*Char’s Zaku: A vehicle that appeared in Mobile Suit Gundam. It was known as Char’s personal mobile suit. Painted bright red, it was said to move three times as fast as the unit it was based upon. By the way, this anime series was originally aired…

Where did you learn that one?

My friend was desperately trying to contain his laughter.

His hands were trembling on the steering wheel.

My friend’s girlfriend appeared to have no idea what it meant.

She sat in the passenger seat, looking puzzled.

They already knew the dirty secret that my girlfriend was a fujoshi, by the way, so they probably decided that they didn’t need to ask.

Next, my girlfriend said this.

So, uh, what’s your point?

… There is something seriously wrong with this lady.

But I just can’t bring myself to care anymore…

I must be reaching the end.

Uh, Y-ko…

The following question has several different meanings:

Great. Mayu Shinjo!!

So…

Uhh…

And with an “Oh, it arrived,” she grabbed the package from my hands.

She began tearing directly through the cardboard.

Most people would neatly cut through or rip off the tape on the lid,

but my girlfriend does not bother herself with methods that involve more than one step.

And what should emerge from the shattered, torn carcass of this cardboard box, but…

A smaller box. Judging from the packaging, it was some kind of game.

And it didn’t look like a PlayStation game.

Therefore, it was most likely a game to be played on the PC.

A sudden possibility popped into my head, and I asked my girlfriend a question.

I really hope it’s not the case.

That is another world that I really don’t want to get involved in, for entirely different reasons.

Not least of which is the fact that she’s buying it under my name.

This was her answer.

Ah, I see. It must be very erotic, then.

It was a scream emitted from my entire body and soul.

I don’t know why she denied it the first time.

At any rate, it was one hell of a roar.

I’m sure it must have upset the neighbors.

And, of course, it just had to be “it is an eroge” that I screamed so loud.

I can practically see the neighbors pointing at the back of my head tomorrow.

… Someone, anyone, save me.

… Whew. Well, that earthshaking bellow helped calm me down.

I’m okay. I’m still hanging in there. I can still fight.

I got into a boxing stance within my mind,

and I delivered a withering smack down to local fujoshi, Y-ko.

But I just can’t help it. She’s older than me.

It’s my personal motto to always speak politely to my elders.

… Well, that makes sense.

However, I can’t back down yet.

I’ve got to get answers to all of my questions.

She looked at me with an expression like can’t you even understand that?

Yes, yes, I do.

It is indeed embarrassing.

I know because I am feeling it in real time…

… I know it so well it hurts.

I mean…

Apparently, it’s not really that erotic…

Apparently, it’s actually very popular…

I have learned something today.

Yes, I understand that.

I just signed for it and brought it into the room this minute.

If you’re buying the sequel, it must be because the first game was pretty darn good, right?

And she responded—

I see. You haven’t played it.

Wait a moment.

My girlfriend bought Fate/hollow ataraxia.

It’s the sequel, meaning the continuation of the first game.

But she claims that she hasn’t played the first.

… I have a very bad feeling about this.

I don’t want to know.

I can feel that there’s a terrible sucker punch waiting for me ahead.

But I have to make sure.

There are lots of things in this world that you simply can’t ignore.

Come on, me!

And still with the politeness!!

I am such a coward!!

…… Don’t worry?

… What does that mean?

Does it mean, “Don’t worry, I haven’t bought the first game”?

Or does it mean, “Don’t worry, I ordered the first game to go with it”?

… The former! “Don’t worry, I haven’t bought the first game” is my final answer!!

Yes!! Yes!!

I know I’ve got a smile on my face now!!

I’m as smiley as Yon-sama right now!!

That’s grea… grea… uh…

“Here,” she said, handing me the intercom.

“Okay,” I said, accepting the intercom.

I slowly raised it to my ear…

……… Yes, that’s right. I knew this was coming.

I just wanted to believe that it wasn’t the case.

… What is this that I’m feeling?

The “S couple” and the “Me and fujoshi Y-ko couple” get along well.

We often find ourselves eating out and doing things together.

Back when they didn’t know about Y-ko’s secret identity yet, we went out for drinks.

We heard them talk about their high school, and we told them about the place we worked.

A fun time was had by all.

By the way, within the relationship between S and his girlfriend (let’s call her her **),

she is the one who wields the power.

From an outside perspective, she’s like a fire-breathing wife.

While we sat listening to their still very lovey-dovey conversation,

my own secret weapon, the now solidly drunk fujoshi Y-ko, decided to drop a bombshell.

Yes, you can tell these people live together.

They are on the same wavelength.

But this is terrible!

Must change topic… must change topic!!

I need something, anything I can use to change the topic!

………

… Don’t just sidestep me like that, S-kun.

Don’t you realize the spot you sidestepped onto is a land mine?

Are you sure about this? Do you really want that?

Well, there’s no stopping at this point.

My girlfriend didn’t come equipped with brakes.

Y-KO:

Well, you see, a tsundere is .

Oh dear. Y-ko-san looks so happy about this.

Please, just stop yourself before they get totally freaked out.

Right there! Stop right there!

But alas, what did wishes ever accomplish?

Give me your strength, fried chicken—

Don’t just sidestep me like that, **.

Don’t you realize the spot you sidestepped onto is terrible, uncharted wilderness?

Are you sure about this? Do you really want that?

Well, there’s no stopping at this point.

My girlfriend’s got the pedal to the metal.

And here she comes.

S and ** sat there in stunned silence.

I don’t know what to say. Other than that I’m sorry.

Three years.

If only the dialect fad had come three years earlier!!

