*   *   *

Vanir was sitting in the middle of the room, held in place by a powerful binding spell. Aqua and Wiz were sitting hardly an inch away on either side of him, so close that they were practically touching him, both frowning heavily and staring him in the face.

In front of him was Darkness—the girl who had so long holed up in her own mansion but had recently decided to start coming out again—also frowning, arms folded across her chest as she stood imposingly above him.

Darkness had been saved from having to marry Alderp, and I had gotten all my money back. Personally, I thought it was a matter of all’s well that ends well, but…

“You’re the one who benefited most from all this fuss. Lucky you, getting the chance to buy Kazuma’s merchandise nice and cheap… Word gets around, you know? I heard how you were able to resell the intellectual property you got from Kazuma at a huge profit. I’ll bet you knew a less ridiculously complicated way to solve these problems. How about the truth now, huh?” Throughout her entire diatribe, Aqua held protectively to the egg she had named Emperor Zel.

“Mr. Vanir, how could you have kept all this information a secret from me? You bought up every single one of Mr. Kazuma’s ideas cheaply, then sold them again? Unbelievable…! Oh, what am I going to do? I never imagined all that money in our safe came at Mr. Kazuma’s expense…! I’d love to return it, but it’s already—!” Wiz covered her face, apologizing mournfully.

Vanir seemed to take a certain pity at the sight of his employer apologizing so profusely.

“Now, now, calm down, O yakuza lady and deadbeat shopkeep. Was there another way to solve that problem? Well, technically, yes…there…was…but…? …Wait. What did you say, you deadbeat shopkeep?” Vanir stopped trying to placate Aqua and Wiz. “What happened to the money I put in that safe? That was not an amount that could be used in the blink of an eye.”

Wiz looked up from her hands, and suddenly, her face was shining.

“Oh, that! You should be proud, Mr. Vanir. Guess what? While I was looking after the store, a valued regular brought in a big load of manatite crystals. They were willing to sell them at half the market value, so I bought as many as I could with the money in the safe! This time I really did buy something good! From what I saw, those things have so much magical power that they have to be the purest manatite!”

Manatite is a substance that can restore an amount of magic in proportion to the quality of the crystal. It’s awfully expensive for a consumable item, so naturally, there was zero demand for it in a town full of beginning adventurers like this one.

I could only feel bad for Vanir as he sat there absorbing Wiz’s story.

I decided I’d try asking him a question of my own.

“So, uh, not that I think you necessarily planned all of this. But Aqua said Darkness’s old man was cursed by a demon… And you’re the only demon around here, right?”

Yes, this was the reason we had suspected Vanir to begin with…

“Bwa-ha-ha! Behold, I say, far be it from me to place a curse that might endanger someone’s life! The bestower of that curse was another demon, one famous for being not quite right in the head. He says and does all sorts of strange things.”

“That pretty much sounds like you,” I said.

Aqua and Wiz grabbed Vanir’s shoulders from either side, while Darkness, the daughter of the man cursed in this recent incident, stood implacably before him.

“Hold, knaves! Do you mean to imply that one of my revered station would say or do anything that would cause you to confuse me with a broken demon like that? Very well, let us discuss! I will admit that I, ahem, took the scenic route in resolving these events. And I further acknowledge that I orchestrated these developments in order to feast upon the animosity produced when that lord saw his bride stolen away before his very eyes. But I implore you to listen—in particular, the girl standing squarely before me, who, thanks to recent events, was made blindingly aware of her feelings for this young man and whose at-home dress has consequently become skimpier than ever bef—”

“Waaaaaaahhhhh! I take revenge for my fatherrrr!”

“H-hey, my mask! Don’t you try to destroy my mask! And your father isn’t even dead!”

Darkness had launched herself at Vanir, who was still restrained by Wiz and Aqua, and very nearly succeeded in smashing his mask to pieces.

As I sat there with my proverbial popcorn, I felt Megumin tug on my clothing.

“Kazuma, it seems we’ve now confirmed that Vanir was behind all this, and I’d like to go out and do my explosion for the day. Would you be so kind as to come with me?”

“Yeah, sure. It doesn’t look like this is going to wrap up anytime soon. Maybe they’ll have cooled off by the time we get home.”

I grabbed the minimal equipment I would need and headed off with Megumin.

3

“I haven’t thanked you yet, have I, Kazuma?”

Megumin spoke up from beside me as we walked. We were a little ways out of town, following a path toward a mountain valley that boasted lots of exposed rock.

“Thank me? Thank me for what? …Ah, you mean when I went and apologized to the parents after you made their kid cry? That’s water under the bridge. But next time, don’t bully a little kid just because they made fun of your name, okay?”

“Such a ridiculous thing is not what I’m referring to! And furthermore, I have no fault in that incident. That child was wrong to mock the name of a member of the Crimson Magic Clan!”

While Megumin was still fuming, we reached our “explosion spot.”

We came here virtually every day; it was sort of Megumin’s equivalent of a hole-in-the-wall. Don’t ask what kind of hole, but there were big chunks of rock scattered everywhere. I got the impression this was less about getting off an explosion and more about satisfying her thirst for wanton destruction.

If we had run into any monsters on the way, I had been thinking I would have her blow them away to help gain experience points—but sadly, the path was clear.

“I wanted to thank you for helping Darkness, Kazuma.”

Megumin had spotted an attractive boulder at the foot of the mountain and pattered over to inspect it; she didn’t even spare me a glance as she talked. It looked like we had found today’s target.

“Oh, that. Darkness owes me an awful lot—I couldn’t just let her leave the party like that. And anyway, I’m used to cleaning up your messes by now. No need to thank me at this point.” I shrugged, speaking casually.

Megumin backed away from the rock and chuckled. “Even so. As I believe I told you back at Crimson Magic Village…” She turned away from me, raising her staff in the direction of the boulder. “…Despite all your complaining, when push comes to shove, you are always there for us. I love that about you.”

She said it so easily…

“…Hey, I really need you to stop throwing around that word and any others like it. We’re not talking about the weather. I don’t know how to react. If you say things like love way too easily, you’re gonna cause a misunderstanding. Give it to me straight. Is this a serious confession?” I spoke as calmly as I could, trying not to betray the trembling in my heart.

“I wonder,” Megumin said, her back still to me, and giggled. “I’m sure you would love to know.”

…No really, was she serious? Or was she teasing me again?

Hang on. Think, Kazuma Satou.

For a while now, Megumin had been giving off vibes that she had feelings for me. I didn’t know why she would choose now of all times to fall in love, but if I had to guess, it might have something to do with my helping Darkness.

This might sound immodest, but even I have to admit I was pretty cool. Yeah, this was just like what would happen to the protagonist of a romance novel. I did spend the night after I rescued Darkness in bed with the covers pulled over my head, trembling at the thought that I might be executed for what I had done, but looking back on it now, I guess I actually had been pretty heroic.

…For that matter, I had been living in the same house with these girls for quite a while now. Not only was it not surprising that one of them would finally start to show some flowering of affection for me, it was downright shocking that the place hadn’t turned into my personal harem yet.

Sing it! Sing it, Kazuma Satou! Victory is within your grasp! Be not afraid!

You shan’t be refused or isolated! …You…shouldn’t be, anyway…!

I—I wouldn’t be, would I?

Right! Go! You’ll be fine—just be courageous!

“Well…I’m happy you feel that way, Megumin. I mean, I don’t exactly hate you, eith—”

“EXPLOSION!!”

4

“What’s the matter with you? What are you pouting about?” Megumin asked like the oblivious protagonist of some novel as I carried her along on my back. She had been jabbering about it all the way home.

It’s not like I felt anything for Megumin. What did I care if she totally killed the mood?

Sure, she was nice enough to look at, but she was also a weirdo who would never shut up about explosions. Other people might’ve gotten caught up in the moment—but nope, not me!

“Kazuma, were you saying something in the instant I cast my explosion magic? I couldn’t hear you over the blast, but it seemed like you were trying to say something important.”

“Oh, it was nothing! Believe me—I don’t feel anything for you!”

“Why the tsundere act? You’re sending some very mixed signals. Pull yourself together. When we get back to the mansion, I’ll give you an extra helping of that pudding I bought.”

“…Two extra helpings,” I said as I turned the doorknob of our house.

Then I opened the door.

“I can’t do that. With Aqua and Darkness, there’s only one extra serving, so someone wouldn’t be able to have any—”

Megumin stopped midsentence.

…And I was silent, too.

We entered the house to find…

“Give him baaack! Please! Give back my sweet little Emperor Zel!! Waaaaah, give him back!”

“Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Serves you right, O goddess betrayed; your precious pet is— Bwa-ha— Ahh, dammit! St-stop that! Don’t you follow me, you awful bird; go back to your owner!”

We discovered Aqua, weeping and pounding on Vanir’s back.

…And there on the carpet lay Wiz and Darkness, both out cold. Wiz, in fact, was starting to disappear a little.

Then there was what was almost certainly the source of Aqua’s bawling.

Down by the feet of the relentlessly pounded Vanir…

“Peep!”

…was what was unmistakably a chick.

It was trying to cuddle up to Vanir’s feet.

“Okay. Somebody tell me what’s going on here,” I said, letting Megumin down on the couch. I made Aqua and Vanir sit down so they could explain the situation to me. I didn’t know why Wiz was fading away and Darkness was lying on the floor unconscious, but I assumed it had something to do with these two.

There was no way one of Aqua’s attacks could put Darkness out of commission, and nothing Vanir did would cause Wiz to disappear.

Aqua and Vanir sat down on the floor, and immediately, each pointed a finger at the other.

““S/he did it!”” they chorused, then glared at each other from close range.

Aqua furrowed her brows and ground her teeth, making her anger obvious. Vanir’s actual expression was a mystery from behind his mask, but his mouth was pulled into a tight line.

And a tiny yellow ball was perching on Vanir’s knee.

…It’s total chaos in here. What am I going to do?

The only option was to hear both sides of the story.

“Listen! Listen to me, Kazuma! While we were interrogating Ugly Mask here, he suddenly went berserk and attacked us! He was all, ‘Vanir Something-or-Other!’ I smacked him back with magic, but then it hit Darkness, too, and knocked her out, so I used purification magic! And he used Wiz as a shield, and that’s why she’s disappearing! And just when I was thinking my only choice was to wipe this guy out of existence…!”

I see.

I don’t get it at all.

“Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha, underhanded woman who presents only the evidence most convenient to her! Along with that muscle-headed girl and my traitorous shopkeeper, she assumed that my predominantly innocent self was guilty! Without so much as a lawyer to defend me, this trial was null, void, and unacceptable, and so I used my Vanir Death Ray attack in self-defense. It was this woman who deflected it and caused it to hit her buff friend, whereupon she further decided, altogether outrageously, to attack me with magic, so I grabbed my shopkeeper as a barrier and managed to escape unscathed. And just when I was thinking my only choice was to put an end to this battle that would echo through the ages…!”

““Emperor Zel hatched.””

Ah, I see.

I don’t get it at all.

5

Zeltman Kingsford.

Apple of the eye of the goddess of water, chosen from among the vast panoply of eggs in the world, of lineage strong and true, and…a chick.

“A fine name. A strong name overflowing with intimidation. It’s no surprise he should cleave to my person.”

“Of course he has a good name, and what do you mean, cleave? I can’t quite excuse the fact that he does seem to like you, but this little one was chosen by me—a deity! He’s destined to be the emperor of the dragons.”

As Aqua and Vanir exchanged barbs where they sat on the carpet, the chick sat absolutely motionless.

He looked exactly like chicks I had seen in Japan. He had all the vulnerability of a newborn, yet he didn’t seem the least bit intimidated by the goddess and the demon arguing right above him; instead, he sat proudly on the great demon’s knee, staring at him unwaveringly.

Zeltman Kingsford.

Nicknamed Emperor Zel, on the hope that he would indeed one day become the ruler of dragonkind.

I plucked Emperor Zel off Vanir’s knee.

“So what’s the plan? Fried chicken for dinner tonight?”

“No! Kazuma, this just goes to show what a monster you are! I swear, this masked demon is more human than you sometimes!”

“No need to be so rude, O pitiful cuckold. Do not equate myself, who keeps an eye on neighborhood safety while the children are coming home from school, with this man who, with the departure of our awful governor, now ranks as the most depraved inhabitant of Axel.”

I think I’m gonna cry.

…Anyway, I’d more or less gotten ahold of the situation. Basically, Emperor Zel hatched while Aqua and Vanir were fighting, and he imprinted on Vanir.

I held Emperor Zel cupped in both hands, Megumin eyeing me jealously from the sofa. I guess she wanted to pet him. I passed the emperor to her and went to check on Wiz and Darkness.

“…I wonder why newborn animals are so adorable,” Megumin said, holding Zel carefully in her hands. “Is it in hopes that predators will take pity on them and not eat them?”

Meanwhile, I was heading over to Wiz and Darkness.

…Wiz was looking a little translucent, but there was nothing I could do about that. Instead, I hoisted up Darkness and gave her a few gentle slaps on the cheek, but she didn’t wake up.

“Anyway, you’re a bad influence on Emperor Zel, so scurry on home,” Aqua said to Vanir. “I’m trying to make sure Zel learns only the very best lessons… Look! Look at Megumin’s relaxed expression as she gazes at Emperor Zel. Amazing. Just born, and Zel is already a lady-killer. They say heroes love the fairer sex, so I think this bodes well for his future!”

“Hmph! You don’t have to encourage me to show myself out. Thanks to that deadweight—and now passed-out—shopkeeper, all the money I so diligently hoarded has turned into a bunch of rocks. Well, humans. If you come by some pocket change, I hope you’ll patronize Wiz’s Magical Item Shoppe!” He grabbed Wiz, now about half-vanished, and said, “Excuse me, but could I have some sugar water? At this rate, she’ll be changing classes from a pseudo-Lich to an extinct one. Bring me some nutritional supplements—maybe if we douse her with sugar water or something, she’ll revive, like a rhinoceros beetle.”

I wondered what Wiz’s day-to-day life must be like.

Vanir made for the kitchen as he spoke, but…

“Huh?! Wh-what’s wrong, Emperor Zel?!” Megumin was startled when the chick began flapping around in her hands; she put him gently on the carpet.

What, even Megumin doesn’t feel weird calling him Emperor Zel?

He’s a chick.

So why does he get the most important-sounding name out of all of us?

“Hrm…?”

As we all watched, the yellow fluff ball with the imposing name toddled over to Vanir and cuddled up to his shoe.

Aqua grabbed hold of me. “Waaah! Emperor Zel’s been stolen from me! Kazuma! Dear Kazumaaa! Please slay that masked demon and get me my Emperor Zel back!”

“Why me? You’re in a better position to defeat him than I am. Plus, that’s a chick. Not a dragon. Doesn’t that bother you?”

At that, Aqua went over to where Zel was huddled up by Vanir and held him lovingly to her chest.

“If I were to destroy the masked demon he likes so much, Emperor Zel would hate me. And you may be too blind to see it, Kazuma, but this is an exceedingly rare type of dragon that’s covered in fur, called a Shaggy Dragon. No doubt about it.”

“I understand not wanting to admit that you got had, but give it up already. That thing is obviously and without question just a normal chick.”

As Vanir was getting Wiz some sugar water, he watched Aqua plug her ears and pretend not to hear me.

“Hey,” I said to them, “Darkness doesn’t look like she’s coming around. Is this normal?”

Vanir peered at Darkness, puzzled. “Hmm. Your goddess supposedly healed her wounds. But it’s rather staggering that she took a blast from my Vanir Death Ray and is still breathing. It’s called a death ray for a reason. Normally, people die from it. It is I who would like to ask you how she is still alive. She must have monstrous Magic Defense… But this incident is to the discredit of myself, who swore not to harm any person. When she awakens, ask her for me just how muscle-headed she is.”

“That’s gonna get me slapped,” I said. “Eh, never mind. The only question is what we do with this little guy.” I looked down at the yellow fluff ball, who still refused to leave Vanir’s feet.

I was starting to think it would be just as well to let Vanir take him home.

“Hmm. I cannot blame him for being so attached to me, idol of the local housewives, but there is an unbridgeable species gap between birds and demons. I apologize to Emperor Zel, but he must give up on me.”

“Uh, I think he thinks you’re his father.”

This caused Vanir to grunt thoughtfully. “…No choice, then. Hey, where does Emperor Zel sleep?”

Aqua pointed to the couch without a word.

Hey, don’t let the chick sleep there.

Vanir plucked Emperor Zel up off the floor and plopped down on the sofa. Zel sat still, which he seemed to do only in Vanir’s hands.

Boy, he was really convinced Vanir was his dad.

Vanir leaned over as if giving the chick a hug, and then, with the bird clutched in his hands…

“Skin Shed!”

He intoned the words almost musically and suddenly split himself in two.

Emperor Zel remained in the hands of Vanir’s double, so he couldn’t see the real Vanir. Our ready-for-anything demon held up a hand, while his unmoving husk clasped the chick.

“I believe this is good-bye for today.”

“I keep thinking I’ve gotten used to the creatures in this world, but you really take the cake.”

6

It was the day after our new mascot had joined the household.

“…Hey, Kazuma. Could you stop eating fried eggs in front of Emperor Zel? I can’t help thinking he looks a little scared of you.” Aqua was feeding Zel bread crumbs.

“He’s a dragon, isn’t he? Then he doesn’t have to be scared of me… More to the point, do something with Vanir’s shell already. It’s like having him sitting right there. I’m losing my appetite just looking at it.”

I gestured with my chopsticks at Vanir’s empty shell, which had taken on the role of Zel’s bed, and next to which Aqua was now sitting. The body was empty, but it looked exactly like Vanir and retained a certain amount of his personal charisma; even just sitting there, it was totally creepy.

