dusk.

“Evil Points? You mentioned something about not having enough points when fighting the Demon Lord’s Army. Does the summoning magic you and Alice perform work on some sort of point system?”

We’re not actually using magic to get our equipment, but evidently that’s what it looks like to the locals.

“Yep, more or less. Evil Points are something I earn on a day-to-day basis. It’s more or less my ace in the hole, so I try to save it for emergencies.”

“I don’t quite understand, but I guess it means we get rare magic items if we stick with you, right…? Hey, Six, can you order swords like Tiger Man? Depending on the quality, I wouldn’t mind paying you with my body…”

“Um…”

Apparently she’s totally fine with selling her body in exchange for money or swords.

I heard she was from the slums, but just what sort of life did she live to end up like this?

And to think she was blushing over a kiss she gave me as a reward the other day.

Arriving in Toris, we park the buggy at the city gate and head to the castle.

Rose, carrying the unconscious Grimm and looking around, appears to have spotted something of interest.

“Boss! Look at that! They’re selling Andrew Skewers. I wonder what sort of monster Andrew is?”

Rose points toward a stall selling meat skewers.

“Andrew is a giant magical beast that threatened this kingdom around ten years ago. Despite it being dead for over ten years, the meat is still flavorful and delicious. It was such a gigantic beast that they’ve been able to eat it for the last decade.”

“Wow! You sure know a lot, Boss!”

As I fill Rose’s head with nonsense, the owner of the stall interrupts.

“C’mon now, don’t be spreading weird rumors like that! My name’s Andrew. Andrew Skewers just means skewers from Andrew’s shop.”

“Boss! You lied to me! It’s just as grandpa said! Humans are treacherous creatures that should be wiped off the face of the planet!”

I ignore Rose’s embarrassed slapping and survey the city.

At a glance, Toris’s tech level seems to be about the same as Grace’s. There’s the occasional mystery machine (aka artifact), but for now it seems Kisaragi’s technology is better.

As we stroll along, the castle comes into view.

It appears someone alerted them to our presence, and as we approach the main gate, a well-dressed man greets us.

“Representatives of the kingdom of Grace, I bid you welcome to Toris! I’m afraid your timing makes an immediate audience with His Majesty impossible, but we have prepared a feast to ease the aches from your travels. Your host for the evening will be His Highness, the Crown Prince Engel. Please enjoy yourselves.”

The older gentleman, probably a bureaucrat of one sort or another, greets us with a formal bow.

I’m weighing how to respond when Snow steps in front of our group.

“Thank you; glad to be here! My name is Snow, captain of the Royal Guard and personal knight to Princess Tillis. I suppose you could say I’m Her Highness’s right hand.”

I openly gawk at her through her spiel, but she continues with a wide smile on her face.

“I’ve heard that the export of water crystals is the main industry for Toris. Not only that, but those rare crystals are buried abundantly beneath the soil. I’ve never seen a water crystal, but I sure would love to. I’m quite envious that they’re so abundant here!”

“I—I see. Well then, we can provide you a few water crystals as a little token of our esteem. If you could please give our regards to Princess Tillis.”

I can’t believe this. She’s just soliciting bribes.

“Of course! I’ll let Her Highness know that we were given a wonderful welcome here in Toris! Ah, that reminds me. Our mode of transportation is most convenient, indeed! It can carry quite a bit of cargo, much more than just a small amount…”

We stare at Snow, completely repulsed by her attitude as she enters the castle, chatting up the official.

“…Hey, Alice,” I say. “Do you really think she can handle being a diplomat? We’re here as her escort. If she screws up, we’ll probably get in trouble, too. Not to mention, even I’m turned off by her naked greed.”

“Despite appearances, she was a knight captain. I’m sure this isn’t her first time serving as a diplomat. Bribes are pretty common in backward places like this. Isn’t that true, Rose?”

“Grandpa was right. Humans are avaricious vermin that need to be extinguished…”

…I glance at Rose muttering darkly beside us, following Snow as she cheerfully strolls through the castle.

4

Time for our welcome party.

“Commander, what do you think about this super-mini dress? Sexy, right? Super sexy? Does it make you want to shove me against the wall and ravage me?”

I run into Grimm in front of the banquet hall. She shows off the sexy black dress she’s wearing.

“You need to consider your age when picking a dress.”

“O Great Lord Zenarith, I beseech thee! Deliver disaster unto this man! Be cursed with impotence!”

As Grimm points her finger, I dodge by diving out of the way.

“Missed…”

“How can you sound so casual about this? Are you crazy?! That might be the most terrifying thing I’ve ever experienced!”

The ring on Grimm’s finger vanishes, taken by the dark god as payment for the curse.

This damn spinster. She can’t bring herself to be remotely useful most of the time, but somehow wields terrifying powers at times like this.

She can cast curses by sacrificing items with sentimental value.

I’m told the success rate goes down if the feedback effects of the curse don’t actually harm her. Still, that was a terrifying curse.

“It’s because you’re being a tease, Commander. You peeked up my skirt once…”

“That was because you were taunting me. Also, if you’re going to twirl around in a skirt like that, I’ll go peeking again!”

As if on guard at my statement, Grimm slowly backs away from me.

At that moment, the other three join us as they finish their preparations.

Snow’s wearing a low-cut dress that doesn’t leave a lot to the imagination. She proudly puffs out her chest. “Six, what do you think of this dress? Is it sexy? It’s super sexy, right? Does it make you horny and want to buy me things?”

At that eerily familiar line, I turn to look at Grimm, who glances down in embarrassment.

“…Grimm, this is what you looked like a few minutes ago.”

“…I’m sorry, Commander. I got flustered because I heard there was going to be a party. I’ll be careful.”

Alice, wearing a normal dress that isn’t very different from her usual outfit, comes up to me and whispers, “Hey, Six, I wandered a bit around the castle, pretending to be lost. This country’s got its share of weirdly advanced technology. There were too many people around, so I couldn’t look too closely, but I’ll go mess around with some of it while everyone’s busy with the party.”

“I gotta hand it to you, Alice. You sure are thorough…”

It seems this planet is littered with mysterious technology. I wonder what it is that happened here in the past.

The ancient ruins are supposedly still unexplored. I bet if I find some great treasure or super items, I can leverage that into becoming a Supreme Leader…

Speaking of ruins, the Chimera that’s probably related to them is humming happily to herself, dressed in a pretty little dress.

…Is she looking forward to meeting someone here, too…?

“Rose? You too…?”

“What do you mean, Boss? Isn’t this exciting? I’m sure there’ll be lots of delicious food!”

Oh. My bad. She’s just excited about the food. Thanks, Rose. Don’t ever change.

I silently pray for Rose’s future as she looks at me with a puzzled expression.

I straighten the collar on my borrowed suit and open the doors to the banquet hall.

“How do we get out of this, Six? This is starting to look like a miscalculation of epic proportions.”

The situation in the banquet hall has devolved into complete chaos.

Credit for this belongs entirely to the members of my squadron.

“Oh my! I must say that’s impressive, Sir Harmel. Especially for someone so young! And as the third son of a noble family, you’re insulated from all that inheritance nonsense, and you are even spared the responsibility of caring for your family in their dotage.”

“U-uh, yes, that’s right. But my subordinates deserve credit. I wouldn’t have become captain of the Seventh Company without them…”

The spinster’s speaking in a voice an octave higher than usual, using words I didn’t know she had in her vocabulary. She’s standing next to a good-looking brunette knight, batting her lashes at him. Dressed up like this, Grimm looks like a proper lady, without a trace of her usual paleness to be seen.

“Um, may I ask why you’re barefoot, miss?”

Well, a proper lady if you ignore her bare feet.

She mentioned it before, something about a curse that prevented her from wearing shoes. She stands out as an oddity, wandering barefoot around the carpeted banquet hall while dressed in a pretty black dress.

“Oh, Harmel, please call me Grimm. No need to be so formal.”

Grimm appears to be doing her best to work her way into the knight’s good graces, twisting this way and that, but he doesn’t seem to be buying what she’s selling.

“I—I can’t very well call a woman I just met by her first name… Um. Should I refrain from asking why you are barefoot?”

“Religious purposes, I’m afraid. Anyway, Harmel, you seem a little shy! But that’s lovely in its own way. It keeps you faithful, I’m sure!” Grimm answers her partner’s questions rather aggressively.

The knight seems at a loss at her aggressive approach, unable to flat out avoid her given her status.

Still…

“Wow, this is delicious! I’ve never had meat this delicious before! And never this much at once!”

“I—I’m very glad to hear it. Still, Miss Rose, ordinarily people don’t eat an entire roast pig by themselves… Ah, perhaps you should leave the bones? And there’s sauce all over your face…”

Munching on a whole roast pig served on a giant platter, Rose is crying tears of joy at the meal before her.

The serving maid fails in her efforts to keep Rose’s face clean as the Chimera continues to aggressively devour the roast pig.