I would have been a hero with the ladies!!

… Let’s try to settle down, me.

Now, about my fujoshi Y-ko.

She has the meaningless ability to read a manga

and completely master a character’s way of speaking.

For example, Love Com, which features a ton of really thick Kansai Japanese.

When she picks up the book, my goodness.

In no time at all…

… At least wait until I say something stupid to lay the smack down.

Not only did I not set up a joke for her, I haven’t even said anything yet.

… Since I started to feel sorry for her constant attempts,

I decided to be nice for a change and lob her an easy slow ball.

I finished eating my meal and set down my chopsticks.

And then with a grin on her face like about time! my girlfriend turned to me and said…

………

……

…

Well, in that case… Since it’s just a futanari… Uh…

A conversation is like playing catch—you have to aim and toss at the other person’s glove!

This is a problem that could completely erode the friendships I have built in my life!

Finally, she began to reveal the truth…

Y-KO:	Okay, fine. You’ve seen the covers for this manga. They’re like, really shjo-y, right?
ME:	Uh, yeah. That much pink is like poison for guys. What about it?

She looked at me like You still don’t get it? and said—

…

Oh yes. Yes, I do understand.

I understand this very well.

Using that logic,

leaving them in a twenty-something man’s room…

Okay, so I admit… Personally, I was a fan of Tasuki from the original series.

Yes, this is a secret I keep from all my friends.

It’s not something I’d bring up out of the blue.

…… Ow! I’m sorry! Stop throwing rocks at me, please!!

I am writing a novel, which makes me technically an otaku when it comes to Gundam SEED!!

So…

I don’t watch anime,

but I have this anime otaku girlfriend.

We were drinking at home.

*UC: All the works that take place in the Universal Century between Mobile Suit Gundam and Mobile Suit Victory Gundam. SEED belongs in the CE (Cosmic Era).

And she giggled, “fu-fu-fu-fu-fu.”

My brain was busy translating each fu into the fu from fujoshi.

… It’s a land mine.

It has to be a land mine.

In fact, you’re the one who needs to wake up.

I can’t keep this conversation going.

I have to ignore it. Play it off.

Be cool. Pretend to be cool here, me—

Crunch!! (sound effect)

Oh, er… I’m sorry…?

But softly or not…

*Mobile Suit Gundam 0080: War in the Pocket, Episode 5, “Say It Ain’t So, Bernie!”

As I made eggs sunny-side up, I heard a shout from Y-ko in the bath.

I figured she was out of shampoo or something, and when I went into the bathroom,

I saw Y-ko half-submerged in the bath—

Y-ko points at a particular page.

Her finger lay next to a particular word.

I ran out of the bathroom in a panic.

I could hear Y-ko’s voice echoing after me.

And even after that…

*Gyousou x Taiki: A pairing of two Twelve Kingdoms characters, the apparently “seme” Gyousou and “uke” Taiki. Naturally (?), they’re both males.

As I sat watching TV and feeling particularly exhausted,

I heard a shriek from the bath.

W-what’s that? What happened?!

Is it Nodame?! Is it Nodame Cantabile?!

Perhaps something black and scuttling, with the initial R?!

I grabbed my bottle of roach-killing suds and rushed to the bathroom!!

Baaaaang!! (The sound of the door slamming open)

I saw a shocked-looking Y-ko, her hair drenched.

Her words trailed off, and she beckoned me closer.

She seemed to want me to look down into the tub.

What could it be? As I peered down into the water, I saw—

… Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go cry… just a bit.

So don’t feel bad about…

Okay, personally, I’ve got no problem if you want to go alone.

Please, do go out and enjoy yourself.

… Huh?

… In other words…

Absolute refusal! Denied with all body and soul!

I don’t care what you say, I’m not…

Huh? I don’t have to go?

Oh, good.

Please, no… Anything but that.

Don’t you hurt them!! (inner scream of pain)

And she grinned widely at me.

You conniving devil…

Now, if you’ll excuse me.

Why is this? It’s like I can feel his heart in the palm of my hand.

Strange. Is that look in his eyes… pity?

… I could feel the message pouring out of that gaze.

Aw, crap. I feel like—

Y-KO:	Come on! Walk quickly!
ME:	Aw! I just felt like I was going to make friends within enemy territory!
Y-KO:	I have no idea what you’re talking about… Ooh, here we go!

That’s right. I’m on Otome Road.

In accordance with my girlfriend’s schemes, I’ve been dragged along as bag holder,

but I have to be honest—it’s rough.

This is hostile territory. It’s an away game.

Or some poor dumb salaryman who wandered onto the ladies-only car of the train.

Aha! I can see that jiggly-necked basketball coach now!

But Anzai-sensei…

*Coach Anzai: A character from Slam Dunk. The coach of Shohoku High School’s basketball team. A former All-Japan player and a ferocious college hoops instructor. He played a rather mild role in the story, but the legendary scene in which Mitsui tearfully says, “Anzai-sensei… I want to play basketball…,” put his name into the annals of manga history.

I’m ready. I’m going to fight.

I walked ahead of my girlfriend, who was equipped with a two-wheeled cart for ferrying goods, and attempted to enter the store, but she called out after me.

Y-KO:	Hang on. You wait here.
ME:	… Huh?
Y-KO:	Look, I’m not going to be that cruel. You can wait for me out here.
	See you in a bit!

Roll, roll, roll, roll…

And she disappeared into the building.

… Yes, that was very nice.

I appreciate the gesture.

But if you were going to be nice, I wish you had done that from the beginning

… Hmm?

What’s this? I feel more stares.