“What am I supposed to do? Emperor Zel likes it so much… More to the real point, I wonder what’s up with her right now.”

As Zel pecked at her fingers (which looked pretty painful), Aqua glanced over to the corner of the room.

“Looks to me like she’s scared of our little yellow fluff ball.”

Curled up and cowering in the corner was Chomusuke.

I had been worried that the black fluff ball might eat the yellow fluff ball, so this outcome was surprising, to say the least.

“It has to do with magical power,” Megumin said, chewing on some toast and fixing Zel with a stare.

“Magical power?”

“Yes, magical power. I feel an incredible magical energy from Emperor Zel.”

…From the fluff ball?

“During the egg’s incubation, Aqua and I, along with Vanir and Wiz and all the top-class magic-users in town, poured our magical energy into it. It’s well-known that dragon parents warm their eggs with magical energy so that the offspring are born with powerful magic themselves, and it’s fascinating to see that the same thing happens with chickens. We should probably report this to the people raising dragons out on the dragon farm.”

So what was her point? Was this critter really going to become the creature of legend Aqua claimed he was?

“So if we raise him right, he could become our ace in the hole against the Demon King and his—”

“No. No, he couldn’t, because he is a chick,” Megumin said. “He can’t use magic, and therefore he can’t magically fly like a dragon or use magical breath weapons like a dragon.”

……

“You don’t think one day he’ll suddenly manifest some incredible power, or that he’ll be extra tough, or—?”

“Oh, definitely not. Sometimes large amounts of magical energy can slow the aging process and extend one’s life, but he is just a chick, after all. He won’t awaken to any special powers. The best we can hope for is that maybe he’ll scare off wild monsters with his large amount of magic.”

What a waste.

“Oh! That’s it! I can use Drain Touch on him; he’ll be better than manatite.”

“I’m afraid that won’t work, either, because he is just a chick. If you accidentally Drain too much and cut into his vitality instead, you could kill him easily.”

What to do; what to do?

“…I wonder if I would get a big magic boost if I ate him.”

“…Perhaps. He’s so cute that I don’t really want to do it, but if there’s a chance of boosting our magic, it might be worth a try.”

“Don’t look at my sweet baby like that! Get away! Darkness, protect Emperor Zel from these predators!”

Darkness had finished her breakfast and was peacefully sipping some tea; she only regarded us with a slight smile. “…Heh-heh. Watching you guys, I finally feel like I’m truly home. Kazuma, Megumin, don’t bully Aqua too much, please. We can all live in harmony together now. There’s no need to fight. Just be friends.” Her smile grew wider; she looked completely at peace.

“…You sure went from shut-in to cheery in no time,” I said. “Already over the trauma of being dumped by that governor? A virgin divorcée is a new one to me, but hey, you just keep seeing how many weird distinctions you can pile up.”

“He didn’t dump me—he disappeared, and it’s obviously because he ran away when his misdeeds were found out!” Darkness shot back. “And I’m not a divorcée. My family record is still clean.” She grinned.

“…? …Oh! She used her noble status to alter her family registry! Get a load of this hypocrisy, Megumin. She always used to crow about how the Dustiness family didn’t take advantage of their position to do anything wrong, but when she’s cornered, suddenly here we are!”

“Darkness has indeed changed substantially, hasn’t she?” Megumin said. “Her diligence and stiffness have disappeared, and I think her brain has gone soft. No doubt it’s due to your influence, Kazuma.”

Darkness flushed bright red to know that I had seen straight through her little abuse of power.

“Both of you, stop it! Darkness is a very dreamy young lady! She says cute clothes and stuffed animals don’t suit her, but she loves them both, and when everyone’s out of the house, she secretly comes to check on Emperor Zel! She’s a very good girl, okay?! Such a sweet, pure young lady is perfectly free to alter her family registry and— Hey, what are you doing, Darkness? I’m trying to help you!”

Darkness, tears in her eyes, had grabbed Aqua in hopes of shutting her mouth.

At that moment, there was a knock on the front door. We heard it click open.

“I’m letting myself in… Sounds like you’re all having a good time in here.”

Who should appear, smiling at this everyday scene, but Chris.

7

“And that’s the story. I’ve already asked my lowly assistant for help, but if possible, I’d also like all of you to assist me in collecting the Sacred Treasures.”

Chris finished her summary of the story so far and let out a breath. The entire time, she had never once taken her eyes off Vanir’s shell (aka Zel’s bed), which had to be pretty distracting.

Darkness frowned apologetically. “I want to help you, Chris, I really do, but… I’m sorry. With our governor gone to who-knows-where and my father not yet fully recovered, I have to take care of overseeing this town. I’d have to wait until my father is better to help you effectively…”

“No, I understand. That’s important work. I’m happy just to know you’re on my side. Thank you, Darkness.” Chris smiled at her friend, then looked at the other two girls with eyes full of hope.

“If there’s something I can help with, then I will,” Megumin said. “But I’m not sure there’s much I can do. Although, if you find the item has fallen into the hands of some villain, you’re welcome to threaten him with an explosion courtesy of yours truly.”

“Th-thanks, Megumin. I’ll be sure to ask if there’s anything I think you can help with. And, uh, that just leaves…”

Chris looked, still hopeful, at Aqua, who was busy fussing over Emperor Zel. Aqua, however, replied bluntly:

“Sorry, I can’t help you.”

Everyone stared at her. Maybe they hadn’t expected that reaction.

“You have nothing to do but feed that chick and lounge around, don’t you?” I said. “You’ve got the most free time out of any of us. You could at least help a little.”

Aqua held Emperor Zel close to her chest and gave me a condescending smile. It ticked me off, but if I said something and she started crying and carrying on, this discussion would never get anywhere.

Aqua kept stroking Zel gently—maybe she was enjoying the feel of his fluff—as she said with a self-satisfied look, “Listen, Kazuma. I wonder: Do you understand how a parent really feels?”

“…Why are you asking me that? If I understood that, would my buddies in my online game have nicknamed me Makes-His-Mom-Cry Kazuma?”

“True enough. That’s what makes you you, isn’t it, Kazuma? A guy who never goes to school, just plays games. When someone tries to get him to go to school, he throws ugly little tantrums… But you know what? Even the most worthless son is precious in the eyes of his parents.”

Did she think she was talking about me? Ooh, she was gonna get it…

“I happen to know that you people say a child only gets more beloved the worse he is. But I’m going to make my Zel into the strongest, most venerated, and greatest dragon of all! He’s going to learn to be a hero and stand at the zenith of the dragon world… And to that end, your ever-intelligent Aqua has thought of a plan. You know how they say children learn by imitating their parents? I’m going to show Emperor Zel just how strong and worshipped I can be.”

All of a sudden, Aqua was looking very serious.

“And how, exactly, are you going to do that?” I asked.

“At first I thought I might try defeating the Demon King, but I figured with my current power, there’s an ever-so-slight chance I might fail. So I’ll consider that a last resort.”

“…I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about, but didn’t you originally buy that chick in the hopes that he would fight the Demon King for you? I think you’ve got your logic backward.”

“What are you talking about, Kazuma? I could never make my dear, sweet child do such a dangerous thing.”

“You said it!”

I guess her maternal instincts had hatched along with that egg.

“Anyway, showing him my strong side can wait awhile. There’s something more important coming up—a big event.”

…A big event?

Aqua looked at each of us in turn.

“You all know the Eris Appreciation Festival?” she asked suddenly.

The Eris Appreciation Festival.

It was a celebration in praise of the goddess of good fortune, Eris, expressing joy and thanks for the safe completion of another year. It was a tradition observed around this time in every corner of this world.

I glanced at Chris, who was sipping tea beside me, and she looked away in embarrassment.

“So you have the Eris Festival in Axel, too?” Megumin asked. “We celebrated it back in our village as well. It’s said that if you dress up as Eris, the goddess of good fortune, on that day, you’ll be safe all year until the next festival.”

Wow. She even managed to inspire a dress code. Impressed, I glanced at Chris, but she gave me a little shake of her head.

Apparently, it was just superstition.

“My family is involved in the Eris Festival every year,” Darkness said. “The Dustiness family are all very devout Eris followers. We always make a large donation at the beginning of the festival.”

That seemed to embarrass Chris a little.

“So I’ll get to see people doing Lady Eris cosplay around here?” I asked. “Hey, that sounds kind of fun!”

“You think so?” Megumin asked. “I am not the biggest fan of that festival myself. It’s not only women who dress up as Eris.”

“I didn’t need to know that.”

At that moment, Aqua pounded the table with a bang.

“What are you all so excited about?! I didn’t bring this up so we could talk about how great the festival was going to be! You’re completely leaving me— Ow, ow, ow, ow! Emperor Zel, why are you pecking me?! What is it you don’t like about your mother?!”

Aqua’s sudden outburst had startled the chick, who pecked at her fingers.

“What are you getting at?” I asked wearily, and Aqua said:

“If there’s an Eris Festival, it’s only fair that there be an Aqua Festival, too. This year, we’re going to cancel the Eris Festival and have an Aqua Festival instead!”

Chris spat out her tea.

Ignoring the choking thief, Aqua went on with increasing volume. “I mean, don’t you think it’s unfair?! How can they have a festival for Eris without having one for her senior goddess Aqua?! There’s no reason they shouldn’t let me have a festival once in a while! I want to show Emperor Zel my best side!”

What a thing to say right in front of him.

“Plus, everyone thinks Eris is so great, but you know what? Behind that sweet little face she’s got a devil-may-care side to her. And she tends to take things on herself and try her best to do everything alone. I can’t even count how many times I’ve found myself saving that girl’s skin; she’s just not experienced enough yet!”

Chris was still coughing, and now she was red up to her ears.

“Has she really helped you out that much?” I whispered to her.

“…J-just once. But that was only after I had been super-busy taking care of all this work she had foisted off on me so that my own work just kept piling up… So then when I was having trouble, she was like, ‘Sheesh, you’re so helpless! Eris, you would be lost without me!’ All self-satisfied. But she did help me…”

Puh-leez.

As Chris and I sat whispering, Darkness started in with distinct annoyance. “My goodness, Aqua, it’s because you keep bad-mouthing Lady Eris like this that you have such terrible luck. I’m sure all the trouble you keep getting into is divine punishment from Our Lady.”

“You must be kidding! So you think that time the stray dog I was teasing suddenly started chasing me or the time I dropped the ice cream I’d just bought were Eris’s doing?! For such a pretty face, she must be one mean girl!”

I glanced to my side, where Chris was tearfully shaking her head.

“Well, whatever,” Darkness said. “I’m certainly not helping you. Like I said before, I’m very busy as acting governor right now. I don’t expect to be able to spare a lot of time during festival season.”

“Why not?! And after I helped Kazuma rescue you when you were about to be married off and broke the curse on your father, too!”

“Er… Y-you make a fair point, and it pains me to refuse you, but I am a devout Eris follower…”

That caused Chris to let out a small breath of relief.

“Fine, Darkness, you abandoned divorcée!”

“Abandoned divorcée?! Hold it, Aqua, where’d you learn—?!”

“What about you, Megumin?! Come on, Megumin—how about it? You’ll help me, won’t you?!”

“Abandoned divorcée…” The abandoned divorcée looked at the floor as if she might cry; meanwhile, Megumin was timidly petting Emperor Zel.

“I don’t especially mind,” she said. “I’m not an Eris follower in particular, and I do know some Axis disciples. I owe them a very small debt from long ago.”

“?!”

That caught Chris’s full attention. Aqua looked overjoyed.

“That’s my Megumin! And, Kazuma, I know I can count on you.”

“The hell you can.”

“Help me, you dumb NEET! All you ever do is sleep! Please, I’m asking you—I’ll even let you feed Emperor Zel for me! I’ll let you do it just once!”

“Not interested! And why are you acting like feeding that chick is some kind of reward anyway?!”

“U-um, I would like to try feeding him…,” Megumin said.

Apparently, some of us considered it a reward.

“Anyway, canceling the Eris Festival? That’s impossible. The Eris Church would have your head on a platter.”

“Aww… Doing something about that is your job, my friend Kazuma. You always come up with a plan…”

“Piss off,” I said bluntly, and Chris sighed in relief again.

Aqua, however, jumped up and declared, “I’ve had enough of you, you cheapskate! Megumin and Chris and I will figure out something together—you’ll see!”

“Huh?!”

Chris sounded more surprised than anyone had all day.

I was pulling the jabbering Cecily over to one corner of the church.

“Look, don’t let her walk all over you,” I said. “It’ll just go to her head. Say… You’re awfully subservient for someone meeting Aqua for the first time. Don’t tell me… Has the Axis Church caught on to who she really is?”

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about. Lady Aqua is Lady Aqua. That person is the Arch-priest who saved our town. And just an Arch-priest, even though she has the same name as Our Lady. I came to this town as a servant of that Lady Aqua, in order to glorify her even with my eating and sleeping.”

“Maybe you could do us a favor and go back to Arcanletia.”

Still, her reaction shed some light on the situation. It seemed likely that the Axis Church had finally figured out who Aqua really was, and that rather than publicly celebrating her advent, they had decided to just quietly keep an eye on her.

At the very least, it didn’t look like Cecily had any intention of doing Aqua or me any harm.

…Then suddenly, Aqua, who had sidled up to me in the meantime, tugged on my sleeve. She kept glancing at me like she was eager to say something. I guessed this was the part where she wanted me to suggest holding an Aqua Festival because she was too embarrassed to say it herself. What a pain.

“So, uh, you’re Megumin’s acquaintance Cecily, right?”

“Yes, but you don’t have to refer to me so elaborately. You’re welcome to just call me Big Sis Cecily.”

Geez. It suddenly felt like there was a second Aqua in the room.

Beside me, the first Aqua was blinking rapidly as if to say, Quick, hurry up! Sheesh.

“Er… Uh, you know the Eris Appreciation Festival is happening in this town pretty soon, right?”

“Yes! You’re damn right I know! I’m well aware of those despicable Eris followers and their stupid festival that celebrates Eris without even acknowledging Our Lady Aqua!” Cecily took the bait and was off and running. “They do it in the summer. Well, what do you associate with summer? That’s right: the beach, the pool, and the Axis Church. And what do you associate with festivals? The Axis Church, obviously. We love parties and celebrations, and we especially love summer, and they choose this exact season to celebrate Eris and leave us out entirely! They’re practically begging for a fight. Even war! This means war!”

Is this the only kind of person in the Axis Church?

As for Aqua, Cecily’s little speech had caused her eyes to start glimmering.

“So here’s what we’re gonna do,” Cecily went on. “Right this minute, I’m gonna go over to the Eris Church and smash their windows. They’ll get so angry, they’ll chase me back this way; then Megumin will make a dramatic entrance, give one of her cool introductions, and kick all their asses! Your job is to hide among the onlookers and mutter something pompous like ‘Looks like those evil Eris disciples have gotten their divine punishment…’ And as for you, Lady Aqua, you can just stay here, lounging about and drinking wine or something… All right, here we go!”

“Yeah… You’re not going anywhere. Pointing out the negative aspects of that plan would be like shooting fish in a barrel! …And, you two, stop looking so eager!”

Megumin was grinning over her given responsibility, while Aqua was all too happy to do her “job.” I ignored them both; I had to do something about this Axis follower.

“That’s not what I had in mind. I was thinking, you know, some kind of competing Aqua Appreciation Festival.”

4

“Hello, everyone. My name is Cecily, and I’m the head of the Axis Church in Axel Town. I have a request I’d like to make of you all.”

“Please go home.”

We were in Axel’s downtown district. There, every owner of every shop was busy getting ready for the Eris Appreciation Festival.

“What?! After I came here and asked you so nicely?! …Aha, I see you’re trying to take advantage of this situation. I know just what you’ll say! ‘Hoo-hoo-hoo, oh, Miss Beautiful Axis Priestess, if you want us to listen to you, first show us how sincere you are!’ And then you’ll take my generous body, and…! Well, I won’t let you get away with this, you heathens! I’ll show you the power of an Axis disciple!”

“Watch out—this girl is crazy! This is why no one wants anything to do with Axis followers— Stop, hold on! Somebody help!”

Before my very eyes, Cecily was strangling the man who served as the president of the downtown district.

“…Hey, Megumin, you’re her friend, aren’t you? Go stop her.”

“We’re not friends; we are acquaintances. Please do not be confused on that point.”

We’d come here only to get permission for our festival. Why did just having an Axis follower around always lead to a fight?

I’d left Aqua at the church on the assumption that having two problem children along would keep the discussion from going anywhere, but it looked like one wasn’t much better.

Megumin and I looked around the shopping district again. Staff at the various shops were busy preparing the goods they wanted to sell at the festival, as well as making what appeared to be streamers.

The scene really brought back memories of Japanese culture festivals. I had been sent to this world just after my own culture festival concluded. I ended up not going to school on the day of, but if I had known I was going to end up in another world, maybe I would have.

I think my class had decided to do a fried-noodle stand.

I looked back at Cecily, who was still busy upbraiding the president.

…Sure, they were Axis followers, but they just wanted to have a celebration.

Thinking about Japan had made me a little sentimental, and I went over to try to stop Cecily from choking the guy to death.

I had originally just kind of been dragged along here, but seeing all this gave me a very slight change of heart.

“Okay, Cecily, that’s enough of that. It’s not getting us anywhere. Let me talk to him.”

Cecily’s hands relaxed on the man’s windpipe. Through a fit of coughing, the president said, “I don’t care who talks to me or what they say; we won’t— Hmm? Are you perchance Mr. Satou, the exceedingly rich adventurer?”