“Good! So good!! The bones are nice and crunchy! Every part of this is delicious!”

“I’m glad to hear it… I’m pleased that you’re so happy, Miss Rose. Please try the charcoal-grilled romare shrimp and echigo crab next. It may smell very strongly of the sea, but there is a lot of flavor in… Miss Rose, please leave the shells. Miss Rose? Miss Rose! It’s best not to eat the pincers…!”

It may not be in the same way as Grimm, but Rose is drawing her share of attention.

And then there’s…

“Where is Prince Engel?! I heard the crown prince would be welcoming me tonight. Hey, Six! If I succeed in seducing the prince, I’ll reward you, too. So do whatever you can to support my efforts!”

“When you’re that honest about your intentions, it’s almost refreshing…”

She’s not even trying to hide her greed now.

The dress looks great on her, but the ugliness of her words completely spoils her beauty.

“Listen closely, Six. The man’s the crown prince of Toris and the next king. And this kingdom is so rich in resources that it’s said you can dig gold coins out of the ground. Basically, if I can become the royal consort, that’s a guaranteed life of luxury!”

What am I gonna do with this chick?

Tillis wants me to run a honeypot sting, but that requires actually stepping in when things get too hot and heavy.

But seeing how eager Snow is to go all the way, all I’d be is an awkward interruption.

Noticing that Snow seemed to be getting a bit hot and bothered by talk about the prince, Alice approaches me and whispers in my ear, “Hey, Six. I’ve heard this kingdom’s Prince Engel is a fat slob of a womanizer. Not a good catch at all. You should lower her expectations a bit. Do something about her, will you?”

Ah, I see. “I dunno; it sounds kind of entertaining, actually. Let’s see what happens when we get her hopes up. I can’t wait to see the look on her face when she meets him.”

“You really do have the personality for this evil minion stuff…,” Alice says with an expression I can only describe as “tasteful.”

One of the household attendants announces grandly, “Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for waiting. His Highness, the Crown Prince Engel has arrived!”

The man standing in the entrance blows my expectations clear out of the water.

“…Alice, wow. That’s even worse than I thought. When I heard ‘fat prince,’ I was imagining someone young. Like, a pudgy spoiled brat. Not…well…that.”

“I hear the king’s still got his wits about him here. Doesn’t matter how old you get. You stay a prince if your parents are still alive and kicking.”

The man entering the room is fat, greasy, and well past forty. He’s like the poster child for an unhealthy lifestyle. Just walking gets him winded, and despite the pleasant temperature, he’s dripping with sweat.

I can’t help but feel sorry for Snow. Motives aside, this has to be quite a letdown for her. I turn to her to offer my condolences.

“Prince Engel! A pleasure to meet you. I am Snow, knight captain of the Royal Guard from the kingdom of Grace. I’m honored to make your acquaintance today.”

Thinking she’d be in shock after seeing the prince, I find a Snow with glittering eyes and a beatific smile.

…Looks like I underestimated her.

“Ah, I see your kingdom has sent one of their most beautiful as a diplomat. I am Engel, crown prince of this kingdom. Thank you for making the long journey to—”

“Beautiful? You flatter me, Your Highness! You are, yourself, blessed with an impressive physique and rugged features! I feel faint in your presence.” Snow piles on the flattery even before Engel finishes speaking.

I thought she was just a slightly greedy sword fanatic. Boy, was I wrong. There’s no doubt in my mind that she could love an orc or a slime as long as they’ve got enough money.

“…Lady Snow, I appreciate compliments as much as the next man, but I’m well aware of my own appearance. There is no need to flatter me, our kingdoms remain steadfast allies regardless of—”

“Do not be absurd, Your Highness! Gaze into my eyes, and you will see the truth! You are a fine specimen of a man. I can guarantee that! Do you see anything but the truth in my gaze?”

The silver-haired beauty gazes intently into the fat prince’s face without so much as blinking.

If you just looked at this scene and heard the lines without context, it’s actually kind of touching. Something straight out of “Beauty and the Beast.” But I know better. How the hell am I supposed to deal with her?

“…Y-you’re right. I see no hint of deception in your eyes. You have my thanks. No one has ever provided me with such a heartfelt compliment. I envy Princess Tillis for having such wonderful vassals. Now, I believe you have come to our kingdom to secure more water crystals…”

“Have I done something to offend you, Your Highness? Brushing aside my efforts at courtship for such talk?”

The gold digger is so intent on landing her catch that she interrupts the prince’s effort to get the conversation back on track.

Such talk indeed. It’s like she’s forgotten that’s the whole reason we made the trip.

“L-Lady Snow, putting your remark to one side, surely you understand seducing an ally’s emissary would become an enormous diplomatic scandal…” The prince backs up nervously, evidently caught off guard by Snow’s misplaced anger.

“How disappointing! I had heard you were quite the womanizer, Your Highness. It appears your reputation is exaggerated. Do you mean to embarrass me so in public, Your Highness?”

“Do you not consider it disrespectful to describe a man you just met as a womanizer? And to his face at that? Indeed, why are you so aggressive when we’ve only just met?”

Snow makes no effort at concealing her greed as she sidles closer to the prince, who continues to back away from her.

“I’m here on Princess Tillis’s behalf. Surely you understand what that means. Our kingdom has been the target of invasion attempts by the Demon Lord’s Army, but just recently we repelled a major invasion. We now only have the occasional skirmish against the demonic forces. Do you see the man over there? The one with drink in hand and staring about like a half-witted yokel? He’s called Agent Six. He may not look like much, but he’s quite capable in a fight.” Snow glances briefly toward me, speaking in a voice loud enough that I hear every word from where I’m standing.

“Hey, Alice. She’s insulting me now.”

“Eh, she did say you’re quite capable in a fight. She’s complimenting you.”

I don’t really find that very convincing. It’s at best a backhanded compliment…

“Currently, our kingdom employs a large number of similar mercenaries. And these mercenaries are as savage as their brutish looks suggest. However, if we give them an enemy to fight, they’re easy to keep leashed.”

The prince casts a worried glance in my direction.

Even I can tell that she’s not complimenting me.

Snow wears an evil grin as a threat lurks behind her words. “Certainly, we’re currently in a staring match with the Demon Lord’s Army, but I have no doubt that the war will heat up again soon. However…it’s important we maintain good relations with our neighbors, if only to keep these barbarians in check.”

“O-of course! Hence our lavish welcome, Lady Snow…”

…I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that exchange.

Just then.

“How dare you! You should have told me you were engaged! Being a hunk doesn’t mean you get to toy with a maiden’s heart!”

“B-but th-that’s ridiculous…! Please calm down, Miss Grimm! We’re drawing everyone’s attention!”

I hear angry shouting coming from right smack in the middle of the hall.

When I look over to see what’s going on, I catch our squadron’s spinster trying to curse the knight from earlier.

“O Great Lord Zenarith, I beseech thee! Deliver disaster unto this man! Be drenched in water!”

Something in Grimm’s hands vanishes in a flash of light, just as water drenches her as though someone had emptied a bucket over her head.

…Looks like her curse misfired.

The thoroughly soggy Grimm slumps, gazing down at the ground and trembling.

“…Heh…Heh-heh-heh… Laugh! Ha-ha-ha! Laugh at this pathetic woman! Laugh at the woman dumped by the handsome knight! Laugh at the woman who then couldn’t even get a curse right! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha. Laugh at me!”

The spinster flops onto the carpeted floor, rolling back and forth in a temper tantrum. I try not to think about the fact that she’s one of my subordinates…

This is really hard to watch, so I turn to leave. At which point…

“Please, young lady, don’t be so hard on yourself. The soaked dress and tears are spoiling your beauty. I’ll have the maids prepare a fresh set of clothes for you…”

As Grimm throws a tantrum, a tall middle-aged gentleman approaches her and lends his handkerchief. He then offers her a hand to help her stand.

He’s built pretty ruggedly. He’s probably a general or something along those lines.

“…Th-thank you, sir. M-may I have your name…?”

“First, allow me to warn you that I’m married, with children.”

I can’t stand to keep watching. I walk up to Alice, who has been keenly observing Grimm, and poke her shoulder. Then I quickly make my way out of the room.

5

“Hey, Alice. I’ve done pretty well for myself, haven’t I? I kinda figured my achievements would trigger all sorts of romance flags among me and my squad mates. So what the hell? Does everyone just want a rich, handsome guy? Here I am on an alien world, and I still can’t escape the harsh sting of reality.”

“You’re pretty greedy yourself, wanting someone young, well-endowed, beautiful, and faithful in the same package. As an android, I have to say men and women are both useless. If you want the ideal partner, I’d say you’re better off sticking to the R-rated androids Kisaragi will be selling soon.”

Alice and I wander around the castle as I try to cool off from the flush of warmth brought on by the alcohol…

“…Wait, run that by me again? Kisaragi’s going to be selling R-rated, pervy, pretty-girl androids? “

“I never said anything about them being pervy.”