Counter to my expectations, I had seen guys here and there,

so my presence shouldn’t be attracting that much attention.

… But wait.

Yes, I did come here with my girlfriend.

But she just entered that cave of monsters alone.

Which means…

A lone man.

Otome Road.

In front of a store.

… No, wait.

I’ve got enough otaku in me to write a SEED novel.

There’s no reason I should feel timid around these people!

Yes, I have a right to be here!! (People call this emotion defiance.)

Fujoshi attacks.

You feel stares.

Critical hit!

You take fifty damage.

Fight, spell

defend, escape.

You escaped.

… I’m sorry. I can’t do this.

The stares are hurting me.

I can’t defend against them wearing these traveler’s clothes for armor.

Not to mention being left out in front of the store.

I run into the nearby convenience store with teary eyes.

What is this feeling?

I’m in town!! Woohoo!!

I made it back safely!!

That kind of feeling.

And just then…

a phone ringtone echoed throughout the store.

All eyes gathered on me again.

They stabbed right through me.

Why?

Didn’t I change it?

Didn’t I set it back to the usual pop song?

Why am I hearing “M—M—nurse” coming from my jacket pocket?

“Tell me, Grandpa!” (in Heidi, Girl of the Alps’ voice)

It must be Y-ko’s doing. (in Grandpa’s voice)

… Enough anime references.

… As I felt the rage against the sadistic terrorist Y-ko building within me,

I checked the screen to see what text I had received.

The message was from Y-ko, deep within the bowels of that hell forbidden to male-kind.

I see.

Well, at least she seems to be enjoying herself.

As far as I’m concerned, her happiness is the main point of this excursion…

… Hmm? Wait, there’s text in the body.

Well, dear, you are somewhat fashionable,

which would set you apart from everyone else here.

I’m sure that will lead to some painful glares.

But, see… Don’t you see?

First, identify the target whose fujoshi-ness (or lack of) you wish to determine.

It can be a potential hookup, a friend, family member, or even your girlfriend.

However—

Please steel yourself to accept the results you receive, no matter what they might be.

No matter what the result, no matter if it should mean the end of years of love,

this is a test that requires strong responsibility. Stand up for your actions.

Have you picked out your target? Then please tell her the following:

You can’t tell them you are administering a Fujoshi diagnosis, as this will put them on guard.

Sell it as an IQ test to set your target at ease.

Now, we’re getting somewhere.

As an example, I will demonstrate this test with Y-ko.

… Give them a series of very simple terms that can be answered instantly.

Once they are replying in rapid succession, you are going to give them the test’s only real question.

If the test subject answers immediately and without hesitation,

For contrast, let’s see some examples of different answers.

“Mamori!!” (or “defend”)

This is a healthy answer. Please give your subject a gentle hug.

Whisper your love to her.

“… Mamori!”

She will probably be all right.

A toast to her for clamping down and choosing correctly.

“Uh… mamori.”

Borderline case. Don’t push her too hard.

If you try to dig too deep, you might regret the results.

“Uk… mamori!”

Slightly fujoshi. Your reaction to this news will determine your level of compassion and forgiveness.

“Uke!!”

If she happens to shriek “uke!!”

Please, don’t panic.

Imagine that by sharing this secret, your bonds have just grown stronger.

In fact, convince yourself of it.

Please don’t cast your eyes away from the rigors of the truth.

You’re not alone.

You are not alone.

So please… please!

When I tried this out at a party the other day,

about half of my answers were “uke.”

Note: In certain areas such as karate, uke is the proper contrast to seme. Use this test as a general guideline only.

Are you all aware of the word uke?

If you’re unfamiliar with the term, please stay just the way you are now.

And she called me Sebas again!

Great.

The vaunted “why?” defense.

I wasn’t done with the sentence!

And why are those my only two choices?!

Plus, Shota isn’t even a name!!

…!!

Um… I’m sorry…

Um, excuse me?

Are you kidding me?!

They’re still written in your native language!!

It’s such a short word!!

And what it Buruse supposed to be, anyway?!

That is not an excuse!!

What kind of a list is that, anyway?!

And rolling up “other stuff” all in one item is a pretty convenient cop-out, lady!!

……

Huh? Sorry…

Don’t call me Sebas.

Ah.

Meaning…

That kind of makes me want to cry, y’know.

What boyfriend wouldn’t be a bit depressed at being labeled “other stuff”?

At these words, she turned and smiled sweetly at me.

… Ah.

………

… Um…

I’m sitting in a family restaurant on the way home from Otome Road now.

I was forced to carry Y-ko’s numerous purchases

—and it was a pain.

More to the point—

I can only assume the bags are full of BL books and magazines.

How much did she sink into this trip?

I hope she doesn’t leave them all at my place.

These things floated through my head as I carried the cart up the stairs.

The restaurant is mostly empty.

Hang in there, manager.

Don’t let the recession get you down.

We were guided to the nonsmoking section by the waiter and finally got off our feet.

See? See what?!

Y-KO:

Look, my spoils of war! And here they are!

Y-ko proudly began to show off bits and pieces of the stuff she had in the absolutely packed cart.

What’s with all the titillating, suggestive, can-you-see-it-or-not art?

… No, no! You don’t need to show me. I’m perfectly fine!

I really don’t want to be looking at these gaudy illustrations in a diner,

and especially not before I eat!!

ME:	Look at all of this! No wonder it seemed heavy; you bought a metric ton of the stuff!!
Y-KO:	I sure did. It was really hard!
ME:	… Hard?
Y-KO:	Yep. Like, you know how these books are hard to check out because they’re always kept in plastic bags?
ME:	Is that right?
Y-KO:	It is. I mean, when they do that with the newest books from Shnen Jump, it’s not a big deal, because you’ve been reading the stories week to week in the magazine, and you know what they’re like.