What was that, a new nickname? I mean, not that it wasn’t appropriate.

Cecily seemed to calm down now that the president looked ready to talk; she straightened her disheveled clothes, clasped her hands as if in prayer, and gave the man a beseeching look.

“We were thinking,” she said, “about the annual Eris Appreciation Festival. We would like it to be changed to an Aqua Appreciation Festival—”

“Go home.”

“…! …!!”

“You’re just going to get in the way! Come over here with me, Sis,” Megumin said, dragging Cecily off before she could attack the president again.

He looked thoroughly intimidated as I whispered to him, “I’m really sorry about the trouble my companion is causing… Although we did come here in connection with what she’s talking about.”

“You mean the Aqua Appreciation Festival that insane Axis girl mentioned? Impossible—what do you suppose the Eris followers would think about a decision like that?”

I could see he wasn’t biting. I continued whispering. “No, no, we won’t ask you to do anything as outrageous as changing the festival—no matter what she says. We just want the two festivals to run in tandem. Call it the Eris and Aqua Appreciation Festival, and we’ll be happy.”

The president didn’t look entirely convinced. “You know I can’t approve such a thing. I can’t see any benefit to it, and I see a lot of potential to cause trouble…”

“I know the Eris Appreciation Festival needs the cooperation of everyone in the merchants’ quarter,” I commented, as if the idea had just occurred to me, “and it makes a fair amount of money each year, doesn’t it?” I spoke as casually as I could.

“Well, I would be lying if I said we didn’t see a certain amount of profit. But over the last several years, increased activity from the Demon King’s army has caused us to come up a little short… What’s your point?”

Ah yes, indeed.

“Eris followers and Axis followers,” I said. “I know they don’t usually get along. But even so, the Axis Church is just showing their veneration… Now, what if they were to work together to make this festival happen? That Axis brigade loves a celebration, and I’m sure they’d come up with something big. And I can’t think the Eris Church would let themselves be outdone.”

“…Tell me more,” the president said, leaning in.

“We pit them against each other. Fan their mutual hostility to make this festival bigger and bigger. And of course, a rising tide lifts all boats.”

The president rubbed his chin thoughtfully, looking serious. But I wasn’t done enumerating the advantages.

“…There’s one more thing. Where does the funding for the festival come from each year?”

“The funding? The Eris Church covers the majority of it, with the nobles and us merchants making up the difference…”

I leaned in like the president was doing and said, “If the Axis Church is so eager to participate, why not get them to contribute, too? The two religious organizations between them could fund the entire cost of the festival.”

“…Yes, let’s do it; let’s absolutely do it! Ah, now I see how someone as young as you got so rich, Mr. Satou. I would love to ask you to be the adviser for this festival. Not for free, of course…”

Ooh, I hadn’t been expecting that.

I wasn’t exactly hurting for money, but I wasn’t going to pass up such a tasty opportunity.

“I would love to, if you’ll have me. I’ll give you my best ideas—now let’s go make some easy money.”

“Ah, what a wonderful proposition you’ve brought me!”

We started laughing so suddenly that people turned to look at us. Somewhere in the background, I heard two voices whispering:

“Should we really be trusting him to handle this?”

“Even your ‘big sister’ is starting to feel a little anxious.”

5

At the café that had quickly become my customary meeting spot with Chris, I reported to the thief everything that had happened.

“—And so that’s what we’re going to do.”

“But whyyyyyy?! Why is that what you’re going to do?! I figured there was no way—how did my senior ever manage to convince the president of the shopping district to go along with this?!” Chris pounded the table, her voice loud enough to be heard all over the café.

“Oh yeah, I had to work pretty hard to persuade him. But in the end, he was happy to do it.”

“You persuaded him?!”

I had my arms crossed and was nodding in appreciation of my own fine work; in contrast, Chris was weeping openly and very upset.

“Why?! I know how much you hate having to put yourself out even the tiniest bit, so why would you get us into something as convoluted as this? The way things are going, I’ll have to forgo my own celebration to help with my senior’s festival. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!”

“L-listen, why should you have to help? We can just say you’re backing out.”

Chris had her head in her hands. “We can try, but… Somehow, when she asks me to do something, I always find myself pressured into it… Like the way I’m always expected to resurrect you these days…”

“Er, and I’m, uh, very grateful for that, by the way… Anyway, just calm down. I swear there’s a good reason for all this.”

I explained to the still-thoroughly-agitated Chris what I had discussed with the president, leaving out the parts about my being an adviser and there being an honorarium.

“You see, all this anxiety over the Demon King’s army has made it hard for people to get excited for anything, even a festival. So I wondered what would happen if we brought in the Axis Church, which seems to love throwing parties. I hoped we could bring everyone just a moment’s relief from their fear, a chance to forget what was upsetting them.”

“I guess I can’t really object when you put it like that, but…when did you start caring so much about the well-being of the townspeople?”

“Goodness, what a thing to say to someone who’s defeated so many powerful enemies and even helped find a Sacred Treasure—I’m full of good deeds.”

“S-sorry! That’s not what I…! Okay, I get it. Maybe I can play along. I don’t think my senior will go for anything all that crazy anyway… Will she?”

“……So, uh, the whole cohosting thing is just an idea for this year. Knowing Aqua, she’ll probably be happy to do it this once, and next year everything can go back to normal.”

“Hey, why aren’t you reassuring me about her craziness?! Is—is this gonna be okay…? And you said the Axis Church is better at parties. My festival isn’t gonna disappear next year, is it…? I—I mean, not that I’m begging to be celebrated, all right?”

I understood that she was concerned about the future of her festival, but Chris was starting to sound almost as annoying as Aqua. Maybe all goddesses were this way.

“Well, let’s table that for now. Have you found out where the Sacred Treasure is?”

“Yeah, I’ve pinpointed the location. The only problem is, it’s a little dangerous. A noble named Undyne has it, but he’s got a reputation for collecting…weird things.”

A noble who collected bizarre artifacts.

Based on my experiences so far, I got the impression the nobility was composed entirely of freaks and weirdos.

“If it’s a noble we’re dealing with, why not ask Darkness for help? She could pressure him to give the item to her family…”

“That would never work. It sounds like Undyne obtained this item illegally, and I’m sure he’d play dumb. Among the nobility, he’s notorious for doing anything he has to in order to get what he wants. Even if Darkness tried to negotiate with him, I’m sure he would claim he didn’t know what she was talking about, and that would be the end of it.”

My impression of nobles just kept getting better and better.

Illegally? So maybe he stole it or maybe threatened someone into giving it to him.

The upside was, that meant a more nefarious means of getting the item back was open to us.

“I think I know what this means, Chief.”

“I think you do, Lowly Assistant.”

It was time to put on the mask again.

6

I had a quick look at Undyne’s mansion, and on the way home, I mulled over how to break in to it.

Aqua had gotten back before me, and when I arrived, I found her making a commotion. She was pounding on the door of the first-floor toilet.

“Come on, Darkness! Please? When Kazuma gets home, I’ll help you yell at him! Please come out of the bathroom already! We can’t afford to let you shut yourself up in there! The toilet on the second floor is backed up—somebody didn’t clean it! Please come out of there! Come on, hurry!”

Apparently, Darkness was holed up inside.

“I’m back. Hey, what’s all this about? What are you going to yell at me for when I get home?”

I saw Megumin slumped on the living room sofa; she must have gotten Aqua to take her out for her daily explosion.

“Listen to me, you dumb NEET! Darkness came home practically crying because you’ve been spreading embarrassing secrets about her everywhere! ‘Miss Lalatina, is it true your abs are ripped?’ they ask! ‘Miss Lalatina, is it true your brand-new husband ran out on you?’ ‘Miss Lalatina, you’re so pretty; I’m sure even as an abandoned divorcée, you’ll find somebody.’ Every adventurer she meets teases her! Come on, Darkness—come on out! I’m sure you of all people will find another husband soon! I promise not to call you Divorce-ness anymore! Just please, please be happy again!”

Was Aqua trying to get Darkness to come out of the bathroom or stay in there? She was so dense; I couldn’t tell.

“Hey, Darkness,” I interrupted, “you’re gonna be in everyone’s way there, so come on out. Anyway, remember that when I broke into the Dustiness mansion and told you I was going to spread your embarrassing secrets around, you’re the one who said to do whatever. But look, I really am sorry, Lalatina.”

There was a slam against the bathroom door. Apparently, Lalatina had given up crying and was now feeling very angry.

She didn’t respond to Aqua’s wheedling and wouldn’t answer anything I said, either.

It really was going to be a problem to have our only bathroom constantly occupied.

“Look, I was wrong there, but so were you. I may have been looking for trouble, but you gave it to me. I apologize, so let’s bury the hatchet… I can pee while standing, so it doesn’t make much difference to me, but if you don’t come out soon, I think Aqua might not make it, so hurry up and be nice again.”

“I told you: Goddesses don’t use the bathroom, so I absolutely will ‘make it’!” Aqua shouted, fidgeting. “It’s just that I’m responsible for cleaning the downstairs toilet! If Darkness doesn’t come out, I won’t be able to do my job! There’s absolutely no other reason for this! So come on out!”

Much as I wanted to enjoy putting the screws to Aqua at that moment, cleaning the upstairs toilet was, as I recalled, my responsibility. I would hate for Aqua to point that out, so instead I made one final appeal to Darkness.

“Listen up, Darkness. We’ve been around each other long enough for you to know me pretty well. If you really insist on not leaving the bathroom, believe me, this will end with you crying and apologizing and begging me to stop.”

The immediate response to my words was a derisive snort from inside the bathroom. Then Darkness finally broke her silence and said, “You’ve known me long enough to know that I can turn even the worst experiences into pleasure. What, are you going to resort to your specialty—saying mean things about me? I’m holding your bathroom hostage. I can just plug my ears and ignore whatever you say, so you’re the one at a disadvantage here. House Dustiness outdoes all other families when it comes to endurance… Let’s go, then—let’s see who can last longer! Today is the day I stay in here until you call me Lady Dustiness and cry for me to forgive you!”

………

At that, I went over to the heavy table in the middle of the living room and dragged it over so it was in front of the bathroom door.

The bathroom was in a hallway right outside the living room. The table was just about as wide as that hallway, so by pulling it over there, I effectively blocked the bathroom door.

I whispered something to Aqua, then walked away.

Aqua watched me go, then turned to the door and announced, “Hey, Darkness. Kazuma said he’s headed to your room, and he’s going to pull everything out of the chests and closet and out from under the bed, and he’s going to enjoy himself as much as he wants. And then he just…walked off.”

There was a huge crash from the bathroom. Next came the smack of the door hitting the table as Darkness tried to get out.

I completely ignored both noises as I headed up the stairs…

I heard the door hit the table several more times, and then Darkness was shouting. “Kazumaaa! Stop it! Stop, you fiend! Cease! Desist! St—! This is a joke, isn’t it? Aqua, Kazuma’s still there, isn’t he? Megumin, is Kazuma still there?!”

Her voice got more and more frantic and weepy.

To make things worse, Megumin, from where she sat on the sofa, listlessly petting Emperor Zel (still sleeping in the arms of Vanir’s empty shell), joined Aqua in saying:

““No, he’s not.””

“Kazuma, I was wrong! I was…! Hey, let me out; I can’t get out of here! Aqua, Megumin, let me out! Kazuma, I was wrong; I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! Please forgive me, Lord Kazuma!”

A little while later.

“…Ergh, my favorite underwear…”

“…Um, what happened to Darkness after that?” Megumin inquired. We were all sitting at the table, discussing what we would do next over dinner.

“If you want to know, ask her. Aqua, what happened after we left? I helped get permission for your festival. Will you be able to handle the rest on your own?”

“Sure. Now that we’ve been approved, everything else should be fine. Just leave it all to me—I have an idea.”

Having wrangled permission from the shopping district president, I was going to leave everything else entirely in Aqua’s hands. I would be lying if I said that didn’t worry me a little, but hey, I wasn’t an Axis disciple, so there was really no further reason for me to be involved.

It was my hope that the Eris and Axis Churches would get competitive and make the celebration bigger and bigger. I would do my part to fan the flames but otherwise leave them to celebrate however they liked.

Fight… Then fight some more…!

“Hey, Kazuma,” Darkness said. “What exactly does permission for this festival entail?”

“Figh— Oh! I mean, the president of the shopping district, you know? He decided to let the Eris and Axis Churches cohost the festival so that it would be bigger than ever.”

“You really got him to agree to that? I can’t imagine how… Wait, yes I can. Knowing you, it was probably something I don’t want to hear about. Argh, why does this have to happen when I’m the acting governor…?” Darkness heaved a sigh and had a bite of pasta. “Mm,” she said, “this pasta is good. In fact, all the food tonight is tasty. It doesn’t quite compare to the chefs at my family’s house, but I wouldn’t turn up my nose at this at a restaurant. Who did the cooking today?”

“I did,” I said. “…Oh, I get it; you ran out on us during the incident with that lord, so you don’t know. I picked up the Cooking skill. I’ve got all that money, and I’m thinking about how to live the good life, see? So I thought, rather than focus on skills that would help with adventuring, why not pick up some things that could enrich my daily life?”

Darkness put her head in her hands. “Wh-why, you… I’ve had a bad feeling about you ever since you took the Flee skill. I wondered where you were headed with all this… The Cooking skill is normally reserved for chefs!”

Yeah, but still.

7

After that, Aqua started going to the Axis Church on a daily basis, leaving our lives largely peaceful.

But one night…

It was well past midnight, so late that dawn would be coming in just a few hours.

Chris and I stood outside our target, the Undyne house.

“Why did you pick so late at night, Lowly Assistant? We could have started the operation a little earlier, couldn’t we?”

“Humans sleep more deeply at this time of night. Right after they fall asleep, the tiniest noise can wake them up. When I was living with my family in Japan, I learned this was the best time to sneak to the kitchen for a snack. I’m using hard-won wisdom from my own life here.”

We were no longer Kazuma Satou and Chris; we had become the Lowly Assistant and Chief of the Silver-Haired Thief Brigade.

I had my mask on again, and I was dressed all in black and carrying a big bag.

Happily, it was cloudy that night. With no light from the moon or stars, everything around us was pitch-black.

“Fine, I won’t bug you about it… Hey, what’s with the big bag? What’s wrapped up in that cloth?”

Chris seemed to have taken an interest in my baggage.

I was carrying soundproof materials for absorbing impacts. It was a type of homemade Bubble Wrap I’d been working on. My first prototype had been used as a stress reliever by a certain crazy someone, but I had gone on to make second and third prototypes.

We were going to be stealing armor, after all. If we tried to just carry it off, it would probably clank, clank, clank enough to wake up the whole house.

Chris listened to my explanation with considerable admiration. “Now I get it… Say, Lowly Assistant, you had Bubble Wrap in Japan, right? It’s supposed to be fun to pop the bubbles… Can I see that for a second…?”

“I’m not letting you pop these; it takes forever to make this thing. Come on—let’s get going.”

Under the cover of night, we made our way toward the mansion.

Honestly, this particular hit wasn’t going to be very difficult. It was nothing compared to infiltrating the royal castle, and although Undyne was a noble, his mansion was nowhere near as large as Darkness’s.

There were no guards patrolling outside, and it wasn’t even clear if there was anyone keeping watch indoors. I was making full use of the fact that Second Sight allowed me to see in the dark as I pressed myself to the wall of the complex.

“You know, Chief, I’ve been wondering. You’re a goddess. Can’t you see in the dark like Aqua?”

“This body is my temporary form on this plane. I haven’t incarnated myself directly like my senior did, so I can’t see through demons and undead, and I can’t detect evil. But on the other hand, I don’t radiate a goddess’s aura, so undead don’t bother me.”

That made sense. Attracting zombies would be the last thing you would want at a time like this.

“Okay then, Chief, give me your hand. I’ll guide you.”

“I don’t need to hold your hand to know where to go, Lowly Assistant. When we broke into the castle, I followed you just fine.”

“That was completely different. There was moonlight and everything, but tonight there isn’t a star in the cloudy sky. One careless moment could cost you your life. Don’t underestimate this job just because it’s easier than getting into the castle. Come on. Give me your—”

“Kazuma Satou, sexually harassing me will result in severe divine punishment, got it? Like, you’ll suddenly feel really sick to your stomach, but when you run to the bathroom, you’ll find out someone else is in there. And then, just when you think you’ve finally made it, you’ll discover there’s no toilet paper.”

“I’m sorry—I got carried away. Please forgive me.”

Unlike Aqua’s weirdly vague divine punishments, Eris had some very unpleasant wrath in store.

Trembling slightly, I followed along the wall until we got to the back entrance of the house.

“Let’s not worry too much tonight. There were no guards, and with our Detect Trap and Lockpick skills, we’ll manage somehow. The real issue is after we get the armor. I’m not sure how much my invention will dampen the sound…”

“Let’s trust your work, Lowly Assistant. And if push comes to shove, we can always force our way out like we did at the castle!”

Chris seemed to be downright enjoying herself as she unlocked the gate. Thinking back on it, I guess that was kind of fun.

And rife with tension, for some reason.

“You know, that mask of yours really is cool, Lowly Assistant. You said you bought it at the magic-item shop in town, right? And I think that weird doll on your couch was wearing something similar. When this job is over, you’ll have to show me where you bought it.”

“Sure, but… You’re not going to get into a fight with the staff, Chief? Aqua and the part-timer at that place really don’t get along. It’s a battle every time they see each other.”