Shit. Now I just want to go back to Earth. But if I go back now, I’ll definitely get tossed into a war zone full of Heroes…

As I’m pondering all this, Alice suddenly stops in her tracks. “We’re here. Six, what do you think this is?”

Sitting here in the corner of the castle is a strange device with a large glass case attached in the middle. The case is filled with some sort of liquid, and the machine appears to be working.

“I know what it is. It’s one of those pods you use to grow things. Specifically, pretty-girl homunculi and human clones. Alice, figure out how this works and make a clone of Snow. Then we can take the new, pure Snow and replace the corrupt one in the banquet hall.”

“That sounds pretty entertaining, but this looks more like a hibernation capsule. Probably used to keep something in suspended animation. Based on the fact that it’s empty, though, it seems whatever was inside woke up and ran off,” Alice observes as she surveys the device, touching it here and there.

“Nah, I don’t think so. This has to be a device to create beautiful women. I mean, why else would it be sitting here like this? I bet if we mess around with it, it’ll spit out something like a gumball machine.”

“Well, if you’re that certain, give it a try. But the design’s more like a life-support device than anything else.”

Undeterred by Alice’s remarks, I start randomly messing with the machine.

I eventually lose patience as all my efforts don’t even get me a single beep. Alice lets out an exasperated sigh at my irritation.

“I bet it’s broken from sitting here for hundreds of years,” I tell her. “Usually these things start working if you smack them.”

“Whatever; if that’s what it takes to satisfy your curiosity. If you break it, we’re getting the hell out of here. So be ready to run.”

I listen to Alice’s words with half an ear as I approach the device and cock my fist back to strike. Just then—

“STOP!”

—a yell that sounds rather like a scream echoes through the dark hallway.

I turn around to find the source of the commotion…

“You idiots. What are you doing?! Do you know how important this device is?”

The voice belongs to a young man—a boy, probably still in elementary school. He’s a little mouthy, but he is handsome, especially in his face. A mop of silver hair and a different-colored iris in each eye round out the look.

…I could swear I’ve seen someone like him before.

“What do you want, you brat? You some sort of custodian? I’m Mr. Six, an important envoy from the kingdom of Grace. You should watch your tone if you want to avoid a diplomatic incident.”

“I’m not involved with this country. Wait, did you just say…you’re Six? You…? Huh, Gadalkand lost to you? Guess he was all talk after all.”

…What’s with this brat? Think I need to teach him some manners.

—Wait, what did he just say?

“Gadalkand? That’s the name of the Elite Four member I hacked to pieces, right? Didn’t think a dumb brat like you would know something like that.”

The boy snorts derisively. “Oh, I see. I guess Heine was right. You’re a little lacking in the brains department. My name is Russell. One of the Demon Lord’s Elite Four, Russell of the Water.”

A daring smile plays across his lips.

A moment later, his smile is replaced by a look of discomfort and a cry of pain as his face is subjected to my iron grip.

“…Hey! What’s wrong, Russell? The hell is going…? Gah! Y-you?!”

As I’m punishing the child claiming to be an overlord in the Demon Lord’s Army, I hear a familiar voice call out from behind me.

I turn around to face the voice—

“Target apprehended!”

“Gaaaah! What?! Wait…!”

Standing there is the unmistakable figure of the Elite Four member, Heine of the Flames.

I don’t know what she’s doing here, but I toss Russell aside and tackle Heine as she stands frozen in shock.

“Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Don’t know why you’re here, but you shouldn’t have let your guard down! Alice, get them to send us some handcuffs!”

“On it!”

“Stop! Hey, Six! You’ve got the wrong idea! I’m not your enemy today! I’m not here to wipe out humanity or anything! I’m here as an envoy from the Demon Lord!”

Heine lets out a desperate cry as I pin her to the floor.

“Six, the handcuffs are here.”

“Good work, Alice! Go ahead and lock her up once I hold her arms behind her!”

“Wait… Listen…!”

I keep Heine pinned to the floor, grabbing her arms and dragging them behind her back.

“Six, she’s cuffed. You can let go now.”

“Dammit, listen to me…! H-hey, Six! I’m restrained now. You can let go of me. H-hey, why are you breathing so heavily? Russell! Russell! HELP!!”

I flip around in place, holding Heine in front of me like a shield.

“Guh?! R-Russell… Y-you…!”

“Heine?! N-no, I was just trying to help…!”

Sensing danger from behind me, I shielded myself from Russell’s attack with Heine, and Heine took his spell in the back.

Her features twist into a pained grimace.

“You brat! The hell are you doing, attacking someone you just met?! How awful!”

“That’s impressive, Six. Forgetting your own actions from just three minutes ago.”

I don’t understand what Alice is getting at, but I stand, keeping Heine positioned as a shield.

I stay hidden behind her as I slowly approach Russell. His face has gone pale from the shock of accidentally hurting an ally.

“Hey, Heine. Just because you’re a villain doesn’t mean you can’t choose your allies more carefully. Not only did this brat attack someone he just met from behind, but he totally did so knowing he might hurt you. Such a ruthless savage!”

“Six, you really should look in a mirror… You know what? Never mind, I’m done.”

As I try to comfort Heine, Alice interjects with another odd comment from the side.

“Well, either way. We came to a foreign castle and captured a pervy Elite Four member. Not only do I get the credit, but I get to enjoy a little aggressive interrogation time. Hee-hee-hee. I’m sure you’re well aware of what happens to female leaders that get captured by the enemy, hmm?”

“S-S-Six, w-wait…! We really aren’t here as enemies… And your hands keep touching my chest…!”

Each time Heine tries to squirm away, I’m told by a voice in my mind that I’ve acquired more Evil Points.

“Nice work, Six. You may as well go full scumbag now. Show me what it means to be a petty, conniving little rat!”

Ignoring both the teary-eyed Heine and the obnoxiously commenting Alice, I turn my attention to Russell.

“So just what are you exactly? Is the Demon Lord’s Army so starved for talent that they’d make a petty, conniving brat like you into an overlord?”

“Wh-what the hell are you going on about?! Calling me petty and conniving! As if humans have any room to talk!”

<Evil Points Acquired>

Evidently Russell isn’t used to taunting, snapping back at me with flushed cheeks. “Let go of Heine already! I’ve heard all about you. You conquered the impregnable Tower of Duster and you killed Gadalkand! I bet you used some dirty tricks for both feats!”

“Stop, Russell. Don’t taunt him! Also, Six! Stop groping me every time you say something! Wai—stop!”

<Evil Points Acquired>

I pull Heine closer, drawing my pistol from my hip. “Let’s make sure we understand each other, little man. Of all the types of villains in the world, the kind I can’t stand the most is kids like you. I bet you say things like ‘Can I keep him as my toy?’ and ‘I’m bored; can I break him now?’ I’ve heard it all before.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about…! I only say things like that every once in a while! And let go of Heine already! If you want to fight me, I’ll indulge you. Just stop fondling my friend!”

<Evil Points Acquired>

He doesn’t seem to realize I’ve got a weapon in my hand.

He may be a member of the Elite Four, but I’ll admit I’m not totally thrilled at the idea of killing a kid. But them’s the breaks in an evil organization.

I point the barrel of my gun at Russell and prepare to squeeze the trigger. Just then…

“Come on, Six, listen to me! I’m here as an official envoy to this country. If you attack us, that’ll complicate things between this kingdom and yours! And for the last time, stop groping my breasts!”

Even as Heine the Hostage tries desperately to convince me, the flow of Evil Points continues.

6

“Raaaaaagh! All right, old man, you better have a good reason for this! You trying to mess with Kisaragi?! Betrayal comes with a high price tag!”

“Wh-wh-what in blazes?! Guards!! GUARDS!!”

Bursting into the banquet hall, I demand answers from Engel. “Don’t ‘what in blazes’ me, old man! Is your country selling water crystals to the demons? Hmm? Planning an alliance with them, are you? Maybe hoping to join in their invasion plans? Well?”

“Ah. I see you ran into Lady Heine. Your name was Six, yes? Listen to me.”

Engel sits in a plush, elaborate chair in the middle of the room. He appears to be sitting to keep his weight off a bad knee. Snow has him cornered inside his chair. He looks to me and shakes his head deliberately, trying to reassure me.

Snow’s eyes go wide at this exchange, and she, too, starts demanding answers from the prince. “Is this true, Your Highness? Why is Heine of the Flames here in your castle? If there’s any truth to what Six is saying, we cannot very well ignore the threat!”

“Lady Snow, allow me to explain. Sir Six is mistaken about an alliance with the Demon Lord’s Army. We’ve only agreed to a nonaggression pact. The demons are intelligent. They’re more than capable of negotiating with us. After a few meetings, we found we could come to a mutually beneficial arrangement.”