So, Y-ko-san, you’re saying that you read Jump every week and also buy the volumes?

I mean, that’s cool and all. I think Death Note is pretty good, too.

Ah, yes, I understand.

That’s how I feel when I buy porno magazines.

Of course, what she’s buying are essentially porno mags, too.

H-hey! Don’t shout!

Hold it in… Don’t let it out!!

With unclouded eye? Uh…

Didn’t the guy from the movie Princess Mononoke say something like that? (← trying to escape my immediate reality)

I’m not going to respond.

I’m going to ignore her and drink my water.

But it should be against the rules to make Bruce Lee facial impressions.

No, you weren’t! You were completely 180 degrees wrong!!

This is not doing Bruce Lee any kind of justice!!

… Pardon?

…… Errr…

… Hmm?

… Which would mean…

… Unbelievable.

Maybe it was the fever, but the way she spoke softly with those tears in her eyes, it was almost kind of sexy…

Definitely different from her usual demeanor.

—Never mind, she’s even worse than usual!!

…

……

………

Are you crazy?

Y-ko pouted.

Adding a little cherry on top is not going to help me swallow this poison!!

My voice is low.

I can’t pull this off.

It’s completely against all of my principles.

You’re trying to take me to a place I never want to go.

…

……

… Contrabass…

… Does she mean bass…?

Since when was I a younger brother? I’m the eldest son.

… But I’m only kidding… not. It’s a fairly serious concern of mine, plus it always feels great to receive something that you really, really wanted.

So I decided to ask Y-ko what she would like for a present.

Is there some new brand of handbag that uses that name?

Don’t answer a question with another question!!

… Five?! You’re only giving me five seconds? Why not start the countdown from five, then?

Okay, I’m sorry. Don’t stare at me with those sorrowful eyes.

What a worthwhile use of your time…

… Huh?

… Huh?

……… What does that even have to do with Christmas?

No, I’m not looking like that.

… Preservative…?

Preservative. Tansu Ni Gon, a preservative…

……… (Agonizing)

Y-KO:	Neko-mimi nurse! Neko-mimi nurse! Nama-mugi nama-gome neko-mimi nurse!
ME:	Hey… no…

A man’s sense of reason is as flimsy as a single sheet of paper…

Meaning,

Yes.

… Please don’t get freaked out.

Christmas eve.

The town is overrun with loving couples.

As we were buffeted by the crowd at the Millenario, clinging to each other’s hands,

even as we ate in the very fancy and expensive restaurant at which we had reserved a table,

my mind was dominated by one single thought.

Neko-mimi nurse. Pink colored.

On a night in which most couples around the world would choose to “dress up” in a Santa miniskirt…

Neko-mimi nurse. Pink colored.

A nurse uniform colored bright pink, only instead of the usual nurse’s hat, a pair of soft, fluffy cat ears.

In other words,

… Crap. We haven’t even come close to showtime yet,

and I’m almost completely moe’d out.

Just as I was agonizing over the possible ramifications of this statement, the changing room door opened, and—

Clunk.

… H-holy crap…

This is way more powerful than I had expected…

“Meowry”?!

My sense of reason is flying out the window!

In fact…

Yes, the nurse uniform was too short.

I could kind of see stuff.

Like what was underneath it, the limits of my own control, even the truth behind the universe…

It’s very nice work. I am moved by it.

Socks that go up over the knee.

Lithe, thin thighs.

No. Settle down, me.

The night has only just begun.

I’m afraid that I won’t be able to take my eyes off it.

Flip.

With this strange call, she opened her nurse uniform.

Wrong! I think you mean “the AT field we call bloomers.”

… But on the other hand,

Neko-mimi + Nurse (pink) + Bloomers

……

………

………… A three-piece combo.

and I pulled the cake I had bought earlier out of the fridge.

It was a convenient little pastry I had bought in the department store basement, a perfect serving for two.

The only light in the room came from the candle.

Its small, wavering light illuminated the pair of us.

A pair of cups with tea bags steeping inside sat on the table.

The pleasant scent of the tea drifted throughout the room.

The mood was perfect—

It’s ruining the mood.

… Okay, the mood was ruined from the moment she put on the neko-mimi nurse outfit.

We began to eat the cake.

It is? I’m glad you like it.

I’ll have to be honest…

I’m pretty nervous at the moment.

I don’t think I can even taste the cake.

… But I was the one who asked for it.

I was the one who told you that I wanted a suit.

This display of open excitement is starting to frighten me, dear.

… And that was how our Christmas eve unfolded…

Now you get to see what my nightmares are made of.

Ding-dong—

There were two women standing behind Y-ko.

And who would these delightful ladies be?

And from the sound of it, they seem to think they are coming inside.

Tee-hee?

Think of your age.

And at least send me a message about it first…

No, scratch that—

But I am a chicken. I hold my tongue.

In fact, I am a shy person.

I don’t know how to act around strangers.

Especially not older women.

I made desperate, tearful eye contact with Y-ko.

My gaze screamed out one single, heartfelt statement: “Help!”

Whaaaaaaaaat?!

You should be stopping them, not egging me on!

The calls of “striii-ip” echoed throughout the area.

I’m very sorry, neighbors.

I’m sure the female chorus of “striii-ip” must be confusing the hell out of you by now.

I feel the same way right now.

And then the shocking truth is revealed.

Don’t call me that.