“I’m not going to fight anyone. That senior of mine, she’ll argue with anybody she lays eyes on…”

Come to think of it, Chris had mentioned that this was a temporary body for her—I wondered if Vanir would be able to figure out her true identity. It seemed like Chris couldn’t use her goddess powers in this form, and there was actually a chance he wouldn’t sense anything from her.

…No. If her identity just happened to get out and it turned into a huge battle, that would be a problem. Maybe it was best not to let them meet…

“There, it’s open. Let’s get to work, Lowly Assistant.”

8

Just as we’d guessed, there were no guards in Undyne’s mansion. Maybe it had something to do with the crime rate being relatively low in this town.

I worked my way down the lightless hallway. Chris was using her Sense Treasure skill, and we were heading toward whatever was setting it off, but…

“Chief, you don’t have to stop in front of every single piece of loot. Let’s just find the Sacred Treasure, go home, and get some sleep.”

“Y-yeah, sure, that’s what I want, too. It’s just, every time I see treasure, it stirs the Thief blood in me… When I think of all the poor children I could help with even one item, my hand just…”

Chris seemed drawn to every painting and exquisite item we passed.

“Do your Robin Hood thing on your own time. Anyway, if you have to steal something, there’s probably stuff in the treasure vault that’s a lot more valuable—and smaller.”

“Yeah, I guess so. It looks like you’ve started to learn a thing or two about thieving in spite of yourself, Lowly Assistant… Aren’t you about at the point where you have enough levels to change jobs? Why not re-class from Adventurer to Thief?”

“I have every intention of living a dissolute life of pleasure, so I’m fine as an Adventurer. We’re weak, but we can learn a lot of skills. I’m thinking I’ll get Create Earth Golem next. Then maybe I can make a golem to do my chores.”

“…You sure love to waste your magic and skills. If I may offer a goddess’s perspective, in view of your eventual confrontation with the Demon King, you might want to go for something a little more useful…”

What a thing to say to the guy who’d died more times than anyone else in this world.

We moved on, following Chris’s Sense Treasure, until finally we arrived at a room with a thick door. That was when I got a reaction from a skill I was happy to have but that I didn’t normally have a use for: Detect Trap.

“I guess you can’t blame them for having one trap,” Chris said. “Let’s see… Ooh, an alarm… Say, Lowly Assistant…”

“I’m a lot of things, but I’m not stupid,” I said. “I promise what happened when we broke into the castle won’t happen here… S-seriously, I mean it. Stop looking at me like that…”

While Chris disabled the trap, I used my Sense Foe skill, just to make sure we hadn’t woken anyone up in the meantime.

“……?”

It wasn’t an enemy.

No, not an enemy, but I did feel a strange aura from inside the treasure room. It wasn’t human, but it wasn’t a monster, either.

“There, got it! Lock’s picked, Lowly Assistant!” Chris said, and she put a hand to the door.

“Hey, w-wait just a second, Chief; there’s—”

But before I could tell her about the mysterious aura, the door was open.

“…? What’s wrong, Lowly Assistant?”

“Huh?”

Inside the vault was…no one.

It couldn’t have been my imagination; I could still detect the aura nearby. But the only thing there was a huge pile of weird items…

“Assistant! Lowly Assistant! Look at this! I’ll bet this is worth plenty!”

“Aww, no fair! I had my eye on that!” I forgot all about the aura and became completely enamored with the treasure.

“Just to be clear,” Chris said, “you have to donate the full amount you get from any treasure you steal, okay? We may be stealing from a villain, but we’re not doing it for prof—”

“Hoo, look at this thing sparkle! This looks wicked expensive! Ooh, what’s this weird stone? Aqua loves weird stones; maybe I should bring it back for her.”

“…Ahem. Lowly Assistant? Are you listening? That’s off-limits, okay? For real. You hear me?”

That was when I noticed: For all the gold in this room, the crucial suit of armor was missing.

“Chief, I don’t see that Sacred Treasure or whatever.”

“What?! Dang, you’re right. So why does this place give off a divine-level-treasure aura?”

Still a little bugged about the aura I’d felt earlier, I looked in the direction it was coming from. There was a wall there and nothing especially out of the ordinary or…

“Wha—?!”

As I ran my fingers along the wall, part of it suddenly recessed and then spun around, like a rotating wall at a ninja hideout.

“A hidden door? Way to go, Lowly Assistant.”

“I may not look like much, but I’m confident I have the next best luck to you, Chief.”

Just a little banter as we entered the room beyond the wall.

Smack in the middle of the room stood a suit of armor, bound hand and foot with chains as if to hold it in place.

Made entirely of silver, it looked like a work of art. There wasn’t a single seam on the whole smooth surface of the suit. I wasn’t exactly an expert appraiser of armor, but somehow as I looked at it, my heart started to pound, and I was overcome with the confidence that if I could just wear this suit of armor, no one could beat me.

“It’s…,” I breathed.

“Uh-huh. Aigis, the holy armor… It’s the toughest armor in this world, granting victory to anyone who wears it.”

We approached the chained-up armor for a closer look.

“Hey, it’s got some scratches on it,” I said.

Chris placed a reverent hand on the armor. “…Yeah, so it does. I guess because it spent all that time protecting its master from the Demon King’s army. The owner of this armor never lost a fight, no matter how brutal, to the bitter end.” She seemed to be inspecting each of the little marks and scratches. “To the day your owner died of illness, you did your job…”

She accompanied her murmur with a gentle touch of the armor.

Wow, this is the sort of thing that makes her seem really goddess-like…

I was admiring Chris’s face in profile when it happened.

<Hey, kiddo, hands off the merchandise!>

A man’s voice reverberated in my mind, shattering the solemn atmosphere.

It looked like Chris could hear it, too.

“Huh? K-kiddo? Are you talking about me?! Okay, wait—hang on a second! Was that…you talking just now?! You, the sacred armor Aigis?!”

<Huh, so you’re not a boy. In that case, go ahead and touch me a little more. Let me start over from the top. A pleasure to meet you both. My name is Sacred Armor Aigis. I’m a sort of hybrid Sacred Treasure that can both speak and sing. You’re welcome to call me Mr. Aigis.>

Hey, since when did Sacred Treasures speak so fluently?

Was this what I had felt with my Sense Foe skill?

“Oh, uh…I’m just a little surprised,” Chris said. “None of my information said you could talk. So, uh, Aigis.”

<I believe I said Mr. Aigis, punk.>

“I’m not a punk! Why’s a Sacred Treasure like you got such a bad attitude anyway?”

“Chief, let me remind you we’ve broken in here in the middle of the night, and now is not the time to be arguing with an inanimate object! Remember what we’re here for!”

The argument with the armor had advanced so far that Chris was pounding it on the chest (gently), but I pulled the load off my back to remind her of our original objective.

Chris’s face turned serious, and she set her hand on the chest plate of the armor.

“…That’s right. Okay, er…Mr.…Aigis. We broke in here because your power is needed once again. I’ll find you a new owner. They’ll be an outworlder, just like your last master. Someone who’ll come here from a land called Japan to save this world!”

Then she smiled as if to encourage the armor…

<Huh? What’re you going on about? Why should I have to do that at this stage in the game? Count me out, yeah? ’Cause if you want my power, that means you want me to make like a suit of armor and protect my owner, right? Dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, ya dig? I may be armor, but it hurts to get hit, and it scratches my awesome gleaming body! What kind of owner are we talking about anyway? Is it someone, like, worthy of me?>

Chris’s smile froze on her face. “…I, uh, can’t tell you for sure, but probably it’s someone full of righteousness and courage and kindness—”

<Not what I meant! I don’t give a crap about what’s inside! It’s looks that matter! Are we talking big boobs? Hourglass figure? Just so you know, underage kids get a big N-O from me. Y’know, maybe I’m more into the cute girls than the really hot ones. My last owner was a fighter, and I think I’d like to do that again. Minimal clothes on under the armor, please.>

……

“Hey, do we really need such lowbrow armor? Let’s just leave him at the bottom of the sea.”

“It’s not that I don’t sympathize, Lowly Assistant, but this is a Sacred Treasure here. In fact, I definitely do sympathize, but just grin and bear it.”

Apparently, we were destined to take this ridiculous suit of armor home.

Without another word, I started pulling the Bubble Wrap out of my bag…

<Hmm? Hey now, what’s the dark-haired kid up to? …Y’know, do you think you could tell me exactly who you guys are? Come to think of it, didn’t you say something about breaking in here in the middle of the night?>

Aigis seemed to be talking in my direction.

“You got it. We’re burglars, and we’re here to bust you out of this room and give you to a proper master. You’re sacred armor, a Sacred Treasure, right? Then do your damn job.”

Chris watched me pulling out the Bubble Wrap from the corner of her eye as she worked on Aigis’s chains.

“Not too many girls get sent here from Japan, so I’m not certain we’re going to be able to accommodate everything you’re asking for,” she said. “But if any young women do come through, we’ll be sure to prioritize you…”

It was at that moment that Aigis exclaimed, in a voice loud enough to be heard around the entire house:

<I’m bein’ kidnapped!!>

I thought about pointing out that you don’t kidnap a suit of armor, but I gave it up.

So why was I able to make yakisoba sauce? Well…

“A food stall staffed by someone with the Cooking skill! This is one serious festival! Will the Axis Church be participating again next year, by any chance?”

“Isn’t the chef Kazuma Satou? He’s a pretty well-known adventurer. Guess he can cook, too.”

That’s right; I owed it to the skill I had picked up earlier.

I had taken the Cooking skill in hopes of raising my overall standard of daily living, but I had never expected it to come in handy at a time like this.

It wasn’t a skill that most of the Japanese imports here took.

Or rather, it was one they couldn’t take.

Because a bunch of OP cheaters would never deliberately stay as Adventurers, the weakest class.

The Eris Church seemed to value tradition in their festival, so I decided to go up against it with something more contemporary. The novelty, or maybe just the sheer unusualness of it, seemed remarkably well received, not to mention the fact that Cecily was casually wrapping the orders in application forms for the Axis Church.

Aqua’s eyes sparkled as she took it all in.

“You hear that, Kazuma? They’re praising Axis followers! This is all so fresh and new to me!”

“Who wants gelatinous slime on the side? Sweet, jiggly gelatinous slime!”

“Stoppit—that stuff’s illegal! No weird toppings! Fa-ha-ha, how about that, Aqua? A human doing a little honest work is making all the money! No rip-offs needed—honesty is the best policy! …Heck, with how popular this place is, maybe I should open a real restaurant! I know I already have so much money I never need to work again, but I just can’t stop smiling!”

“Say, Lowly Assistant… It sort of seems like people are shifting away from the Eris booths and coming over here. I’m starting to question what I’m doing here…”

That night…

All of the Axis stalls got written up, with one exception: a modest yakisoba shop.

8

“—All right, so here are the sales for today.”

““““Whaaaaaa—?!””””

The staff of the downtown council had gathered in the council chamber. When the sales for the first day of the festival were reported, all of us, including me, let out a shout.

“That’s nearly twice an average year—this festival is a huge success!”

“Our dear adviser was exactly right—getting the Axis and Eris Churches to go at it paid off big-time! Not that the Axis Church seems to have made a lot of money, but they sure provoked the Eris Church to take it up a notch.”

“Gosh, it might have been nice if the Axis followers had worked a little harder, but this is still a strong result. There is one bright spot on the Axis side, though—this place calling itself Yakisobaya did really well. I hear it only just started this evening, but it’s going to open earlier tomorrow. That means we can expect even better sales from it.”

There might have been a lot of fighting in the run-up to the festival, but with results like this, everyone was all smiles as they looked at me. Apparently, because the merchants were handling this festival in lieu of the governor, a portion of any taxes raised during the festival would be paid out to them as a reward. And of course I, as adviser, was entitled to my share.

Frankly, to those of us on the committee, it didn’t matter which of the churches “won” the festival, as long as we made money.

“About the fried-noodle place,” I said. “Honestly, most of the Axis places were kind of worthless, so I re-created a dish from my country and sold that. You can count on me, as your adviser, for tomorrow, too. As a matter of fact, I have a special plan.”

““““Oh-ho!””””

The collective gaze turned to one of admiration.

“That’s our Mr. Satou. I’ve heard you were connected to the recent success of Wiz’s Magical Item Shoppe, and now I’m sure the rumor was true!”

“Ah, I can only tip my cap to such great success in such a short time!”

“I hope we can expect more of the same tomorrow!”

Heh, all this praise is kind of embarrassing me. I just wanted to re-create a Japanese-style festival.

“Well, just you watch. As your adviser, tomorrow, I’m going to get really serious.”

““““Ooooh!””””

And so the first day of the festival came to an end.

9

“…Hey, Kazuma. Are you perchance thinking of going to help the Axis Church?”

It was day two of the Eris and Aqua Appreciation Festival. It was still dark out, but people were already starting to gather in the downtown area.

As I prepared to leave the mansion, Darkness spoke to me in a leaden tone, with noticeable bags under her eyes.

“Yeah, that’s the plan… What’s with you? You look awful.”

Darkness twisted around sleepily on the sofa. “I’m not surprised. I never dreamed being the governor would be so much work… This is suffering unlike anything I experienced before the festival. Did you know some moron released young Giant Toads into the lake that the Kowloon Hydra used to live in? I don’t know what they were thinking… And then there were complaints of swindling at some freak show, and a haunted house where Axis followers dressed up as zombies and molested visitors…”

Crap. I recognized some of those problems.

“Then there were the reports of Axis disciples pushing over the shop stalls of Eris followers, demanding money from them to operate, a request for male staffers in swimsuits, and one place tricking kids into buying colored lizards…!”

I decided to make Darkness a cup of tea.

She took the cup and sipped at it listlessly, then let out a weak sigh.

“Thanks… I feel like I’ve aged a lot in the last few days…”

“That’s rough… But just think: This is exactly how I feel every time I have to deal with the problems you guys cause. I mean, granted, I have a sneaking suspicion I was somehow involved with most of the trouble you had yesterday, but I think you’ll find today is a lot easier. Hang in there a little longer.”

Darkness must really have been feeling beat down, because her eyes started to brim at my show of comfort.

“Th-thank you so much…! At least you understand me…! On reflection, I see now how much trouble I’ve always caused you… Wait a second, what was that last thing you—?”

But I didn’t have time to listen to the rest of whatever Darkness was saying; I had an Axis Church to energize.

When I arrived at the Axis Church area, I found a huge crowd but for totally different reasons than yesterday.

“Welcome, one and all! Get your yakisoba right here—festival food from a faraway land!”

“Wild octopus, caught in the forest and grilled for you! Thick-chopped and crunchy!”

“Shaved ice here! Delicious shaved ice!! We have strawberry, lemon, pineapple, red bean, and gelatinous-slime flavors!”

Okay, so there were some subtle differences, but what I saw before me looked almost exactly like a festival in Japan.

Aqua was quick to find me and rushed over clutching an ice bucket. “Oh, Kazuma, you’re late! Just look at this crowd! The ice you made in the afternoon is all gone! I’ll produce some water, so hurry up and freeze it!”

The various stalls looked just like what you would find in Japan—all right, maybe not just like them, but if they were a little weird in some ways, they were also definitely popular.

Excellent! I smell big sales today.

And that meant more money for me, the adviser.

“Looks like you’re in high spirits today. If you acted like this all the time, you’d have way more followers. Isn’t it nice to make people happy?” I grinned at Aqua as I used Freeze to produce ice.

Aqua, for her part, was smiling in a way I rarely saw from her. “Yes, and it’s all thanks to you, Kazuma. Look how my dear Axis followers are smiling.” She spoke with an earnestness I hadn’t expected. “Kazuma, Kazuma! I’m so glad we were able to have this festival. Thank you for helping the Axis Church.”

Then she gave me an innocent smile.

…Man. Did she go crazy from the excitement or something?

I thought about the cicada hunt, how she had learned that getting carried away only led to tears. There was something weird about Aqua recently.

Was it Emperor Zel?

Had having a child forced her to grow up?

Doubtful. She liked to go around calling that thing her kid, but all she had done was incubate an egg.

Still, as someone who stood to benefit financially from the success of this festival, I felt kind of conflicted to receive such sincere gratitude.

Changing the subject, I said, “S-say, you guys must be making out like bandits from all this popularity, huh? This would be a great opportunity to use the profits to build a cozy little Axis Church building, don’t you think?”

“Honestly, we’re not making all that much money. Remember what you said yesterday, Kazuma. ‘A human doing a little honest work is making all the money! No rip-offs needed—honesty is the best policy!’ We decided to take that to heart, and our business model today is to sell a lot of stuff at small profits. And the festival committee asked us to contribute some money this year, since we’re participating and all—so when all’s said and done, we’re actually still in the red.”

Honest to God, what has happened to this woman? When did she get so intelligent?

So it turned out the Axis Church still wasn’t making a profit.

It was then that I remembered it had been my idea to have both churches contribute money to the festival.

“…Er, yeah. But y’know. Keep selling, and you’ll be in the black in no time! I mean, look how popular you are! Actually, I’m surprised a church as poor as yours was able to come up with the money to participate in this festival in the first place!”

“I paid for that out of pocket. Don’t you remember the bounty we got for beating the hydra? Between that and what was in my piggy bank, I made it work somehow. I wanted to build Emperor Zel a gorgeous dragonhouse, but I guess that can wait.”

“……Oh—oh really?”

“What’s wrong? If you’re not feeling well, I can cast Heal on you. You’ve been working so hard lately, Kazuma, my friend. Here, just hold still. I’ll whip up an especially powerful one just for you.”

Then she smiled and Healed me with all her strength.

I was back in the council chamber, the second day of the festival safely concluded.

Talking to Aqua had opened my eyes.