Ah, so this old man figured he could play both sides.

Thinking back on it, there were always these sorts of countries, even on Earth. The sort that wouldn’t take a clear stance on Kisaragi, even knowing we were an evil megacorporation. Once the winner was obvious, they’d jump in with the winning side at the last minute.

I suppose that’s ultimately what diplomacy is all about, but I’ve never seen it end well for any country that tries it. Once the dust settles, they’re usually bullied into concessions, maybe signing an unfair treaty. Other times they just end up being annexed in the end anyway.

I mean, that’s how we operated. I can’t imagine it’s any different here.

“We, of course, have no intention of becoming your enemy. You are aware of the reason the demons resorted to war, yes? They say they were forced into it by the Sand King. The desertification of their lands left them with no other choice. Indeed, we’ll be happy to mediate negotiations between you and the Demon Lord. Why not take this opportunity to end the war entirely?”

Engel shakes his head in a gesture that I guess is meant to demonstrate he’s the adult in the room. The gesture has no effect on Snow, who abandons her respectful tone for a combative one.

“So long as the Sand King exists, the demons will eventually run out of habitable land. So long as they crave new land, there’s no room for peace!”

I don’t know who this Sand King is, but eventually he’s going to turn all the demon country into desert. In which case, they have no choice but to invade other countries for their land.

Just like us. We’re here in search of new lands to conquer.

“Actually, if you’re willing to negotiate, we’re open to the possibility of peace.”

I hear the voice come from the entrance. I turn to see Heine standing there, arms still restrained behind her back.

Oh yeah. I guess I was in such a rush to get back here that I forgot to remove those cuffs.

“How dare you speak of peace! How many of our soldiers do you think lost their lives fighting you?! They were all good men. Heath, who came up with schemes to embezzle money… Molech, who sent me bribes… And just as importantly, you melted my precious sword Iceberg! I haven’t forgotten what you did to her!” Snow reveals bits of damning information during her angry tirade.

Ignoring her, Heine smiles seductively and saunters over to Engel. “I’d say we’re about even on that count, given that you killed Gadalkand. Thanks to Prince Engel’s help, we might find a solution to the Sand King problem, too. Evidently, there’s something in this kingdom’s ancient ruins that can defeat it. That’s actually why we’re here today.”

…Ancient ruins? Are those the same ruins Tillis mentioned?

Engel helpfully picks up the thread and fills in the details. “Basically, if we can do something about the Sand King, there’s no need for war between the Demon Lord’s Army and our kingdoms. Do you see now, Lady Snow? Our kingdom hasn’t betrayed anyone. In fact, this proposal is meant to provide a helping hand to the kingdom of Grace. You were facing defeat after all. However…”

His expression clouds with sadness.

“…it appears Lady Snow did not understand our sincere intent. Not only that, she decided to threaten us…”

Engel deliberately shakes his head, and Snow can’t find the words to respond.

Heine smiles mischievously. “We heard from Prince Engel that you all stopped buying water crystals. We offered to take those excess water crystals off their hands; you think you can just stroll back in and buy more?”

Ah, I see. The glut of water crystals opened the doors for the Demon Lord’s Army to step in.

“Snow, was it? Are you sure you should be so aggressive?” Heine teases. “Depending on how this plays out, you might end up making an enemy of both Toris and the Demon Lord’s Army.”

“Grr… Grrrr…!”

Seems Snow has realized the weakness of her position, grinding her teeth in frustration.

But as if driven by a sudden insight, she grabs Engel’s arm and presses up to him…

“Surely Your Highness would choose the kingdom of Grace over the demons, yes? I may have come on more strongly than intended earlier, but I have believed in your judgment, Your Highness. Why don’t we get better acquainted, as a sign of our kingdoms’ friendship?”

“H-hey, wait, you’re willing to go that far for your country? P-Prince Engel! I would be happy to keep you company…”

Suddenly the two women are engaging in a tug-of-war for Prince Engel’s attention.

Oh, come on. This is ridiculous.

“Heine! You, a high-ranking demon resorting to seduction? Do you have no sense of shame?! Surely Your Highness finds me more attractive, yes?”

“Wh-what are you talking about?! You’re the one who started with the seduction! I—I met His Highness first! You should be the one to back off! Your Highness will choose me, right?”

This is just bizarre. There’s so much wrong here.

Why are these beautiful women fighting over this ugly old dude instead of me?

Despite being in a situation that’s right out of a harem genre story, Engel maintains his calm and answers them both. “I appreciate your gestures, but surely we shouldn’t let something like this influence the outcome of diplomacy.”

“Wh-what’s wrong, Your Highness?! You’re very different than your reputation!”

“All you could do was stare at my chest yesterday, and now you’re acting like you’re above it all. What happened between then and now?!”

Engel remains as calm as a sage, stoic in the face of the pair’s attempts at seduction. “For whatever reason, right before this banquet started, I suddenly felt like a new man. I started to question my shallow obsession with women…”

“Prince Engel, are you sure you are well?! You’re a completely different person from the description provided to me by Princess Tillis!”

“I can’t get over the fact that you went from calmly sexually harassing me yesterday to this!”

The two corner Engel, but he looks unfazed.

As a fellow man, this is a situation that makes me grind my teeth together with envy, but maybe this guy’s more than he appears.

However…

“Prince Engel! I, Snow, may have problems with my personality, but I’m confident in my face and body! Surely it’s better between two humans than with some random demon!” Snow approaches Engel, eyes bloodshot from her desperation not to let this potential sugar daddy get away.

Huh? So she actually is aware of her personality flaws?

“Wh-what?! P-Prince Engel! I, Heine, am faithful and diligent. I—I… Um…”

Heine’s a bit turned off by Snow’s aggression, but she presses on with her seduction attempt to avoid losing.

But the prince himself…?

“Sigh. What am I to do with you? I keep telling you I have no interest in you two…”

He sighs out a remark worthy of a stoic protagonist with no libido to speak of, then glances toward me with a wry, almost gloating smile.

…This feels like the dictionary definition of failure.

It’s the feeling when you wait in line for a collector’s item and the person in front of you buys the last one.

The feeling when you hear the Kisaragi Supreme Leaders are bathing and take a peek…and get an eyeful of naked Tiger Man.

The feeling when brand-new Combat Agents who join up later shoot past me and end up in positions of power.

The feeling when I get my ass kicked by a Hero.

But compared to all those, the feeling of defeat at the hands of the man in front of me is overwhelming.

“What is it, Six? You’ve got that determined look again. You’re not planning anything stupid, are you?” Alice prods me from behind, trying to warn me.

“Sorry, Alice. I’m about to do something ridiculous, but can you just give me a pass this time? There are times when a man just can’t back down.”

“…I don’t understand what it is you’re talking about, but I’m your partner and evil corporate colleague. I’ll stand by you to the end, no matter what evil deeds you commit. Go ahead and relax,” Alice says, clearly sensing my determination. Aww, I think I’m gonna cry.

It’s all right, I have a reliable partner. She’ll figure it out, regardless of what happens.

“Damn you, Heine! I’ve hated you from the moment I met you. Dangling those stupidly huge tits out and sucking up to every man in sight! Not only is there overlap in our character types, but you’re trying to seduce my target…!”

“I’m not dangling anything! And as for sucking up, what the hell is wrong with you! And I’m not the same character type as you are! I’m not nearly as greedy!”

Despite the fact that the two fighting over him are about to start grappling with each other, Engel himself looks untroubled.

I wander up next to the prince. “Hey, man, the situation in this hall’s getting pretty ugly, huh? How about I do a little party trick to lighten the mood?”

“A party trick? Lady Snow mentioned fighting was your area of expertise, but you can do party tricks also? Very well. See what you can do to clear the air in here.”

With the tables turned to his advantage, Engel’s manner of speaking has changed entirely. He doesn’t seem to be expecting much, but everyone looks over at me as he gives his permission…

“You’re the perverted woman who let Six take all those racy pictures when you fought us! Your Highness, you should avoid women with no modesty, like this demon. On that front, I’m still pure! I can even ride unicorns…”

“Shut your mouth! I didn’t expose myself like that because I wanted to! It’s all Six’s fault…!”

Ignoring the two as their argument intensifies, I step behind Engel, who waits with an expression of curiosity.

“Hmm? If you stand there, I won’t be able to see your trick, Six.”

I let those words go in one ear and out the other. Alice notices that I’ve reached down to grab the zipper on my fly.

As I watch the android’s oddly human-looking expression of bewilderment…

“All right, here I go. This is one of the most famous can’t-miss party tricks passed down through the generations in my country!”

“Topknot!”

<Evil Points Acquired>

[Declaration of War]

The kingdom of Toris, unable to tolerate the attempts at intimidation of a longtime ally by your kingdom’s envoys and the blatantly disrespectful actions against Crown Prince Engel, hereby formally declare war upon the kingdom of Grace.