Can it be? Will the terrible stigma of Sebas finally be lifted from my shoulders?!

Alas, but the thought of it disappearing forever is almost… sad.

Even without Sebas, I must be strong.

Thank you for everything, Sebas… and good-bye.

… Hello, new title: Uke-Sebas.

No, no, no, no!

… Their faces are sparkling.

There’s nothing I can do to stop them now…

And of all things, I get compared to a value pack of fish broth…

When does the limited campaign end, I wonder?

But now I’m wondering…

One of them even had a kid.

I should have known!!

I have plenty of possible situations and scenarios accounted for.

The midboss, Y-ko’s mother, seemed friendly enough. No problem there.

The real issue is the final boss, her father…

I don’t have any intelligence on him, so I just have to go in light on my feet.

Since the entire family will be there, I can probably rule out any screaming or beatings.

At any rate, Y-ko will be picking me up from the station in the car,

so we can come up with a game plan on the way there.

Know your enemy and know yourself and you can survive any battle, or so the saying goes.

The final result will come down to how much information I can gather on the final boss during the car ride.

Hang in there, me.

There is no strategy guide for this fight.

All you can rely on are your own instincts and Y-ko’s backup.

It’s time for a battle of the generations—

…?

It was an unfamiliar man who called out to me.

What’s the deal? I’ve got bigger things to deal with.

This is really important! I have to leave a good impression on the final boss, her exalted father!

… Nice to meet you?

If he’s never met me before, how does he know my name?

… Uh-oh. I’m getting an extremely bad feeling about this.

This is moving too fast!

The final boss is supposed to come at the end!!

I introduced myself, already having a minor anxiety attack on the inside.

Wait. Chill out. Settle down.

This is an accident, but an accident that can be conquered easily with a cool head.

He must have simply been the driver on the way here.

She’ll be laughing at me, all freaked out about running into her father so suddenly.

… Which means we need to get to the car so I can rendezvous with Y-ko as soon as possible!!

Why are you opening the passenger side door, sir?

All that we’re going to see is a maniacally laughing Y-ko…

… Y-ko…

…… who is not in the seat…

Nor, for that matter, is she in the backseat…

But why?

But…?

I mean, it was only just aired last night.

But in that case… In that case…

Thanks to this, I got to have a long conversation with her father.

But I was keeping the conversation moving,

saying things like, “Isn’t it cold?”

Small talk, safe little pleasantries.

Even though I felt on the verge of tears.

Suddenly, he expressed an interest in the paper bags I was holding.

I had two large paper bags cradled on my knees.

He probably assumed that I had brought some kind of present or offering.

… Actually, not quite.

ME:	Well, one of them is, yes… But the other one…
Y-DAD:	…? What’s the other one? If it’s not some kind of snack… liquor?
ME:	Er, not exactly.
Y-DAD:	Not snacks, not liquor… Which means… what?
ME:	… Do you want to know?
Y-DAD:	Well, I am rather curious now.
ME:	……… It’s a bag full of shjo manga that Y-ko left in my apartment.
Y-DAD:	…… Huh?
ME:	… I gathered them all up while cleaning and figured I would give them back to her.
Y-DAD:	…… That many?
ME:	… Yes. She comes over and leaves them with me, because she says she doesn’t have any room for them. I was hoping there might be space for them back at your house.
Y-DAD:	……
ME:	……
Y-DAD:	………
ME:	………
Y-DAD:	………… I’m sorry about this.
ME:	… No problem.

Well, I assumed it would be Y-ko who came to get me…

Then I could have handed them directly over to her.

After this bit of conversation, we had made it to the house.

I thanked her father and got out of the car.

As we walked in the front door, there was Y-ko—

… Absolute injustice.

It’s your fault for not telling me which station was actually closest.

Her eyes swiveled to the bags I was carrying.

Before I could finish my sentence, Y-ko had grabbed both bags away.

Y-KO:	This is heavy! What’s in here?!
ME:	… A little souvenir and all the manga you left in my apartment.
	I gathered them all up while I was cleaning, and I brought them here.
Y-KO:	Why did you do that?!
ME:	You can’t just leave these huge stacks of shjo manga lying around my place.
	A lot of my friends from school come over all the time.

What if they get freaked out by it?

I mean, I’m already freaked out enough.

It’s how I’d feel if I saw piles of shjo manga at my friend’s house.

As we stood talking, her mother came down the hallway.

I delivered the greeting that I had practiced numerous times on the train ride.

I was guided to the living room, and Y-ko’s father returned from parking the car.

Wow, they’re really nice.

The food was brought out in a huge, fashionable pot.

Yes, very colorful and cute.

I can see that Y-ko’s mother picks her kitchenware carefully.

And then she let slip a bombshell.

… Pardon?

Le Creuset?

That sounds so familiar for some reason.

As a matter of fact, the first thing that popped into my head was this man:

*Rau Le Creuset, ZAFT commander from Mobile Suit Gundam SEED. The lineage of Gundam characters wearing masks or sunglasses proceeds as follows: Char and Kycilia (Gundam) → Quattro (Zeta) → Haman (ZZ) → Carozzo (F91) → Chronicle (Victory) → Schwartz (G) → Zechs (Wing) → Jamil (X) → Harry (Turn A), and lastly, Le Creuset of Gundam SEED.

As I stood in shock, she began to describe her Le Creuset to me.

As she spoke, I could hear Le Creuset ranting within my head.

I couldn’t contain my laughter, so I stifled it with a hasty cough.

This is truly the work of a supervillain.

He’s even got unsuspecting housewives on his side.

And she grinned, for some reason.