She just genuinely wanted to enjoy the celebration. Compared with that, what did I want? To put salesgirls in swimsuits to indulge my own lust, to pit two churches against each other to make myself a little cash?

…I made up my mind.

I would tell Aqua everything that had gone on and apologize to everyone, quit my job as adviser, and enjoy the festival myself, starting tomorrow.

Yeah, tomorrow was the third day of the festival, when the fireworks display was planned. I would check it out with Megumin, lend an ear to the gripes of the long-suffering Darkness, and have a drink of wine with Aqua.

That was what was going through my mind as I opened the door, ready to announce my resignation…

“Ah, we’ve been waiting for you, esteemed adviser!”

“Take the seat of honor, sir!”

I entered the room and froze. The grinning committee members urged me to sit at the head of the table, but that wasn’t what got my attention. My gaze was fixed on the other people in the room.

“Good evening, honored regular! The council members have just been telling us how hard you’ve been working.”

“Thank you for your patronage, honored customer! We heard it was you who got the okay for people to dress up as succubi during this festival!”

Yep: It was two of the succubi who ran my favorite shop.

The president came up behind me where I stood frozen and gave me an encouraging squeeze of the shoulder as he sat me in a chair.

What was going on here? What was this? This was dangerous. It was very dangerous.

Specifically, what was dangerous was that the succubi weren’t dressed the way they normally were.

This had to be their real appearances: one older succubus and one loli succubus, both dressed in sexy black bodysuits and wearing alluring smiles.

I still couldn’t tear my eyes away from them as the president whispered to me. “I see you’ve met them before. These people run a small café here in town. As merchants in the downtown district, they supplied some of the salesgirls in swimsuits for the festival, and it seems they want to thank our adviser personally for getting them permission to dress that way…”

Uh… That would actually be kind of a problem.

After all, I’d just come in to say I was quitting as adviser.

I’d seen how hard Aqua was working. I had to be decisive.

If I entertained this meeting, I would just get carried away again. Be strong, Kazuma Satou! Are you so easily swayed?!

Even when you’re being thanked by sexy succubi?

“A festival calls for a drink, so let the two of us serve you. Heh-heh! You won’t be going home tonight. You’re one of our best customers, and we want to take good care of you!”

I grabbed a cup sitting nearby and let the older succubus, who had worked her way over to me, pour me a drink.

Then the president raised his glass.

“To the health of our honored adviser and to our continued sales! Let’s have a toast from our adviser as well!”

I stood up, sandwiched between the two succubi, and proclaimed, “May we all have great happiness and even greater profits! Cheers!”

““““Cheers!””””

“Wha—? Huh?! I-i-i-it’s nothing; I’m just excited about the festival! Say, Yunyun, why would you stay home when you could come to the festival and have a chance of running into a friend? I mean, as a high-level hikikomori myself, I understand the feeling. You don’t go out to festivals or crowded places. Yeah, sounds like common sense when I put it that way.”

Megumin’s little ambush had put me into something of a panic, and Yunyun looked at me strangely.

“I’m not a hikikomori like you, Mr. Kazuma. I was afraid that if I went to the festival by myself and ran into all my classmates having fun there without me, they might pity me. I wouldn’t be able to stand it if they were to say, Oh, we’re so sorry for not inviting you or whatever else…”

“I get it—stop already! I was wrong. Just don’t say any more! We’ll keep you company today!”

Argh, dammit, what is it with me these days? I feel like Megumin permanently has the initiative.

And what’s all this about going home together? She can’t just mean going home, can she? She must have some “special event” in mind after that, right?

Is it okay for me to get my hopes up a little bit here?

Man, girls are no fair.

I mean, look how crazy she’s made me just by whispering in my ear a little!

2

I’d had my way with the shooting gallery using my Deadeye skill and taken advantage of my immense Luck to bankrupt the lottery stall.

“…I think you should learn what it means to have mercy, Kazuma,” Megumin said.

“She’s right,” Yunyun added. “The woman at the shooting gallery and the man at the lottery stall were both crying. They said they would have to close for the day.”

I had been walking around and checking out the various shops with the two Crimson Magic Clan girls.

“Listen up, you two,” I said. “Festivals are a battle against the shopkeepers. Back in my country, the people running the booths would show off some expensive item that you could ‘win’ if you were lucky enough, but they could sell every ticket and there still wouldn’t be a winner. Or you’d win something and go home all excited, only to find out you’d won a clever fake.”

“Sometime I want to sit down and properly hear about this country you’re from, Kazuma,” Megumin said. “…But I have to say, this year’s festival does seem more fun than usual. Were you the one who suggested the costume parade? Everyone was really enjoying themselves, walking around in whatever costume they liked. I even saw some crazy people dressed up like succubi and incubi. I wouldn’t be surprised to discover there were even some real ones wandering around.”

I had to be careful; Megumin was proving sharper than I had anticipated. I looked around the festival.

Axel Town looked totally different from normal.

There was Vanir, selling masks at the world’s creepiest mask shop. In among the succubi happily buying up his stock was Megumin; even she seemed to want a mask.

There was Yunyun, who had somehow gotten roped into helping Vanir.

It wasn’t just demons enjoying the celebration: Animal people, short-eared elves, and dwarves—races you didn’t see too much of around here—could all be found wandering about.

Bonfire light gave everything a fantastical look. I had never felt so much like I was in another world as I did today, I thought.

“This really is another world…”

Before I knew it, I found myself whispering the thought aloud.

“……”

Standing next to me, Megumin was watching me closely with a hint of concern, looking as if she wanted to say something.

“What? You look like you’re trying to hold in an explosion.”

“…Oh, it’s nothing…”

Megumin, who would normally speak her mind regardless of whether she was talking to a king, a queen, or a general of the Demon King, was strangely reticent.

Maybe I should tell her sometime that I wasn’t from this world.

Not that anything would come of it or that anything would change. She might just think I was crazy, like how Aqua could never get Megumin to believe her when she said she was a goddess.

Maybe it was because my life was newly stable, but there were times recently when I actually didn’t think it was such a bad thing to have come to this world.

Maybe I really would tell her and the others about “my country” someday—

At that moment, though, a rumble I could feel in my bones came from the direction of Axel’s reservoir.

The fireworks display had begun.

Flowers of every color burst in the sky above, accompanied by the oohs and ahs of the crowd.

Megumin looked up at the sky. In what might have been an effort to shake the solemn atmosphere between us, she squeezed my hand gently…

“Kazuma, let’s hurry over! If we don’t get to the battle, we’ll be too late!”

Her tender words perfectly suited the mood of…

“…Wait, battle? Hey, stop—don’t pull! We can see the fireworks just fine from here!”

“What are you talking about? We’re adventurers, aren’t we? If we do not aid the defense now, who will protect the festival?!”

What was she talking about?

I was about to ask her when I saw the other adventurers in the area and stopped.

Everyone who looked remotely like a magic-user was dashing over. Even Yunyun, who had been there just a moment ago.

I chased after Megumin, shouting, “Hey, tell me what’s going on! Seriously, what is this? Isn’t this a fireworks display?! Where is everyone going?!”

“It’s the bugs!” It wasn’t Megumin but Yunyun who answered, running ahead of us.

“The bugs?! What about them? We build a bunch of bonfires during the festival, and they attract some insects—so what?!”

Megumin replied, “This happens every year. That’s why they post that quest for the extermination of the insects. At night, the bugs from the nearby forest and plains are lured to the town by the firelight. They circle around overhead, looking for any chance to attack. That’s what the fireworks display is for. We let off blasts and explosions right in the middle of them.”

Um… Come again?

“Mr. Kazuma, I don’t know what fireworks were for where you come from… But in our country, fireworks displays are a signal to go to war against encroaching insects!”

This stupid, stupid world!

3

I can’t believe this.

After all that “let’s be together” and whispering sweetly in my ear, Megumin was the first one in the moment the fireworks started.

Then, if you can believe it, the police stopped her from trying to set off a huge explosion right in the middle of town.

…And that meant she was dragged off to the station.

I knew she wasn’t the most romantic person in the world, but you could take spoiling the mood too far.

The summer festival, the vibe in the air, had really gotten my hopes up. I wanted my poor feelings back.

After aiding in the defense against the bugs, I went back home—alone—and slunk off to my room.

But I couldn’t just mope forever.

While I had been running around the battlefield like a chicken with its head cut off (we were at a festival—why would I bring my bow and arrows?), Chris found me, and we made a snap decision.

I dressed all in black and donned the weird mask.

I put the magic item I had bought just for this purpose in my backpack, and then everything was ready.

That’s right: We were going to get our revenge on that nasty suit of armor.

Tonight, I was bringing a magical item that would help us against the shouting suit.

It was so late at night that it was practically the next day. Aqua still wasn’t home—maybe she was out having fun at the festival—and I expected Darkness would soon be asleep.

My route to the meeting point with Chris went not through the front door but out the window of my own room. It would be trouble if anyone in the mansion happened to spot me sneaking around in black pajamas and a mask. Darkness would recognize me, and if she or especially Aqua found me, they would know immediately what I was going to do.

All right. Go time.

I lowered a rope out my window and was about to climb down it when…

“Kazuma. Your light is on; are you still up?”

I quickly pulled the rope back inside and shut the window.

“Y-y-yeah, I’m up, but I’m just about to go to sleep!” I said, stashing the rope as quickly as I could and making sure the door was locked. If she saw me in this getup, she would certainly ask where I was going.

“Okay… Um, I know it’s late, but do you have a moment?”

Frankly, no, I didn’t, but Darkness somehow sounded different from usual.

“…Yeah, fine. Just give me a second; I’m not presentable.”

“Hrk?! S-sure, okay. Sorry I caught you at a bad time.” Why did she sound a little panicked? I hurried to change my clothes. Then I stuffed the mask and my backpack into the closet.

“Pant… Pant… S-sorry to keep you waiting…”

“Sure, it’s no— Hey, weren’t you getting your clothes on? I won’t ask what you were doing in there, but you could at least stop breathing hard!!” Darkness couldn’t quite bring herself to look at me as I stood there panting.

Oops, I was in just my underpants.

…Hey, wait a second.

“Hold on—I wasn’t doing anything, like, weird in here! Don’t get the wrong idea!”

“F-fine, sure! Believe me, I won’t, so just put on some clothes! And for the record, if you’re going to do that, at least wash your hands!”

That’s exactly the wrong idea I was talking about!

I wanted to clear up the misunderstanding, but I didn’t have the time.

“…Ah, forget it. What do you want? You know, if you hang around outside my room dressed like that, Aqua’s going to start spreading nasty rumors about you.”

Darkness was wearing a thin negligee that left me unsure what to do with my eyes. If I hadn’t been about to try to sneak out of the house to go pilfer a Sacred Treasure, I would have looked her up and down to my heart’s content.

Of course, I did it anyway.

“S-so, um…are you just going to let me stand out here, or can I come in?”

There was something in my closet I definitely didn’t want her to see, so I would have been happier to leave her in the hallway. But I could hardly say that, so instead I just sat down on my bed.

“What’s up all of a sudden? Is it something that couldn’t wait until morning?”

“Wh-what?! Well, uh, I guess maybe it could, technically, but… Well… You know, both of us have just been so busy recently, we don’t even see each other much here at home, right?”

Darkness’s half-baked attempt at an answer was accompanied by a nervous glance around my room as she settled uneasily on my bed. Her fingers worked restlessly for a moment before she seemed to find her nerve and looked up at me.

“Kazuma, I… I’ve apologized to you, but I haven’t properly thanked you, so…I just wanted to take a moment when we were alone to say how grateful I am…” Her voice was quiet but firm, and she looked straight at me with a very serious expression.

Ah. Could she mean…?

“Is this about when I saved you from that lecherous lord? That was just something I decided to do on my own, and you don’t need to thank me for it. I mean, you apparently took on our debts without mentioning it to anyone, but I never thanked you for that, right?”

I tried to sound lighthearted, but Darkness didn’t look convinced.

While we were chatting, Chris was waiting for me.

What an annoying girl! I didn’t need her to thank me.

I was fidgeting, almost hardly paying attention, when Darkness gave me a smile that made my heart ache, as if she might burst into tears at any moment. “You… You’ve shown me fun things and new things, things that were sad and things that made me angry—a wealth of emotions and experiences I never expected to have as a daughter of the nobility. If I’d never met you, I would never have traveled around with this party, never have gone on such amazing adventures. The year since we met has been the most fun and the happiest time of my life.” She was practically whispering.

As I sat there completely lost for what to say, Darkness took my hand in both of hers. “So please, let me thank you. Not just for saving me from Alderp’s clutches. Thank you for staying friends with a girl who everyone else starts avoiding as soon as they find out who she really is. I love living here with you and the others. It’s like… Yes, I don’t even know my dearly departed mother’s face, but I think if she had lived, I would have known this feeling s-sooner…”

She was starting to stutter, as if she was feeling shy.

“That’s why I want to thank you now. For always being with me. For rescuing me when I had even given up on myself. Thank you from the bottom of my heart…”

Darkness suddenly switched to the more elaborate tone of a noble, but she was still holding my hand, and now she squeezed it gently.

I thought my heart might burst from sheer nerves.

What was going on here? Why had this “love event” come on so suddenly?

Hadn’t I been going down the Megumin route? I thought we had been feeling pretty cozy, that I was more or less settled on that branch, and then suddenly here comes the “noblewoman path.”

Even I thought I was hardly making sense at this point.

What the heck; why is this happening?!

No, wait! Calm down—take it easy, Kazuma Satou. She’s just thanking you. You’re not a virgin; what are you getting all nervous for?

Hold on—I am a virgin!

More to the point, I can’t get carried away here, not if you think about it sensibly; I mean, Megumin and I were enjoying the fireworks just earlier and feeling pretty good about ourselves, and now I’m getting in good with Darkness on the very same day, and if someone were to say, You’re something else, Kazuma, I wouldn’t be able to deny it because no wait that’s not the point!

What am I even thinking I’m so confused I just wait wait wait this is no time to panic; this is Darkness we’re dealing with, Darkness who always says the weirdest things, Darkness who gets ticked off at the drop of a hat, Darkness with whom I very nearly crossed that last and final line…

“So I… Tonight, see, I… Uh… I wanted to thank you…”

Darkness, who was blushing, Darkness whose face was drawing closer to mine, Darkness who was licking her lips because maybe they were dry, yes, that’s the Darkness we were talking about, Kazuma Satou, and now you’ve come this far, so show that you’re a man!

I just needed to be cool and take the lead, really go for it:

“D-d-don’t m-mention it; Megumin thanked me once when we were alone together for helping you, too, and you know it’s all good; I mean, we’re buddies, right?!”

Okay, that wasn’t quite as cool as I’d hoped, but I’d give myself eighty out of one hundred there. Let’s just keep really going for it.

“…Geez, you bring up Megumin at a time like this? Some guys really know how to kill a moment.”

Okay, not going. Darkness stood up, a mixture of annoyance and disappointment on her face.

“But speaking of her, we got word from the police. They said she would be released late tonight. I guess it was cruel of me to try to be in your room right when they were letting her out…”

As she spoke, Darkness leaned over toward me.

Her lips brushed my cheek ever so gently.

Then she stood up again, biting her lip. “That was the kiss on the cheek I promised you for beating the Kowloon Hydra,” she said. “I’ll have to thank you for saving me from Alderp some other time…!”

As I watched her go, I started shouting. “The hellllll, Darkness?! Wait! You can’t get me this fired up and then leave me with a stupid kiss on the cheek! You, Megumin, everyone around here just likes to get a guy’s hopes up! I want a do-over! A do-over, do you hear me?! I know you’ve got it in you—just muster up that courage and take the next step!”

“I truly cannot fathom what is wrong with you! I want our moment back!”

4

Darkness stormed angrily back to her room, and I buried myself under my covers to try to get some sleep. Then I realized I had completely forgotten about Chris and rushed out to our agreed-upon meeting point, two hours after we had agreed to meet there.

When I arrived, there was Chris, wearing black clothes and a mask over her face just like I was.

“You are so late!” she exclaimed. “What could possibly have taken so long?!”

“Uh, sorry, there was some stuff with Darkness. I never thought she would come to my room so late at night and looking like that…”

“Huh?!” Chris went from angry to stiff. “J-just wait a second. You won’t make me forget about being upset that easily. You’re playing this up, but I’m sure nothing serious happened, right?”

“I mean, I guess not. Darkness just suddenly kissed me is all.”

“Guh?!” Chris gasped, shattering her facade of detached cool, her face frozen in shock.

I didn’t think a goddess was ever supposed to look that way.

“As amusing as I find that face, we’re running out of time,” I said. “I don’t know if it’s because of what happened, but physically, I’m feeling pretty good tonight.”

“Whaaaaa—?! Hey, hold on. How can you get kissed and still be so calm?! You were joking, weren’t you? Come on—you were pretending, right?!”

Chris was really bent on this for some reason.

“No, it’s true. You can ask Darkness. Ask her, ‘Is it true that you came to Kazuma’s room in the middle of the night and suddenly kissed him?’ I wonder what’s been going on anyway. Just the other day, Megumin was talking about how she, y’know, likes me. In fact, today she said we should go home together after the fireworks display—not that we got to, thanks to her spoiling that moment. What do I do, Chief? I might take my next step into adulthood during the festival.”

“What, seriously?! Come to think of it, you did mention something the other day about how you were feeling pretty good about things with Megumin and how Darkness seemed to be noticing you, too. W-wait just a second—do you have a love triangle on your hands here?!” Chris clapped her hands over her mouth, then looked at me with undisguised interest. “Oh wow… When did Darkness get so bold?! Wait a second. Did you say Megumin likes you, too? So what are you going to do?! Who are you going to choose?!”