As a consequence, we will be withdrawing all diplomatic personnel, suspending export of water crystals, and implementing all available economic sanctions.

If the kingdom of Grace wishes to demonstrate its remorse, it may do so by turning over the two envoys. Otherwise, the kingdom of Toris will not hesitate to resort to the use of force and acquire recompense in blood.

“Yeah, circumstances really are important. The line’s pretty close to what she said earlier, but now my pulse is racing for a completely different reason…”

Her cheeks flush a faint shade of pink again. “Boss, have you heard of the suspension bridge effect? Maybe that’s love…”

“That’s true. This racing heartbeat might be love! All right, come at me! I’ve made my peace! I’ll take you down!” An evil minion can’t afford to be afraid of a little girl like her!

“Grandpa used to say, ‘when people fall in love, they want to become one with their opponent…’”

“Your grandpa was right, but you’re misunderstanding what he wanted to tell you.” I correct her as I drop into a fighting stance.

“Well then, I’ll leave the two of you to it.”

I watch as Alice steps out of the tent.

“I bet we were fated to have this battle before we were even born… Rose, Battle Chimera for the kingdom of Grace! Prepare yourself!”

“Combat Agent Six, Kisaragi Corporation! Prepare to give up some points!”

In a tent in a desert far, far away, a heated night begins!

<Massive Amounts of Evil Points Acquired>

“Ah. Cheer up, Six,” Alice calls out happily. “We can see it in the distance.”

“……”

I let out a sigh, unable to muster the will to respond.

I’m sitting in the passenger seat of the brand-new buggy. “<Hey, Alice. I really wanna to go back to Earth.>”

“<What are you talking about? You seemed to have a lot of fun last night. It got us a new buggy. Cheer up!>”

……

“<Fun?! Fun?!! Don’t be ridiculous. We didn’t go all the way. That was foreplay at most!>”

“<Eh, you say that, but you earned a nice amount of points. Good work. You should make this a regular thing with Rose.>”

Last night I fought Rose, who had gone completely off the rails. I took advantage of little openings here and there to earn some points, then used the points earned during the battle to order some food, then used that as bait to neutralize Rose…

“<But damn, Chimeras are pretty scary. She gave me a run for my money.>”

“<Fascinating, isn’t it? It really makes investigating the planet’s ancient ruins all the more important.>”

I glance over at the back seat, seeing the three of them slumped and out cold. There isn’t a trace of sex appeal left.

“<Still, can’t say we succeeded in the mission Tillis gave us. We only got one of those weird fruits, and even then, we used a good chunk of the water. And I want to send this off to Kisaragi for study. Its ability to absorb liquid would be really handy if we can find alternative uses for it.>”

“<Damn, I’d forgotten about the mission…>” I can’t help but dread what comes next.

The kingdom of Grace comes into view, and there’s something off about it.

It reminds me of the time the Demon Lord’s Army was about to attack…

6

“It appears Toris and the Demon Lord’s Army have joined forces and are preparing to invade.”

Alice and I are summoned to the castle immediately after our return and given the news without so much as a cursory “welcome back.”

While we were busy getting lost in the desert, it appears they’d finished their invasion preparations.

“I see. So you’d like to borrow my power, right? Well, fighting is my job after all. However, Mr. Six’s help doesn’t come cheap.”

“Have you forgotten you were the primary cause of this war?” Tillis stares flatly at me.

“I’m not the type to dwell on the past. I don’t even remember much about the past.”

“That impressive, Six, given that this all started only a week ago.”

I ignore Alice’s comment while Tillis sighs.

“Under the circumstances, we don’t have many options. However, we need you to take responsibility for your actions, Sir Six.”

“I really hate the words take responsibility.”

“It truly is refreshing to see you constantly outdo yourself on the ‘I’m a piece of shit’ scale,” Alice interjects again, “but you’re making the conversation take longer, so shut up for a bit.”

Tillis twitches her brow, but patiently continues speaking. “Thanks to the presence of the Combat Agents dispatched by the Kisaragi Corporation, we’re roughly on par with the Demon Lord’s Army. Unfortunately, with Toris on the enemy side, we can’t win a prolonged conflict. We still have to solve the issue of water…”

“You know, Tillis, if you’d just get in front of the populace and—”

“Based on your report, it appears you failed to secure enough water for our farming needs! Our kingdom is at risk if this continues! We will continue searching for my father, but I would like to ask you to undertake a specific mission!” Tillis interrupts me, taking out a single map.

“This is the map to the ruins that would have been your payment had the mission to Toris succeeded. I’m told two of the Demon Lord’s Army lords are currently exploring these ruins…?”

Oh yeah, kind of got lost in all that hubbub, but that’s why Heine and Russell were in Toris, wasn’t it?

“Yep, apparently there’s some sort of powerful ancient weapon inside. They were planning to use it to beat the Sand King,” I reply.

Tillis nods. “I’d like to have the two of you head to those ruins.”

“…So you want us to stop them from acquiring the ancient weapon?”

We have no idea what that weapon might be, but Heine seemed awfully sure of its power.

I have to admit, I’m not keen on just letting the enemy have it, but…

Just then…

“<Hey, Six. We need to take this mission. Otherwise we’re screwed.>”

“<Pretty unusual for you to insist like this. You worried about the ancient weapon?>”

Tillis appears surprised by Alice’s sudden remarks in Japanese, but she remains silent, watching us converse.

“<Remember that weird glass case in Toris? It was empty. There just happened to be a member of the Demon Lord’s Army leadership who was familiar with both the ancient ruins and the case. Does any of this sound fishy to you?>” Alice’s tone is more serious than usual, and my mouth suddenly goes dry.

I gulp. “<…You mean there’s tons of those glass cases in the ancient ruins, and they’re mass producing beautiful female homunculi?>”

“<No, you idiot… That brat, Russell. He seemed awfully familiar with the ancient ruins. I think he was probably the one originally in that case. Think about it; he was awfully angry when you tried to hit the thing. Almost like he was trying to protect something that was important to him.>”

Now that she mentions it, I do remember that.

“<There’s a chance that he’s an artificial Chimera made long ago, just like Rose. And unlike Rose, he still remembers the past. If he’s saying that he can beat the Sand King with the ancient weapon… Rose the combat Chimera was able to hold her own with you. Now think of someone like that with a really powerful weapon…>”

“<Well, there goes our local business!>”

I finally grasp the situation after Alice’s explanation. The reason the Kisaragi Corporation’s Combat Agents can handle the Demon Lord’s Army is because we have the advantage of modern weapons. That means we’ll be in a world of trouble if they get their hands on some high-tech weaponry of their own.

From my exclamation and shocked expression, Tillis judges that I’ve realized something and resumes speaking. “I don’t know exactly what you were talking about, but it appears you’ve come to a decision.”

“Yup, this is a problem for us, too. We’ll go ahead and completely annihilate that weapon for you.”

I nod to Tillis, whose expression softens in return.

“Thank you. Hopefully we can solve all this before the water crisis becomes unsolvable…”

“Well, the water issue could be solved with your help, if you’d just cooperate.”

Yes, if only she’d say a certain phrase in front of the masses…

“I’m afraid I simply don’t have the power… With my magical ability and skill level, I can only summon a water spirit for a short period. So unfortunately…”

“No, that’s not it. We’re not expecting you to do anything with your magic. You just need to chant that phrase in front of everyone.”

Tillis completely ignores me. “Very well, Sir Six, Miss Alice! Please do everything in your power to destroy the ancient weapon!”

“Hey, wait a minute. You told me earlier to take responsibility. Then, Tillis, you need to take responsibility as a member of the royal family. All you have to do is chant one simple phrase.”

Tillis avoids my gaze as I stare at her. Just then…

“Wait, let’s not destroy the weapon. We can just take it for ourselves.”

…the evil organization’s android proposes an extremely rational alternative.

7

Returning to the hideout, we update Tiger Man on the situation.

“So we’ll leave defending this country up to you, Tiger Man. We’ll go infiltrate the ruins in Toris.”

“Mrrrr. That’s not fairrrr. I wanna go, too…”

We’re sitting in the room marked CONFERENCE ROOM in the hideout. Tiger Man lets out a disappointed purr.

Infiltrate the ancient ruins and take the weapon our rivals are trying to claim, then use that weapon to conquer Toris. That’s the plan Alice has come up with.

Currently, while the Demon Lord’s Army is advancing aggressively toward the city, Toris has been cautiously making progress.

If the enemy gets their hands on the ancient weapon, the situation would become dramatically worse for us.

If our squad members weren’t still recovering, I would have preferred to leave right away.

Alice takes out a map. “The ruins in Toris are here. We’ll follow Russell’s group as they survey the interior of the ruins. There’s likely to be defenses and traps inside the ruins, so we’ll let them deal with those. We can then attack them when they reach the last room and grab the weapon away from them.”

““Solid plan,”” Tiger Man and I say in unison.