It seems that Y-ko and her Gundam otaku brother had the same reaction to the pot that I did…

The meal was a storm of questions about me.

To be honest, I was exhausted.

After Y-ko’s elder brother had shown up and we had shared a very awkward conversation,

I was finally allowed to escape to the safety of Y-ko’s room.

There could not possibly be more manga in here.

It’s a whole wall full of manga.

She pulled a sailor uniform out of the closet.

… Why are you grinning like that?

In an unbelievably quick movement, Y-ko used the hanger upon which her uniform was displayed to unleash a killer “Gatotsu” against me. (*Gatotsu = an attack used by Hajime Saito in Rurouni Kenshin.)

Her eyes flashed with murder!

This was the look of someone driven to kill!!

She caught me right in the solar plexus.

… That really, really hurts…

Yes.

Y-ko had abandoned her duty to pick me up at the train station,

because she had to watch the recording of the first half of Satomi Hakkenden.

If there was a choice between Shinsengumi and Satomi Hakkenden, she ought to be choosing the latter.

… What is so confusing about that?

Obviously. How silly of me.

I agree. Ninzaburo Furuhata is a great show, of course.

Ain’t that right… Y-kooo? (twitching my eyebrows, like Furuhata)

Tra-la-la-la-la-la, tra-la-la-la (that’s supposed to be the Furuhata theme).

… Okay, me, settle down.

What happened to Hakkenden, the show so important that you couldn’t come get me because of it?

So, to sum it all up…

Furuhata > Shinsengumi > Satomi Hakkenden > boyfriend’s first visit home.

I don’t think I’ll ever beat her.

The car is heading back to the station with me inside.

Y-ko is driving, and I am in the passenger seat.

I shot back a silent, chilling glare.

But Y-ko, concentrating on the road, didn’t notice.

Y-ko gripped the steering wheel, making sounds of agreement.

… Whoops. Did I go a little overboard?

I could have cried.

I’m almost crying. There’s a difference.

“Hard”… “Don’t give a crap about”…

The words are stabbing me. Painfully.

It was such an apologetic admission,

a statement of actual empathy for what I’ve had to go through.

For some reason, Y-ko pulled the car off the road and into the darkness.

That’s the answer.

… What?

… Uh…

… Meaning that you have extra time to burn during this trip?

… Why are you taking off your seat belt?

……

I was right?!

…

……

………

I’ll let you imagine what the prize was. Go on, use your imagination.

I am going to give this willful young lady a stern talking-to. It’s time to force her to wake up and smell the roses.

Yes.

When I set my mind to it, I can do anything. (Baseless self-confidence.)

Plus, in the event of an emergency, I do have the most salient points jotted down on a cheat sheet in my pocket.

I am fully prepared.

Time to take down Miss Willful.

I marched down my street, heavyhearted but determined, a protagonist ready to face his tragic fate!

Then I was standing at the door of my apartment.

I took a deep breath and grabbed the doorknob!

Pentabu is ready for the battle of his life!

Click!!

… Wh-who is she?!

What’s going on?!

And what eroge is that on the computer?!

My mind was reeling so fiercely, the next words out of my mouth were in English!

And Y-ko answered in the same!

How should I put this?

This is much too dangerous!

The moment he opens my closet door, my social life at school is essentially over!!

In the last case, there’s nothing even remotely moe-possible about it.

But that’s not all.

My biggest problem is this…

A maid outfit is like a huge overcoat!

Not only that, but it has way too many buttons.

If I’m trying to undo them all with one hand, I’d get a cramp before I finished.

Don’t ask what the other hand is doing; I’ll leave that to your imagination.

Even if I use both hands, there are still way too many.

Even if I did them in chunks with short breaks in between, there are still way too many.

Don’t ask what we’d be doing during those breaks; I’ll leave that to your imagination.

That’s right.

The maid outfit has many challenges associated with it.

She came back from the bathroom, oddly excited.

She had a huge bath towel wrapped tightly around her body.

She ripped the towel right off!

And underneath—

Yes, the dress shirt that I left behind last time, when I wore my new suit!

The light pink color was a perfect match for the fresh-out-of-the-bath look—very sexy!

Because of the height difference between us, her hands didn’t even reach the sleeves!

And not only that, the shirt is just barely transparent (this is the most important part)!

Well done, Y-ko! You know exactly where my tastes run!!

I can see it already.

Terrified of this horrifying prospect,

I enacted a ban on any BL-related materials within the apartment

and carried out a stringent eradication of the same.

As a result, I was able to avoid the possibility of having my personal reputation ruined in the eyes of my friends, and the peace of my household was upheld.

Since then,

none of Y-ko’s BL goods have infiltrated my domicile.

I was able to invite company into my home without the fear of slander or insult.

… For a time.

But I was naive.

I was so naive.

And you cannot be naive with Y-ko.

Y-ko uses my computer freely and without supervision.

Since I had forbid her to bring in BL stuff,

she began the habit of using my computer to surf the Web whenever she was bored.

By failing to monitor her habits, I soon discovered that she left a trail of ridiculous search results.

And that was only the beginning.

When things got really bad…

“bleeeep”

“blee-bleeep”

And not only that,

but the kind of results that would typically be not only bleeped out, but struck through.

Therefore,

I’ve gotten into a habit of

checking my Internet history

whenever I boot up my computer and start up the Internet browser.

I also have to check my favorites listing once a week.

The list usually starts off with the weather forecast,

but sometimes when I visit the first link in the list,

I find myself being greeted by a topless young man instead.

When I saw that a site labeled “cake recipes” was added to my favorites,

I opened it thinking, “Are you actually going to bake me a cake, Y-ko?”