“Hey, hey, don’t rush me. I don’t exactly have this figured out myself yet. This sort of thing happens all the time in manga and novels in Japan. All the pretty girls you meet fall in love with you; you start up a harem… The thing is, I’ve got no complaints about either of their looks, but you know what they’re like on the inside. Plus, the way these scenarios go, I’ll probably trip the flags for some more girls along the way, so it’s a little early to start making any choices. Tell me, Chief, what do you think I should do?”

“I’m starting to think maybe you should just drop dead… I have to admit I’m surprised, though. When did things get this way between you all…?”

Maybe goddesses were immune to talk of love, or maybe she was shocked to discover that her friend Darkness was suddenly going to step into adulthood before she was, but in any event, I was reduced to dragging the dizzy Chris along behind me as we headed for Undyne’s house.

It was a cloudless night, a beautiful full moon in the sky.

There was a reason we had decided so abruptly to go thieving tonight of all nights.

No doubt the mansion would be on alert after our last break-in. But with the festival going on, we assumed they would let their guard down just a little bit. Tonight, however, was the night following the fireworks display. Nobles had a responsibility to protect the town, and the guards at this mansion had been among those sent to the battle.

That meant they would be good and tired, and given that this festival came but once a year, there was also a good chance there would be some drunken partying going on. I still had my little plan to deal with the yelling armor, but if my idea should fail and we were to be pursued, we would simply remove our black suits and masks and fade away into the crowd.

—When we finally got to Undyne’s house, we found that the back entrance through which we’d snuck last time was completely blocked off, and the only other way in—the front gate—was watched by two guards. Chris told me that ever since our attempted heist, the gate had been watched all night, every night.

We were observing the mansion from a distance and discussing our options.

“So what do we do now, Lowly Assistant? This place isn’t as big as the royal castle. A few guards really could be a pain.”

“Good question—I’d like to distract them and sneak in if possible…”

“Uh, um… Are you two, by any chance, members of the Silver-Haired Thief Brigade?”

The voice was very sudden and very right behind us. I sucked in a breath and turned around.

“P-p-p-pleased to meet you!” the newcomer said. “Er, although we aren’t really meeting at all, at least not for the first time! I encountered you at the royal castle once… I’m, well, I suppose you could call me a fan of yours. I’m the Arch-wizard Megumin!”

I’d thought the police had detained her—but there was Megumin in the flesh.

5

For the life of me, I couldn’t tell you how this happened.

“Wow, we’re famous already! I mean, famous enough to get a two-hundred-million-eris bounty on our heads, I guess!!”

Chris seemed at once embarrassed and elated to be told Megumin was a fan of hers. I wanted to point out that this was not the time to be so self-conscious, but I was more interested in wrapping this up without getting in trouble.

Chris and I were both speaking in manufactured voices, but a sharp-enough listener would probably be able to tell who we were. Megumin, however, was too excited for that.

“For a thief gang to earn a bounty on their heads, that’s really amazing! Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you: When you broke into the castle, was it because you knew the princess possessed a dangerous Sacred Treasure and you wanted to protect her?!”

“Oh, uh, yes, that’s right,” I said. “We’re what the world calls righteous thieves. Normally, we’re on the side of the common people, but we can’t ignore a woman in danger, even if she is a princess. Wherever people are in trouble, whether noble mansion or royal castle, we’ll sneak right in. That’s us, the Masked Thief Brigade.”

“Oh, wooow…!”

I had to admit, the envious way Megumin was looking at me felt pretty good.

“H-hang on, Lowly Assistant—aren’t we the Silver-Haired Thief Brigade?! No fair changing our name. I’m the chief, remember?!”

“You’re one to talk about unfair, Chief. Remember how when things were going south in the castle, you said we should call it the Masked Thief Brigade and I could be chief?!”

We briefly ignored Megumin and her glittering eyes while we had a sidebar.

“So what are you doing here?” Megumin asked. “This is a noble’s house, is it not? …One who is not known for his decency, at that…” She looked even more expectant than before.

I looked at Chris, and she looked at me, and then we both nodded.

“Megumin… That was your name, right? As it happens, we’re after a certain object that resides in this house. An object crucial to the future of mankind. Thievery is never an activity to be praised, but… But this is something we must do—yes, even if it puts a bounty on our heads.”

“Wow… Wooow…!” Megumin looked at us like we were genuine heroes.

“It’s true: We’re about to break into that house,” Chris added. “And we’re going to get ourselves a trump card to use against the Demon King’s army. If you feel you need to tell the police, we won’t stop you… But I hope you’ll believe us when we say that this is for the sake of all humanity!”

“Yes! Yes, I believe you! And of course I won’t report you!” Megumin assured us. “But…in exchange, let’s say, there’s something I’d like to ask.” She was fidgeting, looking weirdly shy. Then she bowed her head and gave us a letter. “Please read this! It’s a fan letter I wrote describing how cool and attractive you both are! I’ve been keeping it with me at every moment, in hopes that we might meet again someday!!”

Come to think of it, I did remember her saying she wanted to give a letter to the thieves after we got back from the capital.

Actually, my heart was pounding to get this letter. Megumin thought she was just writing to the heroes she was so enamored of, but for me it was sort of like getting a love letter.

I was about to take the letter carefully when—

“Thank you, young lady; I’ll read this with great interest when this job is over.”

—Chris grabbed it instead.

“Hold it, Chief! She was giving that to me!”

“I don’t think so. Megumin was giving a fan letter to the Silver-Haired Thief Brigade, okay?! It’s not addressed to you; it’s to both of us, so it’s only right that the chief should take it!”

As we began fighting as quietly as we could over the letter, Megumin bowed to us again. “Thank you so very much for accepting it. There was something I was looking forward to after the fireworks display, but unfortunately, things didn’t go as planned, and I was feeling down… But thanks to you, tonight wasn’t all bad.”

Then she gave us an innocent smile.

6

“It’s a good thing we made it through that without being discovered, Chief. But I can’t tell if running into someone like that at this late hour is good luck or bad.”

“Between the both of us, I don’t think we can have bad luck. We even got a fan letter out of it.”

Megumin had left us, saying that she wished she could help somehow but that she had to hurry home and apologize to someone. Then she had said good-bye, but we could still see her taking little worried glances back at us.

Could the “someone” she had to apologize to possibly be me?

“Chief, do you think I could go home for today? I bet I could score a Megumin event by being at my place when she got there.”

“You certainly may not go home. This is the perfect night to break in! What do you mean by ‘Megumin event’ anyway?! At least choose between Megumin and Darkness!”

It looked like I wasn’t going to get out of this. We’d better make this quick, then.

At that moment, I noticed Chris trying to pack the fan letter away close to her chest.

“…Chief, what say we have a little contest to see who gets to keep that letter when this job is over?”

“Okay, a simple battle of rock, paper, scissors.”

“Nothing luck based!”

The unexpected turn of events had made it necessary to get back home as soon as possible. I wanted to wrap this up pronto.

“Let’s overpower the guards here,” I said. “I feel like I’m at the top of my game tonight—two guards? No sweat. I’ll wipe ’em out in the blink of an eye.” Maybe it was my improving standing with Darkness and Megumin that inspired such boldness in me.

“What are you, a monster?” Chris asked. “I remember you were the same way when we were breaking into the royal castle, all excited. The wee hours of the night seem to really invigorate you somehow.”

“If that’s what you think, then pretty much every NEET in Japan is a monster. We want to get as close as we can without being noticed, so activate your Ambush skill, Chief. It’s a full moon tonight, and they keep bonfires burning throughout the festival, so it’s plenty bright. We’ll have to be extra-careful.”

Chris and I used our Ambush skills as we slid along the wall like ninjas, closing in on the guards. The two men were chatting amicably, without a hint of concern. If we could get the drop on them, everything would proceed as planned.

Trying to judge my timing, I listened in on what they were saying.

“Man, this year’s festival has been the best! It’s been really exciting, and you’ve got the Axis Church and everything. And those salesgirls in swimsuits. That was a stroke of genius.”

“The succubus cosplay thing is a big part of it, too. I saw the most incredible chicks, man. I’m just loving this festival. Hey, did you hear? I guess this year they’ve got somebody orchestrating the entire event.”

Ooh, could that be yours truly?

The fact that even soldiers were talking about this stuff meant I had really done a good job.

“I think I know who you mean. You’re talking about that guy who came up with the devious idea to pit the Eris and Axis Churches against each other and let them juice up the whole festival, right?”

“Yeah, that’s the one. Getting the Axis Church involved, the succubus cosplay, the swimsuits, he thought of all of it. I think his name was—”

I jumped from the shadows.

The two panicked guards reached for their swords—

“Drain Touch!”

—but I slapped a hand over each of their mouths and drained their magical energy. Before the two guys could deliver their very unfavorable information in front of Chris, they both quickly fell silent.

“Wh-whoa, now, Lowly Assistant, don’t go too crazy! Though I suppose I am glad you took them by surprise. It did seem like they were about to cry out.”

“I decided that with the form I’m in tonight, I could do it. And I did, didn’t I? Don’t worry—just leave it to me.”

Actually, it had been a pretty close call.

Sure, the guards might have been about to shout, but if they had gotten another word out, I might have been in for some real divine punishment.

Chris dragged the two unconscious guards into the bushes. “I’m glad it turned out well, but be careful next time, okay? After having to go out and fend off the bug attack this evening, everyone here will be tired, careless. We won’t get another chance like this.”

“I know that. So let’s hurry up, ’cause I wanna head home and flirt with Megumin.”

“Weren’t you in a good place with Darkness just before you came here? If you get yourself stabbed one of these days, don’t come whining to me, okay? And I won’t be granting you any more resurrections if that’s how you get yourself killed—you hear me?”

I wish she wouldn’t say such unsettling things.

But I was going to be fine; it wasn’t like either of them had asked me to go out with them. So it didn’t matter what I did with whom; they couldn’t complain.

“But you know,” Chris went on, “what those guards said kind of bugs me… About there being an orchestrator for this festival or whatever. Do you know anything about that, Lowly Assistant?”

“M-me? Not a thing…”

…Now I had a whole new reason for wanting to get this job over with.

Our second break-in to Undyne’s mansion was going as smoothly as the first. It helped that we now knew the layout of the house. Still, the fact that things had gone this well without any hiccups had to be related to the fact that I was with the goddess of good fortune herself.

I hated to consider the possibility, but if I hadn’t tripped that alarm in the vault at the royal castle, things might have gone just as easily there.

At length, we reached the same treasure room we had before. Standing in front of the hidden door, we nodded at each other.

I pulled what would be our key item this time out of my pocket, then pushed open the secret door. As we entered the room, before Aigis had time to shout, I flung on the ground the crystal I had bought at the magic-item shop.

When the crystal shattered, a special barrier surrounded the room.

This was an item I had purchased not at Wiz’s shop, but at another magic-item place that sold things that were actually useful.

What I had gotten was a magic crystal that temporarily put up a weak spirit barrier. It should prevent Aigis’s telepathy from traveling beyond this room.

Chris came in after me, reaching into her backpack to pull out something else we had gotten at the magic-item shop, a cloth wrapping with a mild magic-blocking effect. We would wrap Aigis in it to prevent him from using his telepathy at all.

<I wondered who could be bursting in here—if it isn’t the cat-burglar twins! You don’t take a hint very well, do you? C’mere, everyone! Get ’em!>

Aigis started shouting the moment he saw us. I ignored him, loosening the chains that held him in place.

<Hey, what are you—? You think you’ve got time for that?! A big, bad noble owns this house. If he catches you, it’s the death penalty, y’hear me? …Hey, it’s awfully quiet out there. What’s going on?>

“Ha! You think we’d just wander back in here without a plan?” I said. “Your telepathy won’t reach the rest of the house. Too bad for you!” I laughed nastily, letting Aigis know that this was payback for last time.

<What have you done?! Hey, stop, okay?! Parley! I demand parley!! You want my power, right?! Okay, if you find me a suitable owner, then I’ll cooperate with you! I’m willing to compromise on who it is; just work with me here!!>

Aigis was begging us now; his flippant attitude had vanished. I removed another chain.

“Too bad you didn’t say that the last time we were here, dumbass! I guarantee your next owner will be a man! A big, burly, macho type, so steel yourself!”

<Don’t screw with me, kid! Stoppit! Just imagine if you were a sentient suit of armor! You wouldn’t want to be worn by some stinky dude, would you? Wouldn’t you rather defend a gorgeous young woman?!>

“I sympathize, believe me, but you have no idea what you’ve put us through. Don’t expect us to go out of our way to accommodate you, jerk!”

“L-Lowly Assistant, I know I’m in no position to judge, having argued with the armor last time, but you don’t sound very adult…” Chris backed away a little at the sight of me fighting with this inanimate object far more viciously than she ever had.

<Ahhhhh! Nooo, nooooo! A woman! If someone has to wear me, I want it to be a woman! I don’t care if she’s a black-haired beauty or a golden-locked loli or a sexy redhead; any of them would be fine as long as she was female! Don’t you understand? Whoever wears me gets all sweaty in battle, and who wants that to be some guy?!>

I had to admit I felt a twinge of empathy for the screeching Aigis. Covering the body of some filthy, clammy dude was a pretty unpleasant punishment, but…

“Give it up already,” I said. “And by the way, making a scene on the way home won’t get you anywhere, okay? Chris there has some coverings that prevent weak magic from getting through. We’re going to wrap you in them to get you out of here. Speaking of which, you’re awfully demanding for an inanimate object. Selfishness and immobility don’t go well togeth—”

As I spoke, I removed the last of Aigis’s chains.

<Grrrahhh!>

An impact on my chin set my head spinning.

“L-Lowly Assistant?! W-wait just a second! How are you moving?!”

I tried to listen to Chris while also grasping my wobbling head to steady it. I looked at Aigis, struggling to comprehend what was happening, when—

<I’ve decided. I’m going on a journey. A journey to find the beautiful woman who can wear me. As much as I enjoyed my life here, being waxed by the maids every day, it’s always possible more clowns like you will show up. I’m going to find my own master.>

What greeted my eyes was Aigis, now free of his chains, gently shadowboxing.

And also talking crazy.

Chris said desperately, “Wait just a minute, Aigis; this world needs your power! If you like, maybe I could wear you until we find you a new master…”

<Fuuuck that! As if I would enjoy covering some thief who I can’t even tell if they’re a guy or a girl! I told you—I’m going to find my own master for myself, all right?! …If you really want, though, I could go down the checklist to see how compatible we are… Hmm, face: A rank. Job compatibility: C rank. I’m not even going to bother ranking your chest. Sorry, but it’s gonna be a ‘no’ from me…>

“Grrr! I thought maybe you’d work with me if I played nice! But if that’s how you want to do this, we can use force! Bind!!”

Chris had finally had enough. She flung the wire she kept at her hip at him. She was going to stop Aigis—!

<Ooh, whatcha gonna do with that? You wanna tie me up? Boy, the cuties always turn out to be freaks in bed!>

Except she didn’t. The wire fell limply to the ground.

Aigis raised both hands and shrugged in a What can ya do? gesture, mocking Chris openly.

“Bind!!”

I activated the same skill, but my wire dropped to the ground, too.

<Sure, just keep tryin’, kid. Don’t you get it yet? What do you take me for? I’m the legendary sacred armor Aigis, remember? The strongest, most magic-resistant, most skill-neutralizing, owner-healing, singingest, dancingest armor in the world. A couple of cut-rate pickpockets like you don’t have what it takes to beat me!>

What a jerk!

“Okay, Chief, I guess skills don’t work on him, but if they could hold him with chains, it must mean he’s not as strong as all that! Let’s pin him down and tie him up!”

“R-right! I’ll come from the right; you come from the left!”

Aigis adopted what almost looked like a karate pose. <Ooh, still wanna come at me? I’m the master of the iron fist—literally! My entire body is a weapon!>

“Does this guy ever shut up?!” I exclaimed. “I’ve never heard armor squeak so loud! Grrrahhh!”

Chris and I both jumped at Aigis at once, grabbing on to his torso.

“Okay, got him!” Chris said.

“Chief, let’s pull his arms clean off! Break him into pieces and stuff him in your backpack! If it looks like trouble, we could just leave the helmet here in this room!”

<Hey, watch your mouth. My beautiful body doesn’t have a single seam, so you can’t break it apart—my master has to say a magic phrase when they put me on. If you want to carry me out of here, maybe wearing me would be the fastest way. The phrase is ‘I’m gonna be an armored girl, tee-hee!’ Go ahead—say it.>

“I-I’m gonna be an armored—”

“Chief, there’s no way that stupid phrase is the magic key; he’s just tricking you! Whoa, h-hey, this guy’s surprisingly strong…!”

Aigis was trying to leave the room, dragging both of us along with him…!

“Chief, this is bad! If he gets out of the room, we won’t be able to block his telepathy!”

“Argh, c’mon—Aigis, for goodness’ sake! I’m Eris. The goddess responsible for this world! It’s my duty to oversee you, so please just come along quietly!”

<Yeah, okay, sure. Pleased to meetcha… What a shame—you’ve got such a cute face. But what’s inside matters, too. I’ll try to keep that in mind as I look for my master.>

“Excuse me?!”

Chris was enraged not to be recognized as a real goddess.

<Anyway, kids, it looks like this is where we say good-bye. If you want me so badly, sweetheart, first make yourself pretty enough to stop a man in his tracks. Work on that bust, especially. I know there are some guys out there who say they go gaga over a flat chest, but if you ask me, that’s loser talk.>

“Grrrgh!” Chris clung to Aigis’s arm, red up to her ears, but the armor just walked out the door, dragging us along behind him.