Let the enemy struggle through the combat and traps toward the objective. The moment they get to the end and let their guard down, attack them.

A wonderful plan, the very model of an evil scheme.

“Tiger Man, you’ve forgotten to purr out your words.”

“It’s just us right now, so who cares? Still, following a group around the ruins would be a bit difficult given my size. Frrrine. I’ll stay home and guarrrd this.”

Tiger Man bats his tail from side to side as Alice places a rock on top of the map.

“Your job isn’t going to be any easier, Tiger Man. Your job is to stall the Demon Lord’s Army that’s likely to come from this direction. If they get through, Toris’s army will probably follow them. If we succeed in acquiring the weapon, we can force them into a hostage situation disguised as negotiations. If we can’t, we’ll end up getting dragged into an all-out war between two countries. It’s an important job; we’re counting on you.”

“This ambush point, it’s woodland. I’m the king of the jungle, Tigerrr Man. I can win a defensive battle in a forrrest with my eyes closed.”

“Damn, Tiger Man! You’re both creepy and awesome when you’re purring words like that!”

Mutants Chameleon Man and Tiger Man.

Their sexual fetishes and personalities are rather questionable, but they’re Kisaragi’s two best when it comes to woodland fighting.

Alice turns her gaze to Tiger Man and me. “Good. Well, it’s time to head back to Toris. The leadership of the Demon Lord’s Army is still there. I’m sure the kingdom itself is pretty busy and confused with war preparations, but they probably want to finish the survey quickly.”

Alice lifts her fist into the air.

“We’re an evil organization. Let’s get them right where we want them, then swipe the glory out from under them!”

““Wooooo!””

We let out a cheer and bump our fists together.

[Status Report]

Started a war with a neighboring kingdom over a difference in cultural values.

It appears popular Japanese party tricks are considered offensive in countries with no sense of humor.

Speaking of differences in cultural values, “man-eater” types on this planet are much more aggressive than those on Earth.

I almost wound up getting eaten, but I managed to avoid being carried away by the heat of the moment and resisted crossing any lines.

I believe anyone else would have been eaten under the same circumstances.

Considering the circumstances of this last mission, I hereby propose teleporting water and food supplies in the event of an emergency.

It’s a matter of life or death, so please seriously consider this proposal.

Reporting Operative:

Combat Agent 6, Super Attractive to Man-Eaters

6

I run back toward the path we came in from, escaping from the chamber.

“Damned monkey! Hold still! I’ll crush you for humiliating Heine!” Russell chases after me with his giant robot, calling me a monkey all the while.

“Oh, shut up! Do you really want Heine’s undergarments that badly, you pervy brat? Here, you can have her bra! Just go away!” In a slightly desperate move, I toss the bra toward the pursuing robot.

“Wh-what the hell?! Heine and I aren’t…”Russell trails off, stopping for a moment as the fluttering lingerie catches his eye.

We use that opening to flee into a smaller room. Russell looks a bit upset that his prey escaped as we take the long way around him.

“So we’ve managed to take cover, but what are we going to do now? I think that’s a little too big to take on directly…,” Rose says between labored breaths. She’s right; I can’t think of any weapons that would be useful against a target that big.

“Wait, can he even get out of this place? Looks like this little room is the only way out…”

“That would be lovely, but I doubt the ancients were that stupid. I’m sure there’s a door designed for that giant to use.”

As Snow and Grimm speculate, Alice identifies our way out.

“Let’s just head back to the entrance. If he can’t get out, we can just leave. If he follows us, we’ll come back inside and try to wait him out.”

“Sounds like a plan. I doubt anything that big can move for long without resupplying.”

We head back toward the ruin entrance in accordance with Alice’s plan.

Unfortunately, but not necessarily surprisingly, we get the worst possible scenario when we arrive…

“Oh, there you are. I was starting to get tired of waiting. Sorry, but I’m not letting you go this time. I should also mention that the ruins aren’t tough enough to handle me. You’re wasting your time if you think you can hide inside.”

Waiting at the entrance in his giant robot, Russell smirks from the cockpit.

“Well, Six? What do we do now?” Alice sounds rather calm, sitting cross-legged on the floor as our surroundings shake with the dull, distant thuds of the ruins coming down around us.

I sit there, crossing my arms and tilting my head in thought.

“He’s pretty short-tempered, so I doubt he’ll let us go even if we apologize. I feel like Heine might have let us go if we promised to defect to the Demon Lord’s Army.”

“Right now, Heine’s standing topless in front of her subordinates. I imagine she wants you dead more than anyone else,” Snow interjects as she casts a look around the room.

I thought she might be looking for another way out, but instead, she ignores our predicament and begins picking up lights and other odds and ends scattered nearby. I can’t quite decide if I’m supposed to be impressed by her dedication or not.

“Should we try one of my curses? If that thing is a magical semi-monster like a golem, my curses should work on it.”

“That thing’s probably a robot rather than type of magical creature… Hey, Grimm, test your curses on Alice. Technically, she has more in common with that giant thing than she does with golems.”

My proposal gets a response.

“Those scams again? Sure, give it a try. Hypnosis doesn’t work on androids.”

“All right, fine. I’ll show you my true power!” Grimm points her finger at Alice as the two of them stand up.

“Oh, hey, Grimm. Just in case you fail, make sure it’s a relatively light curse.”

“O Great Lord Zenarith, deliver disaster unto this blasphemous brat! Be assaulted by debris!”

Simultaneously, I hear a dull thud, and Grimm collapses to the floor as a piece of debris hits her head.

“Why is she always getting hurt before a fight?”

“Boss, the wall doesn’t look like it can take much more! There’s a lot more pieces falling down on us!”

I don’t even have the time to complain about Grimm being knocked out of the fight. Rose is right; the ruins are collapsing much more quickly.

“H-hey, Six, don’t you have any tricks up your sleeve?” Snow pleads. “Look at all this treasure! It’ll be worth a small fortune if I can take it back. We can’t give up now!”

“You idiot! Throw those away! That junk will just slow you down!”

Dammit, how do we get out of this?!

Just as I’m trying to sort out this mess in my mind…

“…Boss, it seems like he and I are related in some way. Do you want me to try talking to him…? Besides, I might be able to learn something about who I am in the process…”

As I’m in the middle of debating offering up the good-looking (but otherwise problematic) Snow as a sacrifice, Rose hesitantly offers her idea.

It takes me a moment to realize it might actually work.

“All right, it’s worth a try! Okay, Rose, to work up your rapport with him, start emphasizing the whole ‘Grandpa was right that humans are the enemy’ and—”

…I cut myself off at that point.

Rose had tried to sound happy and casual when she suggested it, but on a closer look, I notice she’s trembling.

I don’t know what she’s afraid of. Is she afraid of learning about her identity? Or is she afraid of the robot? Then again, given her love of fighting, she might not be frightened at all; maybe she’s trembling with excitement.

Still…

“Actually, stay here and protect this useless old priestess.”

“Do you actually have a plan?” Rose interjects without a pause.

“Hey, trainee, you think Kisaragi can’t handle that thing? Kisaragi’s technology is awesome. We can take on a clumsy hunk of scrap metal like that without breaking a sweat.”

“W-wait, since when am I a trainee?! I thought I said no!”

I ignore Rose’s protest and turn to Alice. “So, Alice, that’s the situation. Have any good solutions?”

“There is one,” she respond immediately. “But it’s risky. First, give up on recovering that robot. Also, are you prepared for your point balance to fall into the negatives again?”

“I thought we couldn’t do that anymore. Every time I send in a request that would drop me into the red, they don’t send me anything.”

Ordinarily if your Evil Points fall below zero, the punishment squad comes after you. However, since I figured they couldn’t send the punishment squad after me on this planet, I planned to go on a negative point spending spree, but…

“If they let you borrow points, you’d have spent yourself into oblivion. So I had them make it impossible for you to borrow points if it isn’t an emergency. Pay back what you owe me before you complain.”

“I’m glad you understand me so well. Could you wait a bit longer on the loans?”

Still, being able to spend more points than I have is pretty handy. I don’t think that even counts as a risk, really.

My face must have been giving away my thoughts, and Alice continues her line of questions. Her tone suggests she knows my answer, but she asks anyway. “The last problem is that you need to buy us time. You’ll have to take on that thing by yourself for a bit.”

I confidently snort out a laugh. “Buying time is my specialty. You’re talking to Agent Six, tenacity in power armor. I don’t know what you’re going to order, but I’ll leave that to you, my brainy partner.”

“I feel nothing but concern over your personality and mental state, but when it comes to fighting, I trust you, my brawny partner.”

This mouthy android. Why is she only reassuring at times like this?

She smacks me on the back and picks up her Kisaragi device.

“Alice, what do you need me to do?”

“You and Rose are going to assist me. You’ll need to follow orders to the letter. The longer it takes to assemble, the lower Six’s chance of survival, got it?”