I’ll never forget the despair I felt at that moment.

You get the idea.

My concentration was entirely focused on my computer.

But.

Just recently, when I was doing some studying for class,

I needed to check something within the Six Codes of Japanese law.

Normally, when studying, I go to my large textbooks,

but on a whim, I decided to pull out my pocket edition instead.

For a pocket edition, it’s actually rather large—not a size you could actually fit into your pocket.

The books come in a case, too.

I walked over to the bookshelf and pulled out the pocket edition of the Six Codes.

Nice and light. So much more handy to carry.

As I turned the case over to shake the contents out…

Roy x Ed

Boy’s School Love

Academy Heaven

BE x BOY GOLD

And what happened to what actually belongs in there?

But of course, there is always that third option “with the clothes on.” Ha-ha-ha!

If anything, I’m in a “seme” mood. The S side of S and M, if you will.

There are days when even I am in that kind of mood. Days my native warrior’s blood threatens to reawaken.

What can I do?! said the frantic gaze that Y-ko set on me.

… Actually, I was just wondering the same thing about you, my dear.

……… Really. What’s to be done?

Aha… Got it.

In the words of some ancient person (I think)…

If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.

Change of plans.

Ah, the delights of two-dimensional moe.

Just saying this stuff is creeping me out!

Maiden?

…?!

She hit me!

Talking to an older girl about her age is taboo.

Alas, Y-ko, I think the time has passed when you are allowed to call yourself a maidbkjasfhrkqwel.

Another day…

And another…

… You mean what?

She looks like she has something to say.

Sorry, Koji (not his real name).

Y-ko’s place.

Today is the day of my very first Evangelion experience.

I was conflicted. I didn’t know if I really wanted to take this major step,

but everything in life is a character-building experience, so…

I can’t deny the fact that I had an interest in seeing this series,

which left an undeniable impact on our culture.

Okay.

I’m ready. I step into Y-ko’s apartment.

… Why is it that all of Y-ko’s friends greet me with this?

Are you describing me to all your friends using that term, dear?

Once I had assured her that I was not a Sebas, and certainly not an uke,

I took a seat next to Y-ko.

… Excuse me?

You sound like a mother griping about her son’s taste in food, Y-ko.

I will not.

I will never in my entire life say such a thing!

I offered the cake I brought over in the hopes of diverting the topic.

If there’s one thing women love, it’s sweets.

You can’t hope for a better item to change the subject of a conversation.

……

The conversation has taken an unfortunate turn.

I suppose you might call this a major backfire.

Dammit.

I have a feeling that nothing I do will turn out right.

Maybe it’s time to retreat and regain my footing.

Then again, I have a feeling that steady footing will not be enough to win this fight.

Just wait until you see, indeed.

I’ve never learned how to do it.

I headed to the kitchen, half in retreat.

I know my way around Y-ko’s house.

I heated up some water in the pot.

Sigh…

As the sounds of women squeaking and giggling drifted through the door,

I vaguely watched the rising steam puff out of the pot.

Well, at least Yumi seems like a nice person.

She brought those DVDs just so I could watch them.

She’ll probably explain stuff about Evangelion so that I understand everything the first time.

I guess I should just be gracious and accept their consideration.

I put the tea bags into the tea server and poured the hot water in.

After a few minutes, I poured the tea into the cups I had set aside.

There we go. Perfectly normal, acceptable tea.

Not particularly great,

but not particularly awful, either.

Suddenly, as I was pouring the second cup, I noticed something.

The chattering had stopped.

……?

Next, I realized that the TV was on, when it hadn’t been earlier.

… Can I go cry just a bit?

before I could even decide whether or not this must be the protagonist of the show,

there was a single thought that popped into my head.

It was…

………

……

…

It took all of 0.2 seconds.

An instantaneous thought concurrent with my visual contact with the screen.

An absolutely reflexive reaction.

My first judgment of the first character I saw was he’s an uke.

That’s right.

The swiftness of my response was stunning.

If I had to make an example,

it was like the instantaneous, natural production of saliva at the sight of a pickle.

… Huh?

No, wait…

What the—?

In fact, I wish that I could ask it.

I don’t want these reflexes.

that no matter how many times I turn down dating sites, their spam keeps multiplying?

By the way, the number of unread messages (from dating sites) for the day is currently over two hundred.

Do I seem like I need to meet other people that badly?

I wouldn’t deny it, but I’m not interested in doing it that way.

However, I also can’t deny that buried beneath the mountains of spam,

the actual thoughts and advice I receive from real people are getting more and more fun to read.

Now, then…

My Shinji is an uke reaction from the last post seems to have made quite a splash.

I ask that you all please settle down.

True, this could very well be the first step down the path of the fujoshi.

Worst-case scenario, it could already be the tenth step down that path.

But.

But, my friends.

Do you really think I’m going to allow myself to take that path?

I must be firm! I cannot give in to infection!!

Plus, I’m not at all infected in the first place.

I’m just a pure, innocent boy, the kind you can find anywhere.

I am partly infected already.

No normal person would make judgments about uke.

… Okay, time to fess up.

I am slightly—no, just a tad, just a smidgen,

being contaminated by the aura that Y-ko emits.

… Please, don’t make any wisecracks about the accuracy of the terms “tad” or “smidgen.”

Look.

Sometimes there are truths that we just don’t want to face directly.

……… Yeah. I’m okay.

I can still carry on with this battle.

I’m not gonna let it take me down without a fight.

I’m going to turn back into that pure boy I was months ago.

I have to show Y-ko the resilience and strength of norms.