<Hey, everyone here at House Undyne—yeah, the ones who couldn’t even protect me, the world’s greatest treasure. It’s been nice hanging with y’all! Sorry I didn’t get a chance to ask first, but I’m heading out to find my master. If you want me back, get a girl ready, and make sure she’s a hottie! That’s when you’ll see me again!>

The telepathy echoed throughout the entire house, strong enough to make my head hurt.

<Whoo-hoo! I’m free! Free as I’ve ever been! Today, I might as well be a bird! Aigis Kick!! >

Aigis shook us loose, ran out of the treasure room, and then jumped out a window that had to be at least three stories up.

He had hardly finished jumping before lights started going on all over the house, and we heard shouting. The commotion he made had obviously woken up the household.

“What’s going on?! Are there thieves again?!”

“That was Aigis’s voice! Check the treasure room!”

Crap, they’d be coming this way!

Last time, we had torn the curtain off the window across from the vault and used it as a rope to escape. But maybe to stop the same thing from happening again, the curtain hadn’t yet been replaced.

“Chief, we’re in deep here. We’re on the third floor with no way out. I move that we tie your Bind wire to that pillar and use it to climb down!”

“You have a wire, too, Lowly Assistant. Maybe we should use yours!”

“Mine is a super-expensive special-order wire! If they traced it, they could find me!”

“Is that why you were so keen to get it back when you failed to Bind Aigis?! Well, mine’s special-order, too—extra-light. They’ll find us for sure!”

“Brace yourself, Chief. It’s been a while since I got really serious, but I think now’s the time.” Then I steadied my breathing.

“It’s not time to panic yet,” Chris said. “It’s all right; I’ll manage something. Don’t forget who I am. I’m the goddess of good fortune, right?”

Chris gave me a mischievous smile, and that was when it happened.

There was a flash from outside, and at the same time, every window in the Undyne household shattered.

Along with the tinkling of glass came a roar that echoed throughout the summer night—a sound any inhabitant of our town would recognize immediately.

7

This was all the fault of that obnoxious armor.

“Kazuma, come out! If you get out here right now, I can still let you off with a stern lecture!”

Darkness was kicking furiously at the other side of the door.

“How uncouth, Young Lady! If you wish to call yourself a young woman of the nobility, can you not conduct yourself with more restraint?!”

I was leaning against the door as hard as I could, trying to prevent her from kicking it down.

“Sure, this is the one time you want to treat me like a noble! Kazuma, get out here and explain yourself! Otherwise, Chris here will have to take your share of the punishment all by herself!”

“Lowly Assistant, help meee!!”

I could hear Chris’s voice on the other side of the door. But…

“Sorry, Darkness, but that trick won’t work on me. Sure, that was Chris’s voice. But the chief I know and trust would never let herself be captured so easily. You had Aqua cast her party-trick magic on you so you could imitate Chris’s voice, didn’t you? Don’t underestimate my powers of deduction. That was you speaking just now!”

“What are you talking about, Lowly Assistant?! You don’t have powers of deduction!!”

Chris’s pained voice tried to counter my flawless logic.

I was currently holed up at an inn.

After Aigis’s breakout, Chris and I had slipped past the household staff, all shaken by the explosion, and after being pursued around town, we had ducked into a random inn…

Darkness’s voice came again from beyond the door I was bracing myself against. “Kazuma, you can come out now! It’s just Chris and me, no police, nobody from Undyne’s house! Come on, your ‘chief’ or whatever is in big trouble—can you just leave her out here?”

I said only:

“Do what you like.”

“Traitor!” Chris’s voice exclaimed. “Come on, Darkness—untie these ropes! I’ll help you drag my lowly assistant out of there!”

“H-hey, are you really…?!”

One hour later.

Darkness had kicked down my door and taken me captive; now I sat, feet tucked under my behind, alongside Chris, whose upper body was bound with ropes.

“So—tell me again why you did this. I told you before that if you would just explain what was going on, I could talk to people. Damn it all. The Undyne household got a good look at both of you, so now every adventurer in town, and others besides, are looking high and low for you so they can claim your bounty.”

Darkness, who had given us a more or less fair hearing, was rubbing her temples as if she had a headache.

Chris and I were both still tied up, so we had to use our chins to point at each other.

“I said we should ask you, Darkness,” I said. “‘Darkness can use her influence to get the armor for us,’ I said. But the chief here—”

“Huh?! Yes, I admit you said that, Lowly Assistant! But, Darkness, that noble came into possession of the Sacred Treasure by illegal means, and he’s not known for being a nice guy, and I was sure he would just play dumb if you asked him about it! And you were so busy being governor!”

Darkness heaved a very long, very deep sigh. “However busy I was, I would have made time for you if it would have prevented you from committing a crime. And even if Undyne did get the armor illegally, nobles have their ways. If you offer them enough compensation, the profit motive usually takes over. And that…!”

“Ow, ow, ow, ow! Darkness, stop! I’m sorry—I’ll be sure to ask you next time before I steal something!”

“Not stealing is always an option, you know!” Darkness, furious, was pinning Chris’s temples between her fists. “Do you want to know what makes me angriest, though?” She fixed me with a piercing glare. “After what happened between you and me last night, you just wandered off to go thieving—that’s hardest of all to forgive! You could afford to act a little conflicted!! Think about how you behaved after that and imagine how I suffered from humiliation…!”

“Aaaaaaghhh, it’s gonna break! You’re gonna crack my skull! I’m sorry; I’m so sorry; I was wrong! But if you were going to be so embarrassed, you shouldn’t have done something like that in the first place! You just kiss a guy and then stop halfway—I wasn’t exactly feeling great, either!”

Darkness had me in a hawk-talon grip, and I thought my head was about to cave in…!

“Pfwah!”

That was when Chris suddenly made a very strange noise. Then she started to tremble, just enough that it was almost audible…

“Whoawhoawhoawhoa… So all that stuff you were saying last night, Lowly Assistant—it was true…?! It really happened?! Darkness did give you a kiss?!”

“Huh?! Chris, I don’t think that matters right now! Wait—Kazuma, you even told her about that?!”

“What else was I supposed to do? She wouldn’t leave me alone about why I was late! Anyway, after everything you and I have done together, I think it’s a little late to be embarrassed over a kiss! You’ve even washed my back in the bath, and we’ve both seen each other naked. Hell, when I broke into your mansion, you were the one who suggested we become adults together!”

“Ahhhh, Kazumaaaaaaa! Fine, I get it; let’s end this conversation right now—this isn’t the time for this anyway! Here, I’ll untie your bindings, so let’s just get out of here, and both of you try to help!”

Darkness was glowing red as she hurried to undo the ropes.

“I think I just heard something really incredible. Will someone please tell me what’s going on?! Have you two really gone that far?! Am I the only child here?!”

“We can talk about that later, Chris! Here, I’ll untie you, too…”

“Later, my foot! I need details! Come on, Darkness—why won’t you tell me? What happened to our friendship as women?!”

I rubbed my wrists where the bindings had been as I observed the two girls, positions now thoroughly reversed.

“Y-you don’t give up, do you, Chris? I told you—it doesn’t matter! Sheesh! You and Aqua and Megumin—why do all of you have to decide to cause trouble right when I’m the acting governor?” Darkness began rubbing her temples again.

“…Huh?” I said. “You mean I’m not the only one? Aqua and Megumin did something, too?”

“…Megumin is currently confined in a holding cell at the police station. Apparently, she cast explosion magic in town last night for no reason at all. I asked her again and again why she did it, but all she would say was ‘I never got to use my magic at the fireworks display, and I just wanted to let it out. I think my explosion magic was most beautiful of all, and I shall not repent, but I will pay for damages.’ I could hardly understand what she was talking about. I decided to let the police keep her until the festival is over.”

The origin of the shock wave that had assaulted the Undyne household the night before had, of course, been Megumin. She had continued to look nervously back over her shoulder as she left us, and when she saw the lights go on in the house, she realized our theft had failed and, assuming we were in trouble, had used her magic.

Then she had fallen over, immobile from using up all her MP, and was promptly arrested.

I felt bad for her and resolved to make it up to her sometime.

“Okay, so what about Aqua? What did she do?”

Darkness frowned as if she didn’t want to answer that question.

“Those Axis Church followers… They made so much more money at this festival than anticipated that…starting next year, they want to fund the entire celebration and make it solely the Aqua Appreciation Festival.”

“M-man, so this is the power of a real goddess. This is a bigger reaction than even I expected, gosh.”

A little bit overwhelmed by the shouting, I turned to Aigis, who had been standing stock-still beside me. Now, though, he started to shiver.

<I’ve found her…,> he whispered. <I’ve found her. I’ve found heeerrrrrr! Yes, that’s her! That’s my master if anyone! Is this real life?! Seriously, what’s going on?! How can a woman that gorgeous even exist in this world?! It doesn’t make any sense! It just doesn’t make any sense to me!!>

“H-hey, calm down! I didn’t think suits of armor were even supposed to have personalities, and yours is the worst!”

As I worked to talk down Aigis, onstage, the MC was trying his best to ask another question.

“Ahhh, yes-yes-yes, th-thank you very much! Thank you so much for your most gracious answer! Uh, normally there would be two further questions…” The MC looked thrilled but sounded very intimidated.

Those other two questions were the ones about her age and job.

Eris giggled and said, “Those answers are secret.” Then she gave a mischievous wink and held up her pointer finger in a hush-hush gesture.

There was another bout of raucous cheering, until the air itself started to shake.

There was someone else—or should I say something else—here that was acting kind of weird. The self-proclaimed Sacred Treasure shouted out, <N-no, stop! Lady Eris, there’s no need for any more fan service! I, Aigis, will not let you strike such a devilish pose!>

“You’re the one who needs to stop. It’s like I don’t even know who you are anymore! One thing you are is awfully noisy, though, so pipe down. I’ll introduce you to her later!”

<You will?! Really?! A punk like you… I mean, a fine gentleman like yourself can introduce me to her?!>

“Damn right I can. Didn’t I tell you? I said I would introduce you to a gorgeous woman if you did what Chris said. Incidentally, that is Chris there, as well as the goddess Eris. She told you over and over who she was, but you didn’t even listen.”

<Fuuuck! Damn it all, wh-what am I gonna do? How can I apologize to Lady Eris?! H-hey, I’ll let you inside me for an hour if you just help me apologize to her!>

Frankly, I had zero interest in being inside Aigis, but I thought maybe if I helped him out here, he would finally listen to Eris.

From the stage, Eris looked directly at Aigis and me and giggled again.

“The goddess Lady Eris has descended to walk among uuusssss!” somebody shouted. I gave her a wry smile back.

“Lady Eris, please, please shake my hand! I’ve been so unlucky recently—please give me the blessing of the goddess of good fortune!”

I couldn’t tell who had spoken. It might have been a testament to the sincerity of the prayer that it was audible over the hum and roar of the crowd.

The cry seemed to cause the entire place to fall silent.

…Huh? Wait, this doesn’t seem right.

“Me too! Lady Eris, take my hand!”

“Me first, idiot!”

“Lady Eris, there’s a hungry cat waiting for me at home. Please help me win the lottery on my way back…!”

Impassioned audience members started trying to climb up onto the stage.

“Please stay calm, everyone!” the MC said. “Please stay off the stage!” But the announcer’s cries did nothing to stop the crowd.

Onstage, Eris looked lost and concerned, but nonetheless she reached out delicately to take the hand outstretched to her.

Why would you let yourself get pushed around so easily, Lady Eris? You could just turn the guy down.

Nearby, I heard two Eris followers shouting to each other before they rushed off.

“Hey, we’ve got to protect Lady Eris!”

“Y-yeah, we can’t let this go on! Look, they’re getting so carried away that they won’t let go of her hand!”

I agreed with them: I didn’t like the way this was going. It was like an idol meet-and-greet gone bad; it was only a matter of time until somebody did something truly heinous.

“Help me out here, Aigis! Lady Eris is gonna get hurt at this rate! If you really want to show her you’re sorry, then use yourself to protect her!”

<Yeah! Who could have predicted a twist so favorable to a suit of armor?! I’ll protect her—I’ll super-protect her! I, the sacred armor Aigis, shall protect the chaste jewel that is Lady Eris to my dying breath!>

“Ch-chaste? I don’t think you… Actually, since she doesn’t seem to know anything about love, maybe she is…”

<Lady Eris is a goddess! She must be a virgin! I’m sure she’s the kind of girl who, if she were faced with the grimy naked body of a man, would cry out and cover her face. But then she would peek through her fingers, because she would be just the slightest bit interested by the sight. She’s gentle and kindhearted, and I’m sure she smells wonderful.>

Man, he was really smitten.

“Come on—let’s hurry! When we get up onstage, you surround Lady Eris! Then we bust through the crowd!”

<Awesome! I never dreamed I would get to be one with Lady Eris so soon! L-Lady Eris…inside me… Pant, pant…>

“You’re starting to sound like the most dangerous guy of all; is this really a good idea?! Anyway, take care of the crowd in front of us—you’re a walking weapon, aren’t you?!”

Aigis responded by shoving his way through the crowd.

<Damn right I am! And now that I’ve found my true master, I’m hotter than anyone in this square! You there, outta my way! I’m so superheated I’ll burn anyone who touches me! >

“Errrgyahhh! Who is this guy? Who would be stupid enough to wear armor that hot?!”

“Hey, don’t push. I don’t care how hot you— No, sto— Aggghhh!”

“Somebody dump some water on this guy! Water!”

I understood. Aigis had been out in the sun for so long that now he was burning hot. He worked his way through the crowd as various audience members fled from him, while I got to the stage as fast as I could.

Eris was still politely clasping hands with people. “K-Kazuma!” she said, looking worried. “What do we do? This is getting messy…”

“Aigis is on his way here. I want you to get inside him and go somewhere deserted! … Hey, you, give Lady Eris her hand back! If you wanna hold on to someone for so long, I’ll give you my hand instead!”

“Ahhh, stop! I was never going to wash this hand again!”

I was forcibly exchanging pulling Eris’s hand from the grasp of one of the audience members and replacing it with mine when Aigis dragged himself out of the crowd and up onto the stage.

<Sorry to keep you waiting, Master. Please get inside me, quickly! The magic phrase to unlock me is ‘I’m gonna be ol’ Aigis’s bride!’ Go for it!>

“I-I’m gonna be ol’ Aigis’s—”

“Please don’t let him trick you, Lady Eris. And as for you, we don’t have time for games!”

Aigis gave a disappointed shrug. <Aww, too bad… Oh well, here we go, Master! Com-bine!>

There was a bright flash. The intensity of it caused everyone nearby, including the MC, the entire audience, and me to shield our eyes. Then we finally looked back at Eris…!

Ensconced in the armor, the goddess began squealing. “Ahhh, it’s hot! Kazuma, it’s hot; I’m going to fry in here!”

Crap! That’s right—Aigis was really warm just then!

I raised my right hand and pointed it at the armor.

“Freeze!!”

[But the spell has no effect.]

Argh, that’s right—spells and skills didn’t work on this guy!

“Is Lady Eris gone?!”

“Where’d she go?!”

“Could she have gone back to her heavenly home?”

“No, those two guys who climbed up on the stage did something!”

It appeared to the audience that Eris had vanished in that flash of light, and now they began to mount the stage, pointing at Aigis and me.

“I don’t like where this is going… Hey, Aigis! I’ll distract them and try to hold them off for a while. You take Lady Eris and run!”

<Leave it to me! And here’s a special tip for all your hard work: Lady Eris really does smell wonderful!>

This guy is hopeless.

Not that I wasn’t slightly happy to receive that information!

“K-Kazuma?! Those people look murderous; you’re going to be in danger…!” Eris said, her voice muffled by the armor. Maybe she didn’t have time to be concerned about Aigis’s impropriety.

I tried to reassure her as best I could.

“It’s all right. They’re all barehanded. The way I’m feeling now, none of them can beat me.”

If they didn’t have any weapons, then with my Drain Touch skill, I held the advantage.

I turned to the crowd trying to get up onto the stage and said, “This ought to cool you off! Create Water!”

The moment I shouted, a veritable flood crashed down on their heads!

“Glurg?! That son of a—!”

“Aww, now he’s done it! Come here, you!”

“That’s the Adventurer Kazuma—he’s famous for how weak he is! Let’s get him!”

Now they were sopping wet and ready to kill me. At least I had gotten their attention.

Maybe Eris was resisting Aigis, though, because the armor made no move to escape.

“Go, Chief,” I said. “It’s the duty of a lackey to sacrifice himself when his leader is going to be captured.”

“L-Lowly Assistant…”

I turned my back on Aigis, who still hadn’t moved.

“Plus, today is the last day of the festival!” I added. “And festivals mean two things: shop stalls and fireworks. And they say fighting is the flower of a festival!” I put up my dukes. “Come and get meeeeee!!”

“Lowly Assistant!”

Maybe Aigis finally got a move on, because Eris’s voice seemed to be getting farther away as I launched myself at the crowd…!

7

Darkness stood with her arms crossed, glaring down at me.

“Well, Mr. Kingpin, what do you have to say for yourself?”

After getting into a gigantic fistfight at the beauty contest, I had been taken in by the police and tossed into a holding cell. They told me to just cool my head for a bit and then left me there to sit sadly with my knees drawn up into my chest, even though it was the last day of the festival…

“Look. I’m grateful to you for rescuing me and all, but what’s the big idea?”

I had been set free thanks to Darkness’s intercession, but no sooner had I gotten home than she made me kneel formally in the living room. Beside me was Aqua, also sitting on her knees, with Emperor Zel in her arms and a sparkle in her eyes.