What’s she planning to assemble?

…You know what? I’m not even gonna bother thinking about it. Thinking is her job, after all.

I jump outside and head toward Russell, who is pressed up against the ruins.

“It is I, Kisaragi Corporation Operative Agent Six! Stop making such a racket, you damn brat! If you want to bang things against a wall, go get a hotel room and do it there!”

I set my power armor’s strength boosters to maximum, taking a swing at its foot…!

7

After punching Russell’s giant robot’s foot, I…

“The hell?! If you’re going to run around like that, you shouldn’t have come out in the first place!”

“Oh, shut up! This is all part of my clever scheme! I don’t know what kind of energy you’re using, but I doubt anything that big can run for long!”

…have been focusing on evading any attacks, running around the robot’s feet and tossing taunts at every opportunity.

“This thing uses the pilot’s life force as fuel! A mere mortal might get exhausted quickly, but if it’s a Chimera like me at the controls, it can run for hours! Dammit, stop moving!” Russell stomps around in irritation. Each step sends a quiver through the ground, almost tripping me.

I’m not actually waiting for him to run out of energy; I only said that to explain why I bothered to come out and start scurrying about.

“You say that, but you seem kinda worried! No idiot’s going to take what an enemy says at face value! I’m used to endurance matches. It’ll take you hours to catch me!”

“Grrr, you little…! Screw it! I’m going to crush your friends first while you watch!” Russell shouts, turning the robot around to resume destroying the ruins…

“Whoa! Wh-what are you doing?! Now I’m pissed! I’m going to crush you flat!”

…but is promptly interrupted by the shots I fire at the cockpit. He quickly resumes chasing me.

Even if all I’m doing is buying time, this is nerve-racking. The worst part is that I don’t have a real way to fight back.

“Oh, for the love of…! Why are you doing this?! You can’t even scratch me! Just give up and surrender already!”

…Wait, no. I actually do have a way to fight back.

As Russell loses patience and turns his back to me, I draw my favorite weapon from behind me.

“Leave me an opening, and I’ll chop you to pieces!”

Seems he let his guard down, thinking I couldn’t do anything to him.

As the robot stands there, unconcerned with losing sight of me, I leap forward and slash with my R-Buzzsaw.

“Wh-whoa?! Wh-what are you…?!”

As I cut a gash into the giant robot’s ankle, it loses its balance and falls onto its butt—and I almost end up crushed underneath. That was a little too close for comfort.

“Hey now, looks like this ancient weapon isn’t as tough as it looks. It’s pretty lame, actually!”

“Y-you…! That’s enough!”

Russell flies into a rage at my umpteenth taunt, but he seems to realize it’s quicker to take my companions hostage than to try to get to me directly.

He only turns his gaze toward me and resumes demolishing the ruins.

Looks like he figured out I was trying to buy time. Still, I can’t just let him destroy the ruins…!

The moment of hesitation may have been my undoing as the giant robot stops attacking the walls and jumps at me, ignoring the risk of damage.

I feel an enormous impact, and then everything seems to grow a little brighter—no, that’s not right. Seems I lost consciousness, if only for a moment.

I’m driven by an instinctual need to escape, but I can only move my right arm.

Crap, this isn’t good.

I look toward Russell in the hopes I can get out of this with clever wordplay, but it seems my taunts were a little too effective.

Sitting in the giant robot’s cockpit, Russell wears the creepily ruthless smile only children can pull off. Step by step, he makes his way toward me.

“Don’t think I’ll let you die so easily.”

Russell utters a line worthy of a third-rate villain.

“That was a dumb thing to say. You’re tempting fate, you know.”

I remain in a slumped pose, offering a warning that comes from my greater experience in villainy.

Russell snorts mockingly, raising his arm toward me—

—and freezes at a sound that echoes from inside the ruins.

Guess the sound got his attention.

“What’s making that noise?” Russell looks down at me, his features wary.

“Wow… Can’t believe she ordered that of all things…”

It’s a low rumble familiar to every Combat Agent.

It’s a reassuring sound if it’s on your side, and a terrifying one if it’s not—the engine notes that every long-term Kisaragi employee can recognize in their sleep.

At the same time, the sound of something hitting a surface rings out from inside the ruins. It’s similar to the one Russell made demolishing the walls.

Russell’s expression slowly turns to one of alarm as the smashing noises and vibrations grow stronger.

The source emerges from the ruins, annihilating the walls in its wake.

“Wh-what is…?”

Russell gapes when he sees it.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, partner. The cavalry’s here.” The heroic line rings out from the speaker equipped on the thing’s exterior.

I can’t blame Russell for staring.

My badass partner is piloting a vehicle that gives Russell’s giant robot a run for its money.

“Wh-what, wh-wh-what is that thing…?!”

Suddenly bursting through the ruin’s wall is a giant multilegged combat vehicle, the pride of Kisaragi’s vehicle fleet.

I don’t know who named it, but it’s a spider-shaped weapon nicknamed the Destroyer.

Russell stands agape, staring at it in confusion.

I, in turn, do the same thing that Alice did when I took on Gadalkand.

Forcing my pain-racked body to move, I turn to Alice riding inside the Destroyer.

“Get him!”

I hold up my right arm and give her a thumbs-up—!

8

I wake up to an unbelievable sight.

“…Hey, Alice.”

“Ah, you’re awake. I injected you with medical nanomachines. Do you feel any pain?”

I’m in my bed at the hideout.

I twist around a little bit, trying to figure out how I feel. “No, can’t say anything hurts in particular…”

“Yeah? Good. You might have hit your head, though, so I’ll run some tests later. If you end up any stupider, even I might start having a hard time.” As usual, Alice’s bedside manner leaves a lot to be desired.

“I have a lot of questions. Do you mind?”

“Sure, shoot.”

First off…

“I remember up to the point where you attacked him in your Destroyer. What happened afterward?”

“We won of course. They had better hardware, but it came down to piloting skill. We took some damage, but I sent their robot to the scrapyard,” Alice explains rather cheerfully, and I feel a weight lift from my shoulders.

It’s not like I believed otherwise, but I’m still impressed by my partner. Ordinarily she’s a mouthy piece of junk, but she comes through when it counts.

“You mentioned taking damage. Is everything all right?”

“Yep. This Destroyer is a valuable asset; we had to put you into point debt to get it, after all. I’ll need a little time to repair it, but it’ll be fully functional again.”

I actually was referring to Alice, who had been piloting the thing, but I guess she’s fine.

“After you passed out, we destroyed the giant weapon and took down Russell. Snow and Rose managed to capture that brat.”

“Oh, that’s good. I’ve actually got plans for that kid. And what happened after? Where are the Demon and Toris armies?”

“Toris’s army beat a hasty retreat when I threatened them with the Destroyer. Tiger Man and the other Combat Agents took care of the Demon Lord’s Army using guerilla tactics. I took the opportunity to claim some land from both the demons and Toris. Meaning we’re done with Astaroth’s assignment, too.”

After hearing Alice’s explanation, I let out a sigh of relief.

“The princess mentioned wanting to come to a peaceful settlement with Toris, but they’re still being stubborn. They still feel they have the upper hand because they control water crystal exports.”

“Ah, gotcha.” So we just have to solve the water problem now.

“That’s about all of it. Any other questions?”

I decide to ask Alice the question that’s been bothering me the most. “Okay, well then, I did want to ask… Why were you pulling down my underwear?”

That’s right.

I woke up to Alice pulling down my underwear.

“I wasn’t taking them off; I was putting them on.”

“Doesn’t matter! Why are you putting underwear on me while I’m sleeping?! What is it? Did your curiosity get the better of you? Could you not resist checking out my impressive package?” I pull my underwear up all the way, carefully stowing everything in its proper place.

“I’m not interested in your Chunchunmaru. I was just taking care of your lower body needs.”

“Don’t call it Chunchunmaru! At least give it a more intimidating name…! Uh wait, my lower body needs? You were acting as my caretaker?” Another question comes to mind as I process what Alice just said. “How long was I out?”

“About three days. If you’re out that long, you’re going to end up doing number one and two in bed.”

Seriously…? “Damn, guess I’m off the marriage market…” I cover my face with my hands and begin crying.

“If you end up a lonely old man, I’ll take care of you until you croak, partner. So don’t be so melodramatic, Mr. Poopypants.”

I’m not sure if she’s trying to reassure me or if she’s taunting me.

“…I guess. Doesn’t look like Astaroth’s going to budge. Grimm’s a ticking time bomb, and Rose scares me. Snow is completely out of the question. I guess I’ll have to settle for you…”

“Settle for me, huh? That’s pretty rich coming from you, scumbag.” Alice tosses a jab my way, but I can see a rare hint of amusement in her expression.

“That reminds me. Can you have your body modified to have bigger boobs and be a little taller? Also, get a TENGA installed while you’re at it.”

“You’re lucky I’m an android. If you said that to a normal woman, no one would blame them for killing you.”