On with today’s update!

Continuing with the tale of the Eva watching.

We’re watching Evangelion.

It’s my first time seeing the show, of course.

But the owner of the DVDs, Yumi (housewife and fujoshi),

We’re on an episode with an enemy that looks like this

Blew herself up?!

What do you mean?!

Third one?!

I don’t… I don’t understand!!

And we’re only at the beginning of the show! Don’t spoil everything for me!!

… I screamed silently as I continued to stare at the screen.

… Hey, Rei smiled.

Very slick move, Shinji.

Then they were on top of an aircraft carrier.

Kiss? Bathroom?

This character hasn’t been on-screen for more than a minute, and they’re already spoiling stuff about her!

… Would you guys mind not spoiling everything?

I wish I could I say this out loud.

Long live the weak willed.

Even after this…

Hang on, you guys are still talking about stuff that hasn’t happened, right?!

Excuse me?!

First you start spouting all this gobbledygook, then you want to skip ahead?!

They still haven’t stopped this weird-shaped robot yet!!

In fact…

However, being included in their little group…

would mean trekking down the path of fujoshi.

… I mustn’t run away. I mustn’t run away. I mustn’t run away…

But it was interesting.

I had no idea what the second half of the show was about, though.

I’m sorry that this is the best excuse I could find to call, Mom.

……… Huh? You haven’t gotten rid of it?

Oh, crap. Y-ko just heard me say that and pumped her fist.

Mom?!… Mooom!!

…… She hung up.

……

Okay, look on the bright side.

Just because it’s still there doesn’t mean I have to bring it.

… So I won’t.

Yes, as long as I don’t bring it here, everything is fine.

Gotta say it.

Gotta tell her I won’t bring it back.

How would I explain to Mom what I plan to do with it, anyway?

“I’m not bringing it back.”

There.

That’s perfect.

I turned to Y-ko with purpose.

What’s with this aura of ecstasy around her?!

In fact, she just might be thinking about me!!

No, I know for a fact that she’s imagining me!!

And she looks so damn happy…

Ding-dong.

I rang the doorbell and stepped into the apartment.

What a shock.

A bit hasty, are we?

Not a “welcome back” or even a “nice to see you”?

And have you been waiting in the entranceway this entire time?

I gestured with my right arm, which had the gakuran-stuffed bag slung over it.

She seized the bag, pulling it right off my arm like a purse snatcher.

Fear the fatal attraction of the gakuran.

She pulled the outfit out of the bag and stared at it closely.

“Hey, it’s ripped a bit here.” She grinned.

Well, how should I put this?

It was enough to make it worth bringing the thing back here.

………

Which doesn’t change the fact that it’ll be embarrassing to put on, once she demands it.

Alas… So weak.

The weakest of wills.

I worked quickly and carefully,

washing only my body and then turning off the showerhead.

I wiped myself off with the towel I had prepared

and looked into the laundry basket to put on the gakuran.

……

It’s gone.

I put the thing in the basket just minutes ago.

But all that I see are my underwear and shirt.

… Why?

It didn’t take more than an instant to determine that it was Y-ko’s fault.

Damn her.

I wrapped the towel around my waist.

I could have gone out just wearing my shirt,

but I felt it would just be inviting pity, so I decided against it.

And there she stood,

Y-ko wearing my old school uniform.

Because of our height difference, the sleeves extended past her hands.

Y-ko was wearing the gakuran.

The top button was still unfastened… but I couldn’t see any signs of a shirt on underneath.

All I saw was bare skin.

… Yes, it was damn sexy.

I was in trouble. I had nothing but a bath towel fastened around my waist.

She shot me a supremely mischievous grin

and put her hand on the second button.

… No, Y-ko.

Stop laughing and peeking at my bath towel.

…… It’s time for my counterattack.

And as I said that, I stretched my hands out to the buttons of the uniform.

For an instant, she stood dumbfounded.

My counterattack was a success.

With this masterstroke, I will seize control of the situation.

I moved on to the third button.

She grabbed the hand I had extended to the button.

What is this?

She released her hand from my arm

… and reached up to stroke my ear.

……

Um.

… You would prefer to do it with it on?

Sometimes my friends ask,

“How come you talk so politely to her when the two of you are going out?”

I still speak in polite language when I converse with Y-ko.

I do have some good reasons, like the fact that she is older than me

and the fact that I first knew her as my boss at work.

But I think the biggest part is her fierce insistence that

“Polite speech is moe!!”

When my girlfriend is happy, I am happy.

However, Miss Y-ko…

When I first announced my attraction to you…

And you gave me that disclaimer…

But.

I’m still glad that I said I loved you anyway.

And I always will be.

… No! I don’t think I should bother pondering this too deeply.

I’ll cut myself off at the pass right here and now.

Now, as you have clearly seen, Y-ko continues to wreak havoc in my everyday life,

and her fujoshi streak runs as deep as ever,

with no signs of abating or weakening.

She still flaunts her fujoshi nature safely in private.

Even as I type this, she is sitting behind me,

grinning and giggling over some BL manga…

… Ah, I see.

Now I realize why Y-ko’s words and actions no longer bother me so much.

It’s quite simple, really.

has become the everyday life I experience.

That’s a pretty wonderful thing to have.

I can’t deny that I still feel manipulated…

… but even that is a happy thing to me.

Well, everyone…

… I hope that you’ll continue to read about my geek of a girlfriend.

* Read the continuation of this story at Pentabu’s blog “Fujoshi Kanojo Part 2.” (Japanese only.)

http://pentabutabu.blog35.fc2.com/