Apparently, she had something to answer for, too. The at-least-I’m-not-the-only-one-getting-in-trouble look on her face kind of bugged me, though.

Megumin, who had also been released after Darkness talked to the police, was leaning on the sofa, watching me with a look of exasperation.

“And what do you mean, kingpin?” I said. “Tell me exactly what happened while I was in police custody.”

I couldn’t think of anything I’d done to feel guilty about, but nonetheless, I kept my hands in front of me on the carpet so that I could throw myself into a posture of abject apology if the discussion turned sour.

“First, let me ask you something… When you spoke to the merchants’ council, did you really tell them that pitting the Axis and Eris Churches against each other would be the best way to boost profits?”

Without missing a beat, I lowered myself into a perfect formal bow of apology.

Darkness didn’t even hesitate but kept talking. “And according to Aqua, the person who first thought of cosponsoring the Eris Appreciation Festival wasn’t her but you. And according to the council president, lewd ideas like putting the salesgirls in swimsuits and having a costume parade were yours, too… Here, ‘Honored Adviser.’ Have a look at this. The president brought it to me by way of apology.”

Apparently, she had found everything out when the council president had come here personally to apologize. Now that I thought about it, I realized he probably had no idea Darkness and I lived in the same house.

What was I gonna do? The collective gaze in the room on me was so cold. Maybe if I pretended I’d gone into shock, they’d let it go.

“Don’t look so pitiful, Kazuma. You’ll make us feel like we’re the ones bullying you,” Darkness said. “In any event, the practice of skimming some of the profits from the festival is an ugly relic left behind by the former governor. It’s not your fault—you can accept this proudly… Come on, Honored Adviser; do you really not want it?”

Darkness pretended to look concerned as she held out the bulging sack of money.

Stop—please stop. It would be better if you yelled your lungs out at me.

“Well, hold on, Darkness. There’s something else that bothers me more than this,” Megumin said, preparing to lob another bomb my way. “Kazuma. I hear tell that you are on good terms with a number of women these days. For example, I hear that you were up drinking until dawn with a certain succubus cosplayer lady. I am not saying you were wrong to do it. It’s not like you’re dating anyone, after all.”

“Y-you really lived it up, didn’t you…?” Darkness said. “I mean, we don’t really have the kind of relationship where I can criticize you for it, but after you and I got so far along, do you really think that’s appropriate?”

Aww, not Darkness, too.

Megumin did a double take when she heard this.

“I think I just heard something I cannot ignore! When exactly did you ‘get so far along’? How far along did you get? What base carnality, to get so carried away by the festival that you jump straight to having physical relations!”

“W-wait, what…?!” Darkness exclaimed. “W-we haven’t had physical relations yet…!”

“Did you say ‘yet’? Meaning that one day you expect to have them, you despicable cur!”

I turned my attention away from the sudden catfight.

“Hey, Aqua, do you think I’m sort of like the star of a harem thing right now?”

“You look awfully happy for someone who’s being forced to sit and apologize in his own living room.”

Whether because she had overheard us or just to keep Megumin from attacking her any more, Darkness said, “Th-that’s right, Aqua! You’re next! Just what do you intend to do about everything that’s happened?” Darkness’s hair was disheveled, and she sounded a bit panicked.

“…Come on, Darkness; let’s talk about this. Even that masked demon said it. Humans are a race that has conversations.”

Come to think of it, I still didn’t know what she had actually done.

“That’s true—you’re right. I do believe talking to one another is important. If we had started with a conversation, things might never have gotten so out of hand.”

Aqua sat beside me, still with her knees tucked under her and still with Emperor Zel in her arms. She was making one of her rare logical pronouncements, and Darkness slowed down to answer.

I finally got to hear the whole story.

It was the day of the Eris beauty contest.

The Axis disciples, flush with their recent run of sales, were intent on striking the final blow to the Eris Church, which they planned to do with an idea Aqua had come up with. That would be the secret plan Cecily had talked about.

Aqua, who was a total idiot except when it came to Japanese street stalls, apparently, had hit upon a brilliant, awful idea.

“I can’t believe you actually came up with a plan like this,” Megumin said, sounding really impressed. “It certainly would result in a lot of money for the person who started it. It’s almost too good an idea to believe it’s really yours, Aqua.”

Darkness leaned in, unmoved. “And who taught you about this ‘pyramid scheme’? You didn’t come up with such a high-level crime on your own, did you?” She brought her face right up to Aqua’s.

Aqua looked away and pointed directly at…

…me.

“Hey, don’t try to pin this on me! Yeah, I admit that one time, way back when we were still mired in debt, I complained that I had no hope of paying the money back and wondered aloud if I should start a pyramid scheme or something! And yeah, I admit that I explained how they work!”

“So it was you! How much trouble do you have to cause here before you’ll be satisfied?”

“Hey, this was not my idea! It’s a well-known crime in my country, and… Hey, Aqua, you knew full well it was illegal, didn’t you?! Don’t you pretend you can’t hear me!”

That’s right: This idiot had deployed her followers in the service of a pyramid scheme. Apparently, she figured that in a world with less elaborate laws than Earth’s, she was entitled to whatever she could get away with. Given the huge crowd present for the festival, her system spread instantly and made a staggering amount of money in just one day.

Too much money.

Enough money that Darkness found out about it.

Aqua, who had been listening politely until that moment, suddenly faced Darkness head-on and exclaimed, “I didn’t have any choice! The Eris Church had that juvenile Miss Whatever Contest, and they were going to outperform us! Plus, it’s going to take a lot of money if we want to host the Aqua Appreciation Festival by ourselves next year, so—!”

“And you think that’s an excuse to commit a crime?! This all started because you demanded to be included in the festival…”

“Aww, but it’s not fair for the festival to be all about Eris! Why don’t I have a festival? Why doesn’t anyone venerate me? I want to be worshipped and pampered! Anyway, a pyramid scheme isn’t a crime yet!”

“That’s true for now. For now! That just means it’s a new form of fraud that we haven’t yet made laws against, but it’s still outrageous behavior!”

As the temperature rose between them, Megumin and I looked at each other and smiled.

“If the law hasn’t caught up with me, then nothing about my idea was illegal! So give me back the money I made! Give me back the money for next year’s Aqua Appreciation Festival!!”

“That money has already been returned to your victims! If you push any harder, you’re going to find yourself with a criminal record like Megumin and Kazuma!”

“P-pardon me, but I was merely put in jail and told to cool down. I do not have a criminal record!”

“Y-yeah, and I got off with a warning!”

“Is there any chance you guys would always be this nice if we just let you party all the time?”

“I can’t shake the sense that you’re making fun of me, but you’re not wrong. By the way, for your reference, the same is true of me. If you want me to behave, just bring me expensive wine every day.”

“So you finally admit you’re the cause of half my problems around here.”

I recognized various people around the party hall. There was the priestess Cecily, rubbing her drunken-red cheek up against a girl from the Eris Church; there was Wiz drinking and eating with Vanir (why? Had he been part of the staff downtown?), who had brought Yunyun along.

And…

“Come on, Darkness—drink up! You too, Megumin!”

“Why do you always get so excitable when there’s wine involved? D-don’t try to get Megumin to drink! Here, I’ll take her share!”

“Darkness, I am no longer a child, so please let me enjoy this moment with a little alcohol! I’m even old enough to get married! Oh, Kazuma, you’re late. You tell her, Kazuma! I’m just two years younger than you, so we’re practically the same age!”

And there was Chris, her face red, sitting with Darkness and Megumin.

Did all goddesses love parties?

“It’s way too soon for you to start drinking,” I said. “And the difference in our ages is back to three years, because guess what? Today is my birthday!”

That’s right: Today marked one year since I had come to this world.

I knew it was kind of sad to announce your own birthday, but frankly, I wanted everyone to celebrate me.

I turned to Aqua expectantly.

“Hmm. Congrats, I guess? So, Kazuma, where’s my present?”

Ah, sweet words of celebration…

“…Your present? What are you talking about? Why would I give you a present?”

“Oh, that’s right, Kazuma. I forgot you’re a big dummy who doesn’t know anything about this country’s customs. Well, let me enlighten you. Around here, on their birthday, a person is so grateful to everyone around them for helping them survive another year that they give presents to all their friends.”

No way. Stupid, rotten country.

Then again, in a world full of monsters out to shorten the average life span, I guess it made a certain kind of sense…

“There is no such custom,” Megumin broke in. “Happy birthday, Kazuma. When we get home, I’ll give you something wonderful.”

No sooner had Megumin spoken than I tore into Aqua. “Why, you, telling believable lies, you’re just an old hag of indeterminate age whose birthday we don’t even know! How about you tell me your birthday and how old you are!”

“Waaaaahhh! Kazuma said the unforgivable—again! I really will punish you this time!”

As Aqua and I chewed each other out, Darkness, who was using a handkerchief to hold her glass, said, “Kazuma, happy birthday. I’ll also give you some kind of present when we get home. I’m sorry—if I’d known, I could have had something for you already.”

“Awesome, thanks. You’re right; maybe I should’ve said something earlier. Megumin had her birthday without me even knowing it, and I’d like to celebrate the next one properly. For that matter, Darkness, when’s your birthday? I know you’re a noble, even if you’re not much of one—I’ll bet you throw a wicked party.”

Darkness suddenly started acting a little funny. “Uh… M-my birthday? …Well, that’s, it’s, uh…”

As Darkness sat there with her eyes brimming, Chris said nonchalantly, “Darkness’s birthday is way over, I think. Didn’t you have some huge party back around spring? Say, Lowly Assistant, why didn’t you and your friends come?”

Darkness twitched, and everything fell into place for me.

“You deliberately didn’t invite us to your party because you were afraid we would cause trouble! You thought we would do something to the other nobles!”

“Is that true?!” Aqua exclaimed. “That’s terrible! Come to think of it, Darkness, you wanted us to leave before that Iris girl could give us our awards, too!”

“Let’s give her what’s coming to her!” Megumin said. “Let this misunderstanding young noble receive her comeuppance!”

Darkness was practically in tears under this concerted assault. Chris was watching the whole thing with a bit of a smirk; then she tugged on my sleeve as if to suggest we take a walk.

“That sure got out of control fast… Ugh, I heard from Darkness, okay? She said you were the ringleader in all this.”

The words came suddenly, and a little bit sullenly, from Chris as we were walking around outside the party venue, me enjoying the cool night breeze against my wine-warmed face.

This was after I’d had Eris herself appear in her own beauty pageant.

I guess having a goddess show up was a pretty big deal, and people had used magic and messenger birds and post horses, every method available, to let the surrounding towns and even the capital know what had happened.

According to the council members, it was likely that from now on, Axel, the town where the goddess appeared, would be treated as a holy place by the Eris Church.

“Y-yeah, I’m really sorry about that. I’ll keep helping you with your Sacred Treasure search, so please forgive me… But the councillors told me something. They said that after this, the Eris Appreciation Festival has to go on, no matter what.”

Chris looked pleased about that. “Oh yeah…? Then between that and the way you and Aigis rescued me on that stage, I guess I can forgive you!”

“Oh, thank you, Goddess!”

As we bantered back and forth, we wandered through a town still enjoying the last embers of excitement from the festival.

I gathered that after Aigis safely escaped the beauty contest, he had started to listen to Chris. They would soon be trying to find him a master, someone to whom they could give him as a trump card against the Demon King’s army. Aigis hoped for a Sword Master, and Chris hoped to grant his wish as best she could.

And so it seemed like both our latest Sacred Treasure search and the little Eris-versus-Axis showdown had turned out okay.

When I reviewed everything in my mind, though, I couldn’t help being struck by how much influence a real goddess could have. I mean, we were just walking around, and…

“Sigh… I wonder if she could still be somewhere in town—Lady Eris. I’ve adored her ever since I first saw her picture…”

“Even if she were still here, she would never show herself to a blackhearted sinner like you. She would pick a devout, pure follower like me.”

“Oh, you’re not so great. You used a teleport service to get here as fast as you could after you stole your girlfriend’s dowry.”

“Jerk, I came to get Lady Eris’s blessing on my marriage—my girl even said it was okay, you hear me?”

Just a couple of guys talking on the street, and they were talking about Eris.

As we passed by, I said, “…You heard ’em, Lady Eris. It’s probably fine if you don’t bless them, right?”

“I’m not Lady Eris; I’m Lady Chris, Lowly Assistant. All I could do right now is swipe some treasure from your house to pay back the dowry that guy took.”

Then both of us broke into laughter.

Maybe it was the stopping and laughing that caused the people behind Chris to suddenly run into her.

The culprits were a pair of small sisters, each carrying a lovely flower.

“S-sorry!” one of them said.

“We’re very sorry!” added the other quickly.

Chris replied, “I’m the one who should apologize, just stopping suddenly like that! Are you both okay? You didn’t fall down, did you?” She bowed her head again.

The flower belonging to the girl who looked like the younger sister had fallen to the ground. Chris hurriedly picked it up.

“Gee, I’m sorry! I made you drop your chris!” Then she picked up the purple flower and handed it to the girl.

“Chris?” I whispered, eyeing the bloom. “…Is that the name of that flower?”

“Sure it is. This kind of flower is called a chris. In the language of flowers, it represents the resolve to never give up.”

The girl who appeared to be the older of the two made a sound of admiration. “Wow. Hey, why do you have a scar on your cheek? Does that mean you’re an adventurer? My daddy said adventurers are all ruffians, but then how do you know about flowers?”

Out of the mouths of babes: Chris was at a loss. She scratched her scar shyly. “Um… This scar, I got it while fighting the bad guys, the Demon King’s army. And yes, I’m an adventurer, but there are some of us who are decent people. Like this guy here.” She looked at me and giggled. “And that flower’s the only one I know anything about. See how it’s the same color as my eyes? I adore the chris flower.”

She leaned over and looked at the girls, then brought the flower up to her face to smell the aroma.

“Wow, that’s neat. We’re gonna offer these flowers to Lady Eris. Big Sis and I used our allowance to buy them.”

“Yeah, they say Lady Eris likes this flower, too!”

“Huh! I’m impressed with you, knowing what Lady Eris likes! But I think if Lady Eris knew that little girls like you were using their precious allowance to bring her an offering—well, she’d certainly be happy, but she’d be a little concerned, too. So I think she’d be perfectly pleased if this was the only offering you two brought her.”

“Really…? But we wanted to thank Lady Eris.”

“Thank her…?” Chris looked puzzled.

“Yeah, that’s right. Our mommy said that the reason everyone can live in peace here is because Lady Eris bestows powers on people to resist the evil Demon King.”

“And she said Lady Eris works hard, but nobody knows about it. So we wanted to say thanks to her and try to encourage her.”

Hearing that, Chris said, “I-is that right…? Well, from now on, I think Lady Eris would be very happy just to know how you feel, even without any offerings. I’m sure she would thank you for encouraging her.” She still seemed like she wasn’t completely sure what to say. But she scratched her cheek again with an expression that was both embarrassed and deeply relieved.

The younger girl looked at her and said, “…Come to think of it, your hair and eyes are the same color as Lady Eris’s, aren’t they?”

Kids could be surprisingly perceptive.

Chris was looking a little panicked, but meanwhile, the older girl was also looking studiously at her hair.

…But it wasn’t like they’d really caught on to her true identity, right? It was just one of those silly things kids said.

Whatever the girl may have thought, she suddenly held out the flower she was holding. “We have my little sister’s flower to offer still, so I want to give this to you. Thank you, adventurer, for always keeping us safe from monsters!”

“Thank you!” her sister added, both of them smiling widely.

“Ah-ha-ha, w-well, this is unexpected. Th-thank you; thank you both…!”

Receiving this surprise present from the little girls had made Chris beet red; she struggled to return their smiles as tears welled up at the edges of her eyes.

The girls smiled even wider and ran off. “See you later, Mr. Adventurer!”

“Bye-bye!”

“Huh?! Hey, hold on! I’m not a ‘mister.’ I’m a ‘miss’!”

This second, less pleasant surprise brought fresh tears to Chris’s eyes, although for a different reason.

“So tell me. The name Chris…”

Chris brought the flower to her nose, closing her eyes and enjoying the scent.

“That’s right. I got it from this flower.”

Then, looking happy, she watched the two girls go.

“You’re sure you didn’t just change one sound from Eris to Chris.”

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Chris glared at me, the flower still pressed to her nose.

“I’m looking at you like…like someone who does everything she can on her own without anybody knowing. The one person I can really respect.”

“…Er, oh. Well, uh, I guess that’s okay, then.” Chris looked away from me quickly, then picked up her pace as if ready to hurry on home.

“Ohhh, are you embarrassed? You’re embarrassed, aren’t you, Chief?”

“Who’s embarrassed? Hush up, Lowly Assistant, and give me a moment to hear myself think.”

“When you turn your head away like that, I can see that your ears are bright red. You really are adorable, Lady Eris—will you marry me?”

“You are very loud and very annoying, Mr. Kazuma. If you keep teasing the goddess, you’re going to bring down divine punishment on yourself. And please don’t say such things so nonchalantly—I’ll tell Megumin and Darkness that you proposed to me.”

Chris still wouldn’t look at me, and she was still red up to her ears.

“Say, Lowly Assistant.”

“Yeah?”

Chris was walking along with her flower, holding it as if it were a precious treasure.

“…Thanks. For a lot of things.”

She was a goddess whose hard work had just been rewarded by two of her smallest believers, and although she spoke quietly, her words were full of emotion.

I went after my friend—my friend whom I couldn’t quite resent, who was worth teasing every now and again.

And I was just a little bit sorry that this troublesome, obnoxious festival was over…