As Alice remarks with a sigh, I come to a realization. “Android… That’s it! Why didn’t I think of this earlier? Remember that demon Grimm summoned the other day? Try making a wish with him! Ask him to upgrade you from a mouthy android to a pretty human girl…”

“Well, that’s some attitude coming from someone who could barely move from all his injuries. And to think I cleaned up your messes for you. But if that’s how you want to play it, fine!”

As Alice throws my pants at me, I remember something important.

“Now wait, Alice. We’re not done cleaning up. Come with me for a bit.”

I grin at Alice’s suspicious glance.

Alice leads me down a flight of dimly lit stairs. Following us is my special guest—a bit of insurance in case our negotiations fail.

At the bottom of the stairs is a stinking pit of a dungeon.

And then…

“Hey, you’re looking good.”

Inside the dungeon, both arms secured with long chains, is Russell of the Water.

He lets out an unamused snort as he hears my voice. “I can’t believe you’re still alive after the beating I gave you. Tenacious, aren’t you?”

“Tenacity’s Mr. Six’s middle name. Honestly, my bosses call me that, and I don’t really like it, so could you not?”

Russell fixes me with a mocking glare. “I still can’t accept that I lost to someone as disgusting as you… Well, I guess I lost to that little one there. You were powerless against my weapon. I don’t know why you look so triumphant when you got your butt kicked by a kid like me.”

Russell grins, spitting out a string of insults. I guess he’s trying to anger me as revenge for all that taunting.

“You’re right. I’m a lowly minion after all.”

“…Just like that? How boring. You’re just going to own up to it? Sigh. I still don’t get why Gadalkand lost to you.”

When I casually accept his attempt at mockery, Russell puts his hands behind his head and leans back, as if to demonstrate he’s lost interest in me.

I point my index finger at him. “But you. Well, you’re the pathetic scrub who lost to that lowly minion, making you the most useless of all. All that attitude and look where you are: in a dungeon as our prisoner! How’s it feel to be mocked by someone so lowly? Come on, tell me, loser. Ha-ha!”

“Grrrrrrrr…!”

“Six, why are you fighting with this brat anyway? I thought you needed something from him.” Alice brings me back to the task at hand before I can taunt Russell any more.

“Oh, right. That’s not why I’m here. I actually had something I wanted to ask you.”

“Piss off.” Russell rejects my request immediately.

“…Hey, you damn brat, you should listen while Mr. Six is in a merciful mood, otherwise…”

“Go ahead. I don’t know what you’re planning to do, but go ahead and do it. Despite my looks, torture doesn’t bother me much. I guess it’s a Chimera trait. Things like heat, cold, and pain don’t bother me,” Russell jeers with the attitude of someone long past the point of caring.

Ah, that makes sense. Rose didn’t seem to mind the heat and cold in the desert. Which means what he’s saying is probably true, too.

“Let me get this out of the way. You put us through hell, but we’re enemies, and this is war. I don’t have anything personal against you. But you’re a prisoner now. If you won’t cooperate, we’ll treat you accordingly.”

“Like I said, go ahead. I’m a Chimera. I had a lot of things done to me in the name of experiments. None of that bothers me now.”

Well, that’s a problem… I was hoping to get a little more information about this Chimera stuff, too…

“Come on, stop sulking and listen. You know this country’s short on water, right? What I wanted to ask you was—”

“Oh, shut up! I have no interest in listening to your requests! Do whatever it is you’re going to do! Or are you all talk? Could it be that you can’t bring yourself to torture a kid like me? C’mon, if you’re not all talk, bring it on!”

……

“Well, all right. I can’t do this. I give up.”

“…Are you serious? Ah, okay. I guess you’re just that desperate for water. Are you going to bow and beg for my help? It’s true that I’m skilled enough with water magic to have it in my title. It’d be easy for me to make enough water to save this kingdom. Too bad for you that I have no intention of helping…”

I interrupt Russell’s monologue and lower my head in a bow.

Not to Russell, obviously, but to the special guest standing behind me.

“I apologize, Tiger Man. I couldn’t do it. I give up.”

“Well then…leave the rest to me. In fact, you might say this is time forrr me to enjoy myself.”

At my admission of defeat, our special guest, Tiger Man, steps out of the shadows.

Alice, who had been listening quietly, looks over curiously. “I didn’t know Tiger Man was any good at torture. Can he really break someone this stubborn?”

Tiger Man doesn’t respond to Alice’s question, instead approaching the cell as though to offer a demonstration.

“…Who the hell are you? You humans have beastmen among your ranks? Hey, beastman, can you understand what I’m saying? Ha-ha-ha, say something!”

Russell overcomes a moment of surprise at seeing Tiger Man and quickly regains enough confidence to start blustering again.

Tiger Man doesn’t say a word.

Instead, he stands there gazing intently at Russell’s face…

“Nyeow that’s some fine worrrk, Six. I’ll buy you a drrrrink later.”

“Really? Thanks, Tiger Man. Not only are you creepy, but you’re generous! How cool!”

“You don’t need to call me crrreepy. Little Russell’s going to get upset, so don’t say things like that nyeow.”

Russell casts a suspicious glance as I exchange words with Tiger Man.

Alice appears to have figured out the situation and offers Russell some advice. “Hey, you really screwed up on this one. If you’d listened to Six, all you would’ve had to do is make water all day. Well, I hope you’re happy with Tiger Man.”

“…Huh?”

Russell tilts his head in confusion, as though he doesn’t understand what Alice is saying.

Just then, Tiger Man, in a cheerier mood than usual, purrs out in a low, husky baritone, introducing himself to Russell.

“My name is Tigerrrrr Man. A mutant that loves little childrrrren. So much so that I plan to be modified into a little girl when I retirrre.”

Hearing that, Russell looks utterly bewildered…

“…Huh?”

“No ‘huh’ about it. You and I arrre going to be the best of frrriends from nyeow on, Russell. Nyeot to worry, I’ll be gentle nyeow.”

Tiger Man lets out a ragged breath, gripping the cell’s bars with both hands.

“E-erm… I don’t know what you’re talking about… I hate to burst your bubble, but I’m a boy. Heh. Sorry! Can’t you tell? Is this beast blind?”

Russell doesn’t appear to understand the situation yet.

Tiger Man smiles gently and continues with his nice, low baritone.

“I know you’rrre a boy. In fact, you’rrre just my type!”

Time stops.

“…What? What are you saying?! Hey, what’s he going on about?! He’s talking nonsense!” Russell says in a sudden panic, which just seems to excite Tiger Man further.

“Little Russell has a cute face, so I bet a skirrrrt would look myarrrvelous on him.”

“I don’t understand what you’re talking about!”

I admit I don’t get it, either. Still, I can say this with confidence. “Wow, Tiger Man. Mutants sure are impressive!”

“What the hell are you impressed by?! Y-you’re kidding, right? I’m a guy! You’re just threatening me, right? This can’t be happening!” Russell rambles desperately, as though he’s now aware of the danger he’s in.

“My heart is big; nyeow do you see? I don’t mind little distinctions like ‘boy’ or ‘girrrrrl.’ I can love them both equally.”

“Wow, Tiger Man. I seriously don’t get what it is you’re saying, but you’re creepy cool!”

“F-fine! I admit it, you win! I give up. I’ll go ahead and make water for you!” Russell suddenly admits defeat and offers to cooperate…

“Impressive, Tiger Man. The brat’s willing to cooperate.”

“Don’t be absurrrrd. It’s too late nyeow. No take-backs.”

“Wait! I give up! Please! I give up! S-stop…?!”

Tiger Man, who had been gripping the iron bars, yanks them out with his arms. The ruined remains of the bars land the floor near Russell’s feet.

Russell tries to back away, face locked in a twitching grimace. His voice is an octave higher than usual. “F-fine, I get it! I’ll defect to your side starting now! Combat Chimeras can be really useful!”

“Sorry, we’ve already got one of our own. It’ll be okay, Russell, I’m sure Tiger Man will take good care of you.”

Russell begins to cry, tears rolling down his cheeks and snot dribbling from his nostrils as he vigorously shakes his head from side to side.

“Nooo! NOOOOOOOO! This is wrong! So wrong! Please! Please let me make water for your kingdom! I’ll work hard every day! I promise!”

Alice lets out a dismissive snort at Russell’s pleading.

“Of course you’re going to make water. You rejected Six’s offer. You may belong to a different organization, but you still consider yourself a villain, right? In which case…”

“If you’re gonna resist, resist to the end. If you’re gonna betray your side, do it quick.”

As Alice and I offer our commentary, Tiger Man presses his face up close to Russell…!

“I guess I have no choice. I’ll let you get by with just crrross-dressing. Make sure you work harrrd on your waterrr making… Though for my parrrt, I wouldn’t mind if you slacked off a bit…”

Tiger Man breaks into a predatory grin.